Is this too much for a 10 year old?

[DinDjarin]

Expected to:

• get ready for bed when asked inc. shower and remembering towel, hair brushed and plaited, teeth
• sort out school bag unprompted and give me notes and do (or tell me she has) homework
• do preventative homework when not set any
• make sure bags are packed for activities
• do music practice when asked
• get up and ready with alarm (only one she regularly does with no fuss)
• put screens away at end of allotted time (10, 5 minute warning plus alarm)
• put folded laundry away from sofa without being asked

Sounds like you want a robot you can programme OP.

Seems like way too much. I wouldn't expect them to get their bag organised. Or do extra homework - many adults wouldn't do that.

Wow.

A teenager starting their GCSE'S I would be on all that with them until it was second nature, but 10 is just to young...( Preventative homework though?! If they take those habits up to uni you're asking for burn out. They are already given what they are thought to be able to handle. )

And the 5 afterschool activities may well of been her choice, but you are in charge of her well being. 10 year olds don't have any idea about balance. I'm sure my Son would gobble up any activity I offer to him around school....would he be fit for anything else, including making the right choices? Nope, he would be exhausted. And it's not always obvious when kids are 🤷🏼‍♀️

My 11 year old does all of these things (except the preventative hw, no clue what this is). However she has anxiety around punctuality / not having the right kit for activities etc, so I’m not sure its actually very healthy.
My teen has a completely different personality and needs to be reminded about everything 🙄

My children are now university aged and 'adulting' very well.
Looking back I think I was too fixated on getting things done when they were little - I too was very task driven and on occasion fear that home life was too regimented. I worried so much about homework and bed times etc. Now I wish that I'd been a lot more relaxed and made more room for fun. Their childhood goes in a flash. Teen years are looming. You don't have many more years when she'll want your company and help and laughs and cuddles with mum. I still remember my daughters staggered joy when I agreed she could stay up all night if she wanted in the summer holidays ' just because' as that's what she wanted. ( she lasted till 10.30 😃). Just enjoy her.

That is a very honest and refreshing post.

Preventative homework? I don't know any kid who's ever done that! I'm pretty sure I had to prompt DS to do some of these things until he left home at 18. I would've prompted him when packing bags for activities, to do music practice, to put screens away, do agreed chores, hang up his clothes etc. Maybe I was too easy on him, but now that he's moved out he's doing everything for himself, and doing it well. I didn't want him to move out so soon (he only lives down the road) but he said he would never REALLY do everything for himself while he was living at home with us. He was right.

Op: Print this out and reflect on it once an hour, for the next month.

I don't think that's too much for a ten year old, no.

It seems regimented written down but I think in general real life I don't think it's too much to expect. But I'm of the opinion that far too little is expected of kids and than suddenly parents expect their child to wake up at 13 and start functioning just like you've listed.
If she's not managing things that are essential in your opinion, than it's time to be a parent and tell her she will have to drop something. You can't say yes to everything, see that she's not coping, and than get annoyed if she's not fulfilling your expectations.
Boarding school is irrelevant, it's completely different.

I'm still working on some of that in my 40s.

My 9yo and 12yo need a lot of guidence and sometimes support but they are both dyslexic at the minimum. My 12yo needs more help than my 9yo. My 9yo can do his hair, my 12yo lacks the coordination to do it due to dyspraxia. I praise them for using their initiative when they see things need doing and do it spontaneously.

On Brownie camp with 7-10 yos, they need chivvying a lot, but there is mirroring from their peers that guides them through what they are doing and it's easier getting 20 children to do it on camp than getting my own two through it. Things do go wrong (learning experiences) and some do need more hands on support. They can come home looking pretty unkempt but there is no harm in that.

I certainly would not expect extra homework from them. I've only started pushing homework from y7 when it matters, and DS1 takes it more seriously now. I'm not wasting time reliving the horror of "home-learning" with DS2 until he's mature enough to cope with it, and at y5, that's not yet. Working them up into unnecessary distress is not educational or beneficial so homework is of low priority unless they are self motivated.

What is preventative homework?

Maybe the op meant pre-emptive?

@watcherintherye exactly what I meant. Knew it wasn't quite right 😂

That's your preventative homework OP.

that's a bit harsh

Not as harsh as her life sounds cold.

Where's the warmth and affection of her having her Mum dry her hair and plait it ready for bed? Where's the cuddling up on the sofa in front of the TV as she hasn't got any homework to do and there's only a couple of hours in the evening where you get to see her? Where's the times when she can sit in the kitchen as you cook, chattering away to you about her day, the songs she likes, whether the teacher is really old at 26 or if he's about 70 (32 and losing a bit of hair)? You know, the bits that could come back to her in 15 years when she's asked why she doesn't have anything to do with you and if she has any particular memories from her childhood?

If this carries on, it's very possible that she'll work out that actually, she doesn't need you for anything at all. At that point, you become irrelevant to her life other than as an irritant. I'd put that at around 12 years old (unless she's already managed to persuade you to send her to boarding school by then). Realising that actually, the only purpose a parent serves is that you'd have to go into care if poor/boarding school if you're wealthy without them doesn't do much for a peaceful adolescence and seeing other people with their warm, loving, caring families can cause a lot of pain and sadness that they weren't felt to be deserving of warmth rather than just a list of expectations and tasks to fail.

Just do what normal Mothers and Fathers do. Be maternal/paternal.

My 9 and 8, even 6 year old brings their bags to the hall in mornings packed, takes their laundry pile and puts it away properly, gets up, dressed, teeth brushed, gets own cereal and puts dish/ spoon in dishwasher when finished. However this is with prompting, usually not more than once. Sometimes with no prompting and sometimes with the 6 year old he will need a second reminder for some things.
My dd's brush their own hair and styles in pony tail/ clips but I will braid it as they struggle with that.

Completely unrealistic for a 10-year old. She is not a machine!!

My 10 year old could do that if I stood over then and repeatedly asked. But it doesn’t leave much room for fun

My 17 year old doesn't do half of that !

Really?

Maybe it's the way she's written them out but OP is basically asking her DD to get herself ready in the morning and at bedtime (entirely normal); do homework and music practice (entirely normal) and stick to screen time limits (normal in most households at 10).

The only extras are putting clean washing away (which I assume means to take it upstairs and put it in her drawers i.e. 2 minute job) and sorting out her school bag (5 minute job at most and something my DC did from age 7 - organising primary school bags not being terribly complicated like secondary school ones. And something that it's good to get into the habit of at this age prior to secondary school).

The only other thing is "preventative homework" which virtually everyone on the thread has pointed out is optimistic and I agree is a step too far.

I think most 10 year old wouldn't do some of those tasks without nagging/reminders, but they are hardly so time consuming that there is no room for fun.