Being a mother: as hard as you expected? Would you do it had you known what it entailed?

[ReeseWitherfork]

I keep seeing things online which essentially say that if more women realised how hard raising children was then they probably wouldn’t do it. Apparently it’s one of those things that’s “never talked about” and yet I feel like it’s constantly talked about.

Do you think the regularity in which this point is made is reflective of how popular the opinion is?

I find parenting hard (emotionally, logistically) but also so very rewarding. And the latter monumentally outweighs the former. I really wasn’t naive to how laborious parenting is; maybe that’s helped? Are there women that go into parenting with different expectations? But also, perhaps my opinion is swayed by how useful my partner is. I see too often on here how different the reality is for some women. He is my equal, and he gives me both ample support and breaks, so maybe that helps me to not feel so weighed down with motherhood.

That’s my little brain-dump. Just wanted to open a discussion really… see what others thought?

It’s much easier and much better than I expected. I thought it would be horrific and very nearly didn’t bother. Snuck in a late one and to my mild annoyance find it’s actually bloody great! I could’ve had a few if I’d realised I’d like it and be quite good at it.

It was all much harder than I expected. I thought it would be easier because most people do it more than once so how hard can it be (ha!)

@GoT1904

I hear you.

I have found Christmas hard for this reason. They do all help; but I seem to spend hours each day tidying, cleaning, washing, before I can justify some leisure time (for me).

Pretty much my exact sentiments. (Apart from my labours were hard, and I only have two, a little younger at 12 and seven.)

Bfing was effortless, co-sleeping is bliss. They are healthy, nt, fun and fabulous.

But the STRESS of what kind of world I've brought them into, the stress worrying about the state of the country, job market, making ends meet, is very very hard indeed.
I worry pretty much daily about how they will manage financially in life. We live in the sw and property prices are insane.
I'm also a single parent, and life is so hard. I have precisely zero family support. So, that's hard.

If I had money, a home of our own, a partner and some family, motherhood would be much easier for me.

The actual being with them, loving them, I find easy and I love it. I had them quite late and was over partying, and though I had a good job pre-kids, it didn't identify me and I don't miss it (I now do something easier, fitting it in around the kids).

I didn't realise how difficult having two young children would be, and I'd probably aim for a larger age gap if I had the chance again. I now understand that the difficulties of raising children vary significantly depending on the pressures a family face. We work shifts, we rarely have time together because we need to alternate shifts in order to have childcare in the evenings and overnight (which means that if we aren't working we're inevitably caring for two kids on our own), we have no family help, my eldest wakes at 5-5.30am every day.... etc. If I worked 9-5, had a partner who worked 9-5, could use nursery to cover those hours and then had a partner around to help in the evenings and overnight and at the weekend I imagine I might feel differently. Of course, I don't regret it, but it's tough.

I don't regret it but it was a million times harder than I expected.

Mainly hard in terms of accepting that my old life was over.

First Daughter was an amazing baby (but I didn't realise it until I had my second). But I really, really struggled with not being able to just go out and meet friends any more, not being able to have a meal in peace, not being able to have a nice relaxing bath, not being able to watch TV properly any more, not having evenings to myself again. Losing every part of me. Suddenly having no idea who I was, what I liked doing.

Once I had my second, I truly accepted that my old life was gone and it made things a lot easier. 2nd kid is 2 and a fucking nightmare but for some reason I don't find it as hard.

Still don't regret it though :)

I found it harder in some ways and easier in others than I imagined. I genuinely love it and it is the absolute best thing I’ve ever done. Being a mother makes me genuinely happy.

Isn’t this why people don’t have big families so much anymore? Because it’s so hard? I found 1 child pretty easy, 2 was much harder but getting easier now as they get more independent. But it’s the pressure externally that I find enormous rather than the parenting itself. When I look at my parents, we have to do everything they did, but also find an extra 39 hours a week for me to work. I also walked to the shop as a child, got the bus to school, and played outside in the street with neighbouring kids. Now I’m expected to accompany my child at all
times and provide adult supervised activities outside school hours. The neighbours would frown upon the kids playing in the street while I cooked dinner indoors but that was perfectly acceptable before. I feel like society is getting more and more uptight and less relaxed about what kids do and how they are brought up. For me that’s been harder than the parenting itself.

It’s much harder than I expected, the hardest thing ever. But I love my kids more than anything so it’s all worth it! That’s why many go on to have another child knowing how hard it was the first time.

Easier than it was made out to be. But then I’d raised my siblings so was an old hand by the time I had my own.

Ds1 surprised me by how content he was. Ds2 was born and he was the complete opposite. I questioned myself regularly if I should give him up. But he seemed to find comfort in drinking from my breast. I knew it was not his fault for being so difficult (only power napping while attached to the breast. How was i meant to sleep safely while feeding a premature baby with reflux). By God's grace we survived his first year (especially those gruesome first few months before I figured out he also sleeps in the car).

My dc are still young, they are all worth it. I don't regret having them, but if the option of giving myself some rest or advice came up, I would take it. Altering my life path.

I would also like to talk to my younger self and make better carer choices. So I worried less about money.

