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Original poster

MIL about to die, dh stayed at work

401 replies

Salantanamana · 14/02/2023 23:46

I don't know why I'm posting, I just want to get thoughts straight I think. DSIL rang this afternoon to say mil had taken a turn for the worse. She has been terminal for a while and sil has been there 24/7 since diagnosis. MIL had taken a turn and was out, still is. I love all my in laws, every one of them. My H did not go straight to the house, he said he'd wait and see. All of the other family came over but he said he was uncomfortable with death and didn't want to see this. He came 6 hours after being called. I am disappointed. I know that every body's ideas of death are different but even if he didn't want to see her body, his mom was still alive and he could just be there for other people or put these feelings aside. I think less of him as a person that his instinct was not to come to him mom on knowing how ill she is but to stay at work. Mine was different and she is not even my mom. It is screaming at me 🚩🚩

OP posts:
bbgx · 15/02/2023 16:43

CrunchyCarrot · 15/02/2023 08:25

I expect your DH doesn't want to see his mother die. There's no shame in that, everyone handles death differently. Don't be too hard on him, OP.

I bet she doesn't want to die knowing her son doesn't want to see her, either. It's been said that nobody wants to see a loved one die but generally the desire to comfort them and do something meaningful outweighs thatfeeling

DotAndCarryOne2 · 15/02/2023 16:58

ancientgran · 15/02/2023 16:41

She said she was out and still out, nothing about in and out, or mostly out. She was out and still out. Funny how things develop.

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I’ll probably be flamed for this but I really have to point out that the OP didn’t mention her MIL calling for her DH until after the majority of posters expressed support for her DH and advised she support him through his grief. It was in her last post, and was answering a poster who had asked specifically whether MIL had asked for him. Sorry but I find that odd. Her OP said clearly that MIL had take a turn for the worse, was out and still out at the time she posted. It also wasn’t clear, and a lot of posters have missed the fact that her DH did actually get there in the end.

Wishimaywishimight · 15/02/2023 17:03

I consider myself to be a pretty selfish person but I feel, very strongly, that the wishes of the person lying on their death bed come first. If they express a wish to see someone before they die, if that would provide them with some comfort and solace at a very frightening time for them, then that person should have the compassion, and the moral fibre, regardless of their own discomfort, to be there.

Those saying they would not want their family with them when they die - so what? That is not the case here. The mother wished to see her son, she expressed her wishes several times and he chose to stay in work rather than be with her. That is callous beyond belief and I would look at him differently because of it.

Madamecastafiore · 15/02/2023 18:05

The mother died, there's no long lasting effect on her knowing her son didn't come to see her, she has no feelings about it now. The son is still living and has to live with whatever happens around his mothers death. Not selfish but realistic, he could have bought her comfort for a very short period or put himself through something which could have a far reaching impact on the rest of his life.

SleeplessInEngland · 15/02/2023 18:08

You sound awful, op. Your poor husband.

Hbh17 · 15/02/2023 18:15

His choices should be respected. Everyone is different.
Personally, I think gathering at the "deathbed" of a terminally ill person is sentimental and grim, so I'll make absolutely sure that nobody does that for me when my time is up. I know that lots of people might disagree.
The point is that the OP can support her husband however is best for him, and he hasn't done anything wrong.

2bazookas · 15/02/2023 18:23

Its his mother. He's clearly struggling; and you should be supporting him instead of judging.

Its a pity all that love you feel for the inlaws doesn't seem to include
DH.

willowstar · 15/02/2023 19:22

People deal with these things differently and we have no right at all to impose our views and values on to others at that time. There are no right ways, no wrong ways, to deal.with these things. I am a nurse, very comfortable with dying and death. I have seen all sorts of reactions and behaviours and people have all kinds of fears and beliefs about death and dying and you just have to go with it.

Some of my cousin's wouldn't come and sit with my granny when she was dying. They just couldn't cope with it. So, they didn't. Fair enough.

bbgx · 15/02/2023 19:31

This is so interesting.

Is it ok to leave your spouse or child if they're dying and you find it too much?

What about if every family member finds it too much- is it ok for someone to die alone with no family? Whose feelings matter more?

ancientgran · 15/02/2023 19:41

bbgx · 15/02/2023 19:31

This is so interesting.

Is it ok to leave your spouse or child if they're dying and you find it too much?

