Kid left my house alone, his mum is angry

[User4873628]

DS brought 3 friends home after school. They're all aged 10 and 11, final year of primary school here in Scotland. They know our house well, they live within a 5 minute walk. I checked when they were to be home, they all said they had to leave at 5pm and were walking home alone. This is quite usual, usually I would go downstairs at 5pm and send them all home.

They set themselves up in the front room with the xbox and a bowl of popcorn. I went back upstairs where I was working. Doors open, I could hear them chatting away, all normal.

About 4.45pm one of the mums came to the door to collect her ds. He wasn't here. Turns out he'd walked home and not told anyone. I hadn't heard him go, hadn't heard anyone shout goodbye. The side door is always open for the dog so I didn't hear a door open or close. No-one told me he'd gone, he didn't tell me he was going. He just left. I don't know if the other boys really registered that he'd gone either, they seemed equally confused when he wasn't in the house. They seem to have assumed he was at the toilet. I certainly didn't hear 4 voices saying goodbye in the hall as he left.

This boy had walked home, found no-one there, so walked back to ours. Just as we were worrying about where he was he came back up the path, not at all bothered, he just said that he'd wanted to go home early so he left.

His mum is really angry with me for not supervising her child properly. I get that she got a fright when he wasn't here, so did I. She's just contacted me by text to say that he won't be allowed to our house again if he is not properly supervised. I want to reply but I'm not sure what to say.

It just didn't occur to me that I couldn't leave a bunch of 10 and 11 yr olds who are familiar with our house and who live nearby downstairs playing xbox. It didn't enter my head that one of them might leave early and not tell me. It didn't enter my head that one of the might leave early at all, usually they need pushed out the door when it's time to go home.

I'm trying to think what I would expect of my 10 yr old in this situation. I think I would expect him to tell the adult that he was leaving early, not to just walk off without telling anyone. But I'm not sure.

Anyway, the kid did the right thing, he walked home then came straight back here when he found his house was locked up.

I'm not sure what more I could have done in this situation.

Who's in the wrong here? The kid for leaving without telling anyone or me for not monitoring the door more closely?

I guess me, I'm the adult. But I just didn't think that someone would leave without telling me. And they were all due to walk home by themselves anyway. What a mess, kids come and go round our house all the time and now I feel like I wasn't looking after them properly.

The fact that none of you, not even your DS and his other friends, knew that he had left means it's totally on him. The mum should be berating him for slipping out.

Totally agree with this. My. DS best friend has ALWAYS said “Bye NotaCoolMum thank you!” When he leaves. It HIS mums job to teach him manners and how to act appropriately you’ve done nothing wrong.

Given his friends thought he had gone to the toilet, it's fairly clear he's either been very rude and irresponsible or there's more to the situation.

It seems unusual that a child out of nowhere would walk out of a different family's house without even telling their friends where they were going.

The mum wasn't unreasonable for being shocked and worried, and I probably want to be closer than you were in the situation, but the responsibility for this situation lies with the 10 year old who has walked off without anyone knowing.

Under what law exactly? That well-known law that says that if an 11 year old goes to the toilet an unrelated adult must follow them into the bathroom and watch them pee to ensure they don’t slip out of the house without telling somebody?

And I would expect a 10 yr old to know that you don't just walk out. That's unbelievably rude (not to mention dangerous)

They're 10. Not 5. 5 yr olds you fully supervise. 10 yr olds can be left to watch TV/play games. No one should be leaving the property.

Say you're please that her son was capable enough of walking home and then walking back but until he can be trusted to stay in your property safely, it's best he doesn't come over.

On a separate note, really not safe for them to be walking home alone in the dark at 5pm! Surely you just whizz them all home in the car?!

👍 I’m really pleased for her that you think so!

Yes, fair enough, apologies.

And as someone else has pointed out, even if the OP has been sitting in the room with them the entire time, able to see and hear them - she still wouldn’t have realised he’d left, as she’d have assumed he’d left the room to go to the bathroom, as the other boys obviously did.

