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Original poster

Please help. I really hate having a teen daughter.

112 replies

MsAnnThropic · 11/02/2023 09:57

My daughter is 13.5 , so only just into her teenage years, and I am finding it such hard work.

She stomps around the house, winding her siblings up, or just whacking them for fun. She refuses to help around the house at all and will take anything she wants, whether it's hers or not.

She is so angry all of the time, and frequently tells me what a shit Mum I am. I am really, really struggling.

I thought maybe she just needed some big girl time, so took her to our nearest city last weekend for shopping and dinner (her choice). I thought we'd had a lovely time, but she's been even more vile this week.

I feel so guilty, but she's going on a football camp for three days this half term and I can't wait. The atmosphere in the house is so much nicer when she's not here. It's like everyone breathes a huge sigh of relief. I feel horrible writing that.

Any tips on coping? Helping her...or me? I really don't know how I'm going to cope with the rest of the teen years 😞 (it doesn't help that my youngest isn't sleeping, so am extra sleep deprived). I just want to run away!

OP posts:
Tekkentime · 11/02/2023 10:41

Be strict but let her know often that you love her.

Do not accept her hitting her siblings or making everyone else uncomfortable!

isthismylifenow · 11/02/2023 10:42

MsAnnThropic · 11/02/2023 10:34

@isthismylifenow thank you! Nice to hear from someone who has come through it- and survived!

No, she hasn't started her periods yet. I did wonder if that was a factor.

I think from what you say, she could be due to start anytime soon.

It cant be too overlooked as an excuse though. Although I'm sure some extra tlc won't go amiss.

ElizaGumpyLeg · 11/02/2023 10:45

neerg · 11/02/2023 10:23

Don't listen to people who have kids that are good because the parents are super strict.
I have two daughters. One was awful,like yours, the second wasn't. It is honestly luck of the draw. And different personalities.
If I had my time again I would honestly be less strict.

And look after yourself, your kid does love you, it's l that teenage crap going on in her head.

@neerg

It’s not luck of the draw whether you tolerate it though. You don’t have to allow your kid to rant and through tantrums just because they’re a teen or something.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

13 year olds Families
TheTempest · 11/02/2023 10:47

I have a 13year old DD, and have a 24th ar old DSD who I raised through her teen years. I have one piece of advice- have some absolute hard lines, but easy enough important stuff. Other than that pick your battles, reward the good (food, money, days out, shopping, lifts), clear unchanging consequences for breaking the hard rules (removal of phone, grounded, withdrawal of allowance/lifts etc) on a sliding scale. This too shall pass! They do come out the other side, my DSD is awesome now but she was a challenge in her teen years.

Newgirls · 11/02/2023 10:51

I’ve got 2. Read ALL the books. Remember hormones. Think about your own parenting and how you were raised - did you feel understood etc. eg Do you prefer young kids because they are more easily controlled etc. In a way we want teenage girls to stand up for themselves and mum is a safe place to do that. It’s challenging yes but when you think of the messages teen girls get about themselves in todays world it’s hardly surprising they feel anger and confusion at the world

FavouriteSlippers · 11/02/2023 10:56

My teen acted like this. Tried ignoring it. Sitting and speaking. He acted spoilt. More he got more he did it.

Until one day i snapped. Emptied his room bar his bed. For a month! ( play station etc)
He soon changed.
Niw when he does act up. He gets 1 warning of empty room he curbs it.

isthismylifenow · 11/02/2023 10:56

She is so angry all of the time, and frequently tells me what a shit Mum I am

I just reread your post OP. This is blatant disrespect and is not okay. This would have consequences, and firstly it's really mean and I'm pretty sure not true. Secondly the fact she says it frequently is telling me that you haven't nipped it in the bud.

I doubt very much you are a shit mum when you are here asking for advice.

A shit mum may not do her washing, may not take her for days out, may not do many things that she is taking for granted. Maybe a few days of not having her 'shit mum' do these things may help her realise how much you actually do do for her.

