Kid left my house alone, his mum is angry

[User4873628]

DS brought 3 friends home after school. They're all aged 10 and 11, final year of primary school here in Scotland. They know our house well, they live within a 5 minute walk. I checked when they were to be home, they all said they had to leave at 5pm and were walking home alone. This is quite usual, usually I would go downstairs at 5pm and send them all home.

They set themselves up in the front room with the xbox and a bowl of popcorn. I went back upstairs where I was working. Doors open, I could hear them chatting away, all normal.

About 4.45pm one of the mums came to the door to collect her ds. He wasn't here. Turns out he'd walked home and not told anyone. I hadn't heard him go, hadn't heard anyone shout goodbye. The side door is always open for the dog so I didn't hear a door open or close. No-one told me he'd gone, he didn't tell me he was going. He just left. I don't know if the other boys really registered that he'd gone either, they seemed equally confused when he wasn't in the house. They seem to have assumed he was at the toilet. I certainly didn't hear 4 voices saying goodbye in the hall as he left.

This boy had walked home, found no-one there, so walked back to ours. Just as we were worrying about where he was he came back up the path, not at all bothered, he just said that he'd wanted to go home early so he left.

His mum is really angry with me for not supervising her child properly. I get that she got a fright when he wasn't here, so did I. She's just contacted me by text to say that he won't be allowed to our house again if he is not properly supervised. I want to reply but I'm not sure what to say.

It just didn't occur to me that I couldn't leave a bunch of 10 and 11 yr olds who are familiar with our house and who live nearby downstairs playing xbox. It didn't enter my head that one of them might leave early and not tell me. It didn't enter my head that one of the might leave early at all, usually they need pushed out the door when it's time to go home.

I'm trying to think what I would expect of my 10 yr old in this situation. I think I would expect him to tell the adult that he was leaving early, not to just walk off without telling anyone. But I'm not sure.

Anyway, the kid did the right thing, he walked home then came straight back here when he found his house was locked up.

I'm not sure what more I could have done in this situation.

Who's in the wrong here? The kid for leaving without telling anyone or me for not monitoring the door more closely?

I guess me, I'm the adult. But I just didn't think that someone would leave without telling me. And they were all due to walk home by themselves anyway. What a mess, kids come and go round our house all the time and now I feel like I wasn't looking after them properly.

If OP was working upstairs perhaps that's why he didn't say goodbye to her.

Maybe the others were all engrossed with the xbox & he thought he'd just slip off?

Obviously wrong of him.

So if this "arrangement" is until 5-what's happening?

Are the parents busy until then & telling the kids not to come home until then?

This would be the response of more than a few.

I think she should have apologised for her anger and told you she spoke to him and that he was warned never to leave anyone's house again without telling the adult in charge.

This is really basic.

His age should know this.

This reminds me of years ago when I had a child for the first time, and he refused a ham, cheese, savoury type sandwich.

He asked for Nutella as that was what he ate after school supposedly.

I gave it to him.

When his mother called to collect him she was all "oh my goodness Nutella on WHITE bread😱, 🙄I said "oh dear I do apologise, he just wouldn't eat what mine were having and said this is what he eats"🙄 and ushered them both out the door SO briskly.

We didn't repeat the experience.

His mother should be praising the fact he came back to yours but reminding him that he needs to be polite

Equally though - being "polite" could mean not disturbing someone when they are busy working in their home office - perhaps on a phone call/zoom call.

Such a storm in a teacup.

OP you sound like a good parent, and the fact that you are questioning yourself is positive because it means you are open to learning.

It's just one of those things where the net slipped but ultimately no-one got hurt, and it has opened the door for more conversations around responsibility. Totally normal and a happy ending.

The mother has been rude to you; I am guessing she got a fright and has jumped the gun a bit. Always better to talk these things through.

Reminds me of a time when my 10yo got home to find the house locked, went to a friend's nearby as was the arrangement should this ever happen, but she SENT HIM AWAY. He ran back to school, where I had just been looking for him, then left. I felt so shocked and disappointed in the friend for literally turning her back on him in his moment of need.

Even the very youngest child in P7 is 11 in the next few weeks. Some are already 12. Old enough to know better.

Brilliant 😂

This is perfect.

Responses to this sort of thing are so varied. I think it's completely fine for a 10, almost 11 yr old to walk less than 5 minutes round the corner at 5pm. It's 5pm, not midnight.

What should have happened is that I would have gone downstairs at 4.50pm and told everyone to get ready to go home. They should all have left my house by 5pm and been home by 5.05pm, no drama. There's never been any drama. So I'm not entirely sure why there has been so much drama today.

As for why he left without saying anything, ds just shrugged and said "he does that sometimes". I've never known him to do that before.

