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please tell me all the reasons not to have a fourth child

129 replies

vanvanvroom · 20/01/2023 12:22

I really thought I'd feel finally done and family complete with a third child. But I am already yearning for one more, something I never ever thought I'd want. I really want to feel done with three, please talk some sense into me about why I shouldn't have one more... I am worried I will NEVER feel done and would have a fourth and still feel like this. Maybe that in itself is a reason to call it quits at three? It doesn't help that I've found a third nothing but a pleasure and not hard at all so far!

OP posts:
Mistonthemountains · 20/01/2023 14:14

Cuppasoupmonster · 20/01/2023 13:44

I would love 4, I’m one of 5 before anyone tells me any ‘I hate my siblings’ stories 😂 but I’m aiming for 3. DH wants 2 so 3 is a compromise that I’m hoping to strike! (We agreed on this when we first tried for DC1, but he’s gone off the idea since having a real baby lol)

You're describing my marriage

BluePolar · 20/01/2023 14:18

I really really want a third. I can feel my body pining for it, but our home is too small so I’m putting it in a box in my mind for 2024.
Is age on your side OP? Could you leave it 12months and see how you feel then?

orangegato · 20/01/2023 14:34

No one needs four. Divided attention for other three, plus the environment and overpopulation. Hard no from me, but you do you obviously.

Interested in this thread?

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Ameanstreakamilewide · 20/01/2023 18:50

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 20/01/2023 12:52

The main thing that put me off having a fourth child was the experience of a friend whose fourth turned out to be twins.

I know 2 couples this happened to. 😬

Ameanstreakamilewide · 20/01/2023 18:51

Kfjsjdbd · 20/01/2023 13:00

I’m one of four. Please don’t do it, for the sake of your other children. I am one of four. From a very wealthy family with all the financial reserves to provide for four children. But my parents just didn’t have the capacity to support us all emotionally. I really wouldn’t wish my upbringing on anyone.

My husband is one of 4 and agreed with absolutely everything you said.

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 20/01/2023 18:52

MsNightingale · 20/01/2023 13:32

I’ve also got four teenagers. It’s lovely.

Yes, I had 3 teens (one is now 21) and it was lovely. Much easier than when they were younger.

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 20/01/2023 18:54

I’m part of two families as my dad had a second family, and I spent all my school holidays there.

So in term time I was one of two kids, living with my mum and stepdad, and in the holidays I was one of five kids, living with my dad and stepmum.

I got much more attention and love in the bigger family. It’s really about what the parents have to give, not how many children they have.

Walkerbean16 · 20/01/2023 19:10

You would need a bigger car.

Because you can never find a hotel for six people.

You don't have time for all four kids.

If there is an age gap it's hard to find things they all like to do.

Space in the house.

Kids are expensive.

RampantIvy · 20/01/2023 19:27

Yes, I had 3 teens (one is now 21) and it was lovely. Much easier than when they were younger.

I think it depends on external influences. I found that kissing a three year old to make her feel better was much easier than dealing with a 14 year old who was being bullied to the point that she was self harming and borerline anorexic. A kiss and a cuddle doesn't make that go away.

Luredbyapomegranate · 20/01/2023 19:46

time
money
the planet

4 is a lot and even if you are managing it well now (impressive) time isn’t elastic they might feel short changed in their teens.

I’d get a kitten

Babyroobs · 20/01/2023 19:52

From someone who has four kids I would say don't do it. Financially it is very costly and now mine are all late teens/ early twenties it is a very expensive time with them going to Uni. It's very hard to help them to the extent you want to.

RampantIvy · 20/01/2023 19:57

I’d get a kitten

Or a job

DashingWhiteSergeant · 20/01/2023 19:59

Space in a car, time spent on homework, still worrying about A levels in another 18 years, the potential disruption to your other three, etc etc

breathcalmly · 20/01/2023 20:02

I have 4 aged between 15 and 8 (last ones were twins) and it’s really hard work. We never have enough time for each of them, have had to cut back significantly financially, can’t afford to do the nice day trips out etc that other families can do, and we are run ragged.