Lollypop701 · 11/02/2023 11:11

Got to be honest when my dd told me I was a shit mum I walked away then when it was calm had a conversation about what a shit dd she was being, with examples. Told her yes sometimes I am a shit mum, sometimes she is a shit dd. She was shocked when I said it to her… didn’t understand how hurtful it is. But we are a family, I love her v much and when our feelings get to much walk away, go to your room and come back later. If she chooses not to do that (I would remind her when she was being awful) then there would be consequences. I was consistent rewarding the good and penalties for the bad… she will be better once she has her periods hopefully. Oh and I spent a LOT of time biting my tongue

OldTrot · 11/02/2023 12:31

When you go down the road of removing possession and privileges, you give them - literally - nothing left to lose so the behaviour worsens.

Don't back them into a corner like this. Reward the behaviour you like to see and ignore the rest, bar being physical with siblings etc of course

Optionally · 11/02/2023 12:41

My oldest is 14, so I don’t know if this will work long term. But if she’s grumpy and unpleasant to be around I send her to her room. If she doesn’t do what I asked, I’ll usually leave it to create problems for her (eg no clean laundry) or do it but next time she asks for something say ‘no, I’m still feeling cross about doing all the washing up you left in the sink’. It’s a bit transactional but hopefully it shows her I’m a person with feelings too.

I do try to give her plenty of options and freedom, too. So she doesn’t have to come on family trips out, I don’t nag her about homework or ask to see it, I let her move around independently by bus and tube as long as she tells me where she’s going and who with. And I try to make spending time together positive and easy, and not to react when she’s pushing my buttons to see what happens. Easier said than done, though!

ElizaGumpyLeg · 11/02/2023 12:49

Newgirls · 11/02/2023 10:51

I’ve got 2. Read ALL the books. Remember hormones. Think about your own parenting and how you were raised - did you feel understood etc. eg Do you prefer young kids because they are more easily controlled etc. In a way we want teenage girls to stand up for themselves and mum is a safe place to do that. It’s challenging yes but when you think of the messages teen girls get about themselves in todays world it’s hardly surprising they feel anger and confusion at the world

@Newgirls

Teen girls have always been like this, it’s the hormones not the modern world. What’s changed is tolerating it.

I think the responses would be different and harsher had OP come on saying her 13 year old son was throwing tantrums, hitting siblings, then being taken out shopping only to come back and throw more tantrums and refuse to do chores.

If anything people here are being way too easy on her because she’s a teen girl

TheaBrandt · 11/02/2023 12:54

We have always been hardcore about how we are treated. Since they were tiny we wouldn’t tolerate rudeness / talking back I used to be shocked at how my friends let their primary age dc speak to them. . So our teens now don’t. They can be maddening messy etc but would never speak to us rudely to our faces like that. That’s the hard line.

GreyCarpet · 11/02/2023 13:01

Mine's 16. I hear you.

She refuses to go anywhere with me and then complains that she never goes anywhere with me. I make suggestions. Naturally, they're all boring and shit. I ask her for suggestions and she doesn't have any.

Last weekend, I picked her up from somewhere and we'd already agreed we would pop into somewhere on the way back for something to eat and to watch a band. She was up for it only when we got there, she refused to get out of the car. Not because she was tired or any valid reason - she'd just changed her mind. It's a control thing. Her dad was (still is) similar.

So I left her in the car on the other side of the road (it's a nice residential area) and went on my own 🤷🏻‍♀️

ReneBumsWombats · 11/02/2023 13:03

Where is it coming from?

I'm not excusing it, nor making any accusations. But if you asked her what's causing her to behave like this, what would she say?

It still might be entirely unjustified but it'll inform what action you should take about it. It's often assumed that teenagers are just being teenagers and have no right or reason to be acting a certain way, but this isn't always the case.

Babyroobs · 11/02/2023 13:03

Mine is 17 and after having 3 boys I find her really challenging. It's not helped by dh acting like her best friend and pandering to her. She won't get up in the mornings, doesn't go to sixth form half the time, we have to now drop her at school. Had a screaming match with her yesterday morning as she constantly makes dh late for work.

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/02/2023 13:11

Give up expecting to like it. It’s the battlefield years. Approach her as you would a difficult colleague. She hates you too but she can’t help it and will come out the other side.

Be really tough on the poor behaviour - hitting siblings, not helping at all. Her brain is scrambled so don’t bother appealing to her better nature - just carrot and stick. She gets her allowance if she does the basics. And looses privileges like lifts if she doesn’t.

