MIL about to die, dh stayed at work

[Salantanamana]

I don't know why I'm posting, I just want to get thoughts straight I think. DSIL rang this afternoon to say mil had taken a turn for the worse. She has been terminal for a while and sil has been there 24/7 since diagnosis. MIL had taken a turn and was out, still is. I love all my in laws, every one of them. My H did not go straight to the house, he said he'd wait and see. All of the other family came over but he said he was uncomfortable with death and didn't want to see this. He came 6 hours after being called. I am disappointed. I know that every body's ideas of death are different but even if he didn't want to see her body, his mom was still alive and he could just be there for other people or put these feelings aside. I think less of him as a person that his instinct was not to come to him mom on knowing how ill she is but to stay at work. Mine was different and she is not even my mom. It is screaming at me 🚩🚩

I've told my kids that when the time comes they can come and say their goodbyes but I don't want people sitting round waiting for "it" to happen.

I suppose outlooks differ, but to me, it's not about waiting for death to come; it's about celebrating the precious last moments of their life and spending time with them whilst you still can.

It's an acknowledgement that something/somebody beautiful you may have taken for granted as a permanent, constant fixture of your life is now disappearing, so for you, it's now or never; and much more so for the person whose life is drawing to a close. It's making the most of your last opportunities because they are coming to an end, not waiting for them to end.

I had the opportunity to see my dad a few hours before he died. I chose not to because I couldn't handle it.

I still don't regret my decision.

The fact is they are waiting for the end aren't they? When my mother was dying, in pain and distressed as she didn't want to die and was frightened I honestly didn't feel I was celebrating anything. I don't want my children to experience that, it can be traumatic and as with the dying person who told the family to fuck off I don't think I want my last experience to be listening to my loved ones being distressed.

The main thing is I don't think any of us have a right to tell someone else how they should deal with death. I honestly don't think there is a right way and it isn't appropriate to be judgemental about it.

What would get to me about this is the inherent preciousness in saying he's not comfortable around death. Does he really imagine anyone else involved finds the situation comfortable?

Yes, this. It's hardly a barrel of laughs for the person who is dying either, but they can't exactly choose to just opt out of it and live for another 20 years.

Imagine being at the closure of your life - so many thoughts, memories and emotions racing around your head (if you're conscious) as you try to make sense of it all, sum up your life and prepare for your leaving; and the people you loved and cared for throughout your life treat your life like nothing more than a film at the cinema - where the credits start rolling and they figure "Well, that's pretty much it done, nothing else of interest to me" and walk out.

The main thing is I don't think any of us have a right to tell someone else how they should deal with death. I honestly don't think there is a right way and it isn't appropriate to be judgemental about it.

As a PP said, it's not so much about dealing with death but how you treat a loved one when they are still here. Until they die, what matters is their comfort.

He could go and hold her hand, say he loves her and then go back out of the room. He doesn't have to be there the moment she dies. But to ignore his terminally ill mother when she's in distress and clearly asking for him is cruel.

I would feel the same as you. I have sat with relatives in their last hours. It was hard and isn't necessarily about talking much but sitting and holding their hand. It wasn't about me saying goodbye but just them having someone who loved them and who they loved, be with them.

That your MIL was asking for your dh and he wasn't there, was very sad. To me, he put himself before his mother in her last hours.

My mum didn't rush to her brothers side when she received the call. He was a bachelor and they were both close especially after the death of my mums husband at a young age.

Her other brother called me as he didn't think my mum was understanding the urgency. She made every excuse about not going, cant get a lift, i will go tomorrow blah blah. I felt so bad for my Uncle as she was the closest person in his life and whilst the other brothers were there that isn't who he wanted by his side. I was very angry that she couldn't consider someone else for a change, as it was all about her and her fear and I lost respect for her that day. She did go the next day and he died alone as she didn't bother answering her phone during the night.

So whilst we cant dictate how other people respond I can make a judgement and a man who prioritised heading to work when his mum was asking for him on her death bed is someone I would judge....

It's making the most of your last opportunities because they are coming to an end, not waiting for them to end.
I understand this, but at the same time, what must it be like if you are feeling especially bad, then everyone turns up and sits round your bed? I can't help but imagine that instead of thinking "Isn't it lovely that everyone's come" you might be thinking "Oh, does it look that bad, then?" - at least, that's what you sometimes hear from people who then made a turn for the better!

It's so hard to imagine how you might really feel when the time came. I hate it when I am ill and the kids look worried about me; as a parent you don't want to scare them, and I personally prefer to be alone when in discomfort. But you want the best for your children, don't you - which I also think would mean them saying goodbye in some form or another.

