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Original poster

Kid left my house alone, his mum is angry

369 replies

User4873628 · 12/01/2023 17:56

DS brought 3 friends home after school. They're all aged 10 and 11, final year of primary school here in Scotland. They know our house well, they live within a 5 minute walk. I checked when they were to be home, they all said they had to leave at 5pm and were walking home alone. This is quite usual, usually I would go downstairs at 5pm and send them all home.

They set themselves up in the front room with the xbox and a bowl of popcorn. I went back upstairs where I was working. Doors open, I could hear them chatting away, all normal.

About 4.45pm one of the mums came to the door to collect her ds. He wasn't here. Turns out he'd walked home and not told anyone. I hadn't heard him go, hadn't heard anyone shout goodbye. The side door is always open for the dog so I didn't hear a door open or close. No-one told me he'd gone, he didn't tell me he was going. He just left. I don't know if the other boys really registered that he'd gone either, they seemed equally confused when he wasn't in the house. They seem to have assumed he was at the toilet. I certainly didn't hear 4 voices saying goodbye in the hall as he left.

This boy had walked home, found no-one there, so walked back to ours. Just as we were worrying about where he was he came back up the path, not at all bothered, he just said that he'd wanted to go home early so he left.

His mum is really angry with me for not supervising her child properly. I get that she got a fright when he wasn't here, so did I. She's just contacted me by text to say that he won't be allowed to our house again if he is not properly supervised. I want to reply but I'm not sure what to say.

It just didn't occur to me that I couldn't leave a bunch of 10 and 11 yr olds who are familiar with our house and who live nearby downstairs playing xbox. It didn't enter my head that one of them might leave early and not tell me. It didn't enter my head that one of the might leave early at all, usually they need pushed out the door when it's time to go home.

I'm trying to think what I would expect of my 10 yr old in this situation. I think I would expect him to tell the adult that he was leaving early, not to just walk off without telling anyone. But I'm not sure.

Anyway, the kid did the right thing, he walked home then came straight back here when he found his house was locked up.

I'm not sure what more I could have done in this situation.

Who's in the wrong here? The kid for leaving without telling anyone or me for not monitoring the door more closely?

I guess me, I'm the adult. But I just didn't think that someone would leave without telling me. And they were all due to walk home by themselves anyway. What a mess, kids come and go round our house all the time and now I feel like I wasn't looking after them properly.

OP posts:
inpixiehollow · 12/01/2023 20:01

If I was the mum I'd be having a word with my son about letting an adult know their whereabouts rather than taking it up with you. If he wasn't allowed to walk back home alone wouldn't be already be aware of this 'rule' too?

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 12/01/2023 20:01

Perfect message op. Nothing more needs to be said.
Agree you're not to blame here. You don't have eyeballs on a group of kids that age all the time, especially not a group of kids who do this often.
Kid just didn't think, probably just thinks of it as nothing to worry about given how close he is and how at ease with the whole situation everyone is. He just needs a chat/light bollocking to make the point and make sure he remembers to say goodbye!
hopefully the mum will calm down after her fright, chat to the DH and maybe a close friend and slowly backpedal from her unreasonable stance.

Taillighttoobright · 12/01/2023 20:03

Wibbly1008 · 12/01/2023 19:50

Text back, ok great I think that’s best. It would be expected in my house that kids would say thank you and let me know they were leaving, but as your son didn’t do that he had everyone worried. I agree it’s best he does not come again.

Oooh, this, but then I've had a bad day at work!

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CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 12/01/2023 20:03

With freedoms come responsibility and kids that age are in the process of learning all that. This is just an opportunity for a vital lesson to be learnt.

Motelschmotel · 12/01/2023 20:03

Hmmmm. This could very easily happen in our house with one of my DC (right down to the 5pm!). My first thought was that the other parent was getting angry at the wrong person. But on reflection I think I’d feel exactly the same as you do.

