Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How do you train yourself to truly not care what others think of you?

108 replies

LoveMAFS · 09/02/2023 08:41

I want to be able to do this, truly not care what others think of me. I've had two subtle comments said to me recently:

'You a single mother n all'...
'You must rattle around in that house'

I was shocked at the single mother comment. Despite being separated, my ex is excellent with the dc, fully involved and never stints on child expenses. It felt like they were infering my dc don't have a dad, but they do. I was also shocked to hear the 2nd comment, that someone would have an opinion on me living in my house. (they live in an identical one, just with their whole family).

I want to totally change how this affects me because I hate feeling judged and I guess people are never going to stop judging. How do you do it?

OP posts:
Wantanytoastwiththat · 09/02/2023 16:52

For me it is age (52), menopause and I literally don't give a sh*t what people think. I have lots going on at home plus my life isn't very exciting. 😉

I used to think everyone was so lovely, i would help out anyone. We moved 13 years ago to an affluent area. (Hated it but not anymore) older DC started primary school. Thought, great. Nice to meet some friendly parents. I was new to the school/area and this other mother came over to me. Said hi, I am so and so parent. Do you think you need elocution lessons. She must of heard me chatting to my DD as she was nervous starting school. I didn't know what to say and from then on, I told myself never to care about other people and what they thought of me. She was rude, judgemental and arrogant. That was my opinion. Anyway😀

Tekkentime · 09/02/2023 16:52

ThePersecuted · 09/02/2023 16:31

I’ve tried and tried and can’t do it anymore. I was emotionally abused by DM growing up and as an adult I’ve been subjected to bullying by professionals (a witch hunt almost) and read so much untrue unpleasant stuff written about me that I’m destroyed.

I know I shouldn’t care what people think but I’ve always tried to be a good person and I feel hated and bullied

I know how you feel. The times in my life where i've been the most vulnerable have been when i've been bullied the most, like people could sense that I was struggling.

Sirius3030 · 09/02/2023 16:54

Do you remember the 'Sunscreen' song:

Don't waste your time on jealousy
Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind
The race is long and in the end, it's only with yourself
Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults
If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

BethDuttonsTwin · 09/02/2023 16:54

For me:-

An abusive relationship and getting him out. Thickest ever skin after that.
Children with additional needs and knowing if I didn’t advocate for them no one would.
Middle age and menopause.

ThePersecuted · 09/02/2023 16:56

Tekkentime · 09/02/2023 16:52

I know how you feel. The times in my life where i've been the most vulnerable have been when i've been bullied the most, like people could sense that I was struggling.

Show quote history

I do feel an easy target. It’s happened so much I think maybe I’m doing something and coming across wrong and people dislike me ?

trying atm to build myself back up after reading a SAR . Here’s a tip to anyone who worried what others think of them - don’t do a SAR!!! I cried reading mine I’m so embarrassed what professionals think of me

WinterFoxes · 09/02/2023 17:00

I got over it by turning the comment back on the speaker (in my mind) and thinking privately: 'Hmm, what do I think of you for making a comment like that? I'm not sure I think too highly of you. Not sure I want to spend much time with someone who hasn't grown out of trying to belittle others. Bit childish. Think I'll move on and do something more interesting than stay chatting to this one.'

Having strong, clear standards by which you rate who you choose to hang out with, admire, like and respect is deeply empowering. You get to judge them rather than vice versa and you start making very quick judgement calls as to who you want around you. The pool of friends shrinks rapidly but hold your nerve because eventually you end up with a few who you rate and who know to treat you with respect, or who woukld anyway because that's who they are.

Nagado · 09/02/2023 17:03

I was new to the school/area and this other mother came over to me. Said hi, I am so and so parent. Do you think you need elocution lessons. She must of heard me chatting to my DD as she was nervous starting school

@Wantanytoastwiththat How did that not make you belly laugh and ask her whether it was so you could tell her to go fuck herself in a posh accent?

WinterFoxes · 09/02/2023 17:04

The other thing I did, (because it's quite tiring constantly judging people) is to decide whose opinion matters to me (a tiny number of people it turns out. Not many more than DH, DC , siblings and about two friends). Then let any other comments roll off you like water off a duck's feathers. Because only the special few matter. Anyone else can say what they like. They are not on your radar when it comes to caring what they think.

People soon realise you don;t give a stuff about their opinion. It usually makes them bumble off to try and goad someone else or they become really sweet and overly civil and try to win your approval. either way, they stop making digs.

You know you never have to reply or defend yourself? Just leave the bitchy remark hanging. Let a nice pause grow and then change the subject.

Hillrunning · 09/02/2023 17:04

See I just consider both of thoes to be facts so what is there to be upset about. But then I take people at their word rather than assume a huge amount of subtext. If you are a the primary carer for the children you are a single parent. (At a stretch, they person may have been having a dig at the dad, but not at you) As for the second comment, I really really can't see how you interpreted that as negative.

My husband and I live in a house that most people think too big for just us too. We often get comments about it. They comments have never upset me because I don't believe they are intended in an unkind way.

Hillrunning · 09/02/2023 17:08

I'm not sure I explained well. I mean, I don't get upset by others easily because I don't make assumptions about what they may have mean. In you OP you say that you felt they were trying to say or suggest something different to the actual words they meant. So how about start there? Start, or rather stop, reading into what people say.

