How to restore my faith and respect in men?

[PotentialMisandrist]

Have NC'd for this as I'm not really sure how this is going to go down.

I’ve reached a point in my life where I have absolutely no respect for men and believe they are completely the inferior sex and bring so very little to the table.

I’m thinking about this as I spent last night with a girlfriend and she was asking about any recent dates etc. I explained I had been on a date recently and threw him back in the pool as he failed to make plans for a 2nd date in time. She felt this was impatient on my part. I told her I’d been chatting to a guy who seems nice but that my only intention with him would just be a FWB arrangement. I could tell she was disappointed and she said she would really love to see me with someone special in my life. I explained that the only thing I really want and need from a man would be sex and potentially someone to look after my recycling and car maintenance as I truly believe men are just useless, bring more hassle than they’re worth and are completely inferior to women in every single way. She was not happy with this ‘sweeping statement’ and it sullied the conversation somewhat.

For context, I’m a 34yr old single Mum of 1. Have a beautiful child, great job, nice house, close with family and generally happy with my lot. Sex is the only thing lacking really.

But today I am thinking about this a bit more. Unfortunately, every single man who has every been in my life, bar absolutely none, has hurt, abandoned or disappointed me from the moment of my birth. I’ve watched my girlfriends be hurt and abused by men and have read so many horrendous threads on here about the behaviour and treatment of men. Ive been raped and assaulted by men in my younger years. On top of that, the rate of sexual assaults in my area has increased exponentially in the last year and just watching what is happening in Iran, Afghanistan etc makes my blood boil and my heart beak for my global sisters.

However, I am the mother of a son, an amazing 13yr old who I love with all my being. A son who I have so far raised to be a wonderful little human who values and respects his female counterparts and has girls as 2 of his best friends. I like to believe that my generation will raise a new generation of men who are by and large far more emotionally mature, respectful and view women as their equals.

But… it can’t be healthy for me the have this view of men surely? Particularly when I am raising one. It amounts to blatant sexism and misandry I guess. Am I a terrible person? How do I restore my faith in men?

Nothing would make me live with a man again
I've noticed that this sentiment is increasingly voiced by women on here, it's such bliss living alone, it's like schools out for summer and your parents have gone on holiday and left you the run of the house...forever, the relief, the freedom, not having to cope with and manage the other person.
I wonder if men feel the same when they come out of a relationship?

Ditto the never living with a man again - living alone is glorious.

I'm fully aware that women are able to do these jobs but in reality given a free choice most women choose not to. So the fact that anyone (happens to be men in the majority) would step up and do the smelly, dirty, physically demanding and dangerous jobs that keep society running is imo worthy of respect and gratitude. Yes during times of war/crisis women have shown themselves able to step up because the men weren't there to do it. Given the choice we can see that most women prefer not to do these jobs. I never suggested that they weren't capable.

Men do bad things and so do women. So should we say that all women are bad? Is there a statistic that shows that 80% of men are doing the sexual assault or is there a small and depraved percentage of men doing bad things? I would be interested to see the evidence to back up that statistic by the way because it doesn't tally with my experience but I'm interested to see if it's true.

Anyway as I said in my previous post, the OP expressed an interest in alternative views to help balance out her perspective and I offered that if you can respect the contribution men make to society then that's a good starting place. I didn't say all men are wonderful but I think it's obvious that they (as a general sex) do bring some positives to the table.

I agree that many men probably don't take the mental load and sharing 50/50 perhaps not either. However does that mean that the sex as a whole deserve hatred? What about the husband who's a carer to his ill wife and main parent to his children? The widower? I know that I'm doing what I can with my boys to give them the tools to be an active participant in the home but they also massively benefit from watching my husband who does his share.

I'm not really sure I understood fully what your last point was but my experience of men has generally been very positive and my standards are higher than 'not being abusive'. I would give a judgement to people as individuals not as a whole sex (or a whole race, sexuality, etc)

I don't hate them; I just wouldn't want to be in a romantic relationship (kids; cohabitation) with the vast majority of them.
Not sure that the modern romantic ideal of heterosexual relationships is realistic, given our species' cultural and evolutionary history.

I had to delete what I was typing because I was going to say that I hadn’t had any particularly bad experiences of men, except…. and then I realised I could list teenage grooming, two rapes, too many sexually inappropriate/or assaults to bother counting, entitled behaviour, or helping themselves to more than their share, taking advantage of the labour and efforts of women, shirking their share of work , etc etc,

My df, dgf, db, dh are all good men, but nothing more, and as a woman I’ve found them deeply disappointing at times too. I’ve met many women in my life who were inspiring, or amazing but I’ve just never met a man that I’ve felt that about.