That said, we live in a very urban area. Tight knit, though. Do these DC have phones or smartwatches? As soon as my eldest started going places alone (school, mainly) we started a “text me when you get there” habit. I’d have expected my DC to text me if they were leaving. Then I’d be quietly unimpressed when the other parent (you in this case) rang me in a panic that my child was missing. But at least I’d know.

Before our lot started getting watches/phones, I did always set ground rules before leaving them to it. In your house, one of them would probably have been “don’t leave without telling me, I’m working upstairs and can’t hear you”.

Anyway. Lesson learned and no harm done. It’ll blow over.

orbitalcrisis · 12/01/2023 20:03

"As your son needs more supervision than others his age who take themselves home, and you didn't feel it necessary to notify me of this, I think that's probably best."

CaptainMyCaptain · 12/01/2023 20:05

UsuallySuze · 12/01/2023 18:03

I'd reply that you're happy whether or not he comes again but that you work on the basis that a 10-11yo can be relied on not to leave the house without telling an adult and so doesn't need constant supervision in that regard. Up to her whether she is happy with that.

This. He's not a baby. He'll be at secondary school soon.

Jellycatspyjamas · 12/01/2023 20:06

I wouldn’t be impressed with an adult not knowing what a group of 10/11 year olds were doing in her house to the point of not knowing they were even in the house.

My 10 year old is in P5, so two years away from high school, at P5 I’d expect a degree of supervision - not hovering over them, but aware of what they were up to and where they are. Mind you I wouldn’t be letting them walk home in the dark either so…

Happyher · 12/01/2023 20:09

Why did she come and pick him up when he was supposed to walk home by himself?

XanaduKira · 12/01/2023 20:09

Great response Op. You did nothing wrong at all and your approach seems perfectly fine to me.

euff · 12/01/2023 20:09

It was rude for him to leave without saying goodbye to DS at least. Your response was good.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/01/2023 20:10

But OP was aware where they are. They were downstairs on the X box. The fact that one of them sneaked out of the house without telling anyone is not her fault. You shouldn't have to lock the door because that might happen with a group of 10-11 year olds. You would expect more of them.

saraclara · 12/01/2023 20:10

WinnieFosterReads · 12/01/2023 18:12

I'd expect an adult to know how many DCs are in the house. At that age, dramas can blow up so I was always within earshot and popped in occasionally.

OP was within earshot at all times. And popping in 'occasionally' would not have prevented this situation. He managed to leave without even his friends noticing, so clearly that took no time at all.

Presumably, even if OP had been in the room with them the entire time, she'd have assumed what the other two did - that he'd gone to the toilet.

whynotwhatknot · 12/01/2023 20:12

did you tell her in front of him that he left without telling anyone-how can she blame you when his friends didnt even know hed gone

TiddleyWink · 12/01/2023 20:15

I would make allowances for the shock she had but she should be apologising to you that her son put you in this position and reading him the riot act so he doesn’t do similar again. It’s not on that she takes this out on you when it’s her child who is 100% in the wrong. He’s old enough to be accountable for doing something so silly and the impact on the adults involved.

I would have said:

’I know you’ve had a fright this afternoon but to be honest so have I and I don’t feel it’s fair to get angry with me - at the boys’ age I think it’s perfectly reasonable that I’m upstairs working while they hang out downstairs. It would never have crossed my mind that if I didn’t stay physically in the room watching them, one might walk off home without telling anyone he was leaving or saying bye/thank you. I’m still willing to have him here in future but would really appreciate if you can drum into him the need to let an adult know where he is and not walk off like that again. And I’m afraid that if you feel he needs consistent physical supervision to avoid that happening then I do have to make clear I can’t provide that as I’m working upstairs at this time. I hope he’s ok and there’s nothing else going on with him, and that you feel better once the shock has worn off.’

Beees · 12/01/2023 20:15

Presumably, even if OP had been in the room with them the entire time, she'd have assumed what the other two did - that he'd gone to the toilet.

