Making new friends in 2023 thread: join me?

[Lentilweaver]

Like many people here, I have lost friends in the pandemic because they have moved away, drifted or just dropped me:) Also began WFH- not by choice- so that reduces the pool too.

I am trying very hard to make new friends in 2023.

What I have done so far:
Starting a book club in January in a social group I am part of
Reached out to someone I know only on Twitter suggesting a coffee ( same profession)
Suggested a walk in the park to a local contact I met once but hit it off with..

Join me?

Great start, OP.

I've joined BFF on Bumble and am chatting with two women. I also plan to join a local business group. I won't be able to socialise much until March but am glad to have at least done something.

Thanks@mediumrare2023. My fledgling book club has agreed to meet in mid Feb so that is something. Keeping on keeping on. It's not easy all this organising and putting oneself out there, but has to be done if I want new friends.

Thread watching😋

Yes that was my view OP - whilst making the extra effort to set a book club up myself brings with it a bit more anxiety, the pay off is better than just joining a larger existing one in that there’s more potential to forge some nice new local friendships in a smaller group. Good luck with yours, I’ll come back on here to let you know how my meet this Friday goes 🤞

My other fledgling plan is to do some voluntary dog walking locally, having joined Borrow My Doggy - some healthy exercise and dog walkers appear to be a chatty lot! This is likely to be a slower process, emailed a few local owners but not yet met any of them and their 4 legged sweeties, need to take it easy to let them get used time and vice versa.

Ladies, may I actually ask what 'being a friend' means for you? If you meet someone you have common insterest how would you contunie the 'friendship'?

The reason I am asking this because it seems it like it means different for everyone.

Here is a story..

I'd like going events like theather, concerts etc... I had a 'friend', I organised most of the events, buy tickets and she would transfer me the fee. When she organise events, she would say, I am going there, buy your ticket if you want to come. I did the same when I am going somewhere (where not need to sit together), she wouldn't buy. She'd only come, if I am buying the tickets. I found it so weird so I stop going to her events too.. She never asked why we never see each other! Never heard from her. This was a lady work in a well respected job by the way.

Another story
I am a member of like Tates etc, some event places so I can go without booking.. I got a +1 ticket as my sister comes with me most of the places but I take 'friends' too. I had a 'friend', she wanted to go one of the painting exhibition, I said I want to go too and I have a +1 ticket so she can come with me for free. No need to pay but she could get me a coffee later.
She came with me and we went to members room after and she didn't get me anything . I found it weird but i thought it as culture so I ignored it.
But then she asked me to take her with me to other places that i am member of! Should I take her? This person was a one of the high level manager in a good company.

Another story,
I met a lady, we met a few times for drinks and food. I invited her once to my place for drinks & snacks. On the 4th or 5th meeting, she called me one afternoon and asked me if I am at home and she can come for a drink.. I said yes.. She asked me if I was eaten, I said yes, but I have some snacks. She said ok.. She came to my place.. With one of those you can make stuffed pepper food. She straight walked to kitchen, telling me story about her work and her boss in anxiety.. While telling me the story, she asked about where the rice and pan..
I said what are you doing?? "Oh I am going to make stuffed petter.. You've eaten right, I got only one pepper! " I was shocked but I just didnt know what to do.. I showed where they were and she contunie to talk and cook..Without stopping talking, laughing, she finished cooking, ate and left the dishes, tried to leave.. Her leaving was more like, 'Ok I am done here, i need to go and work, i got so much to do'.. I said you are not going anywhere before doing the dishes.. At least I managed to get her this part.. She was upset because I asked this! .. When ask her later, if she thinks her behavior was ok 'she said we are friends' ! This person was a one of the top executive in a top company.

I know another lady, she would want to meet only Sunday evenings, it is the most relaxint time for me while she has all the other evenings but for some reason, she wouldn't meet.
I know another lady, who would not want to speak on the phone!
I know some other ladies, get competative with me.. Such as they had no interest in painting, I started painting and one of them started painting and she acted as she was already doing it!
Another one, I said one day ' I was looking for tour for South America for summer' , in a month she posted images from 'South America' with her husband.. She or her husband never ever had any imagine to go there yet alone plan to go there.
This competation story is endless...

My current friends are from my young age or childhood from my country and we meet online only.. I found it hard to understand what it means to be 'friend' here as it is turning into 'abuse' for me. I do wonder how this 'friendship' supposed to happen in London? I don't have any problem meeting people, so many events and organisations.. But what's the next? How it is supposed to work?

or all these shows I got a problem?:)

Yikes @notmumlisa I wouldn't call any of those friends and it does seem like they are using you. I haven't had such experiences. Generally my friendships fizzle out because friends are too busy or depressed or move away.

I have had more success! A woman I had been talking with on Twitter ( we are in the same profession) has agreed to meet for coffee. I probably sound very desperate on this thread. As I said earlier, I am an immigrant with no uni friends or family in this country. So I have to make an effort. Am also an empty nester.

Well done for your continued successes OP. It’s not desperation to make this effort. I think it’s a far more common occurrence to find yourself with a diminished social circle than others may let on, especially in London.

I feel it too but don’t know why we should be made to feel embarrassed about feeling lonely sometimes, it’s still such a great taboo in society to be honest enough to admit it.

I’m single in my 50s and a lot of my past Uni friends married and moved away years ago. My family moved around a bit when I was younger so I didn’t keep up with friends I may have known since primary school kind of thing. In the past I haven’t always been great at maintaining friendships I made since moving to London so I do blame myself a bit.

