Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Please help. I really hate having a teen daughter.

112 replies

MsAnnThropic · 11/02/2023 09:57

My daughter is 13.5 , so only just into her teenage years, and I am finding it such hard work.

She stomps around the house, winding her siblings up, or just whacking them for fun. She refuses to help around the house at all and will take anything she wants, whether it's hers or not.

She is so angry all of the time, and frequently tells me what a shit Mum I am. I am really, really struggling.

I thought maybe she just needed some big girl time, so took her to our nearest city last weekend for shopping and dinner (her choice). I thought we'd had a lovely time, but she's been even more vile this week.

I feel so guilty, but she's going on a football camp for three days this half term and I can't wait. The atmosphere in the house is so much nicer when she's not here. It's like everyone breathes a huge sigh of relief. I feel horrible writing that.

Any tips on coping? Helping her...or me? I really don't know how I'm going to cope with the rest of the teen years 😞 (it doesn't help that my youngest isn't sleeping, so am extra sleep deprived). I just want to run away!

OP posts:
ElizaGumpyLeg · 11/02/2023 10:04

Get strict as fuck with her beahviour. My friends have teen daughters like this and I won’t tolerate it from mine (and as a result I have a teenage daughter who though occasionally stroppy, is for the most part quite nice - and when she’s not I don’t allow it to spoil things for everyone else)
If she wants to be a moody angry bitch she can be one in her room and be quiet about it.

Parenting has gotten more patient and caring and in many ways that’s better - but not in this way. 70’s parent had the right idea about stuff like this - don’t allow it to develop, don’t tolerate it, don’t allow your teens to think they can disrespect you and ruin years of family life for everyone lwith their attitude.

I was plenty moody and hormonal as a teen but I never would have believed that it was an option to behave the way your daughter is with my parents so I didn’t dare. Don’t kid yourself - you can’t nice your way out of this.

Get mean mama and stick to it

Piscesmumma1978 · 11/02/2023 10:05

Same.

I have two DdS. 15 and just 13. My 13 year old has been awful for a year or two now.

Her attitude, behaviour, she lashes out.

I'm struggling to be nice to her now as I'm sick of it.

She behaves amazingly the weekends shes at her dads.

ElizaGumpyLeg · 11/02/2023 10:07

Just to add to that - she isn’t going to be less mossy and hormonal just because you discipline her. She will be the same and feel the same until she grows out of it. The best you can do is make sure it doesn’t badly impact your family life - which it will if you let it.

Your not going to make her less happy by being stricter with her.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

13 year olds Families
Futurethoughts · 11/02/2023 10:07

I think the stricter you get the worse it will make her. I don’t think you need to pander to her with lots of fuss but equally, don’t make life harder for yourself. Disengagement works. She’ll come through it.

ElizaGumpyLeg · 11/02/2023 10:08

Also where is her dad in all this? Is it you specifically she lashes out at or anyone?
Is there any chance he can do more of the discipline or whatever if your finding it hard right now?

Original poster
MsAnnThropic · 11/02/2023 10:11

@ElizaGumpyLeg I think you're probably right. I have removed her phone from her today, and sent her up to her room. I have read her the riot act about how her behavior affects others. She just really doesn't seem to care though.

@Piscesmumma1978 I'm so sorry to hear you're going through it too. It's so tough isn't it!? Was your older teen like this when she was younger? My DD has always been quite highly strung, so am wondering if this is normal, or just a her thing. It's just so horrible and exhausting isn't it.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsAnnThropic · 11/02/2023 10:13

Her Dad and I are pretty equal partners I'd say, although she definitely lashes out at me more. We're usually on the same page, and back rach other up.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsAnnThropic · 11/02/2023 10:14

@Futurethoughts thank you. How would you advise handling?

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 11/02/2023 10:14

Read
"How to talk so teens will listen"
Has some good ideas

SwedishEdith · 11/02/2023 10:15

I'd ask this to be moved to the Teenagers section OP. The last similar thread I read on here became horrible for the OP.

WimpoleHat · 11/02/2023 10:17

don’t allow it to develop, don’t tolerate it, don’t allow your teens to think they can disrespect you and ruin years of family life for everyone lwith their attitude.

I must say that I agree with this (and I have a DD of the same age). I know a lot of people advocate the whole love bombing approach, but basically she’s behaved badly, you’ve rewarded her with a lovely day out of her choosing and then she’s behaved worse. I’d get a lot tougher.

Futurethoughts · 11/02/2023 10:18

@MsAnnThropic - I think it sounds like you’re doing fine. I do think just not engaging with taunts or refusal to do chores or whatever is the way forward: it removes drama. If you ask her to please do the washing up and she refuses, fine. Don’t make your own life miserable by having a showdown you won’t win. You can, if you want to, have a sort of reward system - OK then, no going to the cinema tomorrow or whatever - but I do think that it’s pretty normal.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 11/02/2023 10:20

Reward the good.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 11/02/2023 10:21

We’ve had 4 teens. Never been particularly strict. Reward the good works best.

