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My daughter talks constantly and it's leaving me frazzled.

123 replies

Cluelessat33 · 19/01/2023 10:15

Please be gentle because I'm feeling incredibly delicate. However I know this will probably sound shit.

My 5 year old talks. Constantly. Incessantly. From the moment she wakes to the moment she goes to sleep. Non stop. And not only that, she struggles to moderate her volume. She is a vibrant, inquisitive, intelligent girl. Which I love. But I am also struggling to cope with it. Its feels like a constant bombardment of demands, questions, requests, wants etc from the minute we wake up. The questions come quicker than I can respond or even think of an answer. My brain feel like it's turning to mush from about 9am. And by the time we get to bed time my brain is so fried that I'm actually struggling to read a book to her because my head and eyes and mouth just don't seem to be working together any more.

How do I cope better and try and manage this without getting snappy or asking her not to ask so many questions. I don't want to stop her and quash her inquisitiveness. But neither can I continue to answer her questions about what the dog is saying 50 times a day, for example

I'm a single Mum, and she does have contact with her Dad. I'm feeling frazzled all around, but the constant questioning, demanding and shouting/loud talking is not helping how I'm feeling generally. Either that or I'm just not in a good position to cope with it. I don't know really.

OP posts:
TealSteal · 19/01/2023 10:19

My mum used to always tell me I talked too much, was draining her etc. I don't really talk to her at all now. I mean I'm in touch with her, I visit her but I don't really talk to her about what is going on in my life in an intimate way and I can't say she really seems to notice.

AnotherCountryMummy · 19/01/2023 10:20

I feel for you, it sounds tough. Is she at school yet or at home with you all day?

Could you perhaps implement quiet times where you explain that in this time (maybe put the oven timer on for 15 mins) you are going to do quiet activities like reading or colouring and not be chatting. Explain that it's good to relax and be quiet at times during the day. Maybe put your feet up and sit down with a book to be an example.

Good luck!

SalviaOfficinalis · 19/01/2023 10:20

I remember seeing a similar thread a while ago - have linked it below for you.

I don’t know if there’s anything on there that will be helpful for you. The daughter in that one had suspected Autism/ ADHD I think.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/4656099-daughters-incessant-talking

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

RandomMess · 19/01/2023 10:21

We had her friends over a lot.

It is exhausting!

Cluelessat33 · 19/01/2023 10:26

@SalviaOfficinalis oh my goodness. OK this could have been me who had written this. The driving thing resounds quite strongly. And the repeating louder and louder until she gets a response hits home I'll read the responses.

@TealSteal thank you for your very helpful response. I never tell her. I'm gentle and calm with her, despite struggling. But I'll bear in mind how much I'm damaging my relationship with her so thanks for that 🙄

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 19/01/2023 10:37

Is she in school?

My youngest is a chatterbox and insatiably curious (quiet in school though!). We are adaptable creatures who can learn anything! So what I taught my chatty son to do was to have some quiet time. I simply said we're going to have some quiet time where we rest our brains and don't speak for a bit. Just relax our minds and give our mouths a little rest.
It worked a treat. I never have to use that approach now. In fact, he'll say to me, "I'm going to take a break from talking now and just think inside my head for a bit." 😁He's 8. 9 in May.
But he had to be taught to rest his whole self. I'm a big one for stopping and resting the unbridled mind. Just stepping away from the noise.
My chatty son is very, very curious. And I think people who are chatty are just very engaging; ideas and things coming into their minds a mile a minute (it can be ASD/ADHD or not. Either way, we are still capable of learning to be still and listen to silence). For what it's worth, my son is autistic. He is chatty and curious. He does know how to stop, be still, and just move with the gentle waves instead of the crashing, noisy ones.
Walk as much as possible. Busy minds do well with lots of movement. Walking really helps settle the busy mind.

I also noticed that while my older two were all over Milkshake and Cbeebies as little ones, my youngest didn't really like that stuff. He's always enjoyed/enjoys things like Hidden Life of Pets (anything about animals- documentaries, factual books like National Geographic ones, anything that feeds his curiosity).

Cluelessat33 · 19/01/2023 10:46

@TheVanguardSix thank you. This is helpful and something I will try with her. She has always been energetic and engaged with the world around her. Even as a very young baby, she refused to nap. She's rarely ever napped, and dropped them with no hint of looking back by 6 months of age. By bedtime she'd crash into bed with sheer exhaustion but would Maintain high energy levels all day. I do feel the talking is an extension of this.

