Being a mother: as hard as you expected? Would you do it had you known what it entailed?

[ReeseWitherfork]

I keep seeing things online which essentially say that if more women realised how hard raising children was then they probably wouldn’t do it. Apparently it’s one of those things that’s “never talked about” and yet I feel like it’s constantly talked about.

Do you think the regularity in which this point is made is reflective of how popular the opinion is?

I find parenting hard (emotionally, logistically) but also so very rewarding. And the latter monumentally outweighs the former. I really wasn’t naive to how laborious parenting is; maybe that’s helped? Are there women that go into parenting with different expectations? But also, perhaps my opinion is swayed by how useful my partner is. I see too often on here how different the reality is for some women. He is my equal, and he gives me both ample support and breaks, so maybe that helps me to not feel so weighed down with motherhood.

That’s my little brain-dump. Just wanted to open a discussion really… see what others thought?

For me it was much harder than I hoped it would be although I feel I went in with a very realistic take on motherhood. It's how it changed me I don't like. I'm another one who feels the relentlessness, the worry and drudgery even though I have a supportive husband isn't ultimately worth it, the moments of joy are for others, my children not for me. The things I long to do will have to wait until I am an old lady.

I would not have them again but would never admit this to anyone in real life.

I think each stage is rewarding & difficult in different ways, and is dependent on the individual (child + parent!)

I find having teens really hard; even tho there's nothing awful happening, they're pretty good kids.

I still do laugh with them, feel proud of them & enjoy the teasing & messing that we have between us now. They can help around the house, cook dinners, put on washes (not necessarily enthusiastically!) so there is a lot that is much easier.

But the mental dilemmas kill me - I am an over thinker & a worrier - I fear I'll look back & think I should have done so much differently.

To be honest, I don’t remember what I thought it would be like if that makes sense? 🙈. I probably underestimated the lack of time to yourself during the days…I’m in the thick of it with a 1 and 4 year old.

My mum made it look easy and never shouted at us. So I feel like the worst mum in the world and it all gets too much for me.

I would be completely lost without my kids and I also work with children (teens). I can’t imagine being fulfilled in life without children.
with my first, ds, I fell completely in love and he was adorable. Dd came along 19 months later and she then and still now has strong opinions! At the beginning it was that she did not ever want to be put down or have anything other than breast milk from source. Also utterly adorable but at that stage I did have to admit there were times when I was not enjoying myself particularly, trying to manage the demands of two very little ones. Had another after a big gap and again very enjoyable with the older 2 helping as well. I’ve been very lucky.

I find it much harder than I expected, all my family all spoke about raising children with rose tinted glasses and always said how wonderful it is. The reality is it’s very difficult and DD can be such a handful with epic meltdowns at times. It’s hard not having any family help (I always thought they would considering I’ve had the pressure to produce grandchildren since I was 17). I think modern parenting is very intense because you’re expected to entertain your children and play with them constantly “making memories” rather than just turf them out all day with their friends. I severely underestimated how much alone time I need in order to stay sane. I’m very sociable with lots of friends but I also need to spend a lot of time alone and switch off from the world. This isn’t possible with a young child. I adore DD, she’s incredible but I will not be having any more children. One is my absolute limit, I find it mind boggling that people have lots of children.

Financially and emotionally it's just draining.

Yes! I was always prepared for how expensive babies / small DC were eg re childcare.

But teens seem to drain you of money. Even food - my grocery bill is double what it was a few years ago, and I've become the screechy woman going on about drinking all the milk and eating all the bread while the fruit bowl remains intact!

It's also trying to decide what's reasonable or not re money - my DC do a lot of sports; cumulatively it adds up, and I agonise over what I should be funding or not.

I don't know about other people but I didn't find motherhood hard. I was a single mum at 21. Baby wasn't planned. I was half way through my nurses training at the time so I took maternity leave then went back.
He was an amazing baby and was sleeping through at 6 weeks, he'd go down at bedtime with no fuss.
I was very slim and fit and had a lot of energy so when he was walking we'd go running round the park and have a go on all the swings and slides, we'd go out for a long walk in the afternoons.
I'd stick him in the child seat on my bike and we loved cycling for miles, when he was old enough we went out cycling together on two bikes.
When I went back to work he had a childminder he loved and she did lots of activities with him. Childminders in those days weren't 1K a month like they are now, they were affordable.
He was always able to amuse himself and liked to spend every spare minute drawing and painting, now at 40 he is a professional fine artist so I guess he always loved art.
I think at 21 I just never got tired, if I'd had him at 38 plus I'm not sure how I would have coped energy wise because I definitely started getting more tired then and there is no way I'd have gone out for a 10 mile bike ride after work in the summer.
People are having children later and later and it must be really hard, at 21 I was quite childlike myself and keen to be off doing things, I'd think nothing of sticking him in the car as a baby and going off camping to a festival and staying up all hours listening to music, he loved it.
My siblings had their kids in their 40's and they are finding it really really hard and are exhausted most of the time.
I also didn't have a husband to worry about, it was just me and DS so that made life so much easier.
We are very close now but because I was so young we are still into the same things and have so much in common so its a much more relaxed relationship.
I think age has a good deal to do with it and of course I only had one.

When babies/children are young it’s about sleep and feeding. Then it’s developmental and behaviour. If you get through that it’s how they get on at school. After that it’s out of your control largely. Social media, friendship groups, jobs, partnerships - the latter are way more stressful in my view. You are no longer the centre of their world and (if lucky) will still have some influence.

