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Original poster

Being a mother: as hard as you expected? Would you do it had you known what it entailed?

132 replies

ReeseWitherfork · 02/01/2023 20:44

I keep seeing things online which essentially say that if more women realised how hard raising children was then they probably wouldn’t do it. Apparently it’s one of those things that’s “never talked about” and yet I feel like it’s constantly talked about.

Do you think the regularity in which this point is made is reflective of how popular the opinion is?

I find parenting hard (emotionally, logistically) but also so very rewarding. And the latter monumentally outweighs the former. I really wasn’t naive to how laborious parenting is; maybe that’s helped? Are there women that go into parenting with different expectations? But also, perhaps my opinion is swayed by how useful my partner is. I see too often on here how different the reality is for some women. He is my equal, and he gives me both ample support and breaks, so maybe that helps me to not feel so weighed down with motherhood.

That’s my little brain-dump. Just wanted to open a discussion really… see what others thought?

OP posts:
Pyvadanya · 02/01/2023 20:48

Yeah it's hard when you don't get much sleep but I love it. The level of difficulty I experience as a mum of 3 is very manageable and is less that how I imagined having 1 would be. For me, parenting js easier than I expected. No body prepared me for childbirth though that's a different story.

yummyscummymummy01 · 02/01/2023 20:52

It's been harder than I expected. My first is a complete handful and I then went on to have twins. So there are reasons for my feelings about it. I don't regret it though.

Butwhichoneistheman · 02/01/2023 20:55

It’s been much easier than I anticipated but I’m very realistic bordering on pessimistic, and had looked after niblings frequently and overnight for up to 5 days. It’s all about the size of the gap between expectations and reality.

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Families
talkingmorenonsense · 02/01/2023 20:56

They never stop being your children. You worry about them, forever. It’s way harder than I ever thought possible.

Nimbostratus100 · 02/01/2023 20:57

I also found it much easier than expected, having listened to the constant constant refrain throughout our culture about how hard hard hard it is.

Chicca1970 · 02/01/2023 20:59

I certainly don’t regret having my children but I deeply regret choosing the man I had them with - all 3 of mine were delightful babies & young kids but have been horrific (and I don’t use the word inaccurately) teens - DS25 & DD21 both lovely now but DD16 awful - I have had all the rage about their useless Father directed at me and I am responsible for pretty much everything financial - it has been bloody hard work but, like I said, his fault and not theirs.

Poinsettas · 02/01/2023 21:00

My DC wasn’t difficult relative to some stories re. sleepless nights but sleep deprivation and having a supportive partner is ‘easy’ relative to what comes when they’re older. It’s way beyond basic needs and what’s in your control at that point and that is much scarier/stressful.

Beginningless · 02/01/2023 21:00

Waaay harder than I expected. I thought I knew, but I had no idea. I adore my kids but definitely for me the sense of hard work outweighs the sense of reward. I think the childhood you had is a big factor, being a parent brought a lot up for me.

Lemonademoney · 02/01/2023 21:00

I think it very much depends on the support system each family has around them, both in terms of an involved partner and the wider family. I really do think some mums have it much tougher than others.

BooCrew · 02/01/2023 21:03

Much, much harder than I expected. Not the parenting, but the lack of freedom. I can't do what I want anymore, unless I check with my partner first. If I do get some time to myself I know I'll have to solo parent to make up for it. I used to be very independent, would often go away for the weekend to see friends or family on my own, did things on my own at the weekend. Now everything is family time unless I request otherwise.

I love my son more than anything in the world and I love spending time with him, but I need time on my own to be sane and I just don't get enough.

VivaVivaa · 02/01/2023 21:07

Harder than I expected. I so wish I had more local family support and earned more so I could reduce my work hours. I still would have done it if I’d known as DS gives me so much joy.

SpaceRaiders · 02/01/2023 21:08

I suppose there are so many variables no one situation can truly be compared. I found it far harder than I’d anticipated, even with the experience of younger siblings, nieces/nephews etc. I’ve done it largely alone. My “village” is abroad and no hope of relocating there for various reasons. I love my girls and it is so rewarding but I’d probably not have children had I known the real impact to my mental and physical health.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 02/01/2023 21:09

Hmm. Might not have had 3 …. Although dc3 is bloody lovely.

I think if I’d known I was letting myself in for 20 years of sleepless nights (dc with medical condition) I might have chosen to get a puppy instead, so it’s probably a good thing I didn’t know.

harktheherold · 02/01/2023 21:11

Becoming a mum was (and still is) more knackering and mentally draining than I anticipated. Even though everyone warned me about it and mine are easygoing, cheerful and healthy.

OP what you say about logistics really resonates with me. The mental load (ie planning, worrying, prepping, troubleshooting, juggling) is what's most burdensome for me. Whereas the time spent actually looking after my DC is (mostly!) very rewarding and enjoyable.