Luckily I do have a couple of close friends who don’t have kids and are up for going out and doing things quite regularly but they also have developed other friendship groups they also socialise with and I certainly don’t want to be that kind of clingy friend who just hangs on to them for dear life to only enjoy social events with them. Like them I want a wider circle which I think will be a lot healthier for me.

I may even think about joining my local WI if the Borrow My Doggy plan doesn’t pan out, but just being careful at mo that I don’t carve up too much of my free time as I do enjoy my quiet times at home on my own too

@notmumlisa sorry you’ve had some bad experiences, I don’t think any of them can be called friends. Don’t let it make you give up trying though.

Yeah, I stop calling them "friends" but it all starts with calling them "friends":)
I actually noticed that the ones who are nice, moved away from London.
Maybe I should move too, it might be easier:)

I never feel sorry or embarrassed for being alone and never judge anyone who wish to be alone. I rather be with myself than being in a wrong crowd.

How's it going everyone?

Feeling dejected here. Have been several times now to a craft group for mums. Had assumed that this would be a great place to meet other mums looking for new mum friends... however, not getting that impression...it's like they are only coming to the group to craft, who likes crafting that much 😂

Or maybe it's just me.

Going ok. Not made any friend friends, but met a lot of interesting people and have hopes. One setback when someone I was supposed to meet for coffee cancelled last minute. Not sure if it's for a genuine reason or because she just doesn't want to. But not spending any time thinking about it. Keeping on keeping on.

Today am meeting a proper friend for dinner. She suggested it and I said yes, when in the past I might have said no on a weekday. But now I say yes to everything.

@Bunchamunchacarrots Not just you, I had a very similar experience. They all do their own thing or bring a friend or two and chat with them.

I had some luck making friends with people in my Church (please don't judge 😋), and have had some lovely conversations with my GP and my therapist, so it looks like it's easier to befriend people whilst it's some sort of professional function, uni (I guess?)

Did anybody have any luck with learning a new language, work or volunteering?

Good job @Lentilweaver leave all the bad stuff in the past and focus on things that work, well done!

How are things with you @crochetmonkey74@Takingtheplunge23? Any progress? How are you doing? What worked and what hasn't?

Suggested a regular lunch for some people in a hobby group. Organised Xmas lunch for two hobby groups. Met a lovely couple at one of these lunches and suggested we meet up independently. Tried WI. It was fun but lots of people seemed to know each other well already and I felt like an outsider.

I have found slimming world quite a good place to get to know people. Everyone wants to support each other and a few of us have started a little group chat. I've found a couple of women I genuinely like, so a good start.

Ive also agreed to go to two parties. One is via my husbands hobby and the other a neighbour.

Sorry to hear things didn’t pan out with your planned meet @Lentilweaver but glad you’re sticking with your aims to get out there. Keep at it!

My book club first meet went better than I thought, I was a bit nervous about setting it up and meeting up in a pub with a bunch of strangers but the 4 women who tuned up were really lovely and we all got on very well for a first meet, the other 2 who couldn’t make it are also still keen, so we are a small group of 7 which feels just the right number. We may of course have drop outs but I think there is ant
moment genuine interest amongst us to get it going and keep it going. We have decided on our first book and are meeting at mine for a first book discussion meet up at end of Feb. I’ve also been texting a couple of folks from Borrow My Doggy app so plans in place to meet them and their 4 legged lovelies soon.

Think I’ve learnt from this experience that whilst it may feel a bit daunting, it is all about putting in a bit of effort to begin but with this can truly come some dividends. I’ve still got my established friends I have plans to see films and a couple of fringe plays with over next 2 weeks, but having more diversity in my social circles alongside this feels a healthy balance, so that I don’t just end up relying on one or two friends to fill my social life with.

I also agree to saying yes to any invitation coming my way, at least whilst I’ve still got energy to get out there!

Bravo @takingtheplunge23 , well-done, and what a great post! I'm so proud of you and keep up the good work xx

That’s brilliant! Is it worth giving a hint of where you are in case others want to come along?

its great you’re taking the plunge, OP.
I have good friends but my circle has shrunk since the pandemic. I also haven’t been that well the past 6 months so I’ve been hesitant to contact people as well.
What I’d really like are more ‘couple friends so dh and I can do stuff together as for the most part we either see friends separately or do things by ourselves ie, cinema, theatre, shopping, dinners out. I’m not sure how to go about this issue - any tips?

Take up a hobby together.

Oh we have no couple friends because DH is an extreme introvert and has a very stressful and 'peoply' job, so he likes to spend his little spare time on his own or with me. I'd like some, but I think they are harder to come by. We did have some from DH's job but they seem to have drifted away, or become rather obnoxious.

This is a great idea for a thread, and very brave of you, OP.

My parents were itinerant expats so lots of sociable but very casual friendships are my “normal”. I’m cheerful and chatty and a good mixer so never short of people to hang out with for coffees or drinks or even lunches , but I’m always either the organiser, or just receiving a kind return invitation. I’m pretty sure none of my friends would actually miss me if I were not around, or even check in on me if they hadn’t heard from me for a while.

My upbringing made an extravert of me, but late in life I’m realising I’m actually an introvert, and would rather have fewer but much closer friends. I’m extremely envious of women who have best friends they describe as being “like a sister”, where they have a lot of shared history, and are very invested emotionally in each other’s children, and holiday together. I’ve never even been invited on a hen do, never mind a “girls’ weekend”. My siblings live overseas, and I literally crave someone other than DH to care about my kids, or have a hobby weekend away with.

So my 2023 resolution is going to be to nurture a few coffee and walks buddies into closer friendships. How I actually do that, I don’t know!

@TwinklyShit Keep going, resolution made, now it's time to do and report what worked and what hasn't