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Original poster

Help me to understand an alcoholic family member?

104 replies

FrogsNDogs · 13/02/2023 15:46

Hi. I'm at sea with this - no experience. My sister, who has 3 teenage kids, has a serious alcohol problem. It's affecting her kids badly now. I need to get her to stop. She obviously knows there's a problem (she did give up a few years ago, but has slipped back), must be able to see what it's doing to the people she loves most in the world, and when pushed keeps saying she's going to stop by next week (or similar). She'll need to do it slowly because she's physically dependent, and says she knows how to taper. She has been to AA in the past. She always manages to reassure me that she's fine, and I relax, and then something happens which makes me realise she's anything but. But she also lies about it, all the time. Lies, and lies, and lies. I have to help, but it feels like trying to pick up a jelly with your fingers. I don't know what's up and what's down any more. So worried about her. Can't get my head around what must be going through her poor mind. What can I actually DO?

OP posts:
Original poster
FrogsNDogs · 13/02/2023 15:51

Just to say that I am trying to support the kids as best possible - that, I can do.
But there's only so much I can do - they need their mum. Sometimes, I feel like I'm trying to communicate with an alien. I can no longer really see the person I thought I knew so well

OP posts:
HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 13/02/2023 15:54

Absolutely nothing.

I'm sorry, @FrogsNDogs , I really am. But addiction isn't rational, she can "know" she needs to stop but until she wants to herself, there's not a damned thing anyone else can do.

Indeed, she might even be desperate to stop but feel scared or powerless to do it. And then brazen it out in front of others.

Original poster
FrogsNDogs · 13/02/2023 15:57

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 13/02/2023 15:54

Absolutely nothing.

I'm sorry, @FrogsNDogs , I really am. But addiction isn't rational, she can "know" she needs to stop but until she wants to herself, there's not a damned thing anyone else can do.

Indeed, she might even be desperate to stop but feel scared or powerless to do it. And then brazen it out in front of others.

Thank you for replying, @HiccupHorrendousHaddock . The fact that she says she wants to stop (at least sometimes) - and tells me she is - is what makes me think that she will or could. But it doesn't happen...? Should I pay for her to go to rehab?

OP posts:
LividNC · 13/02/2023 15:57

You can’t do anything.

That’s the bleakest of bleaks but it’s the truth. You can put practical measures in place to help her kids. Call social services if they aren’t having their needs met.

Go to Al Anon for yourself, it’s for friends and relatives, and what you’ll learn is that you CANNOT cure it or control it. You only can disengage with love, to protect yourself.

I’m so sorry.

AlotIsntAWord · 13/02/2023 15:58

HHH is right.

I have several alcoholics in my family. There really is nothing you can do until the person either wants to stop, and asks for help and support, or hits rock bottom. So sorry, it’s so hard when kids are being affected.

Original poster
FrogsNDogs · 13/02/2023 16:01

@LividNC and @AlotIsntAWord thank you very much for posting.

I am listening to you all - honestly. I just can't... take that in as an idea? How can I possibly not act?! It sounds ridiculous, but I feel kind of physically bruised by thinking about it all the time (especially at 4am)

Thanks again

OP posts:
mindutopia · 13/02/2023 16:01

You really can't do anything. But her best bet for changing her life is to re-connect with sober communities. She must have had sober mentors and friends from when she quit previously. Those would be the best people to support her, but no one can make her quit. If anything, everyone harping on about how awful she is being to her children and how bad things are is likely to only increase the shame and secrecy, which is the opposite of what you'd ideally want to see happen.

Original poster
FrogsNDogs · 13/02/2023 16:01

I will look up AlAnon meetings - thank you. I can't help feeling it'll be a waste of time because it won't cure HER, but I realise that's not the point

OP posts:
Original poster
FrogsNDogs · 13/02/2023 16:03

mindutopia · 13/02/2023 16:01

You really can't do anything. But her best bet for changing her life is to re-connect with sober communities. She must have had sober mentors and friends from when she quit previously. Those would be the best people to support her, but no one can make her quit. If anything, everyone harping on about how awful she is being to her children and how bad things are is likely to only increase the shame and secrecy, which is the opposite of what you'd ideally want to see happen.

Good point about making her feel worse @mindutopia . I will not say anything about that

OP posts:
Original poster
FrogsNDogs · 13/02/2023 16:04

I was wondering about "staging an intervention", as I read online

OP posts:
Original poster
FrogsNDogs · 13/02/2023 16:05

Can anyone help me to understand WHY? What is it LIKE to need to drink that badly? I can't get into that mindset

OP posts:
Sucessinthenewyear · 13/02/2023 16:05

You can contact both SS and the children’s safeguard lead to share you concerns. You can go to an Al-Anon meeting to understand the issue and support for yourself. What you can’t do is change your sister’s behaviour.

Original poster
FrogsNDogs · 13/02/2023 16:06

Sucessinthenewyear · 13/02/2023 16:05

You can contact both SS and the children’s safeguard lead to share you concerns. You can go to an Al-Anon meeting to understand the issue and support for yourself. What you can’t do is change your sister’s behaviour.

