Being a mother: as hard as you expected? Would you do it had you known what it entailed?

[ReeseWitherfork]

I keep seeing things online which essentially say that if more women realised how hard raising children was then they probably wouldn’t do it. Apparently it’s one of those things that’s “never talked about” and yet I feel like it’s constantly talked about.

Do you think the regularity in which this point is made is reflective of how popular the opinion is?

I find parenting hard (emotionally, logistically) but also so very rewarding. And the latter monumentally outweighs the former. I really wasn’t naive to how laborious parenting is; maybe that’s helped? Are there women that go into parenting with different expectations? But also, perhaps my opinion is swayed by how useful my partner is. I see too often on here how different the reality is for some women. He is my equal, and he gives me both ample support and breaks, so maybe that helps me to not feel so weighed down with motherhood.

That’s my little brain-dump. Just wanted to open a discussion really… see what others thought?

I’m so sorry @Smallorangecat 💐

So sorry. Puts my woes into perspective. I'm friends with a young widow. She's not native to the UK either and has no family support either. Very tough indeed.

This! I won’t say it’s been ‘easy’ but I seem to be able to deal with the day to day ‘drudgery’ much better than many others. I knew very well that I would be giving up spontaneous meals out, leisurely lie-ins etc for a number of years. That said I had DD in my mid 20s, so didn’t have 15 years of pleasing myself like a lot of people do before having children. The mums I know who struggle generally had ‘exciting’ lives before kids whereas I’ve always been quite a contented type who is happy as long as I don’t have something specific to be unhappy about. I do roll my eyes a little reading the ‘it’s so relentless I never get a break’ type threads. What did they expect?!

Also I think so many people treat motherhood like a work project now. They have a particular experience in mind and feel they have to do certain things to ‘be a good mum’ even if it just makes them miserable - whether it’s breastfeeding, moving house to ‘get into the right school’, run themselves ragged driving them round extra curriculars in the evening etc.

We could probably take a leaf out of the 90s parenting manual, much more laid back and enjoyable.

The younger years were much easier than I imagined. Having teenagers is much much harder than I imagined.

It was much easier and rewarding than I expected.
My favourite years was the teenage years. I was dreading them. Although we had some challenges it was really good fun.
I have a fantastic husband who has been actively involved with the boys since the moment they were born and would seamlessly pick up anything to do with them. Because of this I never felt like I've had my freedom curtailed or that I've carried a heavy burden. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat.

The baby stage was easier than expected. Age 3-4 was much, much harder than expected. It’s swings and roundabouts. The worst part is the mum guilt. I feel burnt out, so I don’t do as much with mine as I should, it eats me up and makes me feel even less motivated to do anything at all. I think my personal issues (depression that’s lasted since the lockdown) makes it a lot harder than it would otherwise be.

It actually was less hard than I expected until they became older! Babies and toddlers are easy. Teenagers 😬 if I knew then what I knew now I wouldn’t have children. In saying that, I do have them now and I’d rather die than not have them!

Thank you.

I get told "love is enough/love is the main thing and your kids have plenty". I just don't believe it. My kids deserve much more than just my love.
I also regularly get told by friends that I'm an amazing mother. I don't really understand how they come to that conclusion, and don't really believe it.
Loving them is the very least our children should expect.
I want more for them, and it really stressed me out that they don't have it.
I constantly feel like my best isn't good enough.
Thank you for your kind words. You sound like a wonderful mother to your little tribe.

I don't even know that our concerns really are shared by other parents. Someone I used to hang out with before we were married has married a multi-millionaire. They have no money worries. Her kids go on multiple amazing holidays. Both sets of grandparents are hands on and loving. Her sister and she are best friends, and are in and out of each others' lives, their kids all have fabulous cousin days out and holidays. Private school and all the kids' clubs they want. Tutors where needed/wanted. I know comparison is the Thief of joy, but I can't help but feel the stark contrast of her kids' lives Vs mine.
Money really would solve most of my problems. Of course, I can't magic up family I don't have, but I'd be able to move closer to good friends, or move them closer to me.

My eldest is 12, and a wise soul. I'm already feeling like he's not really a child any more.

Most definitely.

That saying it takes a village to raise a child....

Or something like that.

I've found it a joy but bloody draining. I don't regret a thing.

Had DD in my 40s. Single parent by the time she was 3 with zero support. It's been the best thing I've ever done! She was the easiest baby, slept through from day 1. Chilled, happy, smiley child. A pleasure to be around.

I had/have a good job and my own home so whilst there's a lot I can't afford to do we have had a lot of fun and adventures together.

I don't think it's been any harder than I thought it would be. I'm an older mom, at least 10 years older than the other moms I've met along the way, and I don't seem to be any more tired than them.

For me, being a single mom has worked in my favour. I don't have to discuss anything with anyone I can just get in with it. I haven't got everything right but who does? I'm doing my best. I love being a mom.