Original poster
ReeseWitherfork · 02/01/2023 21:11

yummyscummymummy01 · 02/01/2023 20:52

It's been harder than I expected. My first is a complete handful and I then went on to have twins. So there are reasons for my feelings about it. I don't regret it though.

Oh I hear you! Twins is next level. I have a 3yo and 8m old twins. I find twins harder than I ever imagined they would be; I panicked endlessly when I was pregnant with them and thought I was expecting the worst but it’s been nothing I could have imagined. It has pretty much broken me. But I would still do it over again if I had the option. And they’re definitely not reason enough for me to join in on (as @Nimbostratus100 perfectly put it) ”the constant constant refrain throughout our culture about how hard it is”.

OP posts:
TheMagicSword · 02/01/2023 21:12

Vastly harder than I thought. Not so much the parenting, but the loss of self. I knew my life would be turned upside down and inside out, but I don’t think it was possible for me to really understand what that would feel like. So I don’t think it’s a question of “if you knew how hard it was” it’s more that you can’t know how it will feel.

Puppers · 02/01/2023 21:13

I have exceptional support and, while we're not wealthy, we don't have money worries so in practical terms motherhood is easy for me (relatively speaking). I was however very unprepared for PND and for the emotional burden of parenting. I don't think it's really spoken about in a way that reflects my experience and that of my close friends.

If I could put aside my love for my children then I think, being honest, I'm not sure I'd choose motherhood if I had my time again. The constant worry about them, about the kind of world I've brought them into, about what their life will be like. And the guilt at either feeling like I'm neglecting them because I'm working or guilty that I'm not contributing financially when I've been a SAHM. It all weighs heavily on me. Then again, they are just the light of my life and I utterly adore them, which makes it all worth it.

I will make sure that they don't see partnership/marriage and parenthood as "just what people do", but rather one lifestyle choice that a person can make. I will make sure that they know that being single is equally valid. That not having children is equally valid.

EarringsandLipstick · 02/01/2023 21:14

The things people say are hard, I didn't find hard - sleepless nights, labour, breastfeeding, going out & about with small DC, teenagers & discipline etc.

But I do find it hard; very very hard. I constantly worry if I'm doing a good enough job - I'm a single parent, 3 DC, stressed!

I now have 2 teens & 1 preteen & the worry is so hard! Not about anything awful happening, but about their futures, school work, friendships, am I doing enough, saying yes / no enough or too little.

And I'm tired! I love my kids, but God I'd love a metaphorical day off from the responsibility & worry.

FourTeaFallOut · 02/01/2023 21:15

The first year was far, far harder. Everything else was far, far easier.

fajitaaaa · 02/01/2023 21:17

Incredibly hard. So touched out. So fed up of the climbing the not listening. The not knowing if what I'm doing is right. The guilt when I get it wrong.

123woop · 02/01/2023 21:17

I agree - I've now had two friends cry at me when they were both about 7/8 months pregnant and say that they "must have made a terrible decision" to have children because so many people had told them how awful it was. I was baffled - not only that people would say something like that to a pregnant woman, but also how you can possibly get through life being so negative. Yes it has its challenges, but my god the rewards!!! It's the best thing I ever ever did and even on the "toughest" days, there will always be at least 3 times my kids made me laugh or did something heartwarming.
Both friends have now had the babies (one is now a toddler) and agree that it's the best thing ever and can't understand why people drone on and on about "oh poor me" and how "hard" it is 😂

Original poster
ReeseWitherfork · 02/01/2023 21:18

Poinsettas · 02/01/2023 21:00

My DC wasn’t difficult relative to some stories re. sleepless nights but sleep deprivation and having a supportive partner is ‘easy’ relative to what comes when they’re older. It’s way beyond basic needs and what’s in your control at that point and that is much scarier/stressful.

Yes you raise an interesting point. I’d be curious to see how I feel when I have three teenagers! My sister has teenagers and the mental anguish they seem to cause is monumental, both when they are trying to and when they aren’t!

Hard to currently imagine anything harder than two babies that wake hourly overnight but I know full well this is potentially nothing compared to what’s coming in 13 years…

OP posts:
dollyblack · 02/01/2023 21:18

Yes, harder than i expected. I was perhaps quite naively shocked at how little family support there is. I grew up with grandparents and aunties etc around supporting my mum (not for childcare to work, just generally about to lighten the load a bit doing things for each other) and there is NONE of that for us. It means DH and i have had to constantly tag team and due to the nature DH work i’ve never been able to go back full time. I never expected family childcare but i did think there might be a bit more of a “village”.

lljkk · 02/01/2023 21:18

I'm not as good a parent as I'd like to be.
My life would have been fine if I never became a parent.

noideabutstilltrying · 02/01/2023 21:19

I have found being a mum so hard.

My husband used to be fantastic but 6 years ago decided it wasn't for him and he needed to please himself.

My children are brilliant but it's hard with no support from my family and their Dad being picky about when he wants to be a Dad.

Financially and emotionally it's just draining.