We have 4 xbox controllers and there were 4 kids here. But I don't know how many were playing at the time. I could tell from the shouting that they were playing FIFA. That's as much as I know but I could hear from the tone of their voices that they all seemed to be getting on fine. I have 3 kids, I'm generally pretty quick at picking up when tensions are rising. They all sounded fine. Ds says they were fine, the lad seemed fine when he came back. It sounds like for whatever reason he just left.

And thank you for the tips about the dog door. Maybe we'll not bother. He does stick his head through the cat flap but can't quite get his body through, it's too high up. But I think if it was his only way of getting out he'd maybe use a dog door? He does love being outside.

So if you’d been sitting in the room with the boys the entire time they were gaming, and he walked out, presumably to go to the loo, what would you have done?

I wouldn’t be in the room with them, but would have been in the same area of the house, where I’d be more aware of what was going on. There’s a gap between sitting in the room constantly supervising and taking myself upstairs to focus on my work, it’s not all or nothing.

Where's the law that states this? OP can't be expected to follow a 10 year old around the house. He's not a toddler.

Five or six year-olds might need more attention but at 10? He should have known that he shouldn't just leave and not tell anyone. I'm guessing that his mum was cross with him but was panic-stricken because he'd disappeared (as any parent would be), and has now taken her annoyance out on you.

If my 11 or 12 year old boys left someone's house and came home with no phonecall/text/verbal etc then I would be apologising to the other mum and telling my son that leaving without telling her is irresponsible and dangerous! She doesn't need to be glued to their foreheads at that age, your not in the wrong. But if you want to keep the peace, just reply with, my son would usually tell me if he's leaving somewhere so I didn't think he would just leave without saying anything. I understand your upset so it's up to you.

*So if this "arrangement" is until 5-what's happening?

Are the parents busy until then & telling the kids not to come home until then?*

This is all so weird to me. The kids often go to each others houses after school. They're nearly 11.

I work at home on Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays. It doesn't matter to me if ds comes home here by himself, comes home with some friends or goes to someone else's house. So long as he tells me where he is and he's home by 5ish. On Mondays and Tuesdays he goes to after school club, he doesn't roam the streets alone.

The other families are similar. No-one is just left to fend for themselves until 5pm.

So yes it's a pretty loose "arrangement" but it works.

I love that ds has friends, I love that they are comfortable in our home, I love that he's welcome and looked after in theirs. I now know I need to keep a bit more of an eye on Boy A but I'm hoping that if and when he does come back he's learned a lesson.

Have re read to be sure he had just cone to yours uninvited......

So, a child comes to your house, uninvited, with no discussion between parents, is wellused to walking home on his own, and does so without telling you?

His mother turns up, and is annoyed with you?

She's a CF that has some nerve sending that text.

Most parents would have been in contact with you confirming what was planned after school.

Too young to walk home............but old enough to go somewhere after school, without any involvement of his parents.🙄

Same at that age DS would often pop up with a friend and ask can they come in - I would say yes as long as they've told their mum (they all have phones!)

I wouldn't at all feel the need to be in the room with them and I feel this could have a happened to anyone

As for prosecuting LOL come on.

He didn't tell his friends he was leaving either, though. It was a stupid thing for him to do and I'd be reconsidering how much freedom he had if I was his parent. Yes he only wandered home, but no one knew that.

I agree with this. I didn’t think I needed to sit in the same room as 10 year olds! The child should not have left without telling anyone- not safe and not well mannered. She’s in the wrong here - she needs to be teaching her son how to behave at other people’s houses.

She should be justifiably upset with her son. He's 11. He's more than old enough to know he needs to let an adult know if he's leaving.

You can't expect other parents to sit in the room watching your children constantly at this sort of age.

*Badsox
I think you were lucky that nothing significant happened to the child. Legally , if it had you would have been prosecuted for lack of supervision. Yes, he should have said he was leaving and said goodbye but the responsibility for him when he is in your home lies with you.*

Complete nonsense tbh.

I also think a 10 year old needs basic supervision and by that I mean knowing if they are in the house or not. 10 year olds are too young to be left totally unsupervised for Any length of time like this. And I’m shocked anyone would suggest they are

This is absolutely insane. What is wrong with some of you? My 11 year old has been able to be in the house completely, on her own, for an hour or two since she was 10. Never had any problems whatsoever. Her friends are able to be left home alone as well. Shock horror...she even has a key to let herself in if we're out.

You did nothing wrong OP. Has the boy's mum replied to your message yet?

I can see why she is lashing out at you as it was clearly very scary for her. However, at that age I would assume kids that again wouldn't leave the house without telling me.

Shame she hasn’t realised she over reacted.

I'm guessing you're in Scotland. Pretty sure OP is in England or Wales. P7 doesn't exist here. These boys are in Y6, which means they are 10, turning 11 at some point by August.
But yes, they should be old enough to know better.

I think your response to her is very reasonable. I hope that after a good night's sleep she'll see sense.

By the way I really like the setup you've got with the kids being in and out of each other's houses.. :-)