How to restore my faith and respect in men?

[PotentialMisandrist]

Have NC'd for this as I'm not really sure how this is going to go down.

I’ve reached a point in my life where I have absolutely no respect for men and believe they are completely the inferior sex and bring so very little to the table.

I’m thinking about this as I spent last night with a girlfriend and she was asking about any recent dates etc. I explained I had been on a date recently and threw him back in the pool as he failed to make plans for a 2nd date in time. She felt this was impatient on my part. I told her I’d been chatting to a guy who seems nice but that my only intention with him would just be a FWB arrangement. I could tell she was disappointed and she said she would really love to see me with someone special in my life. I explained that the only thing I really want and need from a man would be sex and potentially someone to look after my recycling and car maintenance as I truly believe men are just useless, bring more hassle than they’re worth and are completely inferior to women in every single way. She was not happy with this ‘sweeping statement’ and it sullied the conversation somewhat.

For context, I’m a 34yr old single Mum of 1. Have a beautiful child, great job, nice house, close with family and generally happy with my lot. Sex is the only thing lacking really.

But today I am thinking about this a bit more. Unfortunately, every single man who has every been in my life, bar absolutely none, has hurt, abandoned or disappointed me from the moment of my birth. I’ve watched my girlfriends be hurt and abused by men and have read so many horrendous threads on here about the behaviour and treatment of men. Ive been raped and assaulted by men in my younger years. On top of that, the rate of sexual assaults in my area has increased exponentially in the last year and just watching what is happening in Iran, Afghanistan etc makes my blood boil and my heart beak for my global sisters.

However, I am the mother of a son, an amazing 13yr old who I love with all my being. A son who I have so far raised to be a wonderful little human who values and respects his female counterparts and has girls as 2 of his best friends. I like to believe that my generation will raise a new generation of men who are by and large far more emotionally mature, respectful and view women as their equals.

But… it can’t be healthy for me the have this view of men surely? Particularly when I am raising one. It amounts to blatant sexism and misandry I guess. Am I a terrible person? How do I restore my faith in men?

OP, you have a ds who I expect you are raising to be kind and honest and genuine. So perhaps that is your starting point.

Start by taking a long hard look at any prospective man's mum and dad. Especially the parent mainly responsible for raising them.

If the parent has honest straightforward hardworking values, then hopefully they will have passed those values onto their sons. It's as good a place to start as any.

I can see where you're coming from OP and doubt I'll ever get into another relationship, as the men I've met so far have been controlling, possessive, jealous, selfish, or very needy and demanding. I've always had to give more than I got and in some cases I've found that breaking up with them made me feel scared for my own safety as they wouldn't let me go and acted like they owned me.

I despair when I see yet another woman and often children too murdered by an ex partner.

I do think there are nice men out there, however I think the majority of them are married and in LTRs by their 20s and stick with their partner and family. Of who's left, I don't trust myself to pick a decent one and it feels too risky.

For balance I've also met some unpleasant women! so there's good and bad in both genders, I don't think women are superior.

I'm kind of in a similar place, although I don't have kids. My ex is a nasty abusive twat and the blokes that went before him weren't exactly princes among men, with one notable exception who was genuinely decent and respectful towards the women in his life.

The men in my family like an easy life and are happy for the mental load to fall to the women (or outsource it, eg to a cleaner). I have begun to challenge that but I absolutely would not tolerate it in a future partner. I live alone and deal with everything on my own. No way am I taking it on for someone else. I also wouldn't live with someone again. Like you OP I have lost trust and faith in men. It's a real shame and I certainly have plenty of my own flaws, so it's not that I think I'm better than them.

Even my most feminist bloke mate talks to my tits rather than my face at times.

@MintJulia so sorry that you've had such crappy experiences and treatment as well x And unfortunately I can empathise with men eyeing you up for what you're worth as opposed to being interested in developing a mutually beneficial and loving relationship.

And I'd love to know where to find a kind, normal, honest man too... if I find them hiding somewhere I'll give you a heads up! X However, as @Sallytobleroney pointed out, maybe all the good men are snapped up in their 20s? Maybe we have missed the boat and are left with what's left, the men that nobody else wanted.

Thanks for this, that's nice advice. I love and adore my son... and his other boy friends actually, they're all so sweet and lovely and treat their girl friends with respect and complete equality. I do have genuine hope for the future of the male population.

@dubyalass See, that grinds my gears as well. There can be some seemingly lovely men but they're happy to leave the mental load of family life to their partners. How is that fair or equal? Why should we as women and mothers automatically be expected to carry this load on top of everything else on our plates. I'm not sure I know anyone in my circle with a relationship that is equal in this way and it's just seen as normal. And I definitely don't know any couples whose relationship I admire or aspire to have, even those couples who are seemingly happy, it always seems like the woman has settled with a sub par partner.

I’m older than you @PotentialMisandrist and often feel the same.

I think the difference between you and me is that I associate that the sexism and the patriarchy rather than men as a group. Of course, men do benefit a lot from said system and are quite happy with that status-quo so 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

And yes ALL men do get away with murder on all sort of front. They do so because in our system, it’s much harder for women to put boundaries.
A man saying NO is seen as assertive, a woman as aggressive etc….
And both men are women are affected my sexism (usually in an unconscious way) but that also means men know that women have less choice, are expected to put up etc…. So they happily push boundaries knowing little will happen.
(see also the abysmal rate conviction for rape, the mental load, 1/3 of women financially dependent of their partner ….)

