Is this too much for a 10 year old?

[DinDjarin]

Expected to:

• get ready for bed when asked inc. shower and remembering towel, hair brushed and plaited, teeth
• sort out school bag unprompted and give me notes and do (or tell me she has) homework
• do preventative homework when not set any
• make sure bags are packed for activities
• do music practice when asked
• get up and ready with alarm (only one she regularly does with no fuss)
• put screens away at end of allotted time (10, 5 minute warning plus alarm)
• put folded laundry away from sofa without being asked

all ok except the extra homework and the hair plaiting - a ponytail/bun will suffice

Preventative homework?? Way over the top - tiding room/ putting folding washing ext ok - but this list in general makes me cringe a bit and instinctively think poor kid! Why so regimental - 10 year old is still a child

This

Oh the teachers will nag them en masse on a school trip - very few will be able to manage without Miss X standing over them. So don't worry about that. And girls often brush and plait each others hair don't they at this age?

@AndyWarholsPiehole yes I was 10 once. However, I was at boarding school so expected to do that and more.“

That’s your problem. Your upbringing was not typical and you have skewed expectations as a result.

However, I was at boarding school

That's the issue. You weren't parented, you were accommodated in an institution, rather than cared for by a mother.

Your daughter is at school, then at activities, then is expected to not interact with you, but to do chores, homework, find more work to do when she doesn't have any, possibly eat (and make conversation at the table in the short time you're within reach), entertain herself with no input from you via the iPad and then shove off and sort herself out for the night, then get up and sort herself out in the morning. And if she shows any signs of needing to be parented/mothered, she's told that she should sort it out for herself and not bother you need direction or interaction.

And she's only ten. Like a little ghost in what's supposed to be her home.

many of them will come back filthy. It’s only a few days. Your dd will be fine.

Do you also yell "Stand by your beds!" or perhaps make good use of a whistle?

True. And just realising this could partly explains why I as a ND ten year old struggled with my mum who went to boarding school from about that age. She expected me to do far too much independently.

My 13 year old would be distracted the second she walks in her room......my younger child would do it.....

All kids are different.
To expect a 10 year old to follow your routine of tasks is too much. They are a kid. Keep the list for you and gently remind them of what you want done .

As for hair on the residential.....she will be fine. She will do it or not. She will have friends that might help....or not. If it's imperative the kods have long hair tied back for the activity then of course the teachers will help - they are young kids after all. They might not french plait like you would.....but they can scrape a pony tail in seconds

I read your post OP, then wondered where is your timetable? A lot on your timetable will need encouragement and help, but my biggest worry is there seems to be no time for fun, discovery, reading for pleasure and sport. As to the ghastly term preventive homework, there will be plenty of homework at secondary school.

Sounds very regimented and controlled. Let him relax and be a kid a bit!

Poor kid

Sounds awful tbh - they are only children for such a short amount of time. Preventative homework at 10 years old? Seriously?

@MrsSkylerWhite I was wondering that...

@NeverDropYourMooncup that's a bit harsh.
Your daughter is at school, then at activities, like a lot of children, I'd imagine.. then is expected to not interact with you, where have I said this? but to do chores, put her laundry way on the days she has some, I'm not asking her to clean her room and scrub the floors and cook us dinner. homework, on the few days she has some. find more work to do when she doesn't have any only on the days she's at home and has none set, and then only something she knows will be set within the next few weeks. possibly eat (and make conversation at the table in the short time you're within reach), yes, don't worry, I do feed her. entertain herself with no input from you via the iPad absolutely not. No screen time on a school night. and then shove off and sort herself out for the night, get herself into bed at a sensible time so one of us can read to her for half an hour. then get up and sort herself out in the morning. This is, as I said in my OP, the only thing she does of her own accord because she doesn't like being rushed in the morning. And if she shows any signs of needing to be parented/mothered, she's told that she should sort it out for herself and not bother you need direction or interaction. No idea where you got that from.

@titchy thats good to know, I was thinking she'd be in trouble or laughed at by the others if she couldn't do that alone.

This.

@titchy thats good to know, I was thinking she'd be in trouble or laughed at by the others if she couldn't do that alone.

It sounds like your understanding of the average 10 year old is a bit skewed, probably from being at boarding yourself and having to grow up a bit faster than is normal/ideal.

You need to seriously unclench OP or the teenage years will be a long hard slog.

Dd could and did do a lot of this voluntarily at 10, now at 12 her mind is on other pointless things and life admin efc is not done without constant prompting and repetition.

Ds couldn't do it at 10 and couldn't do it now tbh but he's dyspraxic - not entirely convinced it's solely that tbh, I think he's also pretty lazy but he does at least sort homework / bags / showers etc now. The getting out of bed is still a palaver.

@DinDjarin
I strongly recommend some therapy around how your upbringing is affecting your relationship with your DD

Come on OP, let her experience the joy and freedom of no homework on the days it isn't set.

What are you hoping to prevent? Fun?
😂
**

I think you need to reduce your expectations somewhat. Either that or be prepared to constantly nag which will do nothing for your relationship with Dc.

Can’t she just tie her hair up in a ponytail?
What’s with the enforced plaiting?

Your DD sounds like a totally normal 10yo.

I agree with you re the plaiting: if she’s going on a residential trip she needs to learn how to deal with it herself. How long is her hair? Can she tie it up in a loose bun? Or just a ponytail?

I expect 10min and 5min warnings to be heeded - but I also expect some needling for just one more minute, proclamations about how strict I am, arguing the toss about what difference 5 more mins will make etc. This is boundary-pushing at 10yo. A slightly more mature version of boundary pushing as a toddler.

We do “preventative” homework, but only under duress. It’s been a year now and the penny is starting to drop.

Time management and self-organisation are hugely important skills. 10yo is the right age to start learning. But she’ll need help and reminders, and remember the stakes aren’t too high yet. Don’t make a drama of it. It’s just learning right now.

I think few parents expect their children to do all of these things because so many of them are part and parcel of not just parenting but also bonding and showing love and care.
Such as the hair care, whilst beyond a certain age you can do it yourself, there's an opportunity for touch and rapport in that task.
I enjoy doing certain things for the children, even ones who aren't mine! As it's a way of showing kindness and affection.
Kids who have to do a lot of self care can be amazingly resilient and able, but equally I think knowing that your parent will take care of you is very good for self esteem and reassurance.
My DD is 15 but I still make her packed lunch for school. Not because she can't but because I want to. She appreciates the fact it makes her morning just a little bit easier. She's not spoilt or incapable.