Making new friends in 2023 thread: join me?

[Lentilweaver]

Like many people here, I have lost friends in the pandemic because they have moved away, drifted or just dropped me:) Also began WFH- not by choice- so that reduces the pool too.

I am trying very hard to make new friends in 2023.

What I have done so far:
Starting a book club in January in a social group I am part of
Reached out to someone I know only on Twitter suggesting a coffee ( same profession)
Suggested a walk in the park to a local contact I met once but hit it off with..

Join me?

@Wheresthecheese the main reason I decided to set up a book club is to keep it to a smaller number of ppl local to my area in SW London. Other local clubs nearby have 30+ members and a lot do attend the meetings and this wasn’t what I was looking for.

We are 7 women in total which feels a good number and having met most of them irl and 2 via WhatsApp all seem friendly. If we have a few drop outs I may re-advertise on NextDoor for local joiners but really don’t want more than 10 max.

Taking the plunge has worked for me so I would definitely recommend the experience to others!

Sounds great! Good for you.

As an former expat and foreigner in the UK, I identify with your parents' experience. I have found it hard to build a lasting community, and I totally identify with the casual nature of expat friendships.

However, I wonder if one just has to keep trying. I volunteer at a heritage site which I really enjoy, but have not been able to make friends in a year of doing this. Yesterday, I got a message from someone who also volunteers there asking if I want to meet up for a coffee. Brave of her to reach out; I am going to say yes even though she is a lot younger than me. I think we all really need to reach out if we want more connections.We may be rebuffed but no harm trying.

I am probably older than some of you and I can tell you that the empty nest arrives with no warning! That's when you need other connections besides just partner/husband and DC.

Hopefully everyone has had a good week.

I have had one-on-one lunch today with a school gate mum friend I’d previously only ever met for coffee, so that’s a move in the right direction. There were no awkward silences, and we paid the bill quickly and fairly (this is always a really big “tell” for me, as I’m a veggie who doesn’t drink and so my share of the bill is always much smaller; you’d be amazed how many people assume we should just split the bill in half, and I’m always too embarrassed to disagree). We agreed we should get together more often and are going to a local museum that’s recently reopened.

I’ve realised this might be a lot like dating! I have a very happy marriage and have had some healthy romantic relationships in the past so I hope I have the necessary skills to nurture this friendship.

I have recently joined a local social group that has meant I've met some new people . It's early days but going well

Accountability check in. I've done nothing due to other commitments ending next week. End is in sight.

I'm really lonely but I'm the only one who can change my situation.

Glad others are doing well.

Accountability check in: I am doing very well! The woman I met for coffee one on one is in totally different circumstances to me but we hit it off. And today she has invited me to a gig.

Meanwhile I continue to enjoy my 2 book groups. Yes, they are not friends but they are good company.

This is very cheering. I live in a sparsely populated area so Meetup etc was not that good before the pandemic and now it is dead here. WI meet when I'm at work. I've no children so don't have a mum friends avenue to explore.
Would anyone be interested in something like a book club in S Lakes area? Or even v N Lancs? Something that isn't bloody open water swimming in Coniston water 😄(which would take me 45 mins to get to...)

I wouldn't say mum friends are a particularly rich avenue to explore...more of a necessity when you are at home with DC in the week and everyone else is at work. Maybe comrade in arms is a more accurate description of what I'm looking for - someone to sit and have a coffee with whilst our kids do softplay together. Yet, even this is so hard to find, for me.

You are not missing out 🙂

@Fedupme

Same here, ugh, I'm in a library full of people yet everyone is in their own bubble, including me. Should I give those apps a try or dodge the bullet? Ran out of ideas tbh

Accountability check in, I've been very active, like yoga, painting classes, I tried learning a language (I did make some acquintances in Church and that's lovely though they are much older than me?)

I have a lot of acquintances and people I chat with and make small talk yet I don't know if I should take it to the next level or how....

The internet is great, though some RL people would be nice.

Any ideas? Should I just move somewhere for uni?

@Lentilweaver Could you write more about casual nature of expat friendships?

I suggested that some of us in a local hobby group might meet for coffee occasionally. We now have a large group meeting for lunch once a month!

@cassiatwenty you know, people are always leaving or arriving, so you can't afford to get too attached. But at the same time, you can't afford to spend ages getting to know anyone.

