Help me to understand an alcoholic family member?

[FrogsNDogs]

Hi. I'm at sea with this - no experience. My sister, who has 3 teenage kids, has a serious alcohol problem. It's affecting her kids badly now. I need to get her to stop. She obviously knows there's a problem (she did give up a few years ago, but has slipped back), must be able to see what it's doing to the people she loves most in the world, and when pushed keeps saying she's going to stop by next week (or similar). She'll need to do it slowly because she's physically dependent, and says she knows how to taper. She has been to AA in the past. She always manages to reassure me that she's fine, and I relax, and then something happens which makes me realise she's anything but. But she also lies about it, all the time. Lies, and lies, and lies. I have to help, but it feels like trying to pick up a jelly with your fingers. I don't know what's up and what's down any more. So worried about her. Can't get my head around what must be going through her poor mind. What can I actually DO?

Try and think of her as ill. Alcoholism really is a mental illness. People just can’t stop, even when they’re miserable and sick and consumed with self-loathing. It’s such an awful sight. I really am sorry OP. People do overcome it though, so don’t give up.

So is admitting that you are powerless over alcohol and surrendering to your higher power not an integral part of AA then, @LadyWiddiothethird ? Despite the verbal linguistics that ‘your higher power can be yourself”, that sounds pretty faith based to me.

If AA works for you, knock yourself out. I’m not denigrating it, just pointing out that when something is postulated as being the only way, and people are told that if it doesn’t work for them, that is their own failing (ie they didn’t ‘work it’ enough), then that can be quite damaging for them.

12 step works for lots of people, but it is not the only option, nor necessarily the best option.

Can anyone suggest any good sobriety podcasts?

I listened to a radio interview from 1980, and, my God, it brought back memories of those cozy, homely pub scenes, that became too comfortable for far too many people. It was so poignant, there was also commentary from medical professionals, explaining how people are weaned off alcohol and the general process and expectation of regression and lapses from time to time.

Please don't take complete responsibility for her children. Hopefully there are other family members who can help.

Take it from me, feeling you need to save her family from her actions is mentally and physically draining. I am not saying you need to ignore her children, but don't neglect your own family. That may sound very harsh, I'm sorry.

I am fighting my way up out of alcoholism.

Traumatic childhood. The damage can't be healed. Eight years ago I was drinking far too much every day. Managed to give it up for 9 months but a good friend pushed me quite hard one night to try some whiskey and I haven't been dry for more than three weeks since. He regrets it. He just didn't realise the reality of it. If I do get dry again I can't risk even one drink.

If I'm dry for a few nights now I don't miss it physically but I miss it so much mentally. It cushions the mental and emotional pain that sometimes makes every breath hurt, no exaggeration.

It's a false friend. It's a depressive so it makes things worse not better in the long run. But it clouds the pain for that night.

Sometimes I can keep it at one beer a night, sometimes it's a lot more. Sometimes it's 3 days without a drink, sometimes it's 6 weeks without a dry night.

When I was dry I was 'there' more for my children. I love them so much. Physically, emotionally and mentally I felt better. But I can't live with the pain inside. But if I do ever manage stop again, I'll never touch it again (writing sober tonight)

That's why I drink. But there must be a lot of different reasons for people.

@NameChangeNecessaryHere there are so many resources available to help you with this, and healing absolutely is possible for you.

This conference on Trauma is on this week - each day’s lectures are free to view for 24 hrs if you register. www.consciouslife.com/conferences/tsc-3/agenda

Dealing with your trauma becomes possible once you stop drinking. There is lots of support available out there. Start with Smart Recovery online meetings, and the Dry threads in the Mumsnet Alcohol Support section.

Alcohol is a drug, it’s an addiction, it’s all they think about- the next fix, when, where and how they’re going to get it. It’s all that matters.

Please make sure her kids are ok, if not then call SS.

I have a close relative, who I love dearly, but have a love/heartache (sometimes hate) relationship with. They assume because they don't "need" to drink first thing when they wake up that they're not an alcoholic... however they clock watch until a certain time of the day and then start. Every day. Recently they've said "I don't drink anymore" ... ok, the words go in but it's not believed. Then theres alcohol in the fridge for their friend who visits.. and then a small bottle turned around near the bin thinking I wouldn't see. I've watched this person my entire life drink. It's only when I got a bit older I've tried to say how worried I am, I've tried saying I'll be there, I've got angry, I've cried, I've had the hurtful sh!t spat at me like venom, they're a jackal and Hyde, they've embarrassed themselves and me, they've lost almost everyone. They don't remember what they've said and done. They LIE more and more. They would try to tell me that flying pigs existed before they accepted they were an alcoholic. Sometimes the denial is harder to deal with. Then again, deep down they probably do know. They've watched a loved one die due to alcohol and that still hasn't stopped them.

It's only now, many, many years later, I've realised I can't control them, I can't control what they do, say or think. I can't stick up for them anymore like I use to as a teen. I can't do it. They have to.

It's sad, it's bloody hard watching it, but you also have to think of yourself and your sisters kids, You can help them but sadly, not her.
Does she believe she's an alcoholic?
Or does she not see it as a problem?

Actually, I thank you for this post, it's actually helped reading other people's stories and how they deal with things.