Thank you @Sucessinthenewyear . The kids' basic needs are being met, so I don't need to involve SS. But I would if I had to

OP posts:
BethDuttonsTwin · 13/02/2023 16:07

You can’t do anything except offer support to her children. I was rolling my eyes at your account of the things she says, could hear my ex alcoholic husband in them, right down to the “tapering” off. Never imagined that one word would feature so heavily in my vocabulary for almost five years. You have to let go. She absolutely will not stop until she makes the decision to, nothing you say or do will make any difference at all. I’m sorry, it’s absolutely shit.

Sucessinthenewyear · 13/02/2023 16:08

I would still contact school as it’s very likely they will need more emotional support.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 13/02/2023 16:13

@FrogsNDogs , AlAnon might help you process it, and they have a dedicated teen section that might be more appropriate for your sisters children - al-anonuk.org.uk/alateen/

As for the mindset, it's like that of any addict whether it's smoking or drugs or booze. "this is the one thing that gets me through to the next day. If I don't have that one thing, I can't cope. I have to have it. Other people don't understand that I need this to function."

They lie to themselves they can quit, they lie to anyone who questions their addiction or threatens to remove it.

Original poster
FrogsNDogs · 13/02/2023 16:14

BethDuttonsTwin · 13/02/2023 16:07

You can’t do anything except offer support to her children. I was rolling my eyes at your account of the things she says, could hear my ex alcoholic husband in them, right down to the “tapering” off. Never imagined that one word would feature so heavily in my vocabulary for almost five years. You have to let go. She absolutely will not stop until she makes the decision to, nothing you say or do will make any difference at all. I’m sorry, it’s absolutely shit.

I'm sorry about your ex @BethDuttonsTwin . Is that how he would justify why he was still drinking? That he was tapering? I keep hearing this from my sister - she's still drinking, because she's cutting down slowly...

OP posts:
Original poster
FrogsNDogs · 13/02/2023 16:14

Sucessinthenewyear · 13/02/2023 16:08

I would still contact school as it’s very likely they will need more emotional support.

Yes, I'll think about this

OP posts:
Original poster
FrogsNDogs · 13/02/2023 16:16

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 13/02/2023 16:13

@FrogsNDogs , AlAnon might help you process it, and they have a dedicated teen section that might be more appropriate for your sisters children - al-anonuk.org.uk/alateen/

As for the mindset, it's like that of any addict whether it's smoking or drugs or booze. "this is the one thing that gets me through to the next day. If I don't have that one thing, I can't cope. I have to have it. Other people don't understand that I need this to function."

They lie to themselves they can quit, they lie to anyone who questions their addiction or threatens to remove it.

Thank you @HiccupHorrendousHaddock - I'll look this up. Does anyone know if there are good guides for how to speak with kids about alcoholism? I don't really know if they even have the words to know what's going on. They know she drinks too much, and that she's in a bad way emotionally, and they've seen her drunk repeatedly, but I don't know if they'd say (or if they should be told) that she has an addiction. Certainly, the youngest probably doesn't really understand the language around it. They just say "she's having a bad time" etc

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 13/02/2023 16:19

You need to remember the 3 Cs of loving an addict

  • you didn’t cause this
  • you can’t cure this
  • you can’t control this
there is no point paying for rehab until she’s hit rock bottom and wants help. All you can do it be around for the kids
Original poster
FrogsNDogs · 13/02/2023 16:20

Thank you all so much for the posts. I have to go to get to work, but will check back later in case anyone has said any more. Thank you again - I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
ManchesterGirl2 · 13/02/2023 16:20

It sounds like the kids desperately need more support. Is their father around?

An active alcoholic cannot be a safe and supportive parent. I very much doubt she is meeting their emotional needs.

Your sister is an adult, only she can control her own choices. But her kids need protecting.

Original poster
FrogsNDogs · 13/02/2023 16:21

HermioneWeasley · 13/02/2023 16:19

You need to remember the 3 Cs of loving an addict

  • you didn’t cause this
  • you can’t cure this
  • you can’t control this
there is no point paying for rehab until she’s hit rock bottom and wants help. All you can do it be around for the kids

Thanks @HermioneWeasley . How will I know when she wants help? Do you mean when she actually asks?

Thanks again all. Off now for a bit...

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 13/02/2023 16:22

Yes @FrogsNDogs . She’ll ask (well, probably beg by the time she’s got to that point). And ask for help quitting, not stuff that will enable her

Onnabugeisha · 13/02/2023 16:25

You could send her to rehab, but you’d have to ensure addiction support when she got out to include AlAnon mentor and meetings.

My BIL successfully quit alcohol, cigarette and heroin addictions over thirty years ago (100% sober for 30yrs) and went on to be an AlAnon mentor. His journey included psychiatric help as the addictions stemmed from self-medicating due to cPTSD. So, your sister may also need help to get therapy for the root cause of the addiction- it is often self medication for unresolved mental illness of some sort.

Sadly, he recently passed away age 60 from lung cancer, the years of smoking did their damage. His funeral had hundreds of AlAnon members he’d helped on their journey to sobriety- he was much loved in his community.

So, there is hope your sister can beat the addiction and you can help her try.

On the flip side, there were my parents. Both alcoholics and it killed both of them. My mum by drink driving when she was my age. My dad more slowly by drinking himself into kidney and liver failure. Both their death certificates list heavy alcohol consumption as a cause of death. I didn’t help my parents for the reason being they were hella abusive parents. I let them self destruct. I was more concerned with saving myself and then protecting my DC from them.