You’ll hear it often but worth repeating - enjoy the snuggles 🥰 even if it’s whilst they’re awake at 4am.

25 years as a lone parent.

Wasn't what I wanted, expected or was 'promised'.

Youngest is 13.

You do what you have to do. I'm more than happy with the outcome.

I found it easy but DS was an easy baby, I had him at 45 so I was not worried about going back to social life, and nights out. I took my full year maternity leave, and managed to breast feed for 18 months. None of it was a surprise except ex morphing into 1950s man and refusing to help at all..

I split from ex when DS was two but we just 'nested' until DS was a bit older.

If I'd known what it would have been like I'd never have had children.

I never wanted children because I had a realistic expectation of what it would be like. However, DH convinced me he'd be a hands on parent, both sets of grandparents offered support etc.

In reality, my first child has been difficult at every stage and still doesnt sleep. Grandparents have babysat a grand total of three times. DH is largely useless, has never got up with the children (told me if he did the baby would die and of cot death and it would be my fault) and can't be trusted to dress them in clothes that are weather appropriate and fit (or cook them a dinner in a timely manner that they'll eat). But makes a big show of taking them out once a week so that I can do housework so everyone thinks he's a real hands on dad.

I love my children but it has ruined my life, mental health and career. My DH is as 'woke', feminist and talks the talk as they come so I had no way to guess that he'd be so useless, despite everyone warning me that's what happens.

If given the choice I'd do it all again because I couldn't undo them. Despite dc1 being a nightmare I adore the bones of her and she'll either lead a great nation or a terrifying cult one day. Dc2 is my reward for not eating the first one like a stressed hamster

and of course I only had one.

This definitely makes a difference. I expect I'd worry & feel fraught with 1 - but what I find hard is juggling the competing needs of 3!

(But I really can never imagine being without my kids. I really wanted to be a mother - partly why I ended up in such an abusive marriage, I really wanted to be married & have DC)

I saw this quote by Rob Delaney and recently sent it to my friend who is expecting. I thought it summed it up so beautifully.

Yes, it's hard but so so so good!

Harder than I expected.
More joyful than I expected.
That’s it really.

I think that Rob Delaney quote is kind of rubbish, tbh (much as I love Rob!)

The joy of parenting is indescribable, sure; but the other stuff, financial worries, exhaustion, stress is unimaginably harder when you have dependents. I can cope with me having less money than is ideal, but when it impacts on my DC, that's different.

And the tiredness - whether it's the newborn / baby stage (which I didn't find hard) or the mental & physical exhaustion of managing teens (where I am now) is not like anything you've had pre-kids.

I've found it to be brilliant. Sometimes tiring but overwhelmingly lovely. But I think I'm pretty lucky. My toddler is very good and I work 4 days per week so I get 3 full days with him.

There’s another thread at the moment with a parent of a profoundly autistic child. So hard to read and such good parents. You just don’t know what card you’re going to be dealt.

I found my kids very easy when they were young but the teenage years have been a HUGE struggle.

A lot is my own fault as I have become incredibly anxious and worry about them when they are out.

Dc2 is my reward for not eating the first one like a stressed hamster

@CatOfTheLand this might just be the best sentence i've read on MN yet

🤣🤣🤣

@Saynow
That’s it I think, we played out all through the summer, and weekends and evenings from around 6.
We would call for our friends unannounced, they’d usually come out unless having their dinner.
We came home when the street lights came on.
It just doesn’t happen like that anymore. Play dates are pre arranged, they need supervision. Camping is the nearest to ‘playing out’ of old, but sometimes you just end up supervising stranger’s children.
I think it’s much more intense.

I have 3 DC and expecting my 4th. I've found parenting relatively easy. I didn't have a good mum, so I've thrown myself into the role and love to have long talks, do activities with, feed nourishing meals etc.

However. I DETEST the constant battle of wanting a tidy house, having a tidy house for a day or two, then it all winding up a mess. I wish it didn't bother me as much, but the burden of house work and washing etc just stresses me beyond belief. I can deal with money worries, kid issues, illness etc. I enjoy washing clothes, hate hate hate putting them away.

DC are of an age that they help now, but we are still not on top of it. I don't think I ever have a day where everything is 'just so' by the evening and I can relax.

I feel like this too beejeez but it's but it's not when they are out; it's about school, friendships, their upsets re sports...

I am anxious about if I'm firm enough about screens or chores or attitude ... or if I'm too firm!

I mean, day to day I get on with it; but have lots of moments of 'I'm not doing this right'. (I didn't have those doubts when they were little!)

It’s so hard to put into words. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be the type of mum I want to be and that sometimes stops me from enjoying it as much as I should. My family/ friends say I’m patient and loving but I feel exasperated at times.
I love my children to the ends of the earth but I do feel as though everything is a juggle, all of the time. If I’m not rushing between home, 2 places of childcare and work I’m at home feeling I should be going somewhere “fun” for them when really I’m drowning in housework and life admin.
The practicalities of parenting I don’t find difficult. We’re financially stable enough that they are warm and well fed. They each have quality time with us both and know they are adored. It’s the emotional and mental load that I find much more difficult than I ever imagined. I just don’t have ‘time’ anymore

I agree!!! 😀