Well you couldn’t keep him shut in the house if he wanted to leave,could you?
At 10 he should have said to your ds he was going home or called up to thank you for having him, he was going home.
If he’d said he was leaving 15 minutes early and told you his mum still wouldn’t have been home.

I'd say that's a good idea, until he is responsible enough to let people know what he's doing he needs paid supervision not playing with a friend.

So if you’d been sitting in the room with the boys the entire time they were gaming, and he walked out, presumably to go to the loo, what would you have done?

Followed him and stood outside the bathroom until he emerged?

What about the other boys, now left unsupervised?

What if one of them decided to up and leave……?

@bellswithwhistles
On a separate note, really not safe for them to be walking home alone in the dark at 5pm!

How on earth can you know that? There’s nothing inherently unsafe in being outside in the dark for 5 minutes.

What part of the law does this come under

Completely agree.

My own 10 year old is allowed out to play until 5pm. And in Scotland there still a bit of light at 5pm.

On a separate note, really not safe for them to be walking home alone in the dark at 5pm! Surely you just whizz them all home in the car?!

Totally depends on where you live, but if OP is in a town they may live really really close. We can see DS’s best friend’s house from out of our front window, and there are two other friends right around the corner - nobody in their right mind would get in a car to do that trip home, it is about 100m.

DS is 5 so I walk his friends home from play dates at the minute, but when they are 10-11 I definitely expect them to be able to walk home by themselves, whether it is light or dark. There is a lot of street lighting in urban residential streets, it’s not like an unlit country lane.

this doesn’t need to be a conflict, no one is wrong here. Kid didn’t think, you were surprised and bewildered and other mom was shaken and scared. Tell the other mom exactly what you told us- you didn’t know it was something that would happen, say you will check in with the kids a little more often and that now that you all are clear it won’t happen again. It’s a learning experience for you all, Now you all know that if a kid is going to leave he needs to tell you first.

She is annoyed at the wrong person.

I would be seriously unimpressed with her being annoyed with you instead of teaching her son the VERY basic rule that you NEVER leave a house you are visiting without telling the adult there.

This was an impromptu visit too?
If it was, she is a CF.

She may well have got a shock, but her anger is misplaced.

Her message is ill judged and I would not be impressed.

@User4873628 great response to the mum’s text. If her son isn’t allowed at yours, he’s likely to kick up at some point, which might make her reconsider the situation and decide that her reaction is wrong. Expectations needed to be managed, but you’re not to blame for a child sneaking out. I would ensure all doors are secure, though. Xx

I don't think it's odd that you didn't know, you were upstairs working, I find it most odd that he didn't tell his friends he was going. Just leaving without a word is bizarre to me.

Sorry, the kisses were reflex 🤦‍♀️

Ds says he just got up and wandered off

Was the boy excluded from the game? How many Xbox controllers do you have?

The lad most certainly did a lot wrong - he was shockingly rude
He didn't let the adult know he was going

Not necessarily rude - did the op say anything to indicate she was working and didn't want to be disturbed?

Woah! Just say that you were upstairs and there is little you can do if a child leaves without telling anyone. Don't come around then. I'd be really annoyed getting a text like that.

I would message back
"Understood. I will leave you to discuss this with your ds."
And leave it at that.

The boy was wrong to leave without telling anyone, not even your son. However, he went straight home and then came back when he found no one was in. It's not as if he wandered off somewhere.

His mother should be praising the fact he came back to yours but reminding him that he needs to be polite and that an adult needs to know where he is if he moves from where he is expected to be. Not having a go at you.

Most 10 yo boys should be competent to walk around their local area alone but not without informing an adult of their intentions.

I'd let him stil come round but remind him of the rule. If his mother doesn't want him to, that's up to her, and would be his loss. So she'd be punishing him for something she blames you for - illogical.

“Duly noted”

This, he's not a baby.