Help me to understand an alcoholic family member?

[FrogsNDogs]

Hi. I'm at sea with this - no experience. My sister, who has 3 teenage kids, has a serious alcohol problem. It's affecting her kids badly now. I need to get her to stop. She obviously knows there's a problem (she did give up a few years ago, but has slipped back), must be able to see what it's doing to the people she loves most in the world, and when pushed keeps saying she's going to stop by next week (or similar). She'll need to do it slowly because she's physically dependent, and says she knows how to taper. She has been to AA in the past. She always manages to reassure me that she's fine, and I relax, and then something happens which makes me realise she's anything but. But she also lies about it, all the time. Lies, and lies, and lies. I have to help, but it feels like trying to pick up a jelly with your fingers. I don't know what's up and what's down any more. So worried about her. Can't get my head around what must be going through her poor mind. What can I actually DO?

I have been in your position. I had literally tried everything and also felt like I was letting my brother down by not trying to ‘help’ him. At the end of my tether I joined some online Al Anon meetings. I soon realised that I can’t do anything to help until he wants to change. The meetings helped so much and the support of the others there is invaluable. If you can’t get to one in person, there is an online one based in East Anglia.

There are some really good animated videos online that explain addiction very well.

You need to read Al Anon for friends and families of alcoholics..... Its good.

You seem to be positioning yourself as the Saviour.

You can't save or control anyone. You need to get help for yourself, and unpack your role and responses I all of this.

I m sorry you have this burden to overcome.

I need to get her to stop

You can’t get her to stop. There is NOTHING you can do to get her to stop. Can you cure someone’s type 1 diabetes? Cure end-stage cancer? No? Well in that case, you can’t cure your sister.

Do you really think the relatives of all those dead alcoholics out there just didn’t try hard enough or search hard enough for the answer?

Focus on her children and contact their school’s safeguarding lead / children’s services.

Another voice adding to the “fuck all you can do, other than watch a slow suicide that will ruin the lives of everyone around her”. Honestly? Focus on her children. Their lives have already been decimated by her addiction.

And their basic needs being met, you don’t know that, you’re not there 24/7, and frankly, even if they are, that really is scraping the barrel in terms of parenting.

Why? This is a question that only your relative can answer, but there's a huge link with trauma and addiction, and often addicts are struggling with unbearable mental health symptoms that they are desperate to relieve.

I would agree that it’s likely she’s self medicating. When you mix that in with the physical dependency that she’s now got that a hell of a powerful reason to carry on drinking. Stopping drinking will make her feel awful and it’s probably really scary as well because alcohol detox can be dangerous as you know. So she’ll tell herself she can’t manage it today but she will do it tomorrow or next week or when she’s feeling stronger or when the weather improves. Or any other delaying tactic, because she does want to stop it’s just all too much for her to cope with.

I have name changed for this .

Another voice here adding yo the 'there is nothing you can do to make her give up'

My DHwas a alcohol, to start with when we first met we both put our high alcohol consumption down to our environment as we both worked in pubs but as time went although i still enjoyed a pint or two at the end of the night my DH ( unknown to me ) would have a couple during his shift then more at the end of the day .

Over the years it increased so we both got out of the pub game and went for different jobs .

I use to work all day on Saturdays so he would do the shopping , I discover after a few weeks he would go to the pu spend way to much then not have enough for the shopping .

His drinking increased more over the years to the extent he would drink gin at 7am to 'steady his nerves'

I ended up getting my DB to take our car away as I was very concerned DH would drive to the pub and back.

I tried everything , hiding money , taking his cash card , threatening to , and actually leaving hom .

Occasionally he would give up for a week or two , go through DTs ,violently ill, shakes , disoratation etc . Then say "see I can give up when ever I want " and the hit the drink again.

In short there was nothing I could do , he self distructed.

How did he self destruct? Is he still alive?

By the way, I can relate to that cycle of... Look, I didn't drink all week (lay on the couch facing away from the outside world), therefore I can binge all weekend, and I ve proven I'm a functioning person. It's so sad.

