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Original poster

Is this a thing - pre engagement ?!

104 replies

Sparklycarrot · 07/01/2023 21:33

Now I've never actually been engaged , so I don't know what is the done thing exactly. But , several friends have said to me now they have chosen and brought a ring with their partner, but they aren't engaged yet, he'll keep the ring an propose in the next 18 months when the time is right. Just checking, is this the done thing now ?? Choosing the ring together but not being engaged yet...

OP posts:
trailrunner85 · 07/01/2023 22:07

It's fucking stupid.
If you have decided to get married, you are engaged. That's literally what getting engaged is.
The big proposal, getting down on one knee, photos for Insta etc - do it if it makes you happy, but if you have already decided to get married then it's basically just for performance. I think some people like the performance...

Boshi · 07/01/2023 22:09

It’s a bloody joke! Despite what they say It’s probably in aid of getting some insta-worthy engagement/proposal pics. Some of my cousins friends have a photographer on hand during the supposed proposal..

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 07/01/2023 22:12

There's also been a shift, I earn more than my DH so when we were discussing getting engaged I offered to pay towards the ring to get one I loved. I was contributing so I wasn't going to not be involved in picking. Didn't mean he couldn't still propose.

derekthe1adyhamster · 07/01/2023 22:12

I don't know. 26 years ago my dh and I decided to get married. We were quite young (24) we sat on the decision for 3 months in case either of us changed our minds before buying the ring and telling anyone. There was no big proposal, we've been married 25 years now

Unicorn717 · 07/01/2023 22:12

Fuck a duck.. is this actually a thing?

Knobknob · 07/01/2023 22:14

Children

alittleadvicepls · 07/01/2023 22:17

We did that. It took a few weeks for the ring to be made and he proposed the same day it arrived.
I think people waiting months between choosing the ring and the proposal must do so because they want a ‘surprise’?

dahoeyo · 07/01/2023 22:21

We talked about getting married and chose the ring together. I found it was really lovely way to go about it and really enjoyed trying the rings on. He did then 'propose' to me after it arrived, of course I knew it was coming but he still wanted to set up a nice special day. Never put it on social media that has nothing to do with it. Every couple do things their own way.

Hillrunning · 07/01/2023 22:25

Seems fine to me. Marriage is a hint decision and so discussion should be going on beforehand. Selecting a ring (and therefore agreeing a cost) seems sensible too. But after being so sensible some men might still want a bit of romance in getting to decide on how to propose and some women might want the romance of the surprise of how they are proposed too. Its not my thing but I'm glad more couples are actually discussing things these days

Hadtochangeforthisone · 07/01/2023 22:27

So how does this work in reality ? Or do people no longer understand what 'engagement' actually means ?

So you decide to go shopping at the jewellers ... what to you ask to look at ? How did you come to be going to the jewellers ? Honestly in all logical explanations you must have agreed to marry each other in order to go and but the bloody ring or otherwise why are you choosing engagement rings !!

Therefore the moment you have agreed to go and look /choose rings someone has said to the other one 'let's get married' and the other party has agreed ... at THAT point you are ENGAGED !!

This is one of those big 'reveal' hoohahs ... complete and utter bonkers bollox .

dahoeyo · 07/01/2023 22:34

Some posters really getting their knickers in a twist about this. Why do you care so much?

Llioed · 07/01/2023 22:37

I know a few people who have done this, chosen an engagement ring together, it’s been bought (kept in the home) and then proposed with at a later date. To be honest, it’s a weird concept to me but it’s not harming anyone, and as long as the couple in question are happy, then who are we to question it? 😊

As for me and DH - I did choose a few rings myself and showed my boyfriend (now DH) so he had a good idea of what designs I liked, one of which I really liked. He then bought a ring (with the design I really liked, as it was still available) a few months later and proposed with it. So I did have some influence, but I wasn’t there when he bought it. I thought this way was maybe more common?

namechangeforthisoneeee · 07/01/2023 22:39

I mean, it's probably not for me but my god the aggression on this thread is something else. It's not your life guys, calm yourselves

cupcakesaresickly · 07/01/2023 22:41

We did this... didn't realise it was so controversial!

We had discussed marriage and engagement and knew it was coming. We had a few conversations about rings that I liked and size, then spontaneously (or so I thought!) popped into a jeweller one day to look at some.

