Best responses to "we did it my day and child is fine"

[Wowzers12]

New mum here - getting fed up of the generations above me (my mum, DH mum and Aunt) making comments like "we did it in my day and my children are all fine" about things to do with my DD that are now advised against by NHS, professionals etc.

Or the other way around, for example BLW - "all mine had purées and were fine"

What's a good response to this that shuts the conversation down without losing my s*?

Remember in 30 years you will be the grandparent saying in my day we had blw and our dc never choked. Currently horrifies me watching dgc nearly choking everytime a big lump of broccoli gets stuck. There’s a lot to be said for mashing up the food imo.
I say nothing and just silently go over baby Heimlich manoeuvres in my head.

I explained that the current advice was not to until 6M. She then starts to laugh and said that she gave hers solids from 3M and they’re all fine😡

dh was weaned on Heinz jars after leaving hospital according to mil, and he’s fine. As is his brother.

except bil is severely obese, and dh has horrific IBD/IBS which severely limit what he can eat without suffering the consequences.

It's so stressful isn't it! You wouldn't believe the grief my MIL gave me for not giving DD baby rice from 3 months old, cooled boiled water was the other obsession.

She had solely breast milk until 6 months and then went onto BLW and you would have thought I was starving her to death!

It blew her mind that DD could sit and eat a bowl of cereal with a spoon, independently, from about 8 months old. She was also an early walker/ talker and at 10yo is doing brilliantly well in school, sports etc. As is her younger brother. So turns out I wasn't such a crap mother after all.

Just ignore. Your baby is a time of learning and discovery for you, your greatest 'project' or adventure. These other women have had their turn.

Haven't read the thread, but I'm also a new mum, 6 months Boxing Day and I always just reply 'I'd like to aim higher than fine what with all the resources that are available to me'. They mean well but who wants fine when you can aim for higher? Sending love xx

I hope to see improvements in everything by the time I am a grandparent. I would be shocked if there no advancements in 30 years.

I think rear facing until 7 years might be the norm. I think breastfeeding until 2 years might be normalised.

Who on Earth wants their child to repeat 30 year old advice with DGC?

Oops started reading and I may have set the won't tone!!! But still, it's a truthful, factual answer. Who DOES settle for 'fine' when they have knowledge of other options? Either is 'fine', they are just a different option

Definitely don't do a Heimlich on a baby! 🤯

Further forward gag reflex plus vigilance should mean that brocolli should be absolutely fine! However, my spoon fed child is a much better eater than my BLW child, what can you do!

yes and 30 years ago keyhole surgery wasn’t a thing, but given the choice would you want to go backwards with medical research?

4DCs age range from 1 to 15 and people still feel the need to tell me what I do is wrong. Just smile, nod and ignore.

Strangely we idiot mums in the 1980s were also following the advice!

@TheYearOfSmallThings and @AChristmasCaro have it right - be gracious, smile and nod. You can even be interested 'why did they recommend that, it doesn't sound safe?'.

Apart from obviously unsafe stuff, there is no such thing as 'wholly correct advice' when it comes to babies, it changes all the time, some of it won't work for you, some of it won't help. Even at the same point in time, it varies between countries and cultural practices. Don't dismiss all of it or cause offence, because you'll miss out on the good stuff too that can be really helpful when you're out of ideas.

For example, it's easy to decide you're only going to do blw, but sometimes you just don't have an hour for them to rub porridge in their hair and still go to nursery hungry, so you shovelling the porridge in means they stay clean and have a full belly, and get out of the door.

Just smile, nod, occasionally say that’s interesting. Ask them questions to turn the conversation round to something else. Vague things like the types of toys, starting school, playgroups, vague things they’ll reminisce about but which won’t affect you.

Hmm, that's going to come off as a bit patronising imo, like you're suggesting that parents who followed the advice at the time they their children did a poor job.

