please tell me all the reasons not to have a fourth child

[vanvanvroom]

I really thought I'd feel finally done and family complete with a third child. But I am already yearning for one more, something I never ever thought I'd want. I really want to feel done with three, please talk some sense into me about why I shouldn't have one more... I am worried I will NEVER feel done and would have a fourth and still feel like this. Maybe that in itself is a reason to call it quits at three? It doesn't help that I've found a third nothing but a pleasure and not hard at all so far!

I’m one of four. Please don’t do it, for the sake of your other children. I am one of four. From a very wealthy family with all the financial reserves to provide for four children. But my parents just didn’t have the capacity to support us all emotionally. I really wouldn’t wish my upbringing on anyone.

I found two to three a huge shock to the system but three to four not at all. Our house is now made up of two groups of two. I’ll be honest, we’re one of ‘those’ families- we’re a bit cheaper by the dozen chaotic, but I can’t remember before my youngest came along. Yes on the cost though- we live very basically, there’s less big outings, magazines and hobbies, but it doesn’t matter much- as they say the outdoors is free to enjoy! We do have to save hard for back to school time though- we probably spend as much on that as Christmas!!

Can you do everything for each of them? Will you have enough time, energy & motivation to raise four children into adulthood?

There are no reasons not to have a fourth. My fourth is absolutely perfection. Just like his siblings. Best 'whoops' I ever had!! He just slotted right in

The more you have the easier it is. Honestly! I'm a childminder and a foster cater too. The more the merrier.

Oh I think it's very likely you'll never feel done if you don't already.

I'll always wonder what our genes would look like in a 3rd child, what about a little girl, etc, etc. But goodness gracious, mine have got bigger feet than me now and there's no room left in the shoe cupboard, let alone the washing machine. I am done, done, done, but will always think it would be nice to see what the next one would look like.....

I love having four
but
since having no 4 my first has developed a long term illness. All my energy goes on no1 and no4 and the middle two don’t get enough of me.

If you work 4 lots of sick days adds up to a lot of days off ( I possibly feel this more because of dc1) Plus parents evening and school plays and sports days etc. That sinking feeling of oh god I need to ask for more time off. 4 lots of extra curricular activities mean sitting down in your own home of an evening will be a distant memory. Lots of dragging bored siblings around to each other’s activities.

Holidays suddenly become crazy expensive.

Other than that it’s great!

I have four teenagers.
They have their moments but I love it.

I’ve also got four teenagers. It’s lovely.

Four is my dream - I've got one with another one on the way and for age, financial, career and logistical reasons we'll stop at two. But the idea of a house of four teenagers/young adults makes me so happy, and the thought of them all potentially having their own families and the chaos of a big family gathering would be so wonderful.

But but but - I'm looking at all the ideals with that vision. I talk myself down by reminding myself that they might not all get along, they might not like to visit as adults with their own families, and that they have to be people in their own rights and not players my dream of a large family.

I guess for you OP, nobody knows your family dynamic better than you. If not having a fourth is going to be something you regret for life and it's taking the flavour out of the family you have, it might be worth going for it, but if it could just be a lovely daydream, maybe best not to rock the boat!

This. There are no ‘good reasons’ to have a baby, it’s just about whether you’re in a place to adequately care for them. If you are then why not?

Reasons not to

Expense: childcare, school uniforms, school lunches, school trips, mobile phones, laptops, university support, bigger car, bigger house, holidays, Christmas.

Stress: GCSEs, A levels, UCAS, degrees. The stress of parenting one teenager was bad enough let alone the thought of going through that 4 times.

Emotional cost: Friendship issues, bullying, relationship issues.

Other: the drudgery of all that cooking, washing and cleaning, years and years of school runs and playdates.

I suspect that the OP doesn’t have older children or teenagers yet. DD wasn’t a horrible teenager, but she had a horrible time at school (bullying and friendship issues), and the emotional toll that something like this takes cannot be underestimated.

What does a fourth child give you that the three you already have don’t?

Reasons to

I’m cuddled up to my number four now. I am now definitely done and our family feels complete. I didn’t have that before but I do now. He is a blessing in our house and all of the kids love having him around. I do have it easy though as my kids get on well and generally very well behaved.
we have less space now
we have less money now
less time to focus on any academic bits with the others
less energy
we have gained so much more than that though. I was so worried when pregnant but we got very lucky in that he is quite easy going and is fit and healthy x

"If someone had 2 boys and wanted a girl that's one thing but just to have another for no reason seems a bit daft"

Trying for a specific sex is also a terrible reason to have another.

If you love having three children and have the desire and capacity for another then crack on. My teens are a breeze, fwiw.

I would love 4, I’m one of 5 before anyone tells me any ‘I hate my siblings’ stories 😂 but I’m aiming for 3. DH wants 2 so 3 is a compromise that I’m hoping to strike! (We agreed on this when we first tried for DC1, but he’s gone off the idea since having a real baby lol)

Money

The older the kids get the more expensive everything is. Teenage boys school shoes, football boots prices are eye watering. Plus phones, music lessons (£25 per 30 mins), driving lessons (£32 per hour!), university. Holidays just get more expensive the older they get.

Of course you don't have to provide any of these things, but that's not the kind of parent I want to be. My dc have weekend jobs too, so pay for their own social lives but that's only from 16 really.

I could have wrote this post except I'm one of five. We had enough materially but it was way too many children for my parents to emotionally support. It's been very damaging and the reason I stopped at two children.

I have four.
No regrets!
No we aren't rich, but two went to good Universities and have great careers, one has emigrated because he married an Aussie and he is having a good life out there. One is still with us as he has special needs.
They are all close as adults, despite being somewhat spread out, and they are all glad of each other.
I have asked them if they felt they missed out in some way by being a big family but unless they are just being very polite, they all agree it was fine and they simply were a great pack
The teen years were tricky at times (all teens at the same time!) but we got through it ok. They come home regularly and love nothing better then when they are all here together!

You do need a people carrier til they learn to drive though!

Money. If you have lots of it then go for it. But teenagers/young adults are very expensive.

If you want four and can afford it then go for it. I'm from a big family and never felt short changed on love and affection.

I had the opposite experience; I’m one of 4 and had a fantastic childhood. I never felt I didn’t get enough time or attention and we all got quality time with each parent 1-1 as well. I absolutely loved growing up as a group of 4 and my siblings felt the same and they also have big families. We are all still really close now and see each other regularly.

If you can financially and emotionally support 4, go for it.

This is a shame, sorry you feel that way.

My DH is one of 4 and loved it, as a result he really wants to have 4 himself.

4 is fine, it’s hardly Radford territory. Even with 2 children how much ‘one on one time’ do you get with them anyway? I assume you don’t farm one out for the day regularly to solely be with the other one. As long as you’re approachable, stay interested in what’s currently happening in their lives and are physically present it will be fine.

I don't think 4 children constitutes a big family tbh. My 4 all seem to cope and enjoy always having play friends around. I also manage 1-2-1 time each day, to feed and clothe them etc.

We were relieved at the 4th DC scan that there was only one in there though

Because you can always buy a cute baby outfit for a friend's child if you're feeling broody. It's cheaper and a lot less hassle.