please tell me all the reasons not to have a fourth child

[vanvanvroom]

I really thought I'd feel finally done and family complete with a third child. But I am already yearning for one more, something I never ever thought I'd want. I really want to feel done with three, please talk some sense into me about why I shouldn't have one more... I am worried I will NEVER feel done and would have a fourth and still feel like this. Maybe that in itself is a reason to call it quits at three? It doesn't help that I've found a third nothing but a pleasure and not hard at all so far!

This is so rude. You think revising for exams in the bathroom is OK or normal?? This poster has many legitimate issues that you've dismissed as "odd things". I hope you have a bit more emotional intelligence and empathy with yiur own children. Smh.

@ApplePippa I agree with @4thonthe4th.

I think your experience may have less to do with your parents' choice to have 4 and more to do with their choice not to parent you as individuals and not to celebrate all your individual achievements. :(

This seems so cruel. Why even have kids if you don't have enough bedrooms! 😒

the planet

Seriously?!! Should the only people allowed to have four children be those with five bedroom houses then.

I don't think it is cruel to make children share a bedroom. I had to share with my sister.

I think it is less than ideal, especially when teenagers want to spend alone time with their boyfriend/girlfriend or friends or have some serious studying/revision to do, but it isn't cruel.

I have 4 and I'm definitely done. My eldest (21) has moved out so my 3 other children all have a room each. I had an 8 year gap between my third and fourth, at the moment I have 2 teens and a 7 year old.
If you want a fourth and can afford it and have the room etc then go for it

2 teens and a 7 year old at home they should have said

How old are your DC now, OP? Mine were an absolute breeze until the teenage years then all hell unleashed. I'd have had four if DH has agreed but my god am I glad I stopped at two!
Also you can't fit them all in a normal car.

@ApplePippa you have explained yourself perfectly well and your experience is as valid as anyone else's, some posters just don't want to hear it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Spreading yourself too thin with the time you can dedicate to each child

The Environment

I only have 3 (third unplanned) but he is a massive joy to us. He costs us loads (he dances quite seriously) but we love all of it. Before him I would happily had another. Now (I'm too old anyway) I couldn't imagine having another. I think you will know when you have had enough. For me it was 3. For you it may be 4.

Thanks so much for all the responses. They’ve given me a lot to think about and have been really valuable. Appreciate everyone’s input. I think I am going to have to force myself to use my head and not follow my heart this time. Focusing on the chance it could be a negative experience for my existing children will help me to do that. I think it is likely I would always pine for another pregnancy and baby - and maybe I need to even look into why that is as even typing this makes me want to cry at the thought of accepting I will never experience it all again. Life is so complicated, our family has been through a lot, my middle child had cancer and has suffered so much, there is something about pregnancy, birth and child rearing I find so meaningful and fulfilling I find it hard to imagine drawing a line under it. But I do think that is what I need to do. Thanks again all 😊

I hope your middle child has completely recovered @vanvanvroom. DD had soem serious health issues as a baby and we had to put any ideas of more children on hold until they resolved, then the second never happened. Part of me just wanted to experience a healthy, low needs baby.

How often do you get "me time"? Time to do something you want to do for yourself rather than putting everyone else before you?

Can you focus on the lovely things about them getting older? I've loved mine growing up. Getting better at things, developing senses of humour. It's so enjoyable.

@vanvanvroom thank you for posting this question. It’s exactly where I’m at and my heart is longing for 4 but I know I need to (as you put it in your final post) ‘force myself to use my head’. It’s really valuable to feel that this is a shared experience.

Hey Everyone,

I am on a career break and have 3 wonderful children all under 5 and would love a 4th child. I always knew I wanted 4 children quite close together and although there are times I think 3 is plenty, I still think about having another baby. I worry if I decide to stick with 3 I would always wonder what the 4th child would’ve been like. My husband on the other hand doesn’t want anymore. I was always transparent with him before marriage about wanting a big family but also get why he’s against it -

1. Time is spread thinner with each child. This is my major reason as I adore my kids.
2. Pregnancy is special but also tough and puts pressure on running after young children. I’ve had healthy births but suffered nausea throughout and then back pain at the end of my last pregnancy.
3. Financially we are fine and are house is big but cost of living is crazy at the minute and my husband works a lot.
4. Less time as a couple and time to do sport.

Do children benefit more from more siblings or more time and support from parents??? Is it just my hormones talking and will this feeling go away? Is it selfish of me to try and convince my husband into having another? I do think men in general feel differently about kids.

Any kind thoughts are very welcome.
Thanks in advance.

Is it selfish of me to try and convince my husband into having another?

Yes.

If you knew what parenting teenagers was like you wouldn't even be asking this question.

To me it's obvious.

Climate Change.
Each additional human means an additional mobile phone, a car, a house, tv... I could go on.

@HB2022 I am one of four and would advise anyone strongly not to have four children. It definitely won’t do your current children or your marriage any favours.

@HB2022 I posted this upthread, but I think you need to reread this. Parenting under fives is a walk in the park compared to parenting 4 teenagers:

Expense: childcare, school uniforms, school lunches, school trips, mobile phones, laptops, university support, bigger car, bigger house, holidays, Christmas.

Stress: GCSEs, A levels, UCAS, degrees. The stress of parenting one teenager was bad enough let alone the thought of going through that 4 times.

Emotional cost: Friendship issues, bullying, relationship issues - do not underestimate the emotional roller coaster teenagers can put you through

Other: the drudgery of all that cooking, washing and cleaning, years and years of school runs and playdates.

What does parenting four children give you that three doesn't?

As child 3 out of 4 quite close in age I had to share a bedroom with 2 siblings so no real privacy no room (one person had to leave the room to give the other 2 enough room to get ready for bed) no where quiet to do homework plus the older and youngest frequently ganged up on me so my books got torn, my toy broken and I got the blame because I shouldn't have left it out in my own bedroom on my own bed... I know it must have been difficult for my parents as they had 4 under the age of 6 at one stage but it was hell. It's why I chose to have just one child.

Just don't. I've got 4 under 4 years it's hard. Unless you have support of your husband time wise snd family close just don't do it.

I never believed my sister (she had 4) but yes I wouldn't have 4 now (especially one with Sen)

I have 4 DC and its not as bad as people are making out-in fact its not bad at all!
My DC have sort of paired up , I think DC3 was a bit out on a limb, maybe due to age gap, so now they all have a sibling they are close to.
Going from 4 to 3 wasnt as hard as going for 1 to 2.
But of course you have more DC who need your time and attention, there is more mess, more washing, bigger grocery bill, 4 lots of driving lessons etc, cant fit in a standard car and ideally need a bigger house, and less time for you-unless you are lucky enough to have help.
I think it is hormonal -the urge to have a child-it does pass. But having 4 DC can be joyful especially if you have the time, energy and financial security.

It’s better for the planet to stick with 3.