I now have an instinctive distrust of men. These days when I meet a man who is interesting or attractive, I’d just rather not get to know them, than be disappointed. If anything happened to dh, I definitely wouldn’t want to date again.

I love the men in my life. But I just don’t want any more of them if I’m honest.

I don't know how to say this without sounding like I'm being either cruel, or victim blaming, or both, but I want you to know it's not my intention at all and I say this with what you said about raising your son in mind:

Women who have been hurt by men and especially in childhood, can have a tendency to repeat those dynamics and end up with men who are abusive or treat them in a similar way.

I don't think your experience with men is indicative of all men at all, and I think that it has naturally been shaped by the men you have found yourself around. I think you need counselling and to reframe your thinking because not only could you damage your son with these biases toward men, you could also be setting him up to become the type of man you have issues with. He gains his understanding of his role in the world from his parents.

I have a partner who has some pretty bad trauma and his life is affected by it, but he's a wonderful kind man, hands on father. Funnily enough, he's been treated awfully by women in his life in his formative years, from an abusive foster mother to an awful abusive woman as his first proper relationship. However, he doesn't think all or even the majority of women are like this. So I do think you need to really work on reframing your thinking as it is possible.

Fully agree with the original OP’s comment but men will get slaughtered if a man just walked by and did not help a lady in trouble or danger

No win situation

Be careful what you wish for

There are discussion videos on You Tube where older and not so older ladies who bemoan the fact that men won’t commit but stay single through choice as they do not want the hassle, problems of long term female company after being hung out to dry in the divorce courts

Will await incoming

@thecatsthecats No, you've not missed it, I didn't get to into the nitty gritty of my experiences really.

In terms of father figures:

My biological father attacked my mother and wound up in prison when I was very young. I never knew him and even though he knew where I was, he never once sought me out. I did eventually track him down after my son was born, we exchanged a couple of letters that were full of vitriol towards my mother and I cut contact there. He died of a massive heart attack a number of years ago. I put his ashes in the grave and felt a mix of relief, justice and sadness. It was a lot to process.

I was partly raised by a step father who my mother ultimately separated from because he was yet another useless, lazy man. I continued my relationship with him until my separation from my sons father. He insisted on getting involved in my break up, telling my ex he didn't agree with decisions I was making and maintaining a much more frequent relationship with him than with me. When I told him how much it hurt that he would get involved in my break up, take sides and put more time and effort into a relationship with my ex than with me he informed me that his relationship with my ex was none of my business so I cut contact there.

Thank you for sharing, and it sounds like they weren't a good start for you, which is a shame.

To expand on my own history, my lovely dad was my mum's second husband. Her first husband was abusive (her parents were neglectful), and my brother, oddly hates women, even though his early experiences of abuse were all at his father's hands. Part of the reason my dad was a brilliant parent is that he had to be a good dad, but also fill the gaps in my mum's parenting due to her abuse trauma.

I just think that it's a point for you to consider - you might be looking to get love from shit men, because they resemble your crappy father figures in some way. And good men (as friends or lovers) might be passing you by, psychologically.

I have great male friends, as well as my husband. I just screen out people who don't seem to be from the same mould as my dad, whilst you're filtering in the baddies.

Thank you @CandlelightGlow and don't worry, I'm not offended. I understand that there can be a pattern of women who repeat dynamics as a result of childhood trauma, mistreatment etc. I believe I actively avoid men who even have a sniff of a trait like that of the two father figures I mention. I have dated a wide variety of men, younger, much older, professional, 'free spirited', etc etc. They have all been a major disappointment, and that's putting it lightly in regards many of them.

I have had 100s of hours of counselling at this stage and think I'm quiet a strong, stable and capable woman who really does have a lot of love to give. I am very caring when it comes to my son, my family, friends etc. and I really don't think I allow my biases to impact my son. I would never share my views of men with my son.

I'm so sorry to hear of your husbands trauma and I'm glad it's not tainted his view of all women. However, in my situation, every single man that has ever been involved in my life has hurt me in some way, not just one or two of them... All of them. Your husband appears to have has suffered trauma at the hands of some of the women in his life as opposed to all, is that correct?