What about if every family member finds it too much- is it ok for someone to die alone with no family? Whose feelings matter more?

If there is no family surely there will be nurses or HCAs? I work in a care home, during covid when family couldn't be there for one of our residents two staff members who had looked after him for years sat with him. No family but he didn't die alone.

another1bitestheduck · 15/02/2023 19:46

CountryMusicHottie · 15/02/2023 00:57

I base love on how people treat each other over the years. Each to their own.

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right but you usually get a fair few chances at being there for people 'over the years.' i.e. if you miss one bday you can make it up to them next year. His mother is only going to die once, and it could have been repeatedly asking for her son to see him one last time before she died, and being told he had been asked (repeatedly) but preferred to stay in work.

Doesn't really matter if the reason he stayed in work was because he cba, or was scared or sad, this is a time when you put others needs and feelings above your own.

OP this is MN, people just like to argue. FWIW if you'd specified the bit about her repeatedly asking for him in your initial paragraph I think you would have had more people agreeing with you, but then there are a lot of twats who just love to argue and pick holes in stories online, whilst being too timid to point out a hair in their food in real life. If you'd posted the opposite version 'AIBU to think DSIS was unreasonable to expect DH to leave his important job to say goodbye to his dying mother when she was there anyway,' guaranteed the same posters would be still finding ways for you to be unreasonable just to be contrary!

DuesToTheDirt · 15/02/2023 19:47

I'm with you OP. If I were dying, and one of my children didn't come (and could have done) I'd be devastated.

Of course in reality, I might be past understanding what was happening, and I'd be dead soon anyway, but still...

bbgx · 15/02/2023 19:49

If there is no family surely there will be nurses or HCAs?

It's great to have caring healthcare practitioners when there is no family, but I'm think it's a bit sad if you have family and none of them wanted to come because they think it's too hard for them to see. ^

As in, if everyone took the stance of protecting their interest/feelings first.^

another1bitestheduck · 15/02/2023 19:50

Madamecastafiore · 15/02/2023 18:05

The mother died, there's no long lasting effect on her knowing her son didn't come to see her, she has no feelings about it now. The son is still living and has to live with whatever happens around his mothers death. Not selfish but realistic, he could have bought her comfort for a very short period or put himself through something which could have a far reaching impact on the rest of his life.

this doesn't make any sense. How can you basically say how the mother felt as she died doesn't matter, seeing as she's now dead. If you extrapolate from this why do we bother giving end of life care, medication to reduce pain, dignity or compassion to the dying at all if they aren't going to 'have any feelings about it' it once they are dead?

what about the long lasting effect on his sister, for example, having to deal with her mother repeatedly wanting to see her son and having to tell her he's been asked to come but is refusing?

bbgx · 15/02/2023 19:53

@another1bitestheduck I thought the same. With that argument, it suggests old/unwell people aren't that important and who cares how we treat them. They'll be dead soon anyway, apparently.

Blossomtoes · 15/02/2023 19:57

SleeplessInEngland · 15/02/2023 18:08

You sound awful, op. Your poor husband.

I think she sounds amazing. She’s there for her mil when her own son won’t show up. If I’d behaved like that with my parents my bloke would have been disgusted with me. I wouldn’t have been the person he thought he married.

HeddaGarbled · 15/02/2023 20:05

What about if every family member finds it too much- is it ok for someone to die alone with no family

But that was not the scenario here. Apparently the whole family had gathered. Perhaps that’s what he couldn’t face. Being allowed to be alone in a room with his mum, doable. Being required to grieve in front of a massive judgy audience, not doable.

DirectionToPerfection · 15/02/2023 20:32

HeddaGarbled · 15/02/2023 20:05

What about if every family member finds it too much- is it ok for someone to die alone with no family

But that was not the scenario here. Apparently the whole family had gathered. Perhaps that’s what he couldn’t face. Being allowed to be alone in a room with his mum, doable. Being required to grieve in front of a massive judgy audience, not doable.

So he gets to abdicate all responsibility and place even more of a burden on his sister. Charming.

bbgx · 15/02/2023 21:08

HeddaGarbled · 15/02/2023 20:05

What about if every family member finds it too much- is it ok for someone to die alone with no family

But that was not the scenario here. Apparently the whole family had gathered. Perhaps that’s what he couldn’t face. Being allowed to be alone in a room with his mum, doable. Being required to grieve in front of a massive judgy audience, not doable.