I wouldn't have counted us as 'engaged' until he had proposed. It wasn't an enormous thing, and one photo was put on FB as an easy way of alerting the family.

Mumma · 07/01/2023 22:49

It's a thing. It's a weird thing but it is a thing. My friend planned her entire engagement - where and when he would ask, the ring etc etc.

Prior to that he gave her a promise ring so promise to get engaged in the future. Its stupid.

ThalhavaraGoter · 07/01/2023 22:50

I think the issue is that you have agreed to get married, a ring has been bought and so you are engaged to be married but you are just not wearing the ring.

Yet the man gets to decide when he will "propose" within the next 18 months. Is the woman in this then meant to act all surprised? They are already engaged. The minute you say yes let's get married you are engaged.

It feels very carrot dangling to me, be on your best behaviour as I have this ring that I want to give you but if I am not feeling it, you can wait. You can have a long engagement so why not just put the ring on?

HowcanIhelp123 · 07/01/2023 22:55

ThalhavaraGoter · 07/01/2023 22:50

I think the issue is that you have agreed to get married, a ring has been bought and so you are engaged to be married but you are just not wearing the ring.

Yet the man gets to decide when he will "propose" within the next 18 months. Is the woman in this then meant to act all surprised? They are already engaged. The minute you say yes let's get married you are engaged.

It feels very carrot dangling to me, be on your best behaviour as I have this ring that I want to give you but if I am not feeling it, you can wait. You can have a long engagement so why not just put the ring on?

If you're in the kind of relationship where it's like that you shouldn't be getting married. I knew my DH had the ring but I felt only excitement that it was happening! Never even crossed my mind to be on my 'best behaviour'. He just always imagined himself proposing on one knee with a ring, it was what made him happy. I got a ring I knew I would love forever and got to marry my best friend. I don't see a problem with that.

fajitaaaa · 07/01/2023 22:57

More like an engagement and then a ring presentation ceremony!

chubbychipmonk · 07/01/2023 22:59

These must be the same people who have Gender Reveal parties!

OnOldOlympus · 07/01/2023 22:59

We did this too. We’d had a conversation and decided we were going to get married. I wanted to be involved in choosing the ring so we went together and got one, then a couple of weeks later we had a lovely meal and then he gave me the ring. At home, so no fanfare, and definitely no photographer!

I didn’t think this would be so controversial but it meant we made the decision to get married jointly, I got to pick the ring I will wear for the rest of my life, and we have the nice “getting engaged” memory.

Genevieva · 07/01/2023 23:00

Once you have agreed to get married you are engaged - ring or no ring is irrelevant. It is the intention to marry that counts.

Cornelious · 07/01/2023 23:01

Dh and I went ring shopping so he could gauge my style and find size. He didn't buy a ring then, but I knew he'd be back soon to get the one I wanted and he proposed a few months later.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 07/01/2023 23:05

chubbychipmonk · 07/01/2023 22:59

These must be the same people who have Gender Reveal parties!

Nope, no gender reveals, never posted my children's pictures on social media, never 'announced' my engagement, wedding or pregnancies. I still don't have instagram, twitter, tik tok. I'm totally not down with the kids 😂.

gamerchick · 07/01/2023 23:07

No, it's weird and obviously for SM. Whatever floats boats.

TeeHeeQuodSheAndClaptTheWindowTo · 07/01/2023 23:08

Genevieva · 07/01/2023 23:00

Once you have agreed to get married you are engaged - ring or no ring is irrelevant. It is the intention to marry that counts.

Yes, exactly. ‘Engaged’ is shorthand for ‘engaged to be married’. Once the decision is made, hey! You’re engaged.

All this carefully planned ‘surprise but not a surprise’ bollocks is just silly, designed for showing off. I wouldn’t want to have a man dangling me on a string until he deigned to propose, even though we’d already agreed to marry!

I’ve been married 20 years or more. He asked me one afternoon at home, and we went and bought a ring the same weekend, and ordered our wedding bands at the same time. We organised the wedding over the following two weeks, and were married six months later. Being engaged really isn’t a status in itself, it’s just the bit between deciding to get married and the day you marry. I can’t think of anything more attention seeking than putting it all over social media. It’s just a special thing between the two of you.