Is this a thing - pre engagement ?!

[Sparklycarrot]

Now I've never actually been engaged , so I don't know what is the done thing exactly. But , several friends have said to me now they have chosen and brought a ring with their partner, but they aren't engaged yet, he'll keep the ring an propose in the next 18 months when the time is right. Just checking, is this the done thing now ?? Choosing the ring together but not being engaged yet...

I don't understand this at all. Mine did it without a ring because I'm so fussy. It was a surprise but obviously we had talked about getting married and the future at some stage. Maybe this way is more practical, although it just seems bizarre to me! Maybe I'm getting old 🫤

I'm trying to be open minded but this seems so daft. It can't be a surprise if you've chosen a ring together. Like does the girl still act all surprised?? I mean maybe this isn't actually a bad thing, because it's all conditioning anyway. But I still don't think I get it

I have never heard of it but I think it sounds like couples are taking a modern approach to discussing and agreeing to get married and then tacking on the traditions for fun.
To me that sounds like a step forward from the woman passively waiting to be proposed to.

It’s all for the insta tho isn’t it?

Many years ago, now DH and I had a chat and decided that we'd like to get married. We then had 4-6 weeks (I can't remember now) when we didn't tell anyone, looked at rings together, talked about what sort of wedding we'd like and got some information about venues. Then once my ring arrived from being resized, then we told people. That time of it really being just about us was really special and lovely.
I can't imagine waiting around for it to be 'the right time' though. Fair enough to choose a ring together and then do a proposal just for it to be that moment, but not to string it out for months

@HowcanIhelp123 you have said "I knew my DH had the ring but I felt only excitement that it was happening!"

But others have said

"I did this, and hated it" and
"Now two of my daughters have done this and are going out of their minds with impatience."
Also "Dragged this shit out for years."
And "Thankfully wasn't 18 months just a few but it felt like a lifetime"

Also I have been on MN way too long and there are threads on the relationships board where they know their partner has bought a ring and they are waiting, just waiting for that proposal. He has complete control. Every meal out, every amazing evening, every holiday they think this might be it. It feels incredibly passive. Even down to some of them reporting that when they asked them directly they were told I was going to ask <insert day> but you have ruined the surprise now. And it doesn't happen. Yes I completely agree that the carrot dangling sort shouldn't get married and yet they still hang in there.

Personally, Dh and I had had a discussion and we went out and bought the ring together as I had no idea what I would want and neither did Dh, no down on one knee proposal. A discussion about life, plans, hopes and dreams. Been married almost 25 years.

We got married without an engagement ring

My sister done this.
Told us all her DP had asked her to marry and she said yes. Many many messages of love and encouragement went their way etc.

Fast forward a few months, she let's us know he's proposed and shows off her ring. All of us, confused, thought they already were engaged. Naturally we all said congratulations etc again, but the shine was gone.

I think she felt the same IMO.

Surely people realise you can do a whole romantic proposal, if that's what you'd like, without having a ring. I've got 2 engaged children, who proposed to their partners in lovely ways and then sorted out a ring together afterwards

There is nothing new about the decision to marry being joint. This trend sounds like
A desire for sn Instagram proposal
Or
A way of placating her into believing in a future engagement without actually getting engaged.

I think it's better to have the proposal and then go looking for the ring

Hanging round (in OP's example potentially for a year and a half) seems ridiculous.

Then again, I'm somewhat traditional in thinking that the early days of an engagement is when you set the date, because you are really getting married. Not making a general statement that one day you will.

Should there be an element of surprise? Surely rational adults have many many discussions about so many marriage related issues to be agreed on. If someone "popped the question" without those discussions it would be a gigantic red flag for the marriage.

🤣anything for attention.

As a long-married 50 something, from observing my younger colleagues, nephews, children of friends etc, the ring signifies the start of planning/booking the wedding. Often the commitment is already there.

The element of surprise was definitely still there for me. It was such a lovely moment.

and no to gender reveals.

Very odd! Once you’ve decided to get hitched, you’re engaged, ring or no ring.
I remember years ago people saying e.g. ‘We’re going to get engaged on my mum’s birthday’ - but I’d thought that was a thing of the past. Not to mention a magazine entitled ‘Getting Engaged’ but I’m not sure that lasted long.

