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Original poster

Is this a thing - pre engagement ?!

104 replies

Sparklycarrot · 07/01/2023 21:33

Now I've never actually been engaged , so I don't know what is the done thing exactly. But , several friends have said to me now they have chosen and brought a ring with their partner, but they aren't engaged yet, he'll keep the ring an propose in the next 18 months when the time is right. Just checking, is this the done thing now ?? Choosing the ring together but not being engaged yet...

OP posts:
yubgummy · 07/01/2023 23:10

People always say "once you've had the conversation then that's it you're engaged". But that's a bit unrealistic no? It's a series of conversations that slowly build up in confidence. People like to have an official transition marker, to draw a line in the sand and say alright, decision made, we're not talking hypotheticals anymore, let's go for it. That's a special moment, it's nice to mark it with a nice "proposal" even if it's already been pretty clear for a while.

Waiting 18mo is 🤔though...!

Honeyroar · 07/01/2023 23:19

We did similar. My husband wanted to get engaged when we’d only been together six months. I knew he was the love of my life and that I wanted to be with him forever, but thought it was too soon. I’d been engaged to someone else who had had an affair right before our wedding and it had all been cancelled last minute, so I didn’t want any more drama! We looked at rings together so he had an idea of what I liked. He said he’d not ask me properly for a while. He then waited another two years to ask me. I thought he’d changed his mind! There were no staged photos or events, no engagement party, no social media. And we definitely weren’t 15! You can add another 20/25 years onto that. We were just having a good time at somewhere special to us.

HowcanIhelp123 · 07/01/2023 23:20

yubgummy · 07/01/2023 23:10

People always say "once you've had the conversation then that's it you're engaged". But that's a bit unrealistic no? It's a series of conversations that slowly build up in confidence. People like to have an official transition marker, to draw a line in the sand and say alright, decision made, we're not talking hypotheticals anymore, let's go for it. That's a special moment, it's nice to mark it with a nice "proposal" even if it's already been pretty clear for a while.

Waiting 18mo is 🤔though...!

Exactly, the decision to get married is huge and should be joint. You're legally tying yourself to someone (in theory for life!). If someone proposed to me and I was surprised that would be a huge sign that there were communication issues there. If you want to decide you're engaged and that's that? No problem. Want to celebrate/symbolise with a proposal? Fine too.

Calmdown14 · 07/01/2023 23:37

I think buying the ring and then doing your own little proposal to put it on a finger that day (or within a few days) is understandable.

But the idea of any time in 18 months sounds like a recipe for fall outs and disappointments. I couldn't be doing with every meal out, day trip or holiday turning into 'will he do it now'. It would ruin the experience of these things in their own right

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/01/2023 00:00

The way my parents did it (and everyone they knew) seems right to me.

My father didnt exactly propose....they were having a conversation about doing something that (then, 60's) they would be expected to be married to do....think holidaying together or something like that. My father said "Well I suppose we ought to get married then" and my mother "Yes I suppose we should". Top deck of the bus on the way home from the pictures!

Then they went to a jewellers and my father was taken to one side by the jeweller who asked his budget. Then he brought out trays within his budget for them to choose from. They were both involved, my mother got a ring she liked and my father, by his own admission, was happy that he didnt have to risk almost certainly getting it wrong!

PErfect compromise to me!

lilyfire · 08/01/2023 00:06

I like the idea of the man jumping out Cato-like at some point with the ring to surprise you so that you’d constantly have to be on your guard from the time you buy the ring.

BethJ62 · 08/01/2023 00:10

One of DD’s friends told her that she and her BF have the ring but she wants to lose some weight and grow her hair a bit before he proposes so she looks better in the photos .

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/01/2023 00:15

BethJ62 · 08/01/2023 00:10

One of DD’s friends told her that she and her BF have the ring but she wants to lose some weight and grow her hair a bit before he proposes so she looks better in the photos .

I predict a long and happy marriage 😂

Manicwithmoney · 08/01/2023 00:18

This is weird... I've heard of people proposing with a promise ring and then choosing an engagement ring together though as it's an expensive mistake to buy something your fiancée might hate x

LearnerCook · 08/01/2023 02:00

How bloody ridiculous.

Thistlelass · 08/01/2023 02:25

My daughter and her hubby did it this way. I put it down to controlling brides wanting in on ring selection but also wanting a magical 'surprise' proposal. But hey that is only my assessment.

