How do you train yourself to truly not care what others think of you?

[LoveMAFS]

I want to be able to do this, truly not care what others think of me. I've had two subtle comments said to me recently:

'You a single mother n all'...
'You must rattle around in that house'

I was shocked at the single mother comment. Despite being separated, my ex is excellent with the dc, fully involved and never stints on child expenses. It felt like they were infering my dc don't have a dad, but they do. I was also shocked to hear the 2nd comment, that someone would have an opinion on me living in my house. (they live in an identical one, just with their whole family).

I want to totally change how this affects me because I hate feeling judged and I guess people are never going to stop judging. How do you do it?

Because when someone who I am not close to says something, my auto thought is how sad and pathetic that you have to make a dig to make yourself feel better.

I'm confused as to why this bothers you. You are a single mother, you live in that house. And?

I’m a slowly reforming people pleaser. Most if it was down to depression and low self esteem which I started treatment for last year. I’m nearly 35 and more often than not now I think other people are the rude/odd ones and I will challenge them (subtlety). They soon start pedalling back because they’ve been caught out. Key to it was feeling better about myself and then their comments no longer confirmed what I feared might be true because I didn’t have s low opinion of myself anymore.

CBT, anti deps and choosing to adopt a ‘fuck it’ attitude has helped enormously. Sometimes I still have to give my head a wobble and think ‘who do you think you think are, you’re no better than me’ and stick to that mantra.

I agree, hate it when people say you don't care with age, I don't think you suddenly become a different person

If I detect any negativity from other people I ignore/ghost them, don't make conversation and they're dead to me.

Life's too short to care what others think of you if you've done your best to be kind and friendly.

The way not to care is to work on your own judgementalness. Both those comments were factual, they only sting because you judge others for being single parents or having a home bigger than they strictly need.

I second what @Bosk said - I now go training/boxing twice a week and find it helps hugely with my anger at the decades of sexual harassment and discrimination at work that I've faced (I'm 59). It seems I've kept a lot in over the years, and like so many of us, was conditioned to accept the importance of other people's (mainly men, of course) opinions. I breathe more easily afterwards. The impact on my life has been huge - I just feel like I'm finally the real me.

Don't let other people, even well meaning people like your Dsis, distract you from who you are. You're an intelligent woman, who has thought things through and developed your own valid opinion. The sentence "I don't agree with you" is fine to use at any point. You don't have to agree with anyone else's opinion.

I think @Bosk is right - the crying is anger coming out. Give the boxing a go if you can fit it in with your schedule, and feel the confidence it will give you to own who you are, own your life, your choices.

Same here, I have never cared much about other people’s opinions of me and I care even less as I get older. No idea how I do it though
I did read once that if you dont value someone’s advice you shouldn’t value their opinion either.

I’m very sensitive to other people’s comments and opinions on me. I’m over 60 and have been like it all my life so I can’t help you to change your nature no more than I’ve been able to change mine. I think I get frustrated that people misunderstand me. Comments are made based on assumptions a lot of the time and I do believe jealousy of other people and personal bitterness play a part so try to think of it like that x

I only care about the opinions of people I respect and look up to.

When someone makes a snide comment ask yourself the following:

Do I want to be like you?
Do I want to have a life like yours?

I read many years ago that other people can’t make you sad or happy with their words, it how we choose to react to them that does this.

So the person that says you are a single mum. You could choose to think, yes I am and I am fucking marvellous. I actually think single mums are heroes. Everytime I hear the term single mum, and especially teenage single mum, I think yes and that’s because the other parent has buggered off. So being called a single mum would not have bothered me personally.

Or that you are rattling around in your own house. You could choose to think how lucky I am to have room, and that other person is jealous. I don’t know why having a big house to rattle around in (she obviously forgot about your children) could be considered bad.

Obviously it doesn’t work all the time, and I think a lot of it comes down to how much you generally like to conform to social norms. How much do you like to ‘fit in’ with others.