You don't say!

I know. I my comment was a general comment so what's the point in you mentioning that it's not the case here?

ancientgran · 15/02/2023 21:22

bbgx · 15/02/2023 19:49

If there is no family surely there will be nurses or HCAs?

It's great to have caring healthcare practitioners when there is no family, but I'm think it's a bit sad if you have family and none of them wanted to come because they think it's too hard for them to see. ^

As in, if everyone took the stance of protecting their interest/feelings first.^

I'd prefer a kind professional who isn't going to get upset. Don't want my kids crying to be the last thing I hear.

another1bitestheduck · 15/02/2023 21:25

HeddaGarbled · 15/02/2023 20:05

What about if every family member finds it too much- is it ok for someone to die alone with no family

But that was not the scenario here. Apparently the whole family had gathered. Perhaps that’s what he couldn’t face. Being allowed to be alone in a room with his mum, doable. Being required to grieve in front of a massive judgy audience, not doable.

so (if this was the case, which is complete conjecture as nothing OP has said has suggested this was the reason he didn't go) couldn't he have just used his big boy words and say 'Please can you give me 5 mins alone to say goodbye to mum?' Rather than just not turning up at all when she was asking for him?

And, again, who cares how 'doable' it was for him? Presumably his mother has spent most of her life putting his needs before hers, this was the one opportunity he had to pay a tiny bit back, frankly who cares if it made HIM feel a bit sad or stressed, those are very normal emotions that it would be entirely standard to feel when close family die!

ancientgran · 15/02/2023 21:31

another1bitestheduck · 15/02/2023 21:25

so (if this was the case, which is complete conjecture as nothing OP has said has suggested this was the reason he didn't go) couldn't he have just used his big boy words and say 'Please can you give me 5 mins alone to say goodbye to mum?' Rather than just not turning up at all when she was asking for him?

And, again, who cares how 'doable' it was for him? Presumably his mother has spent most of her life putting his needs before hers, this was the one opportunity he had to pay a tiny bit back, frankly who cares if it made HIM feel a bit sad or stressed, those are very normal emotions that it would be entirely standard to feel when close family die!

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Well he did go he just didn't go fast enough for the OP to approve of. Sounds a bit like an Olympic race, if you get there fast enough you get a medal.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 15/02/2023 21:45

She said she was out and still out, nothing about in and out, or mostly out. She was out and still out. Funny how things develop.

I don't know, I'm not the OP. I do realise that OP is currently going through a whole range of tough emotions and so might not be prioritising giving a perfect dictionary definition of the scenario to strangers on the internet.

I thought the same. With that argument, it suggests old/unwell people aren't that important and who cares how we treat them. They'll be dead soon anyway, apparently.

Yes, this was my thought as well. Who cares about anybody over 60, as they have less life left to get upset than they've already had. In fact, what's the point in comforting an upset toddler, even, as they'll be gone too within 100 fleeting years.

ancientgran · 15/02/2023 21:56

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 15/02/2023 21:45

She said she was out and still out, nothing about in and out, or mostly out. She was out and still out. Funny how things develop.

I don't know, I'm not the OP. I do realise that OP is currently going through a whole range of tough emotions and so might not be prioritising giving a perfect dictionary definition of the scenario to strangers on the internet.

I thought the same. With that argument, it suggests old/unwell people aren't that important and who cares how we treat them. They'll be dead soon anyway, apparently.

Yes, this was my thought as well. Who cares about anybody over 60, as they have less life left to get upset than they've already had. In fact, what's the point in comforting an upset toddler, even, as they'll be gone too within 100 fleeting years.

Her main emotion seems to be judging her husband and finding him failing. Oh and telling us how great she is as her reaction was different.

another1bitestheduck · 15/02/2023 22:03

ancientgran · 15/02/2023 21:31

Well he did go he just didn't go fast enough for the OP to approve of. Sounds a bit like an Olympic race, if you get there fast enough you get a medal.

Show quote history

not sure what olympic race you'd get a medal for if it took you six hours to finish it but ok.
He didn't know how long she had left, for most people once you get the call a parent is dying you prioritise it, not add it to your to-do list somewhere between 'chair meeting' but above 'clear in-tray.'