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Original poster

Is this a thing - pre engagement ?!

104 replies

Sparklycarrot · 07/01/2023 21:33

Now I've never actually been engaged , so I don't know what is the done thing exactly. But , several friends have said to me now they have chosen and brought a ring with their partner, but they aren't engaged yet, he'll keep the ring an propose in the next 18 months when the time is right. Just checking, is this the done thing now ?? Choosing the ring together but not being engaged yet...

OP posts:
IDontCareMatthew · 07/01/2023 21:34

Sounds stupid

Whatthediddlyfeck · 07/01/2023 21:35

😂

emmathedilemma · 07/01/2023 21:36

Ridiculous

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/01/2023 21:36

Snigger…. Attention seeking at best (fuckin stupid at worst!)

Original poster
Sparklycarrot · 07/01/2023 21:36

If it was one person I'd put it down as a one off, but I've heard lots of people saying it.

OP posts:
inappropriateraspberry · 07/01/2023 21:37

Weird and ridiculous. If you've picked a ring, then surely you've decided to get married, and are, therefore, engaged.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/01/2023 21:37

Are they all 15?

DappledThings · 07/01/2023 21:38

Ridiculous. Presumably so there can be a carefully planned proposal somewhere public with appropriate photography for Insta.

If you have agreed to get married you are engaged. There's no interim phase.

ImAvingOops · 07/01/2023 21:38

Once a couple have agreed that they are going to get married, they are engaged - it doesn't matter whether there's been a big proposal or when they are planning a wedding. It's the act of agreeing to get married that makes them engaged!

Original poster
Sparklycarrot · 07/01/2023 21:38

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/01/2023 21:36

Snigger…. Attention seeking at best (fuckin stupid at worst!)

I'm not sure it's attention seeking as such cos they aren't showcasing it on social media...just mentioning in passing.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/01/2023 21:39

Absolutely ridiculous. They’re presumably grown women not Victorian damsels.

Whyisitsososohard · 07/01/2023 21:39

I feel like it is more of a thing. To me it seems very odd. But I've never like the idea of the man getting to decide on when this massive step in a relationship occurs. So while I think it's good the decided together it's really I feel like it's even more odd to agree on the fact your gonna get married then him doa whole old fashioned event type proposal as of its a surprise. Just feels very performative, but its not really harming anyone.

HowcanIhelp123 · 07/01/2023 21:40

@Sparklycarrot I picked out my engagement ring, but he proposed a grand total of 4 days later. I'd be pissed if he waited 18 months!

In his eyes I was wearing it so he wanted to take me ring shopping so I could point out what I did and didn't like so he didn't 'screw up'. Then I found I ring I absolutley loved. Tried to downplay it a bit because I knew he wanted to pick but he saw right through that!

UsingChangeofName · 07/01/2023 21:43

ImAvingOops · 07/01/2023 21:38

Once a couple have agreed that they are going to get married, they are engaged - it doesn't matter whether there's been a big proposal or when they are planning a wedding. It's the act of agreeing to get married that makes them engaged!

This is my thinking too.

You seems to know several people with quite strange ideas.

thunderstruckk · 07/01/2023 21:44

It's quite common in my age group (late 20s) it seems. People decide they are ready and do want to get married, they pick a ring together to make sure it's one they both like, then the chap keeps the ring and proposes when they think the time is right fairly soonish. I think it's this new movement of it being a joint decision rather than something a BF goes off to do.

I'm baffled by it 🤷🏻‍♀️ I didn't know my DH had a ring and the proposal was a total surprise!! I wouldn't want to be waiting on tenterhooks for a ring for 12 months.

VivaVivaa · 07/01/2023 21:44

I’ve heard of lots of couples deciding to get married and choosing the ring together, which I quite like - as a PP said it makes the decision more equal…but generally from that point on the couples have considered themselves engaged. Subsequently then having a grand proposal sometime down the line I’ve never heard of before.

ZenNudist · 07/01/2023 21:47

DappledThings · 07/01/2023 21:38

Ridiculous. Presumably so there can be a carefully planned proposal somewhere public with appropriate photography for Insta.

If you have agreed to get married you are engaged. There's no interim phase.

I agree with @DappledThings if they have got as far as picking the ring then they have agreed to get married. Ergo, are already engaged.

ZenNudist · 07/01/2023 21:49

I did have one friend point out rings she liked so he was able to choose to her taste. I thought that was controlling but made sense.

mondaytosunday · 07/01/2023 21:50

Don't get it. My late husband proposed on the spur of the moment and we went to choose a ring later, not the other war around.
If you decide to get married, then you are engaged.

Snippedasababy · 07/01/2023 21:50

It’s bizarre.

Honestly, I think it’s more likely to be something pushed for when one party (usually the man) isn’t as keen.

She thinks he has bought the ring so will definitely propose AND she gets to act like it’s surprise romantic moment. He gets extra time to decide what he wants.

If they have talked and agreed to get engaged and married, they are engaged.

There was a thread here a while ago where the Op had picked the ring, booked the engagement holiday (with no input from him) made sure the ring went on holiday and gave it him it when they were there. Then caused arguments everyday that he hadn’t got down on one knee and proposed. They ended up not speaking and making their own way to the airport, separately. And she was still annoyed he didn’t propose on the plane. She still wanted the big surprise proposal, despite her doing all the running and organising and it being obvious he wasn’t interested.

I expect that similar ends up happening in a lot of these situations.

IDontCareMatthew · 07/01/2023 21:57

It's prep so they can arrange the perfect backdrop and stage a sunset in the background or whatever

Making it for insta

Scurryfunge12 · 07/01/2023 21:58

What is the point of this? It takes the element of surprise away. Ridiculous

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 07/01/2023 22:00

@DappledThings @ZenNudist not necessarily. My DH just wanted to actually get down on one knee and propose. I'd already been clear if he asked me in public I'd say no 😂. Was just the two of us at home cuddled on the sofa. No instagram or fanfare and it was perfect.

Yes I knew he had the ring, he knew I'd say yes, but he didn't want us to be 'engaged' and tell people until he had formally asked. I didn't care either way. At the end of the day if it made him happier I wasn't splitting hairs over the 4 days inbetween. If it's what makes them happy whats the problem? Doesn't hurt anyone.

LaLuz7 · 07/01/2023 22:02

What, like a teenage promise ring?

How infantile and ridiculous

LottieTx · 07/01/2023 22:06

Me and DH had discussed getting married, we knew we’d get married one day - didn’t make us engaged. Although I think there is a difference between discussing your future together so you both know you want the same things and what you’ve mentioned here.