But you're right, I would really love to reframe my thinking of men and not be so judgmental of them. It's really not the type of person I want to be

@Andsoforth so much of what you're saying resonates me and I'm so sorry to hear of your abuse and rapes x I honestly wonder how many of us on this thread, or how many women in general, have never been assaulted or abused by a man... I think the number would be frighteningly low.

I also know seemingly good men (as in men who don't abuse, rape, assault) but they are all deeply flawed in one way or another. Lazy, neglectful etc etc. But I, like you, know some truly incredible women. I simply cannot say I have ever met a truly incredible man.

Come on now OP

I'm not 'calling you names', I'm stating a fact.

You are a bigot, and you've started a thread asking for help. Unless you're not being genuine here, why have you taken offence at the truth?

@VyeBrator I asked you not to call me names in such an aggressive manner, I did not deny that I am a bigot as technically, this is what my viewpoint makes me.

And yes, I can here looking for help, advise, alternative viewpoints... which of those was your last post providing exactly?

I want to say it's not men's fault that they are men, I realise that sounds patronizing to men and at the same time that I am excusing bad behaviour....not my intention but I cant think of another way to express it.
I think often it's kind of 'animal dominance behaviour' and humans need to find ways to mitigate, channel, sublimate etc. We all need to look for better ways of doing things, ways to stop people turning bad, ways to be better humans

I can connect with what you say OP and some posters on here have some amazing insight and advice.

I went to an all boys school. This was some time ago. I was never comfortable with the way boys grew up into men, so I became a loner. At tertiary education, the students were overwhelmingly female. I was the only male on my course. What a relief. No talk about tits, football or panning someone’s head in. I spent three years living with 16 female students and the respect between us all was amazing.

There are great men in the world. But I agree they are rare. And even rarer than we all think they are. I do have hope for the future, but we are talking centuries and millenia of a belief in male superiority. It is going to take time and we have Trumps and Tates of this world. It’s like wac-a-mole.

For male friendship, I would suggest looking for those who do not build their social lives around other males. Avoid the “blokey” male. Look for men who have a diverse circle of friends, those at ease with firefighters, cooks and stockbrokers of either sex.

in a rush doing my Tax return but will pop back tomorrow.

important thread by the way.

'Technically'?? It's blatant for goodness sake.

I'm beginning to think you started this thread purely to have people agree with you.

This thread would've disappeared immediately if your bigotry was based on racism. So just crack on. I'm out.

I think often it's kind of 'animal dominance behaviour' and humans need to find ways to mitigate, channel, sublimate etc.

I agree with this. I think we all have an animal nature that we didn't choose, but have to live with nonetheless. There's a certain capacity for violence and predation, and also an ego-fragility, that seems to be part and parcel of maleness. Men of good character are able sublimate these urges into prosocial activities, often harnessing the male drive to achieve great things for themselves and others. However most men are not of good character, and therein lies the problem.

Yes, men need information and need to be open to feeling vulnerable.

That Tate lizard man feels the same about women.

Presume you despise him.

Sweeping assumptions do no favours to anyone.

The recent research shows women were the dominant members of the tribe, luckily religion came along to put us in our place.

@VyeBrator funnily enough I also used the term blatant in my OP when I referred to my sexism and misandry???

And I don't think the majority of posters have agreed with me at all, while many have agreed with mens shortcomings, I think many have also pointed out how my feelings are OTT and potentially damaging. All of which I've taken on board and been grateful for and posters have put their viewpoints across is a calm and eloquent manner as part of an open discussion.

You're quiet literally the only poster on here being arsey so best of luck to you and thanks for your 'input' to this discussion. 👋

@frozendaisy of course I despise that pathetic excuse for a man but his views on women and my views on men are in no way similar. I do not feel the same way about men as he does about women.

Tate has stated that women shouldn't be allowed to drive, they are purely a status symbol to be used, they are responsible for the rapes and sexual assaults perpetrated on them by men, that women belong to men, female promiscuity is disgusting but male promiscuity is to be expected and admired.... the list goes on and on and on.

I think you're seriously reaching comparing my views to his.

Contempt for the opposite sex seems to be becoming almost commonplace on the Internet, although much more often men claiming to be 'giving up' on women than vice versa.

@HariKris Thank you so much for taking to time to offer your views and experiences, it's really very much appreciated and I find it incredibly interesting that a male might hold the some of the same feelings as I do. Given your experiences I can understand why.

And thank you for the advice on looking for male friendships/companionships. That is really sound advice and definitely something I am going to take on board when seeking out any future relationships

That’s exactly why misandry isn’t the opposite-sex version of misogyny.