I think that people who feel like outsiders often care less. They’re used to not fitting in with other people views.

And lastly, remember this. Some people have to put others down before they can feel good about themselves.

It’s one of the great advantages of getting old (or older). I probably stopped giving a toss at 35 ish - many years ago now.

Not quite the same thing, but if someone you’re with is making you feel uncomfortable or inferior (especially if it’s apparently deliberate) a tip from my DM was to act as if quite unconcerned and shift your gaze to just the top of their head. It makes them feel uncomfortable, as if there’s something wrong, as they’ve got a twig or something caught in their hair. The very faintest little smile helps, too!

Nah it's a personality thing.
From a very young age I've never given a fuck what others think of me.

It's not confidence cos I had none as a youngster.

For me, I think the hardest part is that i've never felt that I harshly judge others, that I prefer to see the best in people and for us all to get along. So it really annoys/upsets me how many people like to bully and 'other' people over such silly things.

The thing that helps me is that i've always been quite stubborn and won't put up with it and secondly, just having people who love me makes me care far less.

I genuinely don't give a shit what random people ( colleagues, school parents etc) think of me! I don't understand why I would care? Their opinions of me and my life are irrelevant to me. However i care deeply what friends and family think of me, not superficially as in how tidy my house is or what car i drive but that they think im a good decent person.

Yes I agree with this. I think it must be innate. I’ve always had an instinct to rebel. So when it comes to social norms like ‘women are nice and grow up to have babies and get married’ (for example) instead of thinking right that’s what I should do otherwise I’ll be judged, my instinct is to say, but why? Why is that path so heavily pushed on girls from a young age? Why do people attach a higher moral standing to that life path?

I also have an innate desire not to be the same as everyone else. Even at school where I barely had any friends and wore weird clothes and got teased, it hurt of course but it didn’t make me want to change myself. I did go through a period as a teen where I desperately wanted to be liked, but by my mid 20s I realised that it was a waste of effort to try and appease nasty people who weren’t my friends anyway and it didn’t make me happy. I guess my instincts to question and rebel and have my authentic self seen and heard are stronger than any desire to fit in and have people like me. I just prioritise myself and doing what makes me happy, because as long as I’m happy with my life then what other people think of it doesn’t matter.

I’ve had severe depression and other MH issues along the way and lots of therapy which has helped, but I do think even at my worst times it was just an innate sense of wanting to be true to myself.

I’ve asked myself this many times because some things people have said have really hurt my feelings. Evolution psychology states we are tribal creatures…we are wired for connection for survival so perceived rejection can literally hurt.

I went through a long phase of giving zero f….At the time I was very focused on my own life and had built up some self confidence over time. Unfortunately my nearest and dearest didn’t take to kindly to this and started piling on the criticisms. It was so hurtful I’m dismayed to say that it brought me down badly, which may have been the point.

But what does that say about people who judge? It’s a catch 22 that the more independent and confident you are, not caring what others think, the more susceptible you are to being criticised. It says more about the person judging than anything about you. Would I waste my time talking about or criticising other people? Would you? ….No. So reflect on that. This is where I’m at.

I did group therapy last year and what came out of that (I am suffering from depression) is that I have absorbed the negative things people have said about me. It’s as though (momentarily or for longer) we see ourselves through the eyes of the person judging. So the real question is, how to avoid this happening? Reflecting on the times I didn’t care, I had things in my life that acted as a buffer, things that made me feel really good. Just one example: I was physically fit and felt great about myself.
Take some time to reflect…

I don't even know if it is about a desire to fit in or about being a rebel. Or that people who don't care are somehow more genuine.

I was different at school, I never fitted in, dressed differently, still do, was frequently in trouble.

I don't necessarily conform to societal expectations.

But I care, not what they think of my clothes or white hair, but of what I say in meetings, what others say to me etc. Doesn't mean I don't say no or go with the flow always, but after a refusal or honest reactions/opinions I worry lots and I hate any confrontation. For me, it's an anxiety thing.