I never had an engagement ring - dh thought the whole business of ‘getting engaged’ desperately uncool - and I didn’t quite like to say I’d have quite liked one! We just set a date not many months ahead.

He bought me a lovely ring right after the birth of dd2 though, which meant a great deal to me, and still does.

PS, especially after a non-Brit neighbour said, ‘You got that for a GIRL?’

Didn't realise this was controversial.
We had a grown up chat about life etc what we wanted all that. When in town one day looked round the shops at ring, got my ring size.
Some time later he choose one (apparently it was clear which my favourite was). He then proposed when I wasn't expecting it.
No insta, no gender reveal's.
I wear it everyday so surely it's good I like it and I got a say in how much was spent (I organise the house insurance so need to know anyway).
I think in a modern equal relationship you either do it that way or propose without a ring and shop together after.

@cupofdecaf I think the discussion bit is great and people seem to be all for that, I know I am. I think what people find odd is doing this then still doing the whole traditional proposal thing. Like you're half doing something more equal but then sort of negating it with the man proposing. It's the whole proposing thing which feels mega old fashioned to me. But as I said in my post if that's what people want the whatever. I certainly don't feel strongly in the way some people appear to.

Like I said earlier my DH waited only 4 days, not weeks or months. There was no meals out or holidays in the interim. We got the ring, he said he still wanted to 'propose' and explained why. I said OK then but (somewhat jokingly) not to keep me waiting long or I might change my mind about saying yes. I think he probably would have proposed sooner but the day we got the ring we had friends over that night (and he knew I wanted it private) then he was on a business trip and proposed the night he returned. If it had been much longer I would have bought it up again. Had he started doing the carrot dangling I'd have told him to return it because I wasn't going to marry someone with that behaviour.

Communication is key. If you know they have it, ask why they haven't done it. If it's because they have a plan for a certain time, explain to them that every meal, x, y, z you think it's going to happen and get anxious and upset when it doesn't so can they give you a ball park so you don't keep feeling that way. If it's because they're 'waiting for the perfect time' tell them how much waiting is making you anxious and upset. A decent partner won't want you upset, and unless you communicate they might not realise how it's affecting you. If they tell you they would have but ruined it by doing x, y, z tell the bastard to return the ring then because you aren't putting up with that shit.

DH and I had discussed getting married and then we went shopping for a ring. I didn't know at the time that he'd actually already picked one out and was just taking me to check I liked it 😂

It was a slightly different scenario to what you describe though in that it wasn't a "waiting until the time is right" and we didn't tell a single sole!

He was only an apprentice and couldn't really afford to buy me a ring outright and it was at a time before "credit" became a thing. The ring came from a local jeweller who kept it in their safe and DH went in every week when he got paid to put money off it.

I guess you could say we were already engaged just without the ring on my finger yet?

DH didn't tell me when he had finished paying for the ring, he just surprised me with it wrapped up under the Christmas tree with a little note in it.

That's when we told people.

Yes I agree, but the whole point of a ‘proposal’ is the element of surprise and romance, traditionally.

If the discussion has already been had and the ring bought, it’s completely pointless to ‘propose’ at a later date. Just agree to get married, put a ring on, and that’s that 🤣

Obviously deciding to get married should be a joint venture and not something that a woman waits around helplessly for a man to propose that they do.

However once you've mutually decided to get married, you're engaged. That's exactly what being engaged is - nothing more, nothing less.

No proposal necessary if you decided like rational, equal, adult human beings during the course of a conversation.

People who remain perpetually engaged without setting a date are equally confusing though, especially when one of the couple is using the actual wedding as a power play and won't be pushed to commit to when (if ever) they'll actually marry. In that case, surely, the engagement has been broken off...

I bought my husband a horse instead of an engagement ring! 😀. He’s gorgeous and has been in the family over 15 years (horse not husband, the husband is ok too!).

You’re right though, it’s all bizarre if you look into it too much. As long as it works for you..

DH and I have been married for 18 years, we talked about getting married and went out and bought a ring.....simple!