Daughter's incessant talking

[Chococholic]

I really want to enjoy both my daughters but I struggle with the older one. I love her, I am so proud of her, she is bright and enthusiastic about everything in life, but her persistent chatter is intolerable.

She just can't stop.
And she barely takes a breath. The stories go on and on and on. When she was younger, I thought it was me- my inability to cope with having children, but as she's got older (she's now 9) and I have another daughter who has just turned 5, I can see that it's not my inability to cope as a parent.

The younger one also likes to chat, but there are periods of quiet and calm, with my older one there are no pauses or breaks at all. I feel awful because I'm at a point where I have to keep asking her to stop. I can not concentrate at all when I'm driving; I can not think clearly at all. If I "zone out" as advised by my husband, she gets louder and louder and asks me lots of tag questions, making statements about random things ending "isn't it" "wasn't it" "didn't it". She'll say things like "it rained all day yesterday didn't it?"
"Mum didn't it"
"Didn't it mum?"
"Rained all day didn't it?"

I have carved out time for her to talk to me throughout the day, walking to school, walking home, after dinner and at bedtime, but it's never enough for her. I can't be her constant listener, it's draining, I can't focus and my youngest child is starting to misbehave for my attention. I am not perfect but I'm trying my best. I try to give my undivided attention when I'm with them, I put my phone in another room, I'm trying to engage as much as I can, but she's bit satisfied.

The chatter has affected her friendships and another parent told me their child gets "overwhelmed" by her. She doesn't have any close friends really because she just talks at them non-stop about very informational, quite mundane topics. I have asked her teachers if they think there is something underlying (like ASD/ADHD) but because she's so bright they aren't really considering it.

I know it isn't typical talking, because I have seen that her friends and my younger daughter aren't like this. I don't feel as drained and exhausted in the company of other children like I do hers. We can't even watch TV together without her constantly narrating everything that's going on. I'm so tense when I'm around her sometimes that my jaw will ache, or the joints of my fingers, because I'm so tense with the incessant chatter. I literally can't think about anything.

My psychologist friend advised me to give her more undivided time and attention but it doesn't work, she craves the same amount afterwards, if not more. Then another Friend recently shared a meme about always listening to the small things children say so that they tell us the big things when they're older, but I'm at a point with my daughter that I'm having to ask her to stop talking often and it worries me that I'm creating future problems. But I also know that I can't just be her constant sounding board. My younger daughter even puts her hands over her ears sometimes when she's talking non-stop.

Husband's perception doesn't help, he just tells me to ignore her and zone out like he does. But I've known her ask a question a dozen times before he'll even look up at her, so she comes to me.

She's a lovely, sweet girl with a love for the world around her, but I really can't keep being her sounding board, it's persistent from the moment she opens her eyes,, to the moment she goes to bed at night and it's affecting us all.

What can I do?
Please don't tell me to listen to that meme, I just can't spend my entire time answering her questions and listening to her. It's just not feasible or tolerable.

In a few years she’ll be spending every waking hour in her room watching some useless tik toner or you tuber - my advice roll with it enjoy her as she is because she will change

Tik toker

My eldest dd (18) has always been like this, she was diagnosed with Aspergers when she was 3.

3 weeks ago she moved out to go to uni and the house is so quite, I now miss her chatting away and showing me memes. Though today I took her out for lunch and after 2 hours my head was about to explode and I was pleased to drop her back off to uni halls 🤣

It does sound hard! I've worked with hundreds over children over the years, and incessant talkers are exhausting! Are there any other pointers at all for ADHD or similar? Can she stop when she really ahs to, like in assembly, or is she unable to control herself? Does she fidget constantly? Is she extremely physically active? Any sleep problems?

I think my daughter also has ASD @Lovemusic33. Her father is also on the waiting list for diagnosis.

Yes I know that feeling! I can only enjoy her in small doses and feel guilty for it! Do you have any coping strategies?!

At 9 years old, she’s probably old enough to have a fairly mature conversation with her about this if it’s affecting her friendships. Year 5 at school I guess? She’s got a couple more years to work on this habit before secondary.

Have you explained to her that she may have more friends if she was more measured in her talking? Asked her how she thinks her talking so much might make others feel? I know it might feel unkind doing it. Hopefully someone else can offer advice on how to have difficult conversations!

You've just described my 9 year old son!! Following.

It's beginning to make me irritable 😳

@Haycorns4Piglet if she can't chatter then she fidgets! Her teacher told me she does this in class when they're having to listen and when I raised the prospect of ASD/ADHD with her she wasn't convinced! I think teachers need more training on noticing and responding to these traits. She always has her hand up too apparently!

No sleep problems other than she fidgets a lot in her sleep. Even as a toddler I couldn't have her in bed with me if she woke at night as she didn't seem to stop moving. Never experienced this with my younger daughter.

