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Original poster

How do you train yourself to truly not care what others think of you?

108 replies

LoveMAFS · 09/02/2023 08:41

I want to be able to do this, truly not care what others think of me. I've had two subtle comments said to me recently:

'You a single mother n all'...
'You must rattle around in that house'

I was shocked at the single mother comment. Despite being separated, my ex is excellent with the dc, fully involved and never stints on child expenses. It felt like they were infering my dc don't have a dad, but they do. I was also shocked to hear the 2nd comment, that someone would have an opinion on me living in my house. (they live in an identical one, just with their whole family).

I want to totally change how this affects me because I hate feeling judged and I guess people are never going to stop judging. How do you do it?

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 09/02/2023 11:51

KangarooKenny · 09/02/2023 08:58

It comes with age, wait until you hit peri menopause and see how many fucks you give then 🤣🤣🤣

^ This

I couldn’t give a toss anymore, like me, hate me- I don’t care.

LoraPiano · 09/02/2023 11:53

It's not other peoples' opinions that bother you. You have that same opinion, even if you are not admitting it to yourself. It's what you think about yourself and your perceived shortcomings that matters.

Mysticguru · 09/02/2023 12:01

The person being judged doesn't exist. Therefore the comments affect no-one

EmilyDickinson · 09/02/2023 12:18

I find this quote from the tv series Mum helpful:

I’ve sort of found from dealing with my mum, that if someone’s mean or rude or insensitive, or if they spend all their time boasting or putting people down, it’s just their way of coping with how sad they are.

Yb23487643 · 09/02/2023 15:39

Perspective. When you have really bad things to deal with, like people dying or being ill etc, there’s no time to give a hoot about other people being mean.
Also just don’t hang out with people who speak to you like that or make you feel like that.
You don’t owe anyone your company

Yb23487643 · 09/02/2023 15:40

Just to add those people who try to bring you down are likely jealous of some aspect of you and are bitter.
I would take a comment like that as proof that you are indeed better than them as they’ve just lowered themselves so much x

GiltEdges · 09/02/2023 15:41

I agree with a PP, that a lot is probably down to self absorption. I’m not sure it’s something you can train yourself to do/be, it’s just how some people are:m. Sure, in this example it has its upside, but self absorbed people still struggle in their own ways.

DoodleLally · 09/02/2023 15:49

I'm not sure it's a good thing to never care what people think of you. A family member is like that and they trample all over everyone else's feelings and cause general chaos wherever they go through lack of consideration to others. It's not a nice quality.

I'm trying to learn to care a bit less, but I would never want to truly lose all sense of caring. That would result in being a very selfish person in my opinion.

tattygrl · 09/02/2023 15:52

For me, it's an ongoing process of working on self love (there are myriad techniques, philosophies and approaches on this - delve in, try some out and see what feels right for you), and focusing on genuinely developing myself in areas that matter to me (health, skills, personal attributes I value), and also reminding myself what my own values are, reinforcing what my own personal beliefs and views of life and the world are, and consistently challenging my inner voice/narrative if and when it came up with self-doubting, self-critical or self-conscious stuff. It's a process and not linear, but you can start now and just keep going, and it just gets better and better.

There's really no limit to how nice life can feel as you keep working on self love and enjoying life on your own terms.

Dreamstate · 09/02/2023 15:52

DoodleLally · 09/02/2023 15:49

I'm not sure it's a good thing to never care what people think of you. A family member is like that and they trample all over everyone else's feelings and cause general chaos wherever they go through lack of consideration to others. It's not a nice quality.

I'm trying to learn to care a bit less, but I would never want to truly lose all sense of caring. That would result in being a very selfish person in my opinion.

But why should you even care a little bit what someone who isn't close you says. They can say it but its not going to impact me in the slightest bit and why should it.

CashierNumberSixPlease · 09/02/2023 15:58

I just realised 1 day that no matter what I did or how I did it, someone will say something negative about it, so what's the point in caring what others think?

shockedballoon · 09/02/2023 15:59

I think it's about knowing and accepting yourself firstly, then realising any comments that may be 'pointed' or maybe a bit snide generally come from a place of insecurity of the person doing the commenting.

Also, as my dad always used to say 'those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter'

DoodleLally · 09/02/2023 16:09

@Dreamstate OP didn't specify people who aren't close to her. The title is asking how to stop caring about the opinions of everyone, which suggests both close friends and family as well as strangers. I don't think society would function if people truly felt that way. If you remove any concern for the thoughts and feelings of other human beings then you end up living in anarchy. We all do things because we care about the feelings of others, this isn't inherently a bad thing. But too much concern can indeed be crippling which is why I'm making an effort to reduce the amount I pay attention to.

Again, I don't believe the people in this thread who say they don't care about the opinions of a single person in the world. This is hyperbole. They must care about the opinions of somebody in their life, whether it be a spouse or a best friend or their child. It's worth remembering that acting cold and hard and pretending you don't care about anyone in the world but yourself is actually an undesirable quality in a person.

user1498572889 · 09/02/2023 16:12

Once I hit about 40 the last fxxk I ever gave just seemed to fly away. Very liberating. 😃

CrystalCoco · 09/02/2023 16:13

pzyck · 09/02/2023 08:47

It's a complex answer to go deep on, but the simple version is that you have to work on the relationship you have with yourself. Once you truly understand (which most people don't) and accept who you are, other people's opinions become something you can discern between being an opportunity to learn from, or just being completely irrelevant.