Beautiful summary @WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll. For me it was exactly that. I sat with my mum for her last final days and I don’t regret a second of it. She saw me into the world, it was only right for me to see her out of it.

DH died in hospital in a coma and his two sisters were with me at his bedside. Very near the end one of them became very distressed, made her apologies and left. It wasn’t because she didn’t love him, or didn’t want to support the rest of the family - she was just overwhelmed. She went home and stayed by the phone, and was the first person I called when he passed. She later explained that she couldn’t process what she was seeing and had needed to be alone to focus on the person her brother was in life to make sense of the aura of emptiness at the end. I could well understand what she meant. People process death differently and you need to accept that your DH will do it his own way and support him in that. It doesn’t mean he didn’t love her.

The fact is they are waiting for the end aren't they? When my mother was dying, in pain and distressed as she didn't want to die and was frightened I honestly didn't feel I was celebrating anything. I don't want my children to experience that, it can be traumatic and as with the dying person who told the family to fuck off I don't think I want my last experience to be listening to my loved ones being distressed.

Of course, your feelings are your own, and nobody can in any way tell you you that they are wrong.

I don't mean celebrating as in jubilation; more as being grateful for the (hopefully reasonably long) life that they have had, and how much more special they've made your own life, rather than glorying in the grim reality of the actual closing days/hours of it. Funerals, memorials, gravestones, obituaries, continued family traditions in their honour - these are all markers of the whole life of the deceased person and not just the scary part near the end.

I would fully respect the wishes of a dying person who prefers to go through the fear and distress alone, rather than surrounded by loved ones; but I think most people who have loved and been loved throughout their lives would at least like the opportunity for that tender support not to be shut off abruptly, before their time comes.

The OP is a nicer person than me.

My mum didn’t want me to be there when dad passed away but I felt an obligation personally to be there and I’m glad I was but I would 100% respect someone who didn’t want to be in that situation. In the dahs leading up to that I mentally said goodbye to him everytime I left and physically kissed him and told him I loved him - if he had passed when I was getting some rest so be it

I wonder if all the posters who think that the Dh behaviour is fine would be so quick to excuse it the other way around.

What about a mother who chose not to spend the last few weeks of her 16 year old sons life with him because it was too hard ? Apparently she felt she had “ already said her goodbyes “ and besides she had a holiday booked to the USA.

Was that Ok because she was grieving in her own way and it’s not our place to judge ?

@Nanny0ggeven more flags for you then.

@EL0ISE i would be the same. Advocating support and working with the mother. It’s very common to go into shut down. The solution is not to demonise.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll I agree

No one suggested demonising except you. What an odd word to use!

And the mother was not there to support or work with, she didn’t come to the hospital to visit the child or meet with the staff. It was left to other family members to step up. Just as with the OP.

Because that’s the thing isn’t it ? These family member who abdicate their responsibility can only do so if someone else does it instead. Usually women and sometimes those who are not even blood relatives , like the Op and many other PP.

@EL0ISE read the OP. That’s exactly what she’s doing. She’s levelling red flag accusations at her husband for not following her expected route to grief. It’s really quite gross.

There is some serious lack of understanding here how grief works.

Wait. Your post is really unclear.

MIL had taken a turn and was out, still is.
He came 6 hours after being called.
Even if he didn't want to see her body, his mom was still alive

So he did come, while she was still alive but unconscious? But took some time to prepare himself to deal with it? Or did he not turn up while she was alive at all?

Also, he was at work, and some employers are shit about this.

@Backstreetsbackalrightdadada said it perfectly. When my mother was dying my sibling checked out. It was miserable for me too, but I had to put my feelings aside and manage them. People who are not comfortable with death - please. No one likes it. But as a wonderful friend of mine said, you put your big girl pants on and remember this is not about you, you will feel uncomfortable and this is part of life. People who 'cant cope' are being incredibly selfish.

Exactly.

Seems to be overwhelming men who just "can't handle it" but expect their female family members to carry the burden.

So selfish to make it all about their discomfort, when what matters at that moment is comforting the person who is dying. Sometimes you've just got to step up.

There is some serious lack of understanding here how grief works.

There is some serious lack of understanding here of how love works.

If you are dealing with someone dying they are clearly still alive, unless we are talking about dealing with death as being when people are already dead then clearly we are talking about dealing with someone who is dying.

As a mother I honestly don't want my kids to go through what I did, I want their memories to be much more positive. You could equally say forcing your son to do something he finds so difficult is cruel. Having said that if it is what the dying person and their loved ones want then that is a perfectly reasonable thing but I think both parties have to want it.

I don't want anyone else to do it, at least not a loved one. I will be happy with a professional dealing with my death.