The baby years were exhausting (I had three under two and a half, then a fourth 3 years later) but fun even though I had no family support (forces so lived far away)

The teen years were..so so... mostly ok with one hideous teenager who nearly broke me,

The adult children... hardest of all. When their heart breaks and YOU can't fix it. One adult child battling anorexia again. Divorce because their bastard partner has had an affair... things that I, as Mum, can't fix for them. I find that FAR far harder than the exhustion of the sleepless nights, the teen dramas and strops.

Because you love them so much, their adult pain is just awful to witness. I would walk through fire for my children as quickly now as I would have done when they were little. They were, and are, so worth it, but yes it's hard in ways I could never have anticipated!

Harder than I expected - yes, but only the early years

Would I do it again? Yes, a million times yes. I love being a mum. I can't imagine a happy life without my children.

I hadn't even considered autism when I had my dd ten years ago but she was diagnosed with it last year and it's incredibly hard for her and me.

I was on MN for about a decade before my children were born and I read every horror story going.

I still insanely decided that I did want children though.

I fully expected having babies to be an impossible exhausting nightmare. But it was actually completely fine and not as hard as I had read.

I appreciate my children have always slept well and I have a lot of help from family though.

Expecting the worst really set me up for a positive experience I think!

The baby stage was harder by a factor of a million. Nothing could have prepared me for it. The rest of it has been physically and practically easier despite DH’s sudden and unexpected death when DD was 2, but emotionally much harder. I don’t know if I would have done it if I had truly understood the level of fear and anxiety you live with every day as a parent.

I obviously find parts of bringing up children hard, when they’re upset or worried, I too am worried, but I do just love being a mum. I’ve been lucky in that I have a hands on husband who pulls his weight and two healthy children who haven’t had any significant issues.
Also, I’m in Australia and I don’t really recognise the pressure as much as I read about on here. Most parents I know are involved but not over involved and are just pleasant people who are muddling through.
Im also not really on social media and don’t follow anyone who’s an influencer or mummy blogger so again, I don’t have anything to compare myself to!

It's much better than i expected!

I found the baby stage easy with both - fortunately I'm a nursery nurse so whilst I was used to handing them back it definitely helped that I knew how to hold a baby, bath, wean, potty train etc

Other stages I found a bit more difficult, but they were bits that we couldn't have predicted!

Much easier and more joyful then I anticipated (which is not to say there haven’t also been tough moments). I wish I had had more children. I have been lucky in that my children have generally been lovely and easy to care for and that I am financially secure- these things have made a big difference.

I agree with this!

For me, it’s the worries that come with it, not just about their health and well-being but being able to provide for them, family members leaving/dying that changes everything, the reality that I’m going to be gone one day and have I raised them well enough that they will be ok.
It’s not the tedious day to day, I genuinely enjoy spending time with mine (yes, even now when they’re teenagers) but you can’t really judge this question without being “done done”, so once they’ve left home and you feel reasonably calm that they’re fine and everything turned out okay.
There are so many variables most people don’t account for - you think about raising YOUR child but what about their friends and their behaviour when they’re visiting yours? What about school runs, that’s a VERY long period of thing you down and making working difficult. It’s the judgment from others, especially non parents when they think they know it all and can tell you exactly what parenting is like (I’m always amazed at these people). It’s other parents judging you, to big themselves up I suppose and make you feel like shit. It’s always worrying “am I doing a good enough job as a mum” or not worrying enough and being told later in life how much you fucked your kids up.

My DS is 3 in april. I think its been easier than expected, although I do remember crying a lot in the first year but i guess we forget about that bit!
I have a brilliant partner who does just as much as me for our boy and he does go to nursery 3 days a week now so I guess that too, takes some pressure off.
I do however, struggle with the housework (don't get too much help here) and the endless washing and tidying up. 😭 also hard not being able to work flexibly like i used to. I often hear comments "its not fair for those on set shifts because of childcare" in my head I'm thinking wait until you have children, can't just work any time of the day/week.
We are trying for number 2 and I am worried I'm going to go back into that bubble of crying thinking "i can't do this" but I know deep down we will cope and it'll be worth it.

Much much harder than I expected, however we have no little to no family support, and both me and dh work full time 6 days a week (and more) in demanding jobs.
It's the mum guilt and the constant worry and anxiety that I find hard though, am I doing enough? Can I give him what he needs now and in the future? What kind of world is he growing up in? The actual act of parenting him and being with him is far easier than I expected, he brings me joy and love that I truly didn't know existed until I had him.

As a FTM to a 10 mo I don't have much experience yet, but the first three months were much, much harder than I expected and since then it's been monumentally easier and more fun. I get the sense that babies vary dramatically in difficulty, and a combination of colic for baby plus PND for me was brutal. I am finding her more of a delight each passing day and looking forward to the future, so will likely try for another when I swore blind I'd never even consider it....