My mother is 77 and still cares too - she dresses like Vivienne Westwood, so ia certainly not a conformist.

A few years ago a person whose (justified) self esteem I admire hugely, and who is invariably kind & supportive to me told me she lives by
"dont take criticism from someone you wouldn't take advice from".
As I embraced this idea I gradually found the joy of not giving a fuck what 98% of people 'probably' thought of me! I love her!

This x100000

I get over this stuff a lot more easily than I did. I try to remember, ‘their words are their’s to carry. I won’t carry them’

If I reflect and feel I have handled myself as well as I can in a situation, that’s enough for me. I don’t need to carry another’s opinion then.

Even at school where I barely had any friends and wore weird clothes and got teased, it hurt of course but it didn’t make me want to change myself

Same, I was bullied horribly for a few years, not because of my weird clothes but similar stuff and I was weird and I was different, yes it hurt quite a lot at the time, but not because I would change my appearance, that wasnt possible, but I wouldn't if I could. <Longest sentence I ever wrote.

I had few friends then and now. I do find too many people want to judge others. I cant stand that. I dont want to judge others because why would I. I am very unconventional in many ways (or autistic) and so I sort of shrug off comments, I feel if they are talking about me they are leaving other people alone who wouldnt take it well.

I cant even say I want to be my authentic self, I'm not made that way. I just go about my life wearing things that make me feel ok, saying whatever comes into my head ok things, nothing really nasty, nothing really out there but nothing insincere either. I think I just like myself, feel no need to fit in.

Anyway after all those words, I just dont care about other peoples opinions. And I think I was born that way.

You have to stop & think about what they said & 99% of the time you'll find it was a load of nonsense.

So you are a single parent.
And?

It's not like you are the only single parent in the UK & there is some rarity value to it.

So your house is bigger than somebody else thinks you need.
And?
There is no law that says you have to live in x square metres of space per person.
That sounds more like envy that you have 'extra' space.
Not worth a seconds thought.

The person who said whatever, might think it's a negative, but unless you do too, then it's about as relevant as telling you the sun is behind a cloud or they ate a cheese sandwich earlier.

Same with pretty much everything else.
Usually, when you ask yourself "and?", you won't find a point worth thinking about.

The people 'judging' you (& half the time they aren't even thinking that far, just parroting something they heard somewhere else while they are busy thinking about what they want to say) don't know you, or everything about you.

If you are satisfied in yourself that you are doing the right thing (by your definition of right) then other peoples opinion is likely to be irrelevant.

However, if 5 people tell you the exact same thing, it's worth stopping & checking if it's just a common misconception (e.g. single parent = bad), or if they might be onto something.

Oh OP, I'm sorry to read how these thoughtless comments land for you. It sounds like they hit a soft spot?

Caring less sounds reasonable enough, but it's not always easy to achieve.

Here's how I cope: none of us knows that much, and certainly nobody is the Arbiter Of All Things.

Luckily, as there isn't an AOAT (phew), I can afford to be curious about what it is about certain exchanges that cause me anxiety.

When you bear in mind that all of us are limited by the lens of our own experiences and perspectives, you soon appreciate that another's opinion is just that - equally formed by a narrow lens of personal experience and insecurities and other stuff.

Sometimes, someone's comments might hit home, and that gets interesting because there might be, in us, unconscious (or concious) thoughts we are wrestling with. I consider this a learning opportunity.

Whenever I feel hurt by another's comments these days, I tend to look inwards and ask why am I feeling the way I do? Why does this persons opinion matter to me? What does it speak to in me?

If you can hold your sense of self (identity if you prefer) lightly, it's much easier to do this kind of internal MOT.

All best.

I’m too peri menopausal to care.

I probably used to but now it’s like what oh right ok you were saying..

Not that it happens often