This is why so many women go into a relationship with another women later in life they just can't stand men

My Mum was an unconventional wife and mother, yet l have never known another man love a woman like my Dad loved my Mum.
Most women are guilty of over giving, it's in our nature to be nurturers. This tends to lead to woman feeling resentful and man losing respect and getting bored. If both partners take full responsibility for themselves and refuse to become the fixer of the other it leads to happier, healthier relationship.
I am a lone widowed parent to two sons, they have been raised mainly around women, as my family are mostly female. We are strong independent women who take no shit, and they hold me and my sisters and friends in high regard. I am alone by choice as easier, but have a healthy attitude 're men and the possibility of finding someone else. I take full responsibility for my choices and the people l chose to surround myself with, if they bring drama or trauma into my life, then they're out, peace of mind is my priority now, life's too short.

Honestly @thirdtimeluckyorwhat the thought has been popping up in my mind more and more. I am bisexual in that I am attracted to women as well and have had sexual experiences with women but I've always been more romantically drawn to men. I'm thinking more and more though that maybe I should explore potential romantic relationships with women and just give up on men all together

@PotentialMisandrist

We are all shaped by our life experiences and those who have influenced us. My goodness, you have been through some major trauma in the past. You say that you have been raped and assaulted and you have witnessed your female friends being hurt and abused by men too. It's completely understandable that you feel as you do.

On the other hand, you have a beautiful son, close family ties, great home, etc., I'm wondering whether you actually feel like there's anything missing from your life emotionally. I mean, if it's just a lack of sex that's bothering you, then... well, you don't actually need a man for that, do you?

I think you may be missing that close emotional connection you get from being with someone who understands you and wants to please you. Or is it more that your girlfriends want you to find someone special?

What I've written here is unfortunately only scraping the surface of my awful experiences with men @JunglePug

I can and definitely do quell my own sexual urges from time to time but I guess sex is more than the orgasm for me, it'a the foreplay, the intimacy etc so there's only so much I can help myself with!

From talking here, I think I'm realising that I would like that emotional connection that's missing in my life and I'm disappointed that I don't have the respect or trust in men to actually seek that out in another relationship with a man because I will, most likely, just be screwed over, yet again. It's a tough pill to swallow actually, realising you'd like something in your life and not having the faith and trust to seek it out. It's a bit sad tbh

Tbh, I agree with you.

That's so lovely @SpentDandelion I really wish I would have had that sort of relationship modelling in my life like you had with your Mum and Dad.

And I completely agree that for a healthy relationship to work, both partners need to pull their own weight... but from what I've seen first hand, and read here and elsewhere, the very vast majority of men just don't.

@PotentialMisandrist

I understand what you're saying OP - it's that emotional connection/ sexual intimacy that's missing in your life. But as you are aware, this can only come about with someone you trust first and foremost. I'm wondering if you or your son have any hobbies or interests that would enable you to meet people/ men on a 'friends' basis. Or through work perhaps?

I have known several couples who have started out as friends before their relationship became romantic and they are all the better for starting out with zero expectations. (It tends to take the pressure off both parties!)

I don't despise all men and I do think there are good ones out there, but it's few and far between and you always have that risk. So I've not lost faith in men, but I have lost faith in having any good luck myself or a successful, loving relationship in general. Every single man I have ever been with has made my life harder and "chore" like, one way or another. It's always ended negatively, either quite sad or absolutely devastating. I spent most of my 30s and the whole of my 20s obsessing over it, then a year ago at 37 I just snapped, quit and vowed to remain single. Now I know I will 100% never be with anyone else again. I don't miss sex at all, I'm done with it all. I'm taking up volunteer work, I'm learning new things and taking up new hobbies. It does sadden me very occasionally that I had to resort to plan B but it doesn't devastate me anymore. I just wish there were other people like me in real life, as in my own real life. I only ever find them on here.

I was saying this only yesterday. Fortunately, I've never been averse to dating women so will be only doing this in future.

Yes, for the reasons PPs have mentioned, I think a successful romantic relationship with one is very unlikely for me, also exacerbated by my not fitting in very well in the area I live.

I went in naively and hopefully again and again, but found them to lack life skills; to be unfaithful; to be easily threatened by any autonomy of mine. So I'm out, with the caveat that friendship might be possible.
But on the plus side it frees up a load of time for other stuff.

OP, I have a wonderful husband, dad, BIL and (nearly) son-in-law, and I agree with you! The ill that men do to both women and the world is unbelievable. I'm beginning to think good men are the exception and that the majority of males are abusive twats.

YANBU

Ooh I like your vibe

@JunglePug I do actually meet loads of people through my work and I'm very involved with my son's school activities etc but I do rarely meet single men through these avenues. I have to admit outside of that in a bit of homebody and don't participate in group hobbies... maybe this is something I should try this year. Maybe my local walking, hiking clubs etc are where all the decent, dependable trustworthy men are? One can hope I guess!

I have dated numerous men since separating from my son's father 8 years ago, some just a couple of dates, a couple who I had longer relationships with... ALL of them completely useless and sucked the life out of me. I do also dabble in online dating so it's not that I'm not open to meeting men, it's just that ALL of the men I've met have been truly awful in one way or another.

@LotteryWinPlease I'm only a couple of years behind you and honestly I can see myself making the same decision down the line to just stay single for the remainder of my days. Really admire how you've embraced this plan B x

@ReadtheReviews as I said down thread, I'm also bisexual and while I've not had romantic relationships with women, maybe this is something I should explore. I do actually think I'm a really good, kind and thoughtful partner and would have a lot to offer and this might be actually be appreciated and reciprocated by the right female partner in a way that male partners just don't.

I've always thought it's better to meet potential partners in the 'real world' rather than online, though I guess that could work for some folk. I've been with the same woman for 23 years, (happily), so perhaps I'm not the best person to advise on modern dating etiquette!