Exactly. It's bloody bonkers that people say the OP should have basically been watching them at all times like they were a group of 3 year olds.

If he had left the room should she have followed him even though that would then leave all the other kids 'unsupervised' or should she have dragged them all to the loo as a group.

At some point as they grow the responsibility needs to be with the child.

Badsox · 12/01/2023 20:16

I think you were lucky that nothing significant happened to the child. Legally , if it had you would have been prosecuted for lack of supervision. Yes, he should have said he was leaving and said goodbye but the responsibility for him when he is in your home lies with you.

saraclara · 12/01/2023 20:17

Badsox · 12/01/2023 20:16

I think you were lucky that nothing significant happened to the child. Legally , if it had you would have been prosecuted for lack of supervision. Yes, he should have said he was leaving and said goodbye but the responsibility for him when he is in your home lies with you.

No she couldn't! Don't be ridiculous!

bluebird3 · 12/01/2023 20:18

What sort of supervision does she provide when the boys are at her house? Is she in the room with them constantly?

euff · 12/01/2023 20:18

Badsox · 12/01/2023 20:16

I think you were lucky that nothing significant happened to the child. Legally , if it had you would have been prosecuted for lack of supervision. Yes, he should have said he was leaving and said goodbye but the responsibility for him when he is in your home lies with you.

Where can this be verified that she would be legally responsible? She was not providing a childcare service. Her DS brought a friend home after school. She didn't ply him with drink or drugs or let him play with knives or cook unsupervised.

CaptainMyCaptain · 12/01/2023 20:19

At what age do you think children can be trusted not to be watched over continuously @Badsox ?

DaphneFlower · 12/01/2023 20:20

Badsox · 12/01/2023 20:16

I think you were lucky that nothing significant happened to the child. Legally , if it had you would have been prosecuted for lack of supervision. Yes, he should have said he was leaving and said goodbye but the responsibility for him when he is in your home lies with you.

I would agree with you if he was 2 but he was 10 or 11. Many kids of that age travel home from school on their own. You shouldn't need to watch 10-11 year olds constantly when they're at home

CremeEggsForBreakfast · 12/01/2023 20:20

ComfortablyDazed · 12/01/2023 18:58

This isn’t true though, is it?

The OP couldn’t hear them at all times. So she can’t send this message.

OP - you’ve done nothing wrong. You can’t be expected to sit in a room with a bunch of 10/11 year olds while they chat and X-box.

I would go with one of the other texts that essentially agrees with her position that he shouldn’t come over (since you, understandably, won’t be providing the level of supervision she deems necessary), but that he’s absolutely welcome to come if she revises her position in the future, as long as he tells you that he’s leaving.

Show quote history

I mean, we're in agreement in principle but I'd say it's honest.

It's not literally true but if he had said goodbye to his friends and left through the front door she'd have heard him. She could hear that there were children in the front room, could hear what they were doing, and could hear they were happy.

By the sounds of it, she could have been in the room with them, participating in the game herself, and not know he'd gone because he didn't tell anyone. He just upped and left.

As it is, OP has sent an excellent message but I feel your claim that my suggestion wasn't honest to be a little pedantic.

Jellycatspyjamas · 12/01/2023 20:20

I think you were lucky that nothing significant happened to the child. Legally , if it had you would have been prosecuted for lack of supervision.

If something significant happened I doubt anyone would be arguing the toss about who was responsible. If someone leaves their child in my care, however, it’s my responsibility to know where they are.

Forgotthebins · 12/01/2023 20:29

You did nothing wrong. I am pretty sure my DC would not enjoy going to see their friends if the parent was in the room or otherwise supervising them constantly. Weird helicoptering.

I think the reply above saying you would be “legally responsible” is worth taking on board though just as an indication of how some people think. It’s a shame if the boys’ friendship suffers but I wouldn’t feel comfortable in these litigious days having a 10 year old kid over if the parents think they must be constantly supervised.

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