Fine isn't negative, in 20 years are you going to look back and think you failed your baby? Of course not, you're going to say he/she turned out just fine by following today's advice

Agree with @AChristmasCaro . I also got a lot of, but he CAN'T be hungry again! It's only been a couple of hours! You should switch to formula it's obviously not doing him any good 🙄I also got told by my parents that they strongly objected to my taking pain relief after my emcs, that they would never have taken any "drugs" of any kind because they are of the "careful generation" and it might damage the baby because I was breastfeeding, he could be hurt long term by it I shouldn't take the risk. I was so annoyed/upset that I mentioned it to the midwife at the 7 day check. She said that when my parents had me my mum would have stayed in hospital for at least a week and would have been given pain medication which is probably why they don't remember taking anything.

Research reveals new things/better ways of doing things. They did the best they knew in their day (I assume) and we do the best in ours. Incidentally Anne Diamond contributed massively to getting the message about SIDS to everyone. www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-berkshire-37908627.amp

Yes my mum was horrified I was released 48hrs after a c-section and that was a longer stay due to possible jaundice. She was in 10 days after hers with my sister and I, I believe that was slightly longer than normal as she had a haemorrhage but only slightly.

Honestly just smile and say "isn't it mad how things change " as there will be different advice in a few years and you don't want to sound like a patronising know it all when they are probably just making conversation. I did blw (although I didn't call it that as I hate the current trend for labelling aspects of parenting) and it was great for me being lazy but purées are also great. I was at my gps for vaccinations with my eldest so over ten years ago now and had a hilarious chat with a lovely set of parents in the waiting room with a new baby same age as mine and they were telling me that they had been teen parents and then had a baby in their twenties and then in their late thirties and different advice from healthcare professionals on things each time. Unless they are actually being nasty or really overstepping try not to loose your shit.

You will prob find yourself doing the same in years to come and often advice changes
Whilst some I can see why other things i do think why ?
Not everyone even does baby led weaning that i know who have babies now

Think there will be always be generational experience advice vs up to date science advice. Quite often they are of equal value. Up to the parents to mix and match based on their own feelings on things.

Find an interesting fact and tell them it in retort

"Ahh yeah but the year Dh was born did you know x amount of babies died. So much advance in research to keep us all safe now"

@mikado1 but my mum did that and I don't ? Plenty of people did so is it def from that who knows ?
I also gave mine baby rice at a younger age than recommended , they seem fine too
I followed most guidelines like sleeping, car seats etc but at times also went with my instincts or advice from relatives as personally I don't think its a one fit all for all babies with some things

Don’t worry my dd is a brilliant mum and I am really very open to all the new advice.
I still find watching blw a bit stressful though.

@TheYearOfSmallThings exactly

@Anotherbloomingchristmas
I think plenty of mum's find BLW stressful even if they want to do it!
Strangely my BLW 10m old can manage all sorts of things (lumps of chicken etc) with just occasional gagging which looks horrific but isn't dangerous and doesn't seem to bother her. But the closest she came to actual choking was on a baby veggie crisp! She was gagging but then started making a high pitched whistle type noise with it which I believe was a partially blocked airway, I was just thinking about intervening when thankfully she cleared it. It took my heart rate some time to recover and my friend next to me was even worse. However DD immediately picked up another crisp and tried again despite still being red in the face and teary eyed, she didn't seem the slightest bit bothered!

My mum seems to revel in saying:
You slept on your stomach (early 80s)
I once put too many layers on you as a baby in the cot and you had this red face and was crying and sweating (fucking hell mum, do I need to know that?
I painted and did everything I should not have done when I was pregnant with you (wonderful, thanks)
I was accidentally dropped as a baby (but it did me no harm - I think 🤔)
We used to put whiskey on dummies, grandparents said (Christ almighty don't tell me that) did you no harm (well we will never know will we?)
I fell off ladders three times onto concrete because we were never bloody supervised (winded myself so bad and my back has never been "right")....

So when people tell me "it did you no harm" I try not to eye roll.

They did what they felt was best at the time, and new advice is telling them that that wasn’t good enough. They’re bound to feel a bit defensive.

When yours are grown up, the advice may well have changed again, but you’ll know you did the best for your babies.