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 19/01/2023 10:47

As well as setting a quiet time aside, it might be worth setting aside a time to chat with her as well, so she knows she's going to get a chance to talk to you. As for the constant questions, can you ask her what she thinks is the cause/problem/whatever? This does mean that she'll talk a bit more, but stops you having to respond straight away if you need a bit of time to gather your thoughts!

TealSteal · 19/01/2023 10:50

@Cluelessat33 not saying your definitely damaging the relationship now but little girls do tend to talk a lot and if you make her feel bad about it, even non verbally you risk alienating her. Your her mum and so to a large extent you just need to suck it up.

xogossipgirlxo · 19/01/2023 10:52

I used to talk a lot too. My dad was often falling asleep 😂I'm not a big talker now, maybe she will grow out of it. In fact, I hate when adults talk too much. I don't mind kids, they're funny and curious.

Cluelessat33 · 19/01/2023 10:55

@TealSteal I think you are making a number of unreasonable assumptions there about how I'm dealing with it. We are humans and not robots. Or as mothers are you saying we aren't allowed to struggle at all? As a single Mum I struggle immensely with guilt and I'm sure many others do. I'm on here asking for constructive feedback and help to improve myself. Comments like yours do absolutely nothing to help and everything to reinforce most parents fear that they aren't doing the best for their child. Comments like yours may well make someone think they are damaging their child. It's unnecessary and unkind.

OP posts:
redandyellowbits · 19/01/2023 10:57

ChicCroissant · 19/01/2023 10:47

As well as setting a quiet time aside, it might be worth setting aside a time to chat with her as well, so she knows she's going to get a chance to talk to you. As for the constant questions, can you ask her what she thinks is the cause/problem/whatever? This does mean that she'll talk a bit more, but stops you having to respond straight away if you need a bit of time to gather your thoughts!

I agree with this approach, I am a single mum with 3 very chatty DDs, and it can be quite exhausting.

Mine are a lot older than yours (2 are teens now), but they still want to talk to me from the second they get home from school, whilst I am still working.

My compromise is a quick hello when home from school, then I will call one of them to help me make dinner and chat to her one to one, or take one of them grocery shopping with me and chat in the car, etc.

I make sure I go up to bed on the early side, around 9pm, so we all chat in my room till around 10/10.30pm when I boot them out so I can sleep. Sometimes I really just need them to stop talking though!

As long as they know they will get a chance to talk to me later, then all is fine. If we miss this for more than a day then they get all sad about not being able to chat to me. I would be far more sad if they didn't want to speak to me at all, so this works out quite nicely.

ReadtheReviews · 19/01/2023 10:57

A technique at school was to have a cardboard cut out of a favourite character and Ask Peppa (for example) which meant putting the question down on a post it and sticking it to her to be answered later. Depends on her writing ability though.
Yoga for kids is good, you could do it together.

I remember my mum betting me 20 pounds I couldnt be silent for a whole day. I did it, for a remote control car, but was quite insulted too!

BertieBotts · 19/01/2023 10:57

Ignore the relationship damage posts - I'm sure you don't shut her down all the time. It's not helpful to be guilt tripped about "just don't be annoyed" because that isn't realistic.

DS1 was like this a lot (he also has ADHD) - I learned eventually that just trying to accept it all the time (and feeling guilty when I failed) was counter productive, I had to set boundaries in order that I could genuinely accept it some of the time, rather than constantly pretending to accept it through gritted teeth being on a knife edge of annoyance. This is a concept I've heard of recently called "Confident no to protect the genuine yes" and I wish somebody had explained it to me earlier!

Screen time - I know crap - but helped as occupied him without adult input. We sometimes played a game together and I would cap this at 1h. Try to notice if shared activities have a "sell by date" and stick to that. Board games were 1h limit as well. He tended to have a hard time with me saying we needed to stop something, but it was easier for him if I explained in advance e.g. this is the last round.

Play dates - I think he was lonely without a sibling. So try to arrange lots and then he'd get invited to theirs too etc.

Clubs/activities, in fact, anything that gives you a combination of space from each other + new things to talk about helps, so it's not the same repetitive topics.

Can she read yet? We used to read a chapter book together at bedtime - he read 1 page then I read 2. (You can do 1 para / 2 para if easier) And I would cap the time - 20 mins or so, when it got to about 18 mins I'd look for a good place to stop and put the bookmark in (again announcing the end point in advance helped).

