Please help. I really hate having a teen daughter.

[MsAnnThropic]

My daughter is 13.5 , so only just into her teenage years, and I am finding it such hard work.

She stomps around the house, winding her siblings up, or just whacking them for fun. She refuses to help around the house at all and will take anything she wants, whether it's hers or not.

She is so angry all of the time, and frequently tells me what a shit Mum I am. I am really, really struggling.

I thought maybe she just needed some big girl time, so took her to our nearest city last weekend for shopping and dinner (her choice). I thought we'd had a lovely time, but she's been even more vile this week.

I feel so guilty, but she's going on a football camp for three days this half term and I can't wait. The atmosphere in the house is so much nicer when she's not here. It's like everyone breathes a huge sigh of relief. I feel horrible writing that.

Any tips on coping? Helping her...or me? I really don't know how I'm going to cope with the rest of the teen years 😞 (it doesn't help that my youngest isn't sleeping, so am extra sleep deprived). I just want to run away!

None of them have to. It’s always a choice, isn’t it?

Its a choice whether you go to work or not, a choice whether you spend all your money the first week of the month, a choice whether you wear a coat or are cold.

But those choices have consequences. Rather than have a row about it, just make it simple. She does the washing up - great, thanks, here is something for you to say thanks. Or she does not, and she doesn’t get whatever it was.

You can’t force anyone.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Hmm, you had a terrible menopause, had periods of depression whereby you were withdrawn but then pop up on threads stating how easy parenting has been and how you’ve been laid back and they’ve all be fine etc.

Really? Is that so? Maybe your kids knew you weren’t safe to approach if you spent years of it menopausal and depressed. Your posts NEVER add up.

OP I just wanted you to know I feel your pain. My DD cut her long lustrous hair into a short bob in secret by herself today. I've been in tears. This is ontop of other stroppy shitty behaviour. I don't even know if she can tie it up. It's all different lengths. It's shit.

One word anyway. Sanctions. Or consequences. She won't see her phone anytime soon.

Mother of 2 sweet teenage boys here, so take this advice with a pinch of salt, if you like:

Get her into rowing or any sport that uses her big leg, bum muscles, involves team work and ideally has the therapeutic water aspect. Get her to channel her energy into something healthy, social and positive. I find the rowing coaches are great, they shoulder some of the parenting. All the kids have positive role models and it involves discipline and also access to other healthy, happy kids.

Her peer group need to be healthy, not bitchy.

It ll get her out of the house too, and tire her out.

Sorry I'm late back to this... It's been a typically busy weekend Thank you for all of the replies. Lots of food for thought.

Just to answer a few questions;

Yes, there's a new baby. She's 5 months old. DD is absolutely fantastic with her and loves her very much (she's not all bad!) The baby has been very seriously unwell and in and out of hospital for around a month (though, thankfully is on the mend now), which may be why I've let things slide a bit at home.

I really don't just let her run a mock, and she is always reprimanded when she hurts her siblings. I do think I need to be more consistent with sanctions though.

Funnily enough I am generally good at validating feelings and co regulating, but probably have gotten better with each child, so maybe DD didn't get the best of me when she was little in that respect. My middle children are generally much more chilled out characters.

Thank you to those who have offered practical tips. And to those who have mentioned looking after my own mental health. I have been wobbly since the baby was so unwell, and maybe have a touch of PND. This thread has helped me to remember this as a factor.

@SockGoddess and @Tgif2023 thank you for the solidarity. Sorry you're going through it too, but it's such a relief to know it's not just me! @SockGoddess it would be great to have a support thread. Yes please! Could we maybe start a new one in teenagers?

@IwasToldThereWouldBeCake Love this idea! I used to row and I loved it! She does play a team sport and skates (roller and board) .

DD is generally quite an anxious girl and I think this affects her behavior at home (she's a model child outside of the house!).

We've both cooled off since yesterday and had a good conversation yesterday evening, where I laid out my expectations and what consequences there will be. She's off to her camp tomorrow which will give us all a bit of respite.

... Super long post. Thank you if you've got this far!

Just checking in quickly OP, sorry to hear your baby has been so ill, that must be stressful for everyone. I’ll try to remember to start a thread tomorrow (unless you would rather start it, if so please do) - exhausted tonight!

@MissWings

You know fuck all about me.

Stalk someone else

You'll get a lot of conflicting advice on MN OP....

Let her know the impact of her behaviour while also 'love bombing' her.
Give her space while also spending quality time with her.
Let the small things go/pick your battles/make allowances while also setting and enforcing clear boundaries.

Oh and don't forget they're teenagers, its hormonal, its the way their brains are developing etc.

I've no idea. Build a bomb shelter and hide in it for the next 10 years?

Hi OP and everyone, the new support thread is up:
www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/4741867-struggling-with-having-a-teen-daughter-support-thread

Thank you for that 👍