Thank you all again. Sorry I can't reply individually at the moment - at work now - but this is all very helpful (and sad/frustrating). The mental health problem thing is definitely true for her. But when I consider that, I can't see how she can get out of it - suspect she must think that she will get the mental health stuff better so that she can then give up. But how on earth can you get your mental health better when you're drinking that much? Catch 22. So does that make it impossible for someone to get better? Does that mean that something like rehab will be necessary to break the cycle? And is it really necessary to wait for someone to be ready for that? What if they never see it, and never are...?
Thank you again

I echo what everyone has said

1. Al anon for you- it absolutely helps to reframe the situation and to make you realise they are the only ones who can help themselves. believe it or not when you start to really detach and stop trying to help, your loved on may change.
2. al ateen for the kids. can they come and stay with you? do they talk about it? there is a lot of guilt with kids- they need to be told they didn’t cause this. they also need practical support in dealing with their mum.

i too have been through this and can only say with the benefit of experience that I wish i had learned a bit earlier not to waste my time and my worryinf

good luck and sorry you are going through this. but just do what you can do - which is support the kids xx

Some rehabs are combined with mental health units because addiction is so complex. It can be used to break the cycle, but the person has to be willing to go and then willing to stick it out. They then need tons of aftercare and support to not fall into the old addiction after rehab.

I suppose it can’t hurt to research things so if/when your sister asks for help you have a plan.

As everyone else has said, the only people you can help here are yourself and her children. Build your relationship with them so that they will talk to you; any intervention you can stage will have to be around their safety at home if things really deteriorate. Do not hesitate to involve Social Services if you think it's needed.

Al-Anon is for you, not her. It helps you realise that you are not alone and will help you learn the difference between supporting and enabling your sister. It will also help you live with the feelings of guilt and powerlessness.

Only your sister can help herself, and that means returning to AA, giving up on 'tapering' and working on the mental health issues that are underpinning her addiction. It's hard. Many don't make it.

Thanks again - reading and re-reading. Wish I had posted here months/years ago...

Another voice here for Al-Anon and Alateen. You cannot help someone who doesn't want it but you can help you.
Detachment with love

Hi OP, in my experience as a recovering alcoholic, the only thing that works is going to AA and working the 12 step programme. That doesn't mean putting down the drink - it means having a sponsor, going to as many meetings as possible but a minimum of three a week, doing service, doing the steps, connecting with AA fellows every day, reading the big book daily. You have to put as much energy into it as you put into seeking the next drink. And you tend to do it when you're truly desperate and have nowhere else to go.

Rehab is a waste of time and money unless the alcoholic wants recovery and sobriety with every single fibre of their being.

my sister is the same. There is nothing you can do, it’s utterly heartbreaking.

The only positive thing you can do is make sure the kids are as safe as possible.

That might include some very difficult decisions such as reporting her to the appropriate services if she is driving or not taking care of the kids needs.

If she wants to change she needs to do it herself. dh lost his dad to alcoholism, he was only in his 50s. It is a horrific the impact addiction can have on families.

Daughter of an alcoholic here. My mum has drunk heavily on and off for decades. As a child my basic needs were certainly not met while she was drinking - and even when she wasn’t. Everything was unstable. I didn’t know which mum I’d get from one day to the next - the one who loved me and could care for me or the one I had to care for and cried because she thought she should be better for me.
In 40 years of trying, as child and adult, I haven’t got my mum to consistently stay sober. I have broken myself trying. Please be there for the children and use al anon for yourself. And consider a safeguarding referral via social services/ talking to the school. I wish we’d had more input.

I have first hand experience of this in our family. We begged them to stop, pleaded with them, wrote them a letter to tell them how worried we were, cried in front of them, got angry with them and all to no avail. They have to want to stop and to help themselves, there is absolutely nothing you can do and that is the terrible and devastating truth.

They died in their 50s leaving children in their 20s and their first grandchild was only 11 months. It was and is so sad, such a waste and left everyone feeling immense guilt that they weren't able to stop it, despite us knowing there was nothing we could do.

