please tell me all the reasons not to have a fourth child

[vanvanvroom]

I really thought I'd feel finally done and family complete with a third child. But I am already yearning for one more, something I never ever thought I'd want. I really want to feel done with three, please talk some sense into me about why I shouldn't have one more... I am worried I will NEVER feel done and would have a fourth and still feel like this. Maybe that in itself is a reason to call it quits at three? It doesn't help that I've found a third nothing but a pleasure and not hard at all so far!

I also think it's individual and what lifestyle you want, personally:

I want to be able to help my kids financially

I want to give them and myself nice holidays abroad - taking x4 kids away on holiday somewhere nice will be thousands

I do not want them sharing a a room

i do kit want to drive around in a people carrier 🤣

i found having my x3 kids easy but as they are reaching teen years I am finding it much more challenging. I cried when my eldest 2 started school but was relieved when my youngest did. It's not all sweet kids you are in control of.

we are also living in a different era where everything is so expensive - your food bill will be msssuve as kids grow.

do you what to work? How can you with x4?

I'm one of four.

Growing up I hated the fact there was never any space to call my own. I remember sitting in the bathroom revising for my GCSE mocks as there was just nowhere else in the house I could go to concentrate without being disturbed.

I hated to the outside world being "one of the x family" and not know as myself, as an individual. This even extended to teachers, who would either muddle me up or compare me to my siblings. Even grandparents I never really felt knew ME - as one of the younger ones I felt I was just another grandchild. There was no space for any meaningful time with them.

Everything big milestone in my life growing up had already been done by an older sibling, and was overshadowed by someone doing the next bigger more important thing. My GCSEs were the same year my sister did her A levels and my brother did his uni finals - very little focus on me doing my first public exams. My A levels were overshadowed by my brother's wedding... etc. It was a pattern throughout my childhood. Might seem insignificant and petty, but it did affect me.

A pp alluded to big chaotic family gatherings. I don't like these - I don't like noisy chaos and I find there are so many people cramped in a small space they become about crowd control rather than spending any quality time with any of my family.

No financial help from my parents for any of us - just not enough to go around.

I have 4. I love it but this time I know I'm done.

It is hard work being pulled in 4 directions and illness is tough. But to be honest it was the easiest transition and she has been the easiest baby.

This comes down to your finances as some families with 4 children have the things you mention; holidays abroad, a room each, financial help when DC are older.
Im one of 4 and even in the 90s and 2000s, we had at least 1, sometimes 2 holidays abroad a year & we all had our own bedroom. My own 4 children all have their own room (4th baby isn’t here yet but they have a room) we will continue with 3/4 holidays abroad a year and will be able to help all with uni, if they decide to go, and with a house deposit.

Our next door neighbours are both GPs and they have 4 children and DDs teacher also has 4 so it doesn’t rule out working either.

Obviously 4 children are more expensive than 1,2 or 3, but still doable for some families to have a very nice lifestyle.

Oh, and I don’t have a people carrier either. This is a bit of a joke between me and my siblings as we all have big families and none of us have one. Whenever a 4th baby has been announced it’s “Ford galaxy time” 😂
We all have 7 seater 4x4s .

@Remmy123 for some reason the first sentence of my reply has been chopped off but I started my last post with “I agree with you; it’s individual”
Not sure what happened there?!

You'll be doing the school run til you're drawing your pension

Exactly! I don't understand posters talking as though spending all your time and money focused on your child is a great thing. Isn't there a danger they'll grow up thinking they're the centre of the universe. They learn so much about life and relationships growing up with siblings, things you can never replace by reading about in a book.

Biff chip and kipper were among the reasons I said no more...😃

The magic key began to glow...

I have 4 and its hard! I often feel like I'm not giving enough and I'm failing them as no one has their own room even now (eldest is 19) and finances are stretched.

I agree With the poster who said it gets boring. Dd2 is still at primary school and frankly I'm over the school run after 16 years which I also feel guilty about! Fortunately there have been changes since the older 3 left so I'm not repeating stuff I had to do for them.

My middle 2 dc are in the middle of teenage years and causing a lot of headaches and I often think if I had just thought about the teenage years I would have stopped at 2!!

Don't get me wrong though I absolutely love them all, I just feel like we made life hard for ourselves.