Original poster
MsAnnThropic · 11/02/2023 10:21

@Futurethoughts so would you just suck it up and do the washing up yourself? Does that not reward the tantrum even more?... You're right though... It does always result in a showdown that I very rarely win, and if I do it's usually been such a shit show that I feel knackered!

OP posts:
Original poster
MsAnnThropic · 11/02/2023 10:22

@cestlavielife funnily enough I've recently ordered that!

OP posts:
Sammysquiz · 11/02/2023 10:22

If my teen was physically hurting my other children, I would not be taking her out on a shopping/dinner trip.

neerg · 11/02/2023 10:23

Don't listen to people who have kids that are good because the parents are super strict.
I have two daughters. One was awful,like yours, the second wasn't. It is honestly luck of the draw. And different personalities.
If I had my time again I would honestly be less strict.

And look after yourself, your kid does love you, it's l that teenage crap going on in her head.

Futurethoughts · 11/02/2023 10:27

Yeah, I’d just do the washing up. It isn’t worth the aggro!

Piscesmumma1978 · 11/02/2023 10:27

It's hard isn't it. My older DD is better behaved but it's very sneeky. She's not clever enough to hide things though.

Snapchat is banned in our house and I've removed the option to download apps on their phones.

isthismylifenow · 11/02/2023 10:31

Has she started menustrating yet ? I only ask as my DD was a bloody nightmare for about 6 months prior to starting. Crying and just so out of character.

But I wouldn't tolerate disrespect and tantrums. There were a couple and after being sent to room or whatever punishment was suitable I would have a discussion with her about it (after everyone cooled off) It would go along the lines of that I'm not disrespectful to her, so why did she think it's ok for her to be to me or anyone else in the house etc.

But 13 year old girls are a bit volatile generally, but at the end of the day they are still children and have to learn how to deal with different emotions. As there is a lot going on hormonally then. In our house it's not ok to shout and perform and say mean things, slam doors etc. If it was going this way then I'd try to avoid it, not too dissimilar to a toddler tantrum. So would you like to help me cook now, shall we take the dog for a walk, and then talk it out during that time.

A lot of the time it was outside pressures, school, friend issues, in our case her father as we are divorced. I always think something triggers this, but hormones don't help with reactions.

My dc are in their 20s now and are both well adjusted adults, so I don't think I did too bad.

Good luck and I know it's always said, but it won't always be like this.

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 11/02/2023 10:33

I've got two. Which means at any one time one of them is in a strip/chasing me some sort of stress. It's a thankless task and although I'm getting better at the art of ignoring it it still gets me down on a regular basis.
Last night we had my DSS's here and my DD's (.DS's are younger and all four kids get on fine pretty much). We were celebrating the beginning of half term, DD2's very good mock results, me being offered a new job. I made tons of Italian food-we have picky eaters so something for everyone to save stress. We were all messing about singing silly Italian songs-everyone in a good mood for once-until Dd1 got herself in a strop for no clear reason and started to become surly and monosyllabic. Apparently her sister was annoying her-no one could see how exactly.
She managed to drain any joy out of the evening and then took herself
Off to bed.
That's typical behaviour from one or the other Dd on most occasions currently and if not the DSS's will be fighting or moaning at one another or DH.
It's so rare that one child at least isn't in a mood of some sort and it makes me reluctant to even try to make effort with them.

I'm still pretty annoyed with Dd1 this morning though haven't see her yet. No doubt she will ask me for a lift somewhere as if nothing has happened. I will calmly refuse today as her behaviour has to have some consequences.

I think the key is to ignore/rise above it, try not to let it impact you or the wider family and enforce consequences as needed. But it's easier said than done!

Original poster
MsAnnThropic · 11/02/2023 10:34

@isthismylifenow thank you! Nice to hear from someone who has come through it- and survived!

No, she hasn't started her periods yet. I did wonder if that was a factor.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsAnnThropic · 11/02/2023 10:37

@TheLastDreamOfTheOak that sounds tough. I'm sorry your evening went that way. I find it very difficult when they act as though nothing happened and then expect lifts etc!

Congratulations on your new job though!

OP posts:
bobbytorq · 11/02/2023 10:37

ElizaGumpyLeg · 11/02/2023 10:04

Get strict as fuck with her beahviour. My friends have teen daughters like this and I won’t tolerate it from mine (and as a result I have a teenage daughter who though occasionally stroppy, is for the most part quite nice - and when she’s not I don’t allow it to spoil things for everyone else)
If she wants to be a moody angry bitch she can be one in her room and be quiet about it.

Parenting has gotten more patient and caring and in many ways that’s better - but not in this way. 70’s parent had the right idea about stuff like this - don’t allow it to develop, don’t tolerate it, don’t allow your teens to think they can disrespect you and ruin years of family life for everyone lwith their attitude.

I was plenty moody and hormonal as a teen but I never would have believed that it was an option to behave the way your daughter is with my parents so I didn’t dare. Don’t kid yourself - you can’t nice your way out of this.

Get mean mama and stick to it

Totally this. I had zero tolerance for poor behaviour from my teens and they were all pleasant human beings. Parenting is an active process and is hard work and I think issues develop when people take their eye off the ball and allow it to become a passive process.

Swipe left for the next trending thread