Make her also do the basics like coming down to dinner. But don’t expect much conversation in a big family group. Don’t take her to visit boring and distant relatives when you can help it, apply bribery where you can’t. Leave her to it in her bedroom a lot of the time.

Do schedule one to one time where you can - she enjoys it as you say.

Toughen up, be selectively tougher on her. Remember it will pass.

waterrat · 11/02/2023 13:12

Does she get much independence? I know that my 11 year old craves this so much - we live somewhere where it is safe enough for him to go to park with friends and if he doesn't get that time ofbeing out with friends he is a right grump -

Some children need/ crave this more than others -

As a society - I think we should question why teenagers are so horrible nowadays (and lets face it they probably are more unpleasant now under the newer liberal parenting) - I don't think strictness is the answer - I think getting a chance to actually get away from adult oversight, be free with friends, grow up and grow apart is what is needed

What are weekends like in terms of seeing mates/ getting out to town - I don't think the answer is either strictness/ total liberally fluffy approach of endless treats - I think it's ensuring she can begin to develop some independence.

waterrat · 11/02/2023 13:14

And teen girls have not always spent 24/ 7 with family as a lot do now - either school, where they are monitored, corrected, judged by adults all day - then home where - same. Now - we have to correct their behaviour but where is the time they get with peers?

And if you want to compare teen behaviour with other 'ages' in time - please dont just do it to 20 years ago! Humans evolved to be hunter gatherers - our brains were not designed for the way we live now - and teen behaviour is I believe an example of this.

2crossedout1 · 11/02/2023 13:17

I have a 15 DD and I recommend Lisa Damour's book called Untangled. I found it really balanced and helpful.

Rollinghill · 11/02/2023 13:18

Lorraine Candy's book is good on this

3LittleFishes · 11/02/2023 13:19

Absolutely no way would I be taking anyone that behaved like that in my home out shopping and for dinner.
Yes, rewarding good behaviour is fine but you have rewarded her for hitting her siblings and treating you like dirt.
She has no reason to behave better.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 11/02/2023 13:22

Oh the zero tolerance crew are out. It’s luck, it’s pure luck whether you get a moody teen a rude teen or a happy one, sorry to burst the perfect parenting bubble.

ReneBumsWombats · 11/02/2023 13:24

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 11/02/2023 13:22

Oh the zero tolerance crew are out. It’s luck, it’s pure luck whether you get a moody teen a rude teen or a happy one, sorry to burst the perfect parenting bubble.

You can't control a person's natural temperament, but the environment in which they grow up will have a lot of influence.

Again, I'm not making any accusations or assumptions about anyone. But I know for sure that my teenage years, and those of my peers, were hugely influenced by the home environment we were made to live in. Good and bad.

peasandquiets · 11/02/2023 13:28

MsAnnThropic · 11/02/2023 10:11

@ElizaGumpyLeg I think you're probably right. I have removed her phone from her today, and sent her up to her room. I have read her the riot act about how her behavior affects others. She just really doesn't seem to care though.

@Piscesmumma1978 I'm so sorry to hear you're going through it too. It's so tough isn't it!? Was your older teen like this when she was younger? My DD has always been quite highly strung, so am wondering if this is normal, or just a her thing. It's just so horrible and exhausting isn't it.

What if it's not an issue of not caring, and more not being able to? The brain goes through so many changes in the teenage years - I haven't read up on it fully yet as my DC are small still but I believe the hormonal changes are so strong that it might just be really hard for her to control her moods. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you, especially as you're also sleep deprived from your youngest, but I'd try to find a bit of understanding for her and do my best to create moments of connection. I'm sure she really appreciated and valued your shopping trip together - she just wasn't able to show it or miraculously overcome her hormones as a result.

MissWings · 11/02/2023 13:29

@ElizaGumpyLeg

TOTALLY AGREE. Already stamping this shit out with my 11 year old DD (she’s developing quickly and going through puberty) so she gets kindness and the benefit of the doubt but she can fuck the fuck off if she thinks she’s going to rule my house with a horrible atmosphere/shitty attitude. Husband is on the same page. I guess god loves a trier.

OP don’t feel guilty because she’s gone out.