I'm not being 1 of 4 is your problem though. You seem very dissatisfied about odd things. Most kids revise in their bedrooms, that is completely normal 🤔 did you think that others had their own private office each?

I have a friend with four. The last one was a happy accident. My friend said that by the time number four had arrived so was so done with soft play, toddler groups and playdates that her youngest missed out on them.

@mumoffourminimes that's a bit unfair, I don't think revising in a bathroom is particularly normal tbf.

Oh gosh, sorry apples I read that bedroom!! I need more sleep - it must be that 4th kid 🤣

Shared bedroom. Constantly disturbed by siblings.

Might seem like odd things to you - I don't really care what you think. They had an effect on me, and they were very much a result of being one of a large family. OP wanted reasons not to have a fourth child, so I gave her a perspective from being one of four.

Yes sorry @ApplePippa, totally my misread. I does depend on the family though. The OP might have plenty of room and not need to cordon off a bathroom for revision purposes.

For example my 4 have a bedroom each and 2 bathrooms between them on that floor (we have another downstairs loo and Dh/I have a large en-suite on another floor so lots of options) despite this the children regularly decide they want to share/have "sleepovers" and they all choose to use the same (smallest) shower room.

When I was revising I used the library more than staying at home. Even a uni I'd stay and use the library for study.

It may have affected you but I'm not sure you can blame your dissatisfaction on your parents' choice to have 4.

Op how old are you?

@mumoffourminimes Apology accepted, but I don't think you understand my "dissatisfaction" at all. I perhaps didn't explain it very well.

It wasn't just about not having a massive house with a bedroom each and multiple bathrooms. It was also about not being "seen". Outside the family, I was a number in a crowd of a large family. Inside the family, nothing I ever did was new or original. Someone had done it before. A pp talks about finding it all boring after a while, and I think that was true with my parents.

You may disagree, but it was very much the result of my parents choice to have four.

I have four children, number four was unplanned. I think a lot depends on the dynamics of your family. Also that your partner plays an equal role. I had a big gap between number 2 and 3 so it almost felt like we had two families. This meant the older children had totally different needs so I never had a phase of four lots of intense physical needs say. My third child really benefitted from having a younger sibling and they have a lovely relationship. I did get sick to the back teeth of the primary school run. I had at least one child in primary school for 17 years. It's expensive for sure, driving lessons, Uni etc. The other issue for us is that DH wants to retire, we plan to downsize. Number three turns 18 this month. I do sometimes think if we hadn't had number four we'd pretty much be moving on to the next phase in our lives.

I think parenting is all well and good when they are small, it's not so easy-going when they are teenagers and you are driving them to hobbies at nine at night and collecting them from a shift working at the pub at midnight.

You start off when they are seven thinking 'oh that athletics club looks fun, I'll take them to that on a Sunday' and when they are 14 and have become ridiculously good at the pole vault you are driving them all over the country with a pole strapped to the roof of your car to compete as well as to training three times a week.

Their enormous clothes cost a fortune and one jumper takes up a third of a load of laundry. Their shoes take up the entire understairs cupboard.

The first one of my children I took out to learn to drive I had to get them to pull over in IKEA carpark so I could throw up.

I’m sorry you had this experience. It’s sounds really, really crap. I think when you decide to have 4 children, you have to commit to giving the 4 enthusiasm and attention. It’s not fair to think well I’ve already done an 18th birthday party.
how are things with them now?

Do you have a lot of 1:1 with your current children daily, and can easily accommodate another? Then go for it.

My neighbour and I had our first children (now 19) and our second (now 16) at the same time and she went on to have two more. What I have noticed is that our lives moved on after the toddler and early primary years whilst hers never did as she was doing it all over again.

I was taking my older children on days out etc that were suitable for my children's ages and interests. Hers were still going to soft play.

Her focus and priorities always had to be on the younger ones.

And it's not something I would have noticed I don't think if our lives hadn't been so parallel initially. And our houses exactly the same. She's got three in the master bedroom and one in the box room. My oldest had a desk in her room for her homework and revision where as my neighbour's son had to do his after dinner on the kitchen table.

OP- What's the age spread on your other 3?
Girl / boys?

I'm absolutely done with 4. Things to consider have you got lots of cash? Family close by? A husband that doesn't have a crazy stressful job?

I drive a van haha love it 😍