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Original poster

Best responses to "we did it my day and child is fine"

171 replies

Wowzers12 · 30/12/2022 19:52

New mum here - getting fed up of the generations above me (my mum, DH mum and Aunt) making comments like "we did it in my day and my children are all fine" about things to do with my DD that are now advised against by NHS, professionals etc.

Or the other way around, for example BLW - "all mine had purées and were fine"

What's a good response to this that shuts the conversation down without losing my s*?

OP posts:
FrankTheCondor · 30/12/2022 19:55

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Specialty · 30/12/2022 19:58

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mikado1 · 30/12/2022 19:58

Well on the one you've mentioned, I don't think purees are advised against, are they? It's just personal choice surely. You could just say 'Oh I know, preferences and advise are always changing', if you don't want to engage further.

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KendrickLamaze · 30/12/2022 19:58

Yes they are fine but many others weren't which is why the guidance has changed.

Alternatively, smile and nod.

Hiddenvoice · 30/12/2022 19:58

I had this, I was polite, smiled sweetly and said times
have changed and i’m going to do it this way but thank you for your advice.
Sadly to say, it won’t go away! Some advice is great and very useful but the rest doesn’t help when you’ve already decided to do something your way.
Im blw but also use purées- they can be a life saver some days! 😂

mikado1 · 30/12/2022 19:59

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Is it dismissive or maybe a bit defensive? They might feel a bit judged tho it's not intended.

PritiPatelsMaker · 30/12/2022 19:59

You could smile and nod bad then do it your way, you could say the old MN phrase "this works for us" or if you're really peed off you could tell them that there been 30 odd years of research since they had their LOs and you'd be daft to use what we now know are dangerous practices Grin

AChristmasCaro · 30/12/2022 20:00

What I used to do- quite non-adversarial- was say “yes, it’s funny how they keep changing the advice. It’ll probably be different again by the time DC is grown up” in a light way and then carry on doing as you want.

Butwhichoneistheman · 30/12/2022 20:00

Child mortality was 3 times higher in 1980 than it is now. Their children were fine, but others who might have been their child’s friends weren’t.
All your ancestors had to be ‘fine’ for you to exist, but lots of their contemporaries weren’t.
Regarding weaning, a lot of the new practices are to hopefully avoid problems in middle age. They can’t say yet that their offspring are fine.

Creepinglight · 30/12/2022 20:01

‘That’s nice, glad it worked out for you.’

mikado1 · 30/12/2022 20:02

AChristmasCaro · 30/12/2022 20:00

What I used to do- quite non-adversarial- was say “yes, it’s funny how they keep changing the advice. It’ll probably be different again by the time DC is grown up” in a light way and then carry on doing as you want.

Agree completely with this. I'm pretty sure my MIL thought I was a painful, know all FTM, and I probably was! She just smiled and nodded!

Beamur · 30/12/2022 20:02

Smile and nod and carry on following the latest guidelines.
If you have to say anything, just mention that the most up to date research etc, supports this approach..

YouremywifenowTubs · 30/12/2022 20:03

My parents in law did that about car seats.

”Neither of my two had car seats and they were fine.”

They were just never allowed to take my children out again after they didn’t use the car seat the first time and came out with that gem when I went crazy.

Telling them the risks (and the law!) just got the above response or noises and pulled faces.

LumpySpaceCow · 30/12/2022 20:03

I would usually say 'are they/you though?' with a cheeky grin 😁

Vallmo47 · 30/12/2022 20:04

@AChristmasCaro ‘s advice is perfect and very possibly true. Things do change all the time and none of us intentionally harm our kids (hopefully). 😬

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 30/12/2022 20:04

“This isn’t your day and they aren’t your child.”

Cuwins · 30/12/2022 20:05

I haven't had comments like that exactly but certainly plenty of suggestions for things I should do that go against current advice. I have found making sure I understand the whys for the advice important so I can respond in an educated way- 'yes but what wasn't known then was....'. And taking the time to explain why I have had the choices I have. Obviously I'm talking about people close to you not random people in the street!
I also let my partner respond to his mum generally as he knows how to handle her best.
I have had the weaning discussion too as we did BLW. Actually it was really interesting as in discussion with my mum we realised that as advice then was too wean at 4m (I already explained why that's not the advice now) and introduce finger foods about 6m nothing was really different except the weaning age. All the advice about BLW gives milestones a baby needs to be meeting to start or they need to be started on purées- a 4m old would never have been meeting those milestones so purées it would have been. And 6m is the age we start weaning so we go straight into the finger foods bit. Hope that makes sense.
Obviously for people to accept they rational 'this is why this is the advice' discussion they have to be open to the idea of science moving forwards etc but thankfully our immediate families are.

Shesasuperfreak · 30/12/2022 20:05

I would say yh, but children didn't wear seatbelts back in the day and people used to smoke around their children and they turned out fine too. Times have changed.

fairgame84 · 30/12/2022 20:06

The world's moved on and this is what we do now.

thedevilinablackdress · 30/12/2022 20:07

"That's not what their therapist says"

Cuwins · 30/12/2022 20:09

Sleep was a good example with my mum. She said several times how odd it was to see my dd asleep on her back and it didn't look comfortable. Advice when I was little was front sleeping.
So I went and looked up the figures and the drop in SIDS since the back to sleep was introduced (early 90's I believe) is massive (can't remember the exact figure but it was well over 50%). So the next time she mentioned it I (in a non-confrontational way) said 'it's amazing what science can do, since they discovered this... ' with the figures- she couldn't argue with that and was actually really interested.

DustyOwl · 30/12/2022 20:09

My Dad always told me to say...
”How do you know? Things might have been even better if you had” or, “you might have done damage you didn’t know about” if you’re feeling pissed off.

I usually just nodded and smiled, while thinking of something else entirely.

user1474315215 · 30/12/2022 20:10

Just after my first DGC was born I came across this quote from Maya Angelou 'Do your best, and when you know better, do better'. I felt it really summed up the need for me to take note of current advice/good practice in order to support my DD.

PritiPatelsMaker · 30/12/2022 20:10

"That's not what their therapist says"
Grin

I have pointed at my DCousin before now when my DA has started on me and said "are you really sure"? GrinGrinGrin

Theunamedcat · 30/12/2022 20:10

I was surprised at how everyone blindly followed advice back then without questions my own mother was told to give my sister junior asprin in a bottle of horlix before bed put her in the cot shut the door and turn the TV up she will sleep eventually I mean OK it worked but wtf? No wonder the neighbours hated us screaming baby loud TV all night long and she never questioned if it was a good thing to do she just did it