Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How do you train yourself to truly not care what others think of you?

108 replies

LoveMAFS · 09/02/2023 08:41

I want to be able to do this, truly not care what others think of me. I've had two subtle comments said to me recently:

'You a single mother n all'...
'You must rattle around in that house'

I was shocked at the single mother comment. Despite being separated, my ex is excellent with the dc, fully involved and never stints on child expenses. It felt like they were infering my dc don't have a dad, but they do. I was also shocked to hear the 2nd comment, that someone would have an opinion on me living in my house. (they live in an identical one, just with their whole family).

I want to totally change how this affects me because I hate feeling judged and I guess people are never going to stop judging. How do you do it?

OP posts:
Fedupofdiets · 09/02/2023 08:46

I wish I knew op. Some women say it happens as you get older but I'm 45 and still waiting. I'll follow along with you!

pzyck · 09/02/2023 08:47

It's a complex answer to go deep on, but the simple version is that you have to work on the relationship you have with yourself. Once you truly understand (which most people don't) and accept who you are, other people's opinions become something you can discern between being an opportunity to learn from, or just being completely irrelevant.

It's a long, but very rewarding/fulfilling journey.

frozendaisy · 09/02/2023 08:50

Sounds like a their problem why make it yours?

If it was at a school gate just breathe and remember the only reason you are there is to pick up your babies.

Take a few deep breaths feel the ground beneath your feet and accept there is nothing you can do about other's judgement just your reaction.

Who cares what another thinks. Your kids live in a loving home with an involved dad. Does anything else really matter?

Iwantabloodypizza · 09/02/2023 08:51

I’m really self absorbed.

I find it really hard to have an opinion on anyone else, I just don’t care. So i expect other people are the same if you see what I mean.

And if they do have an option on me, what can I do about that? Nothing, so I don’t let it get to me. Unless it’s racism. I’ve had that. But I just cut them out.

DRS1970 · 09/02/2023 08:52

I don't care... 😁

Overthebloodymoon · 09/02/2023 08:52

An opinion is exactly that - an opinion. Someone else’s opinion does not trump your opinion of yourself. If you’re happy with how you behave, ignore anyone else. Simply not worth the headspace!

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 09/02/2023 08:53

Differentiate opinion from fact.

Opinions are other people's projections, insecurities, their subjective brainfart

Thisbastardcomputer · 09/02/2023 08:54

Myself and my three siblings were brought up by a Mother who had four children because the Queen had, she cared greatly about what people thought and mentioned it every single time we left the house, wanting us to get changed into more suitable clothing etc.

What she managed to accomplish, was four children who have never given a single fuck.

She was much better when Alzheimer's took hold, she couldn't remember who the people were she was trying to impress.

To overcome being bothered you probably need to start early, as we did.

VenusClapTrap · 09/02/2023 08:56

Just think about why they’re saying things like that. What is their motivation? It’s usually coming from a desire to make themselves feel better about themselves by undermining you. Why do they need to do that? Are they insecure? Unhappy with their own lives? Nice people don’t make digs like that - it says more about them than it does about you. When you can see the psychology at play and turn the focus back onto them, it makes it easier for such comments to be water off a duck’s back.

Bosk · 09/02/2023 08:56

I live in my own head. I barely notice other people, let alone give a shit about their absurd opinions.

I've no advice for you in afraid op. I was born this way. Maybe try to be less...nice?

IsThereAPenOfIt · 09/02/2023 08:56

Have a solid few people whose opinions you do respect, then fuck everyone else

pizzaHeart · 09/02/2023 08:56

I’m following with the great interest. I’m even a bit older then @Fedupofdiets and hasn’t found the answer yet. I became a bit more ignorant last 5 years since I’ve started reading MN and went into peri menopause stage but not for all topics. Some topics are still very raw and sensitive and even slightest comment makes me upset. My sister said something the other day over phone, in a way it’s not malicious just ignorant and stupid but I was crying the whole evening.
I suspect you are coping with comments better if you have confidence and feel more secure in life. I don’t have either.