Kittylickingplate · 08/01/2023 02:53

I did this, and hated it. My prat of a husband 'pretended; to get down on one knee for 6 months. This was 35 years ago.

Now two of my daughters have done this and are going out of their minds with impatience. I told them it was a crap idea but they will do what they want.

TLDR
Dumb idea, do not recommend.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 08/01/2023 03:54

Which school is this at? 😂

Fluffygreenslippers · 08/01/2023 05:09

Stupid. My sisters ex bought her a ‘promise’ ring. My mother, the sap, ofc showed it off to all her precious Facebook friends. Ooo no it’s not an engagement, oo he promises he’ll get her everything in the future, oo what a nice boy. Dragged this shit out for years. One day my sister found a different phone, and loads of messages on it from another woman. Turns out she was the side chick the entire time. He’s married now, to the other woman, which he did remarkably quickly.

BenoitBlanc · 08/01/2023 05:15

Times change. Traditions change.

WandaWonder · 08/01/2023 05:17

If they, in the general sense, are asking for presents and a party for pre engagement, engagement, wedding then yeah issue, if not then sure I don't get it but up to the couple

mrshenny · 08/01/2023 05:21

My husband and I decided to get married mutually, I'm picky so picked out a ring and bought it. We even booked our venue at this point as dates were booking up fast. So to me we were engaged but he wanted to do it "properly", so I had to wait months for him to officially propose before I could wear it. Thankfully wasn't 18 months just a few but it felt like a lifetime and he wouldn't let me tell anyone as he wanted people to think he'd just asked out of the blue. Huge eye roll! I didn't think it was the done thing though and it felt silly to me at the time. If he'd kept me waiting 18 months I'd have been furious!

Guavafish1 · 08/01/2023 05:24

I had 2 oriental friends who had pre-engagement.

An extra ring!

mellongoose · 08/01/2023 07:02

I feel like I'm in the minority.

We were at the point in our relationship where we knew that we would be together forever since we already had our child who was 2. We hadn't spoken about getting married.

His proposal was out of the blue, ring a surprise and absolutely perfect. Happened in a place where other people don't go and its beautiful. No pictures taken, just a really special moment for the three of us!

I feel very lucky and love the feeling that he thought of me and what I would like when choosing the ring 💍

This was only 5 years ago so not exactly the dark ages!

trailrunner85 · 08/01/2023 07:13

I think it's really telling that all those posters who say they chose a ring together and then waited for a proposal, were waiting for him to propose.

Who wants to be a passenger in their own life? You've decided you're getting married, bought a ring, next up should be planning a wedding - not waiting on the man in the relationship to signal it's "time."

We seem to have regressed in the last few decades, not gone forward. As pps said, a generation or two ago it was tradition to discuss marriage and then crack on and do it.

00deed1988 · 08/01/2023 07:14

We did this, to be fair I was 23 so fairly young and we had been together less than 3 months.....

We were madly in love, discussed marriage, if we were crazy ect. Decided we weren't and then I chose a ring and he proposed within days. Not attention seeking as noone knew, it was a private non spectacular proposal. We had a 1 year engagement and this year will be our 10 year wedding anniversary so we weren't that crazy....although if our kids did this I may think they were Hmm

Thingamebobwotsit · 08/01/2023 07:42

The only person I know who choreographed their engagement to this level, complete with professional photographer, didn't make it down the aisle. They split up five months after the official proposal.

howaboutchocolate · 08/01/2023 07:44

Women getting engagement rings but not men is bizarre and very outdated if you think about it. So why shouldn't all the rest of it be a bit bizarre too?

We decided to get married and then we got married. No engagement ring or proposal involved. The wedding was the important and special bit.

I suppose some people would say marriage is outdated too!

Judgyjudgy · 08/01/2023 07:47

Erm wtf. And the point is??

changeme4this · 08/01/2023 07:50

Seems odd to me but then I’m nearing 60 and still waiting on an engagement ring, despite being married for many years. Got the band.

i think for anyone saving for a house deposit or something major wouldn’t worry about a pre engagement purchase. Just go with the flow and one of you asks when the moment feels right… you could then go ring shopping together if this is your want.

all seems too staged and expected otherwise. Unless someone is using it a reason to bed hop with someone who is keen to wait… ?