Is this too much for a 10 year old?

[DinDjarin]

Expected to:

• get ready for bed when asked inc. shower and remembering towel, hair brushed and plaited, teeth
• sort out school bag unprompted and give me notes and do (or tell me she has) homework
• do preventative homework when not set any
• make sure bags are packed for activities
• do music practice when asked
• get up and ready with alarm (only one she regularly does with no fuss)
• put screens away at end of allotted time (10, 5 minute warning plus alarm)
• put folded laundry away from sofa without being asked

Funny you focussed on the one post that said yes she should...

10 year olds don't have executive planning skills, 10 year olds don't have 100% focus on a task, esp one they don't really want to do. Up to pre-teens they are learning how to physically do tasks. Then they learn these more thinking-type skills as they get older.

You expect far too much. It's like expecting a toddler to jump when they haven't mastered that skill, and arguing that they physically should be able to do it because they can walk so have the leg strength.

Expect to prompt daily.
Knock the extra homework on the head. School is tough enough.
Put a helpful step by step guide on her bedroom door.
Does she want to pursue music, or is that you?
Laundry on sofa doesn't seem very visible to me, bottom of stairs maybe?
It's nice she gets screen time, does she get extra minutes if she finishes her chores early?

Do they have these tasks written down as a list? That way they know what is expected of them and the need to prompt would be lessened. I think at 10 yrs you are expecting quite a lot to do all of that with no prompting at all. I struggle as an adult to remember set tasks sometimes.

I don't think anything you've listed is unreasonable, it's not unreasonable to wish they'd do it all competently & unprompted. But in reality, it's not going to happen (maybe one child in a few thousand). these days.

kids are too molly coddled these days (& I hold my hands up).

just look at what 'young carers' do. Kids CAN if necessary.

why are you expecting so much of her?

Expecting a ten year old to do extra homework unprompted?? 😂😂

DD is 11 and a few weeks:

• get ready for bed when asked inc. shower and remembering towel, hair brushed and plaited, teeth
She puts herself to bed, but won't have a shower unless reminded. This always causes a bit of moaning. Her hair is not long enough to need help with, but I'd help her with her hair if she needed it.^

• sort out school bag unprompted and give me notes and do (or tell me she has) homework
Yes, she does that no problem

• do preventative homework when not set any

• make sure bags are packed for activities
• do music practice when asked
• get up and ready with alarm (only one she regularly does with no fuss)
• put screens away at end of allotted time (10, 5 minute warning plus alarm)
• put folded laundry away from sofa without being asked

The homework and washing are a bit too much to expect. Hair yeah they should be doing that.

Accidentally posted too soon

Continuing from my previous reply

• do preventative homework when not set any
no chsnce. I wouldn't asked her to do homework above what is set anyway.

• make sure bags are packed for activities
yes, no problem, she might need reminding, but not usually

• do music practice when asked
Ongoing battleground

• get up and ready with alarm (only one she regularly does with no fuss)
She usually needs an extra knock on the door and reminder in person

• put screens away at end of allotted time (10, 5 minute warning plus alarm)
Reluctantly

• put folded laundry away from sofa without being asked
No chance

She's a child not a soldier

Some of these would be too much for some adults op. Especially the preventative homework and the no prompts thing.

Wen I was that age my mum just gave me a daily list of jobs and I'd do them.

She does sound like a typical 10 year old. I hope it's just the way you've written it but it's sounding cold and that you don't expect to have to help her at all.

Definitely too much. No 10 yo needs to do more homework than is set, in fact there is no need for homework other than practicing tables and spelling IMO.

Most 10 yos would need prompting for all of that, I'm impressed she gets up to an alarm on her own, neither of mine would even wake up when the alarm went off at 10. They do now of course at 14 and 16 and obviously they do the rest unprompted as I don't get involved with all that now.

With the exception of putting the laundry away without being asked, they don't even do it when asked 1st time.

I agree. The words very regimented came to mind.

My dd is 14 and year 10. This is manageable for her now. At 10, no, absolutely not

Is it too much? Yes definitely.