So, in your position I would do what you can with your sister but would focus your energy on supporting your nieces and nephews, they are going to need you.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please listen to what everyone is saying, talk to others, so many people are going through similar you just won't know it.
From the alcoholic side, please know what she's doing doesn't mean she doesn't love you or her kids. Alcohol is cruel, truly cruel. You asked what it was like needing alcohol that much. Please don't try to know, it's unimaginable. You know you're ruining everything, everyone but resisting is also truly impossible, painful and torture.
Your sister is right that she needs to taper and may not be lying when she says she's doing that. The trouble with it is that you still have to drink so much each day that you end up in such a state that the alcohol drags you back and you end up going over your limit... And so the torture continues.
AA is certainly not the only route for your sister but she probably knows of others if she's been sober before (local support groups, smart recovery etc). Encourage her to try to engage with something.
Will she go to the GP? That's sometimes an induction of the alcoholic wanting to get sober.
I agree with contacting the school, they can help the kids.
I do hope for a better future for you all.

Hi. I'm an active alcoholic and honestly there isn't really anything you can do apart from help with her children. I've lost everything - my teens, my job, my licence, many friends. It's not something that I would wish on my worst enemy. No one wants to become an addict and I often wonder 'why me' when all of my friends drank like I did, often more but they're not addicted. it was me who got hooked.
I even had a friend who died from alcoholism (42) and I always remember being exasperated with her and unable to fathom her thinking .....three years on and I was in the same boat.
What my sister does is invite me out, I know I can't drink before meeting her or when I'm with her, so that's a sober day for me, which I value. My parents do the same. My now adult kids talk to me but they live with their dad.
I've been to rehab and drank again within a week. I've been hospitalised three times, twice from overdoses and once from drinking so much, my parents called an ambulance.
I really hope your sister can get well. It's an awful disorder. I don't want to be like this. I want to be well again but I don't know if I ever will be. I tried AA but the women were really clicky and I didn't feel welcome - I went to four different meetings/venues.
Look after the children. I'm forever grateful that my parents, my sister, friends and exH looked after mine when I was unable to.
She will lie, we all do, mostly because we are ashamed and don't want anyone to know how bad it is.
My sister tells me how infuriating it is which I understand, but, unless you are an addict, you don't understand as it's impossible to.
Please just spend time with your sister. Try to get her out for sober days.
I hate Uber eats and Deliveroo as I can get wine delivered in 15mins. Alcohol is sold so freely, I wish I was addicted to cocaine as then I'd be able to delete all dealers from my phone and wouldn't be able to get any. Whereas with alcohol I can buy from five places in my village - within five minutes walk. Or delivery.
I wish you and your sister well. Look after yourself as honestly, there's nothing you can do to help her apart from spend time with her and make it clear that she has to be sober at those times. I go and stay at my parents' for a couple of nights a week as I can't drink there (oh yes I've tried but their next door neighbour has a ring doorbell and told my parents that I'd had a delivery).
My sister is lovely and has done a lot for me but she can't get me sober. My adult children can't either, nor my elderly parents or my friends.
I'll try again but the withdrawal is awful. I had two natural childbirths and the pain of withdrawal is worse. Then the cycle begins again as although I know that the first drink is the worst, I do it. I don't know why, I wish I did.
I had a lovely childhood and life but when my husband left it all went downhill.
Please look after yourself

Hi OP,
Recovering alcoholic here and completely agree with PPs.
Al-Anon and Al-Ateen do amazing work, they will be able to show you how there is absolutely nothing you can do.
Until your sister makes the decision to change and truly means it and will do anything to get sober, she's lost to you.
And she's lost to her children too.
My own DC went through dreadful times with me, absolutely terrible times.
Thank the Gods for AA, it literally saved my life and my DC got their mum back.
She can do it, but only off her own back.
You need to love her from a distance in order to protect yourself.
Feel free to PM me if it helps.

Oh @activealcoholictryingtohelp I've just read your post and it's heartbreaking. I was at the depths, went to hospital, rehab, tried everything and then suddenly it clicked, I detoxed and I haven't looked back. Good luck.

@activealcoholictryingtohelp my heart breaks for you. I have been where you are and I promise there is a bright future without alcohol. Feel free to PM me.