Being a mother: as hard as you expected? Would you do it had you known what it entailed?

[ReeseWitherfork]

I keep seeing things online which essentially say that if more women realised how hard raising children was then they probably wouldn’t do it. Apparently it’s one of those things that’s “never talked about” and yet I feel like it’s constantly talked about.

Do you think the regularity in which this point is made is reflective of how popular the opinion is?

I find parenting hard (emotionally, logistically) but also so very rewarding. And the latter monumentally outweighs the former. I really wasn’t naive to how laborious parenting is; maybe that’s helped? Are there women that go into parenting with different expectations? But also, perhaps my opinion is swayed by how useful my partner is. I see too often on here how different the reality is for some women. He is my equal, and he gives me both ample support and breaks, so maybe that helps me to not feel so weighed down with motherhood.

That’s my little brain-dump. Just wanted to open a discussion really… see what others thought?

Depends on so many variables, yes it's been very hard in different stages with a few golden years when they are little but no longer totally dependant.
Then come the teen years and Covid lockdowns and family struggles and life gets harder.
If you throw mental health issues into the mix and friendship issues it has been the hardest few years. I would never regret it though they are both wonderful and kind young people who enrich my life.
I dont think i ever realised how totally i would have to give myself to the process and how much my happiness depends on theirs.
If I went back and told myself all this and said you have a choice but then showed myself just one of the photos of us all I know what past me would choose.

0-7 was blissful - even with my youngest who didn't sleep through until ages 6. I didn't care about being woken in the night- I loved it actually. And I was never bothered about the graft or drudgery. But after 7 the emotional toll has got too much for me. They are now 22 and 18 and it's very very hard. I thought it would get easier so that hasn't helped!

I didn't bank on losing my sister and mum in the first four/6 years of her life so they didn't help. No family support now so yes very very hard.

I used to sing Wonderwall all the time when I was pregnant and driving with my firstborn. I don't know why really.
But it couldn't be more true

Because maybe
You're gonna be the on that saves me...

I have two now and it's hard. Sleepless nights, working every spare second I can so I don't have to use full time childcare for the youngest or wrap around for the second.

But I have meaning and purpose. I actually believe in myself now because I know how much I'm needed.

But it's been hard on the partner front. It's hard to be the glue that sticks everything together ...all ...the ...time. And to only really be able to trust myself to do what needs to be done and when and how. I am exhausted!

I find it hard that I have to be happy chirpy and cheerful to ensure that everyone else will have a good day. To always be 'on'.

But I think of my two children constantly and they are my everything. I have progressed and achieved more career wise too - I am doing it for then, and honestly I'm not sure I can truly rely on any one else so I need to be able to provide financially as well as emotionally, physically etc.

They are young now though. It's a tough world they are growing up in. So that's scary.

I think the difficulty is that even if people do tell you how hard it is, having your own children is so completely different to any other experience you will have had, there's no way you can REALLY know what that means.

Also, all children are different. Some (at whichever stage) are so much harder than others, regardless of how you parent them.

We have a 6 month DS so still in the early stages. It's harder in ways I hadn't imagined, the relentless need to be 'on' and cheerful when you're really tired or just want to lie on the sofa and watch friends and switch off! I worry about money; I don't worry about putting the heating on or food on the table but COL crisis is really going to bite on the fun stuff I think. But much easier in other ways; I had expected to be up all through the night but we have a unicorn baby who just slept. We've never had to do the endless rocking to sleep in the night etc.

I think nearly everything comes down to the support you have from your partner and your wider family. I'm lucky in that DP really pulls his weight. He knows him as well as I do so I can confidently leave DS for a bath or to cook a nice dinner which I enjoy doing and feels like time for me. I do feel like the household manager too though and we do argue about that sometimes.

The older he gets the more I enjoy it, as he becomes more interactive or how happy he is to see me when I walk in a room.

I had 4 years to worry and stress about how hard it was going to be as we struggled with infertility and recurrent miscarriages so I think the reality of it was better than I had stressed for so long about.

I have endless admiration and respect for single parents though. I cannot imagine how difficult that is.

"I knew very well that I would be giving up spontaneous meals out, leisurely lie-ins etc for a number of years"

@Cuppasoupmonster Absolutely clueless to what some mothers go through 🤨

Much harder than I expected. I probably wouldn't have done it. Ds1 is very hard, ds2 easier. But my mum made us 3 look so easy. I was lulled into a false sense of security because of how amazing she is, how easy she made it look.

Plus, my mum says I was a very easy child, very compliant. Ds1 particularly is quite a different personality to me. Much more difficult.

I have found it very hard. Ds1 broke me. I made many mistakes. I probably wouldn't do it again, if I'd have known.

Plus raising children is different now. My parents were extremely loving but quite firm but fair and took no-nonsense. I wouldn't even dream of speaking to my mum the way that DS1 speaks to me. I don't put up with it. But even having it, to constantly deal with, is draining. I find most of DS2's mums extremely weak and mollycoddle their children and let them get away with murder and I don't like this style of parenting. DS2 says we are harsh compared to all his friends because we make him do chores like pair the socks and the wiping the downstairs toilet floor on a Saturday. he says none of his friends do jobs and when I go to football and speak to all the other mums and when I go to parents evening it is indeed, true, literally none of them, none of them whatsoever do jobs. He DS2 is the only one. I feel like I'm an alien in this Mandy Pandy mollycoddling parenting world which is nothing like the parenting I received and I don't like it, and I believe that my parents did a beautifully managed job, loving but fair and no nonsense to me. I don't know where that kind of parenting has gone.