Hi please could i join? Im a very recent empty nester from Central/SWish London (Clapham)too, my DD is off at university so I recently joined mumsnet to lurk around!

Although I'm stupidly terrified, Ive joined a Meetup walking group and joining a hike tomorrow! The people taking part in the walk will be really nice I'm sure - this is just nerves.

Is so nice to see you many of you doing so well with your various chats/bookclubs etc

@Lentilweaver Yes I know what you mean, sometimes it feels like if you have to wait for too long probably not happening

I’m on a downer today.

I went out on a walk with another school mum I’ve met a few times before just for coffee, and I realised very early on that it was a mistake, but I couldn’t think of a way to back out of it. She’s going through a very difficult time with her family, and I was initially flattered that she felt comfortable enough with me to offload, but she talked literally non-stop, and there wasn’t one single moment of humour or positivity to lift the mood.

I found it very draining to be sympathetic to someone I hardly know, and if I’m honest I resented the time I’d spent with her. Now I’m berating myself for getting into these situations because it will be hard to refuse her if she wants to go out again and obviously we see each other daily at school.

Tomorrow we have a family lunch date with university friends who drain me in a different way: they’re absolutely lovely, but everything about them is so rich and beautiful and their house so perfect that it makes me feel bad about myself and my house, not least because it makes me feel like a terrible friend, and there’s that downward spiral about friendship problems back again.

Back from lunch and it was so much fun seeing our friends, and the kids got along really well too. Such a happy atmosphere at the time.

But now I’m back home, and the house feels too small and scruffy in contrast with their large and immaculate one, and I feel fat and unfit and unattractive in contrast to my friend, plus a horrible person because my friends are lovely and I’m being the mean girl here.

Also, I was very anxious in advance of seeing them - wasn’t sure of my clothes and felt very self-conscious of my appearance as I have had a lot of peri-menopause hair loss. I don’t want to feel that way about seeing friends. My husband is so relaxed and has experienced none of my negativity about seeing them.

The fault is entirely with me and although I’m aware of the “comparison is the thief of joy” truism, I just can’t seem to help myself comparing. I’m normally very happy-go-lucky and I dislike the person I become

I guess I’ll start afresh tomorrow. It’s half term so playdates and park conversations ahead.

I'm on a downer too tonight. Sorry for the people who asked how I was getting on, I didn't see the notification!
Work has been incredibly busy and has had scope for me to meet new people.
I tried to find a book group but nothing doing in my town. I'm at a friendly gym so I do get a nice chat every morning but it isn't the type that will turn into a coffee.

Can I join in?

I promised myself that I would get out there and find friends but it is very one sided - me suggesting, organising etc. tried a new exercise class but everyone seemed to already know each other and haven't been back for a few weeks. Dp says I should try it again so we'll see.

I used to have loads of friends but when the children came along I suffered with one and found it really hard and made zero mum friends even though I tried really hard.

We live in rural Somerset and finding new people (who are not holiday makers) to make friends with us proving to be very tricky!

Sorry you’re feeling low too, @crochetmonkey74 . I’m telling myself it’s mostly Sunday night blues.

Thinking from your user name that you are a 1974 baby? So am I. Currently looking at a 50th birthday next year with literally nobody to celebrate with, except my husband and siblings, all of whom I love dearly but all of whom are very different from me and don’t share any of my interests. I’ve just seen the Vermeer exhibition advertisement and I would dearly love to go to Amsterdam with a mate - husband would come if I asked but he is not remotely arty - but I have no friend I’m close enough to that I could ask.

I’ve decided I’m going to focus on seeing more of a handful of school mums that I have already had ‘happy walks’ with. I don’t mind a bit of over-sharing, but I honestly can’t deal with a repeat of yesterday, however sad I feel for the mum friend concerned .

@Anotherloverholeinyohead welcome! Sorry you’re similarly frustrated. Hopefully we can all learn together. I never expected to be nearly 50 and not have a single close friend. I’m never lonely and never short of someone to hang out with, but I just crave someone other than DH who “gets” me and cares about me and my kids.

Yes I'm 50 next year and have had the worst 2 years , suicide of a close friend and a terrible break up and loss of ex dps family.
I'm much better than I was and generally positive about making friends but it is tricky!

That sounds really hard, @crochetmonkey74. You have done so well to keep going ❤️

Aww thanks. Also sorry, just realised I have really brought the thread down! I'll ask MN to remove it