Have you actually told her that she needs to stop talking so much? Have you explained to her that speaking during a show is impolite and that constant talking can bother people?

I've been really irritable with her today @CanadianMoose and she's noticed. She's asked me why I seem mad with her a few times and I feel guilty. I did explain that her talking was giving me a headache. She acknowledged this by apologising... then carried on! 🤦‍♀️

OK well I'm autistic and two things that help me

1. a special interest to obsess over
2. stimming

I'm now wondering if my DS is ND but I honestly don't think he is!

Ahhh this sounds like us!! The guilt is immense. Would headphones and music help her calm down? Or headphones and a Nintendo switch?

Teachers can't diagnose, so I would go to your GP. Does your dd like writing ? Could she be encouraged to write her thoughts down rather than verbalise sometimes?

I often just shut down when she’s talking to me, I have ADHD myself so my concentration skills are poor and I can only focus on her talking for a short time. Occasionally I do tell her to stop or I say “right, I will look at one more meme and then we are stopping” or I just have to walk away from her. She’s very passionate about some things (politics, gaming, animals) and could talk non stop all day about these subjects.

As a school SENDCO I would say your daughter sounds like she could have some ASD or ADHD going on. I would ask for an appointment with the school SENDCO or school nurse to help you with further assessment and/or strategies.

That sounds exhausting and it’s clearly not normal. I don’t think the teachers are right to dismiss ADHD etc just because she’s bright. Many kids with ADHD / ASD etc are very bright indeed - surely they must know that. It’s probably just that they’re more concerned about giving attention to kids who are struggling with school or whose behaviour is problematic (to them!)

I do wonder about ADHD because one of my family members has it and although they’re not as extreme as your dd, they do that running commentary thing a lot and it means I just can’t watch TV with them. They’ll talk all the way through a film on tv, either narrating the film or going off on tangents and eventually losing interest in the film and talking about something else entirely. They’ve got better as they’ve got older and can now sit quietly without constantly narrating everything.

I’d push for an assessment tbh. This is already affecting her socially as well as affecting you and her sister.

I would say it likely to be part of her ASD if she has it
Does she like reading as that would be away of stopping it for a while

I was an incessant talker as a child and I always remember my mum telling me to stop "chunnering on" 🤣 my teachers always said the same at parents evening. Bright but talks constantly.

I grew out of it around 11/12 but I do remember not being able to sit still and always talking, asking questions, talking to myself if no one was around!

I'm quite anxious now as an adult and that's probably how I displayed it as a child.

I would go to your GP personally. ND presents differently in girls and whilst people are more aware of this generally honestly if they are ruling it out because she is bright I worry that they are looking for what they see as 'typical ND' behaviours.

Can you maybe encourage something like 'silent time' each day. Maybe start at like 5 mins and build up to 30 mins each evening. If she is into arts and crafts or another hobby buy some nice stuff for her to use at this time (and include your other daughter in this). It sounds like she would also benefit from meditation but that might be too much for her to try initially, but it's worth considering.

I had a conversation with the sendco last year @Mummummummumyyyyy and she gave me a handout about anxiety with some strategies on it. Seemed a bit odd as I hadn't really mentioned anxiety just that she was having problems building friendships and that I thought she had symptoms of ASD/ADHD. I have spoken to the GP who made a referral months ago but I still haven't heard anything.

My grandson was like this,delightful but full on,He was diagnosed with ASD adhd,he is medicated and the difference is so much better for him he has a support I to I a few hours a week which helps, In primary school he was given so much help with quiet room,additional activities.Before medication he was struggling with behaviour.Senior school was a challenge so little help .I would seek a diagnosis,take no notice of the school theyhave very little experience.Can you pay for a diagnosis?You can then claim DLA for her and find out of school activities she would enjoy.

Not quiet the same, but sometimes the noises the children make when talking or eating set me on edge. I frequently have to tell them to be quiet when I'm driving.
I've had a tough day with mine today so I empathise. My eldest is extremely high energy and physical and kind of bounces off the walls. I also could never have him in bed as a kid as he bounced around and couldn't relax. It was awful. The youngest is much calmer and cuddlier here too.

My adult niece has ADHD and she always talked a lot as a child and still does now. She's lovely and bright and engaging and interesting but also exhausting so I do feel for you.

I read it and thought Aspergers. Very common for kids with ASD/ADHD to do similar.

Both my DC are like this and fairly sure both are ASD based on a lot of things - no assessments yet. Obviously school and nursery dismissed for a long time because girls are just “chatting like girls do” etc etc. Eldest is harder work with the incessant talking as she’s a teen with hormones and anxiety at play, I love her but it’s exhausting.