@WanderWomanWW

Great to read your post, I agree so much re the 'loving' them part - that has always been straightforward for me; and they are essentially my whole life - not in some obsessed mother way, just that as a single mother with not enough money (despite decent job), I don't really socialise, I haven't dated since my marriage ended ... my life is work ... and my kids (and their sports).

I think the single parent without a support network must be a big part of how we both feel - my DC father is a nightmare who they now want nothing to do with - I feel if I had a committed spouse I could thrash out my concerns with them, and get their perspective & wouldn't feel so alone.

I have no family nearby that can help practically; and in terms of emotional support, they don't understand (and my DC are older than theirs anyway).

Harder than I thought but it's all relative I guess. I may have found it a bit easier if I had a supportive partner or better physical health. I wouldn't change it though.

@CloudSunLeavesCoud

It's interesting - I think parenting now is so much more involved than it was when I was growing up. My DM worked f/t, both parents were very connected with our lives, but they did not overly worry about our happiness or how we felt - they were in charge, the end.

I couldn't tell my mum when I was being bullied or excluded in school. Not that she wasn't caring or involved, it was just implicitly understood that we dealt with such matters ourselves.

I am glad to be more involved in my DC emotional worlds, but it does mean an emotional toll on me too!

Easier than expected and enjoy it much more than I thought. My child is only 18 months old though so got a lot of time for that to change I suppose.

I thought it would be both hard and amazing. And I was right. What I was surprised by was how tedious, menial and repetitive I found it. Especially in the baby and toddler years with the endless nappy changing, wiping of high chairs, hoovering of crumbs etc. Even now with my five year old I feel like I have to have the same 'debate' around tooth brushing twice a day. It's just so boring.

Being a parent is like constantly being on a rollercoaster from the minute you realise you are pregnant. Love my dc, they are in their 20's now,I'm still on that rollercoaster 😁

Also, on the Rob Delaney quote- what I think he misses there is that although you know what it's like to be tired before kids, you get weekends and holidays to recover. You don't get the relentless, night after night onslaught with no respite. My niece didn't sleep longer than a couple of hours for about a year. It almost broke my sister.

I found it a doddle compared to what I thought it was going to be like.

It's good to feel others identify with how I feel, and my circumstances.

Mine too are my whole life and they make me immeasurably happy (when I'm not thinking of stressful considerations). Do I make them happy though? Am I enough? I have constant mum guilt that I'm not enough, they don't have enough, I did wrong bringing them into this world, did wrong not providing them with extra family members to love them and give them attention and different experiences. These are the things I find hard, and hadn't thought about. I obviously also expected their father to stick around, so his leaving has been a traumatic wrench, and adding immense financial strain to me, and impacting their lives in terms of experiences I simply can't afford for them now, and that makes me feel absolutely awful.

I have several friends who are also single parents but they all have hands on family support (both practical and financial), and that makes a world of difference.

Much, much harder than I thought.

I had heard the whole "hardest job I've ever done" and just thought "meh".

Didn't really get why ppl said it was so difficult.

Was woefully naive about how all encompassing it is.

I'm amazed that there's ppl on here saying it's easier than they expected.

I guess it comes down to expectations and how much experience of kids you have. I had no experience and the whole thing hit me like a tonne of bricks.

I also had no family help, which makes a difference. And my kids were all very bad sleepers. Far worse than I could ever have believed possible.

That’s a tough question.
I found much of it really hard, especially the sleep deprivation and worry of it all, and never thought I was doing a good job of parenting, but I always really wanted children so probably would still have had them. But, would I still have had them if I had known DH would die while they were in primary school and leave me to do it all on my own with traumatised children? Probably not.

It was just so much more difficult than I expected. I never factored in having a high risk pregnancy, surgeries during and after pregnancy, a baby who never cried less than five hours a day, my mothers death and lockdown all within two years. My husband was very supportive but he found it unbelievably difficult aswell. Thankfully life is much more settled but I wouldn't be able to do it again so it's one and done for this mama.

@WanderWomanWW

If it is any consolation, I have thought those exact same thoughts & asked those same questions of myself.

I'm afraid I've no helpful answer - people say to me 'you're great' etc but it doesn't help as I think they are just words, easily said.

When I am being rational, I know that I'm a committed parent, who cares deeply for my DC, and is involved with them practically and emotionally.

When I'm anxious or worrying (which I've been most of Christmas), I see all the gaps, what I feel I'm not doing right. My eldest is now nearly 16, and I can't believe that the window of her being a 'child' is closing soon, and I think of all the areas I 'failed'.

I think it's very hard as a single parent for it all to rest on you - if there are two involved parents, you feel if you're having a shit day, other parent can pick up the parental load!

I remind myself my concerns are probably shared by all parents, not just single ones. I also try to remind myself, I'm doing my best, even if that isn't always the 'best' I'd hope for.

I also think the fact that we question ourselves probably does make us decent parents in itself!

I think you are doing the very best you can, and your DC are lucky to have you 💐

@Smallorangecat

I'm very sorry about your DH. That's incredibly tough 💐