Can she write? Maybe introduce the idea of journaling or storywriting for the most repetitive topics. I didn't think of this at the time, but for example a story about a talking dog would be great. And you could read it periodically and likely have a positive, encouraging response rather than thinking "OMG what now??"

Do you have an Alexa/google voice thing? Maybe if she can direct some of her general world questions at that it would take the pressure off you?

I did start to tell him "I'm not really very interested in Pokemon, you can talk to X about pokemon, can we talk about Harry Potter?" or some other thing that you're genuinely interested in.

There is a book called 15 minute parenting that I liked as has some ideas for connecting which are less lengthy and draining.

I felt like I didn't really deal with this very well in total, I realised a lot of this stuff much too late, but we do now have a good relationship now he is a teenager and he does tell me stuff, so I do think as long as you're trying your best don't fret too much, I used to feel so horrible and it wasn't as terrible as I feared. He still manages to come and want to talk just when I've sat down to watch my favourite programme or something (and then every 5 mins during said programme which is irritating - just say it all in one go!!) but it is better. I've also specifically marked out time where I go to him and initiate something so that we have chance to connect on my terms too, and I'm not just blocked when he wants to talk to me.

alphasox · 19/01/2023 10:59

Both my sons were like this at that age. It is totally exhausting and I often wanted to shout "JUST SHUT IT!" (i didn't obv) so many times. They grew out of it (my teenager barely does more than grunt now lol!). I found that they would stop if they had a tv programme on and I wondered away to another room to do my own thing for 15 minutes.

MeinKraft · 19/01/2023 10:59

Before I even opened this I said to myself 'I bet she's 5' GrinGrinGrin get her a Switch

Tamarindtree · 19/01/2023 11:01

Personally, I loved that non stop chatty age when they were little. It was the teenage talk that did my head in! 😩

If it’s just chatty chat where she is talking at you and isn’t actually requiring you to answer what about buying her a toy that she can record her voice on?

I’m out of touch with toys today but I gave my son in the early 90s my old dictaphone and he loved recording his voice and saying silly things he and singing into it.

thisplaceisweird · 19/01/2023 11:02

Can you provide her with an outlet e.g. a little video camera or tablet where she can record herself? Or if her writing is good enough a little notebook?

Get her to write down her thoughts and questions, and bring them to you at a certain point in the day?

Or just do 'quiet time' for an hour a night

Tamarindtree · 19/01/2023 11:03

.

My daughter talks constantly and it's leaving me frazzled.
My daughter talks constantly and it's leaving me frazzled.
Crimsonripple · 19/01/2023 11:07

Surely she's at school so you have some respite? You've dodged that question a number of times...

ohdearydearieme · 19/01/2023 11:08

My daughter was the same, it was literally exhausting. Felt like I was losing my mind some days. She would then light on her father as soon as he got in from work and ignore me completely so I got some respite! You don't have that so I can only imagine how hard it is. She grew out of it eventually and we have an amazing relationship now and talk about everything in between the usual teenage arguements.

I think you have not had an incessant talker you have absolutely NO idea how wearing it can be. You love them to death but please, please please close your little beak for a while.

Ladybug14 · 19/01/2023 11:09

I think she's old enough to understand quiet times. Times where she sits quietly with you and reads or colours.

You could do a quiet time star chart

ImBlueDab · 19/01/2023 11:10

My dd was like this, thankfully she did grow out of it. I remember driving to her dgp who lived 4 hours away. I ended up putting my AirPods in and listening to music, I don't think she even noticed Grin

ItsNotReallyChaos · 19/01/2023 11:11

I have a talker DD(5) too although possibly not to quite the same extent.

Sometimes I do say to her 'I'd love to chat but just at the moment I need a bit of quiet while I do such and such job'.

I don't think that's damaging as I do give her good quality attention a lot. It's not all or nothing and as a single parent to an only child I actually think part of my job is to help DD learn gently that everything doesn't revolve around her wants/needs all the time.

Lkydfju · 19/01/2023 11:12

My DD is a bit like this and I’m trying to say things like “I’d really like to hear what you want to say but can it wait until you’ve got your shoes on/got dressed/I’ve finished making dinner/etc and then I go back to her and say ok what was it that you wanted to say? I find that she can’t talk and do something so getting out the door takes forever so this speeds it up.
I also try to escape to a different room for a cup of tea for peace every so often