However you choose to deal with this situation I wish you and the kids luck, and I hope one day, your sister gets the help she needs xx

I'm going to reply in more detail later, but I just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who's posted so honestly about this. I can't say how grateful I am to you for so generously sharing your advice and experiences. I'm also really sorry for everyone who's been affected by this kind of thing, in whatever capacity. Love to you all.

You can't get her to stop, it doesn't work that way

She needs to do the work herself and make the decision

All you can do is help her kids as you are doing

I've no advice to add but wanted to wish the OP well with having to deal with this. I also wanted to say how insightful a lot of the posters have been on this thread. I don't drink and don't have any experience of alcoholics and found this thread very insightful

Walk away. Be there for the children but walk away from her and have a read of the alanon website

Just want to say again how helpful this thread is - I keep coming back to it. It's been a shock and really sad to let go of the idea that there could be a quick fix. But it's also made me understand a lot more, and do more focused reading. And it's made me reappraise what I said about the kids' basic needs being met. I have to do more there. I can't get involved to the degree some have suggested (I live an hour away, and have my own children I need to look after, and a full-time job), but the suggestions have given me lots of ideas of what I can do, and who I could go to for help for them.
So thank you all again for being so generous with your knowledge and understanding.

And the option of having the kids to stay with me will remain open always.

Could they have a ‘holiday’ with you over Easter or the summer. To give them a break and to have some respite and TLC?

It might seem less of a betrayal to their mum that moving in with you.

The closest thing most people come close to with addiction is when you say I must go on a diet and not eat all those chocolates and you do it anyway. There’s no logical reason why we ate it all we just did.

Addiction is like that but 1000x worse, it’s an itch you can’t scratch, you know it’s bad for you but you do it anyway. You can see it hurting people around you and you feel bad but you can’t stop. Then it’s a mixture of guilt and satisfaction. It’s an emotional rollercoaster of self hating for most.

She will need to help herself but even that can be super hard. The relapsing the itch.

I've only read OP's posts so sorry if someone has already said this.

I knew for a long time before I got help that I needed to stop. AA wasn't for me, and I felt like rehab would be the only way I'd manage it, but the only route seemed to be private rehab at ££££. Eventually I found out that you can in fact have a free (bar prescription costs) at home detox/rehab on the NHS.

You have to refer to your local substance abuse centre. Some will let you self refer, some may require Dr referal.

They should be able to offer support.

You can find them here www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/find-an-alcohol-addiction-service/location.

Avoid CGL they seem to direct to Detox UK who will charge. If you struggle to get free help, these can help: Dear Albert can help: www.dearalbert.co.uk/nhs-alcohol-detox/.

I did around 3 months counselling once a week prior and again after. 10 day at home detox with family support.

The medication made phyical withdrawal smooth and easy to the point I didn't have a single side effect.

I'm sober 3.5 years later.

To add, I took a weeks holiday from my job. Bar my Dr and some family, no one else has any knowledge of this.

This is so interesting and helpful - thank you.
Congratulations on doing this @theemmadilemma
I'm assuming that you had to be motivated enough to do this yourself - would a relative trying to get you to do this have helped at all?

I helped my relative access the drug referral centre but she wanted to get sober.

This would certainly be open to them from my perspective.

A big issue here is that although it must be incredibly stressful being around their mum sometimes (and worrying about her, etc), they are adolescents, and some aspects of this situation actually suit them quite well. For example, she will give them cash to get themselves a takeaway/fast food rather than cook for them, and then she allows them to be free to socialise with their mates all the time and basically do what they want. So the idea of being in my very boring house with boring food and bedtimes is actually not massively appealing...

To answer you, from my perspective, yes it would of helped.

I had got to the place where I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. But I could not taper properly alone (I did as part of the lead up to detox, but only minimally). I could see no route out.

So when I finally discovered the NHS option I jumped at it. Yes I was scared that first appointment. I was. But the key for me was the centre counsellors were mainly previously addicts themselves. So it was so much easier to be open.

Let her know it's an option. She might just be interested enough.

If she's not ready, no worries. But she'll have another option.

I jump on these threads because it's not well known this is available, and I had I known, I might have got sober a few years earlier.

She is an addict and there is nothing you can do on a personal level, even with engaging with treatment she needs that inner desire to want to stop.

She may know the reason for her addiction , I know someone who has an addiction to food. She is seriously overweight and it’s affecting her health I also know she was sexually abused as a child. She however does not believe in therapy. She will shorten her life due to her weight.

Many addictions are masking inner pain. I have had many dealing with addicts both alcohol and drugs through voluntary work. All of them had a story.

OP if it weren't for the mention of children I would think you were my sister. I am an alcoholic with some pretty bad mental health issues and I hate how it has affected my family. But the more people try to help, the more I push them away. So for me, any kind of intervention has the opposite of its intended effect. Your sister may be different. But for me, just being treated normally and not feeling like everyone is talking about and worried about me and my issues is the best thing to help me snap out of a bad episode.

I hope things get better for your sister. As others have mentioned, there are home based detoxes you can do (she would need Librium if she's physically dependent to stop withdrawals).

Has she had any liver function tests? That might push her to change (it did for me).