YABVU

My 15 year old still needs help with these things.

I also have a 19 and 21 one year old. Both good at organising their lives and being independent in spite of me doing way too much for them when they were younger.

Your child will just end up resenting you OP.

LOL. Sounds like a tightly run ship. Any tips for getting a 45 bloke to do these things without prompting?

I always put my dc’s washing away at that age (I still do occasionally now for my 15 year old). Because dc have pressures of schoolwork/exams and I want to make their life a little easier.

My approach has NOT made them into lazy spoilt adults. My young adult dc are wonderful, kind thoughtful and helpful. And they genuinely appreciate all the things I did for them growing up.

When does she get to just be a little girl?

Not too much but would need companionship and your presence, not be treated like an adult alone in a flat - not that you suggested that.

I quite like chivvying my kids, helping them plan and prepare, talking to them, spending time with them whilst we do domestic trivia/ live the details of our lives. We do other stuff too obviously but I like having involvement with them.

But she'll be going on a week long residential soon. If she does t practice doing her hair at home, how will she cope when she's there. I can't imagine the teachers being happy to help with that kind of thing.

@AndyWarholsPiehole yes I was 10 once. However, I was at boarding school so expected to do that and more.

@2catsandhappy she wants to do the music, she asked to start. It was never something I suggested.

I can't find who asked about the alarm for screen time. My eldest has ASD and we found that using alarms takes the anger out of the situation when he is asked to stop/start something. "It's time to do x" is much easier for him to deal with than DH or I asking him to stop. We agree an amount of time with the DC for screens, set the timer. I give them a 10 minute and 5 minute warning when it's about to end so they can save, but then I expect them to turn it off.

I'd drop the extra homework.

The rest is fine but you should allow for some prompting. The aim is to get her to a position where she does it without prompting but 10 is quite young for that. Just keep on with gentle reminders and remember to praise he when she does do things unprompted.

Incredibly cold and regimented.
Mine are in their 20s- graduated and live away and independently. However when home- university hols, lockdown etc. We run along very happily and don’t do any of those things.

Get ready for bed when asked inc. shower and remembering towel, hair brushed and plaited, teeth nope- I plait DD’s hair at her request.

sort out school bag unprompted and give me notes and do (or tell me she has) homework
do preventative homework when not set any
make sure bags are packed for activities I still remind them to take oyster, chargers etc.

do music practice when asked n/a- but one got a distinction at grade 8 without my input- the others never took grades and stopped after a few years.

get up and ready with alarm (only one she regularly does with no fuss)They’re pleased to be woken up with a coffee, only rule is not to snarl when I go in

put screens away at end of allotted time (10, 5 minute warning plus alarm) *I don’t know what to advise here- they’ve all had their moments, although now self regulate well, fortunately they didn’t have smart phones til their mid teens. Don’t expect cheerfulness but do persevere in managing screen time.

put folded laundry away from sofa without being asked why? I remind anyone who’s ironing I’ve done several times- it’s not the end of the world, again seems cold and regimented to expect otherwise

Dont sweat the small stuff @DinDjarin focus on areas where the skills she doesn’t have yet need nurturing like screen time and unclench a lot.

Expecting far too much. I hope you are kind to her when she doesn’t manage it.

My son found organising himself pretty difficult at 10 but he did a 5 day residential and coped fine. The teachers do help quite a bit of needed. They helped kids with long hair and gave general reminders about hanging their damp towels after showers, hanging damp clothes from activities, brushing teeth, packing suitcases etc. They also obviously gave support to some kids that just missed home. The teachers won’t be expecting them to be adults for the week. The teachers actually told us in a class parent meeting about the residential that they will be playing teacher and parent for the week. Most kids rise to the expectations and get through with their friends and teachers help and support. You don’t need to make her a robot at home.

I was actually going to ask if you had been to boarding school or in the military, I see you went to boarding school.

It’s a bit strict to be honest. When does the child get downtime or fun each evening if she’s so busy setting herself homework and helping with chores and following rules?