HerrenaHarridan · 09/02/2023 08:57

For me it was a combination of losing all my hair and raising a child with a disability who is on a different trajectory to their peers

People stare and point, make loud comments and even come up to me to share their cancer stories (that’s not why I lose my hair) at some point you really have to just give less fucks what randoms think and go about your day

Sure I could wear a wig and feel constantly uncomfortable or I can just learn to shake it off and make sure my daughter sees that and doesn’t let inconsiderate muppets dent her confidence

KangarooKenny · 09/02/2023 08:58

It comes with age, wait until you hit peri menopause and see how many fucks you give then 🤣🤣🤣

Flowersintheattic57 · 09/02/2023 08:59

Someone on another thread said she views other peoples judgments like dogs barking. When she passes a barking dog she doesn’t like it, cos it’s a nuisance but she has no feelings about it. So she imagines judgy comments like barking dogs and it stops it penetrating.
I’ve it tried with my younger sister who is apt to try and guilt me into doing what she wants and now I just visualise a little yapping dog when she’s having a go and its really helped!

WooWooWinnie · 09/02/2023 08:59

I think it’s to do with self-confidence. If you’re happy with yourself, others opinions of you don’t matter as much.

Onepercent · 09/02/2023 09:00

If I’m completely happy with my choices and decisions and I’m not a judgemental arsehole, I don’t care what anyone else says because I know I’m happy.

Eg you being a single mum or having a large home or living alone in that home aren’t negatives, so you’d have to be a judgemental arsehole to make negative comments on those things.

Also remember you will NEVER EVER EVER please everyone, make sure you’re pleasing yourself and then there’s always someone who is happy and it’s you.

Bosk · 09/02/2023 09:00

My sister said something the other day over phone, in a way it’s not malicious just ignorant and stupid but I was crying the whole evening.

@pizzaHeart have you tried kickboxing? Seriously. Your crying is probably just suppressed anger. Let it out!

WandaWonder · 09/02/2023 09:02

I can't say my parents ever sat me down and went 'now you shouldn't care what others think' but I learnt from them unless you are being rude or hurting someone or doing actually something wrong/illegal then what other people think of you doesn't matter

So I am just like that, if I am not in the wrong then it is their problem not mine if they have an issue, it is not a big deal really

Dogsarebetterthanhumans · 09/02/2023 09:06

It comes with age. Early 20’s, totally cared what people thought of me. Late 30’s, zero f**ks given. Xx

crackofdoom · 09/02/2023 09:06

I would imagine that the people driven to make comments like that would be a) in an unhappy relationship they can't escape from; b) jealous of all the space you have. Even if it's not true, it will make you feel better 😆

The single mother thing is especially difficult because society is laced with judgement and contempt of us. It comes from all sides. I think you have to dig deep and unpick where it comes from. Just WHY are single mums looked down on so much, when we are holding half the world up? My opinion is that a) seeing single mothers as feckless, promiscuous objects of pity (and yes I see it on MN too- the "It's all your fault necause you picked such a loser to have babies with" brigade can FOTTFSOFATFOSM) reinforces women staying in relationships with shit men because They Don't Want To End Up Like That. Which is of immense benefit to the shit men, isn't it 🙄.
and b) if you paint single mothers as feckless, promiscuous, etc etc, then it's easier to get the general public behind taking away any state support we might need. Which is of immense benefit to the government.

(Phew, rant)

Galadriel90 · 09/02/2023 09:08

But you are a single mother Op. it seems the problem stems from you having a issue with this? There's nothing wrong with being a single mum. I don't see the problem with the first comment or the second tbh.

KangarooKenny · 09/02/2023 09:10

I don’t see a problem with single mum’s. It’s what I’d do if I had my time again.
I think this person who said it has the problem, not you .

Malariahilaria · 09/02/2023 09:12

Pp said it about having a different child. My autistic son has driven me nearly mad but the silver lining is firstly he constantly questions why we are making him do things eg eat at certain set times, dress a certain way, make chit chat and it makes me realise how much of what we do is to due to some weird nonsensical set of social rules. Women are conditioned to make polite chit chat at the school gates. I did with eldest and there were all kinds of cliques, now with autistic one i just march in, hand him to his 121 and leave, no eye contact no bother.

Secondly whilst he's having melt downs or flapping and loudly stimming it was at first embarrassing but after years of it I really just don't care, he is what he is. If anyone comments I have an amazing Paddington bear stare whilst saying nothing, people soon move on.

Went slightly off tangent OP but what I'm trying to say is these people are all irrelevant and if they don't make you feel good, ignore them.

Love the yapping dog analogy 😄

middleager · 09/02/2023 09:14

KangarooKenny · 09/02/2023 08:58

It comes with age, wait until you hit peri menopause and see how many fucks you give then 🤣🤣🤣

I have not found this. I'm 50, peri, and still waiting....

Swipe left for the next trending thread