EveSix · 20/01/2023 20:15

I get this weird sense of unreality when parents of multiple children seriously consider whether to have #3, 4 etc in 2023. Do you not keep up with world affairs? It's not really about whether you are able to afford or have space for a 3rd, 4th or 5th child now, or in 5 or 10 years time, but whether society, which will likely look very different by the time next year's babies are young adults, will be able to sustain our progeny at anything like the standard of living we are accustomed to, in even the most moderate households.

My DC are older and I am working my butt off to ensure they enter adulthood with as much support as I can muster in terms of housing, finance and the means to earn a living in an increasingly unstable workplace, because the future is going to be a tough gig, on account of international conflict, increasing political tensions, global economic stressors and a warming climate. In a globalised growth economy, we are no longer insulated from impact in any significant way.

In addition, I think PPs who have mentioned the time factor are spot on. Purely anecdotally, from my professional experience, children with multiple siblings rarely get the same amount of unhurried, open-ended, luxuriously focussed 1:1 time as onlies or children with one sibling. They may do lots of lovely things as a family group, but seem to crave the 1:1 so much. I've stopped at 2, but still feel like my DC would benefit loads from even more quality 1:1 time than I already give them, and I've always tried to give each of them at least an hour each a day.

I'd really try to find a feeling of completion with the family you already have.

Cuppasoupmonster · 20/01/2023 20:18

children with multiple siblings rarely get the same amount of unhurried, open-ended, luxuriously focussed 1:1 time as onlies or children with one sibling

No but they get the benefit of siblings 🤷🏼‍♀️ so it all works itself out. I can see how being one of (for example) 8 kids is problematic but 3 or 4? The hysteria on here over one or two extra kids than the ‘permitted’ number is way over the top.

Purplepurse · 20/01/2023 20:30

As a parent you get bored. The first nativity play is exciting the fourth not so much. And so it continues. Roman dressing up day for the last child is not exciting, its nuisance that has to be got through. Unless you are the kind of person who can be hugely excited about every stage of each of your children's lives then don't do it!

mumoffourminimes · 20/01/2023 20:47

Purplepurse · 20/01/2023 20:30

As a parent you get bored. The first nativity play is exciting the fourth not so much. And so it continues. Roman dressing up day for the last child is not exciting, its nuisance that has to be got through. Unless you are the kind of person who can be hugely excited about every stage of each of your children's lives then don't do it!

Roman dressing up day has never been exciting 🤣

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 20/01/2023 20:49

Your pelvic floor will thank you if you don't...

Remmy123 · 20/01/2023 21:25

It is very expensive

your life will likely revolve around your kids for years, working or any independence wiii be hard

parenting gets tough when they reach teenagers

No longer cute / easy when teens .. will all fight with each other / leave a mess and a shit loads of washing / ferrying then from place to place

you needs lots of space / own bedrooms

holidays abroad will be in thousands

Runnerduck34 · 20/01/2023 21:55

I have 4 DC and wouldn't have it any other way.
Although number 4 was unplanned.
It did get a very broody in my early forties probably a last hurrah but I squashed it.
Difference between 3 and 4 isn't huge but of you're looking for reasons not too:
It's expensive
It is harder to give 1:1 attention
You chase your tail trying to meet everyone's needs
You need a 7 seater people carrier.
You need a larger house/ kids need to share bedrooms

Actionfilm · 20/01/2023 22:16

Four teenagers, four massive teenagers in your living room all spread out taking up all the space.

2chocolateoranges · 20/01/2023 22:18

4 teenagers arghhhhhhh!
4 lots of teenage hormones
4 lots of driving lessons
4 lots of uni fees

need a bigger house, bigger car and bigger wallet!

RampantIvy · 20/01/2023 22:20

4 lots of GCSEs
4 lots of A levels
4 mobile phones
4 laptops - yes, they will each need one for homework

Mistonthemountains · 21/01/2023 07:25

Cuppasoupmonster · 20/01/2023 20:18

children with multiple siblings rarely get the same amount of unhurried, open-ended, luxuriously focussed 1:1 time as onlies or children with one sibling

No but they get the benefit of siblings 🤷🏼‍♀️ so it all works itself out. I can see how being one of (for example) 8 kids is problematic but 3 or 4? The hysteria on here over one or two extra kids than the ‘permitted’ number is way over the top.

This 💯. I'm not sure how much a child needs endless luxuriously focused 1:1 time tbh.