It's a long, but very rewarding/fulfilling journey.

I love this answer and completely agree 👌

feellikeanalien · 09/02/2023 16:17

Now that my DD with SN has hit her teenage years and is so incredibly over sensitive I've had to start taking some of the advice I give to her about not letting people get to you.

I think when I was younger I always wanted to be liked so when someone said something negative it made me feel bad. It made me feel that I must have something wrong with me because they had said something nasty. Now I know that there are just some people who will never like you not because of anything you've done but just because you're not their kind of person. There are also some people who will never be my kind of person and I think realising that has made me understand that people are just different.

There are some people who just like to be nasty and I wouldn't say that I never get upset at anything someone says but I think the difference is now that I just think that they are not someone whose opinion means anything to me so I don't brood on it as I would have when I was younger.

smileladiesplease · 09/02/2023 16:21

Age! You just don't give a fuck as you get older

LosingMyPancakes · 09/02/2023 16:26

It isn't an age thing for me - I never give a shit and I'm not even 40 yet! But I guess my approach is quite difficult to follow - I'm pretty self-absorbed, with a very low opinion of most other people. So if someone tries to judge me, I fine their lack of awareness quite amusing!

But maybe it starts with figuring out why it bothers you and working on that? 💁

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/02/2023 16:26

CashierNumberSixPlease · 09/02/2023 15:58

I just realised 1 day that no matter what I did or how I did it, someone will say something negative about it, so what's the point in caring what others think?

Exactly this. You are always going to be too fat/too thin/too tall/too short/single when someone thinks you should be married/married when someone thinks you'd be better off splitting/living in a house too big for you/have too many kids/have just the one/don't even have kids/eat the wrong things/drink the wrong things...it's endless.

It's a reflection of them, OP, not you. Try and think of it as their internal dissatisfaction with something in their lives being projected onto you.

9outof10cats · 09/02/2023 16:26

Are people actually being judgemental, or are you being too 'sensitive', overthinking and reading too much into comments that are not meant in the manner you have interpreted them?

The first comment, 'You a single mother n all'... Whether this was offensive depends on the context in which it was said.

The second 'You must rattle around in that house'. In what way did it offend you?

HotDogsJumpingFrogsILoveTurkey · 09/02/2023 16:28

I think about when I judge people about something stupid, like the size of their house (we all judge). 99% of the time it is because I'm not happy about that issue in my life eg I wish I had a bigger house. Twist that around and it makes their comments, about them, not you.

Also, no-one cares really. They'll make a comment that they think is just a throw away remark (even if they are having a dig) and then forget about it, and you, and get on with their day. Seriously, everyone is so busy thinking/worrying about themselves and people close to them that they don't have the energy to give any mental space to you beyond that interaction.

Plus, I'm not sure the comment about the size of your house was anything other than a generic statement. So why would you give that any more thought? The single mother comment depends on the context.

Dreamstate · 09/02/2023 16:29

DoodleLally · 09/02/2023 16:09

@Dreamstate OP didn't specify people who aren't close to her. The title is asking how to stop caring about the opinions of everyone, which suggests both close friends and family as well as strangers. I don't think society would function if people truly felt that way. If you remove any concern for the thoughts and feelings of other human beings then you end up living in anarchy. We all do things because we care about the feelings of others, this isn't inherently a bad thing. But too much concern can indeed be crippling which is why I'm making an effort to reduce the amount I pay attention to.

Again, I don't believe the people in this thread who say they don't care about the opinions of a single person in the world. This is hyperbole. They must care about the opinions of somebody in their life, whether it be a spouse or a best friend or their child. It's worth remembering that acting cold and hard and pretending you don't care about anyone in the world but yourself is actually an undesirable quality in a person.

Actually her title doesn't say everyone, just says what others think...

Nor have I in my comments said to stop caring what everyone thinks, I said to not care what people who are not close to you say

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/02/2023 16:30

Again, I don't believe the people in this thread who say they don't care about the opinions of a single person in the world. This is hyperbole. They must care about the opinions of somebody in their life, whether it be a spouse or a best friend or their child. It's worth remembering that acting cold and hard and pretending you don't care about anyone in the world but yourself is actually an undesirable quality in a person

There are people's opinions I care about. I just consider if their opinion is going to influence me in what I want to do or am doing.

Randoms on the net or the media or who I meet day to day? nah. They're strangers who have no idea about me; what drives me or why I do or don't do something. They have as much right to an opinion about me as I have about them. Or to put it better, they have the right to that opinion and I have the right to ignore it. Cold hard woman that I am.

ThePersecuted · 09/02/2023 16:31

I’ve tried and tried and can’t do it anymore. I was emotionally abused by DM growing up and as an adult I’ve been subjected to bullying by professionals (a witch hunt almost) and read so much untrue unpleasant stuff written about me that I’m destroyed.

I know I shouldn’t care what people think but I’ve always tried to be a good person and I feel hated and bullied

Nagado · 09/02/2023 16:37

Partly because people make me laugh with how outrageously rude they can be, so it’s nice to be able to openly laugh at them and ask them how they get on being so rude/nosy.

But mostly because I’m not a big fan of other people unless they mean something to me and/or I respect them. So if someone I don’t know or don’t care about thinks I’m awful, it doesn’t matter. Their opinion is completely irrelevant to me. Why would I care what they think? It might as well be raining in Japan; it has no impact on my life whatsoever.