Safeworkspace · 09/02/2023 17:10

ThePersecuted · 09/02/2023 16:56

I do feel an easy target. It’s happened so much I think maybe I’m doing something and coming across wrong and people dislike me ?

trying atm to build myself back up after reading a SAR . Here’s a tip to anyone who worried what others think of them - don’t do a SAR!!! I cried reading mine I’m so embarrassed what professionals think of me

Show quote history

What's a SAR in this context please?

Devonhousehunter · 09/02/2023 17:12

Opinions and gossip are the lowest form of human knowledge.

Remember that, pity them and move on x

(And I need to listen to my own advice 🤣)

Zippedydoo123 · 09/02/2023 17:12

I think it is very easy to feel hypersensitive about comments ref single parenting.

I have raised my 17 year old alone all these years albeit limited input from his dad. Some people do not think before they speak though.

An old fashioned cousin told me off one year for not having been married off with somebody new!

Other than that the menopause is great for us knowing our limits and staying away from stress as much as possible.

Some of you will have it all to look forward to. Sympathies to those with toxic upbringings though. Respect where it is due.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 09/02/2023 17:14

I’ve realised over the years that when people say something snarky, it usually relates to something wrong in their lives.

I don’t keep up contact with anyone who irritates me over and over any longer either. This makes a massive difference. Life is too short for toxic friends.

I don’t care what people I don’t care about, think.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 09/02/2023 17:15

I moved to Denmark. I had been there for 5 years and started training as as SW. Danes are v v quiet, reserved and tame. I am not. I was trying SO HARD to rein myself in, try and be more Danish. So desperate to make just one friend. Despite my best efforts one of the other students said omg strictly you're so weird. And that was the moment I stopped giving a fuck about what people thought of me and embraced my weirdness. I was 32.

ThePersecuted · 09/02/2023 17:16

Safeworkspace · 09/02/2023 17:10

What's a SAR in this context please?

Show quote history

Subject access request. I was meeting huge resistance getting support for dd at school plus threats for fines etc for medical reasons so I did a SAR ….

Basically was a documented bitchfest about how weird everyone thinks I am , how they think I’m making symptoms up, how the threats for fines and court were being used to ‘motivate’ me to change - they knew there was no legal basis fining for illness or hosp appts but wanted to see if I changed my behaviour when threatened to back up their theory. They made notes about my appearance on set days and if I looked ‘flustered’ or ‘dishevelled’ (I did one day as it poured and I’d got soaked yet it was put down as some kind of issue to then allow them to discuss what might my home be like.
They thought I’d conditioned my dd to take on a ‘sick role’ so that I felt useful in the community as not in employment and educational status low

I cried for a whole day after reading it.

notangelinajolie · 09/02/2023 17:24

I genuinely don’t even think about what others think of me. It never crosses my my mind. It’s not that I don’t care or mind - I’m just not an over thinker. I just do me and as long as my DH and kids are all safe and well, then other peoples opinions don’t really come into it.
They can think all they like, which they are perfectly entitled to do - it makes no difference to me.
Perhaps it’s because I don’t think anyone else would be all that interested in me. I’m pretty boring tbh 😋 I’m sure most people have much better things to do.

Wantanytoastwiththat · 09/02/2023 17:30

@Nagado 😂😂
I think back and smile. At the time, I was just taken aback.

BeachBlondey · 09/02/2023 17:42

Definitely comes with age. I'm 53 and don't care half as much as I used to.

CryInToYourCornflakesNicola · 09/02/2023 17:44

Again, I don't believe the people in this thread who say they don't care about the opinions of a single person in the world. This is hyperbole. They must care about the opinions of somebody in their life, whether it be a spouse or a best friend or their child. It's worth remembering that acting cold and hard and pretending you don't care about anyone in the world but yourself is actually
an undesirable quality in a person

Possibly we are on a different level here. I understand not caring what others think to be as in OP someone mentioned my being a single parent, my internal response would be and? So what, I cannot or dont want to change that.
Or I rattle around my house, internally again, and? So what, I bought a house I was happy with. <<<both if these have been said to me before, plus other similar stuff. Externally I shrug.

On another level is do not steal, murder, drink and drive for examples, if I did any of these things, I would feel terrible about myself, I wouldnt need others to give an opinion about it.

I'm certain my children could and do have opinions about me, they are welcome to share but I would not necessarily alter what I do because of those opinions.

I dont think I'm cold and hard, granted I'm not mother Theresa either, theres a middle ground. I'm also not interested in myself, but I'm not interested in others either.

I dont have close friends, I dont want any, I've had some previously and it's not all its cracked up to be. And my partner, well he seems to like me just fine, and he doesnt judge anyone, or make comments like OP has had to me or anyone. So I guess we are similar.

motherofkevinnotperry · 09/02/2023 17:46

I don't care......it's come with age and self confidence. I do care what people I love think but that's because I've cleared out the toxic people and chose to live my life for me and the people Iove. Everyone else can think what they want. I'm not bothered by any of them

motherofkevinnotperry · 09/02/2023 17:46

I'm 45 btw

MushMonster · 09/02/2023 17:49

It just comes to you with age.
You start seeing that comments like these, with a smug attitude added, show insecurity in the speaker, nothing to do with you. It is their problem and you do not make it yours.

FenghuangHoyan · 09/02/2023 17:49

Best way I've found is to get old. I care a hell of a lot less about other people's opinions now.

Aside from that, no social media and very few friends seems to do the trick. I'm also likely to say something in return.

QueefQueen80s · 09/02/2023 18:05

Mine has happened since hitting 35 and have been a mum for nearly 10 years. Being in a job I love. I just DGAF now what anyone thinks, but care about people so much more.