Talking about her reality doesn’t automatically make her clueless to mothers with additional hardships or complications. Gatekeeping really isn’t on.

i know I’ve had much shutter time than most with having children but I’d still do it for the sheer joy my DD brings me.
Though if I’d known that my first DD would be stillborn at full term and all that went with that, that my only living DD (who is amazing) would be so severely disabled and to top it off that I’d be sexually assaulted by her doctor, leaving me with all her local medical service providers thinking that I’m a malicious liar for reporting it, never in a million years would I have even contemplated having children.
My life before children was somewhat empty but I never thought it could go this way.
Id endure years of sleeplessness (I more or less have to anyway given DD doesn’t sleep properly) to take away her disabilities and to erase that cunt doctor from the planet.
Probably best we can’t see into the future

Shitter not shutter

I loved being a mum when my 3 kids were little.

Teenage years have been an endless slog of trouble at school, weed smoking, mental health issues, arguments, nastiness etc.

No i wouldn't have done it if id have known, there is nothing rewarding about this.

I’m amazed anyone found it easier than they expected but as others have said it comes down to so many different variables. You, your child & external factors. I don’t think it’s a bad thing that people tell you it’s hard as it’s such a huge commitment & responsibility. Doom mongering isn’t helpful though.
I’m glad I have my DD but I’m so glad I only have one. Since her birth there’s been Covid, cancer & many other things to contend with. I know personally one is more than enough for me!

@BigusBumus1 That sounds so hard.

From personal experience and what I've seen with friends etc. kids often have a long period 'away' from their parents, growing up and finding their feet and all the things it involves. Fingers crossed it goes full circle and they come back to you once they are adults and you might find you need one another again in whole new ways.

In my experience, Babies are harder than I thought but I think that's mostly due to the lack of sleep. It drives you mad.
Crazy toddlers are hard going too. You have to keep an eye on them constantly as they're inquisitive but have no sense of danger.
Once they hit 4, then I found it wonderful. They're chatty, enjoy being with you, like to go places. Really good fun.
Plus you get a lot more time back.
There were still wonderful times during the younger years but it's just physically and mentally demanding.
I have teenagers now and they're fab.
I do think it's all really hard if you work full time or don't have a partner or a supportive partner.

Well hopefully that will prepare you for the teenage years!

I found the early years ok, i was ok at that but with eldest ds and his teenage years i was not ok at it. I have found parenting him very tricky and i have got it wrong often. I am not sure why but we clash and it is sad.

I think anyone choosing to have a child now can find out how hard it is by simply looking on line. Parents today have parents who will tell them how hard it is. Social media is full of parenting memes etc telling you how crap it can be.
Today choosing to become a parent is a choice.
In the past women did not have that choice. Anyone who didn’t comply with the route of engagement, marriage, children was frown upon and looked down upon. Contraception and termination was not routinely available. Today it is. Even in my lifetime there were jobs and careers I could not partake in.
It always amazes me how totally shit some parents are and they always go on and have more than one child.
In the past women could not get support from places such as mumsnet. They could not seek support about giving birth, the subject was almost taboo.
My experience was that it was harder. Childbirth was much harder than I had been led to believe but I did end up having a horrendous experience and ended up with 5 doctors attending to me. Women are given much better treatment now. Parenting was hard, but I did put my all into it and was determined to put my dcs first. I’m very proud of the fact that even though I wasn’t perfect and made mistakes, I always did my best and put my family first. I think I’ve done a decent job. My dcs have turned out great, even if I do say so myself. Like anything in life, you have to put the effort in to get the results.

Also I had very little help.
It was myself and dh and he worked very long hours to support us so it was mainly me. I was quite envious of friends who had lots of family support.

Also now my dcs are adults and have flown the nest I am extremely close to all of them. I gave them the confidence and tools to flew the nest early. I can only think this was down to them feeling secure enough to find their own way in life. None of them have ever said that they couldn’t wait to leave home!

I have enjoyed reading this thread. Quite sad in places, but I appreciate the honesty and feel ‘seen’ in hearing many describe how I feel. It’s making me reflect upon what women give of themselves, that the all encompassing nature of what we offer our children is connected to the joy we experience also. I think!

I am wondering what this thread would look like if it asked men how easy or hard they found fatherhood.

It made me and made me feel totally vulnerable without back up.
Had I had family back up it would be a totally different story.

I found it harder than I thought I would but it gets easier every year (she's nearly 6 now) and I would do it all again in a heartbeat. Literally my pride and joy, despite spending the fist six months eating nothing but Frosties and living in a haze of "what the fuck have I done" 😂.

This is what I struggled with. Massively.

I went back to work full time in a career I'd spent so long building when she was 9 months and it wasn't really a choice in terms of my mental health. I was slipping down a hole of losing myself.

As soon as I went back to work the balance of life seemed to put itself right for me, there was life outside of nappies and bottles. I was a much better parent for it.

I'm late to this thread, but I would agree about the feeling of a loss of self. Returning to work full time when each child was 7 months was as much for my mental health as it was financial. Some people were pretty cruel with their comments.

There's pros and cons of all the stages. We're entering the tween years. I've just ordered some parenting books for the first time since the baby years. Navigating the growing independence, friendships and screens is quite terrifying!