Best responses to "we did it my day and child is fine"

[Wowzers12]

New mum here - getting fed up of the generations above me (my mum, DH mum and Aunt) making comments like "we did it in my day and my children are all fine" about things to do with my DD that are now advised against by NHS, professionals etc.

Or the other way around, for example BLW - "all mine had purées and were fine"

What's a good response to this that shuts the conversation down without losing my s*?

Surely this disparity has far more to do with the huge scientific strides made around premature births - far outweighing any disparity caused by style of weaning, car seats and method of putting together a bottle?

I got it with breastfeeding.

but it’s not hygienic
you might be starving them, how can you tell if they’re getting any milk?
but formula you know all the vitamins and nutrients are in there, how do you know your milk is good enough?
they need feeding again? If they can’t wait 4 hours your milk can’t be rich enough, they need formula as that’s balanced properly.
a week is long enough, they need proper milk now (repeat every week)

formula companies in the 70’s really did a number on that generation…

Surely this disparity has far more to do with the huge scientific strides made around premature births - far outweighing any disparity caused by style of weaning, car seats and method of putting together a bottle?

I thought a lot of it was the research that went into safe sleeping in the 80s?

Well if an expert/health professional told you, you'd have assumed it was OK, tbf. My friend's mum was told to put baby rice in n her bottle and she did. Friend has coeliac disease..

"Yep, and how did you feel when your Mum told you how to parent your child her way?"

Mine luckily have never commented on food but have with car seats - when can she face forward. We just explained that rear facing is safer and she will be that way until 7 years old - they also don't get a choice as we provide a seat for them.

😂
All of that clearly said by someone who didn't bf. My mil said some of these, but more incredulously, and was genuinely interested in my explanations for it all.

I say would they have been happy to take thalidomide or smoke or use lead COTs? As they had different advice as science improved.
The no car seat thing is bullshit as they might of literally only driven though a village to the local shop and back again, still risky but minimal but these days most driving is on motorways etc to work and you absolutely fucking need a car seat.
My MIL thinks you don’t need sunscreen and you need to burn to get a layer of protection against skin cancer FFS and it’s ok to wear a suit in 30’ heat (as royal child). She will not be having my children unsupervised in the summer.

Every generation think they know best. I'm sure you will be saying the same stuff when you have grandchildren.

"oh I always put a tot of whisky/brandy in the last bottle before bedtime, they slept right through"

This was said to me when DD was 2 weeks old. I wasn't bothered about her not sleeping through, but I happened to yawn in the presence of FIL's lady friend from bingo.

FIL chimed in that babies nowadays got away with murder and they weren't mollycoddled in his day.

New mum exhaustion rendered me speechless.

Just stand firm, smile, look them in the eye and say that you’ve done lots of reading and since you were born there has been much more research into various aspects of child development, so you must ask them to respect your decision to follow the current guidelines, especially when sanctioned or recommended by health authorities.

Ask them to consider the difference in safety measures since they themselves were born, for example the introduction of seatbelts, and the outcome of research into cot deaths which showed that babies should sleep on their backs and not their tummies or side.

Explain that you don’t want to keep justifying what ‘rules’ you set as this is upsetting for you, and ask them to follow your lead, especially when it comes to safety, sleep and food issues (in my experience, the 3 major subjects of contention).

I understand where they are coming from as latest recommendations went against a lot of what I’d been told when I had my babies. However, I listened to my DD and follow everything that she stipulates - her children, her rules - much like I did with my own in ignoring outdated advice from my senior relatives.

They’ll have to learn from you what is best for your children and, in time, they will get used to the different thinking today. Just stand firm and smile sweetly! Don’t be defensive or take it personally - they are showing ignorance and don’t be undermined.

I think it depends on what 'advice' they are giving. As a new mum you tend to follow whatever guidance fairly faithfully because of the 'what if...' factor. Those with rxperience have shrugged off the what if and don't have the same weight of responsibility so that gives them freedom of expression. When my eldest (now 27) was born, the advice was to start weaning at three months. I started him off with teeny tiny tastes and I mean teeny, at 11 weeks because he was so bloody hungry. That has now changed to being much later and personally I think blw is just a huge load of mess and a pain in the arse. Was I wrong to do what I did? I dunno but I followed advice and have a healthy 27 year old. Would I comment on a hypothetical DIL doing blw - nah. I might learn something and each to their own. I did find huge comfort in my MIL and mother telling me what their generation did (condesed milk, weaning me on steak - I was born with three teeth) which would send hysterics now and I did quite a bit of eye rolling (my husband was a potty trained embryo!). What I'm trying to say is don't completely dismiss unless dangerous (car seat crap), or just batshit but balance it always with what you want to do. You just do what you need to do for your family but nod and smile and ignore.

I reply with did that know the 4’ rule was decided by watching how often baby cows fed? Huge fucking animals with big stomachs who can walk from birth…..

Anne Diamond. She did so much to raise SIDS awareness in the 90’s.

If they’re being awful about it and you want to really stir things up, you can do a faux “Yes, isn’t that lucky? Makes your blood run cold to think of the dangerous advice they used to give…. Thank heaven we all know better now and aren’t so ignorant… Honestly I feel for you having to raise your children like that, I really do”

The idea being to leave them so flabbergasted at how rude you are that they have no breath left to criticise 😁

There is no need for you to lose your shit - it is actually useful to understand that there are fashions in these things. The way we do things now, which we are so sure is "correct", will raise shocked eyebrows in 25 years.

This is perfect. I really don't think it's something worth "losing your shit" over

When you're a MIL/nana yourself you'll probably be just as annoying trying to suggest they do baby led weaning when actually studies show.... <insert new fad>

Never had these comments from DM or MIL. However breastfed both of my DCs and DD once gained 17 oz in one week! I did wean them earlier than recommended now, both in their 50s now and healthy. A friends MIL said children shouldn't eat meat until they were three, but sweets were fine!

I’m normally pretty chilled out but MIL must have caught me on a bad day when my youngest was a few months old-he was crying and just generally unsettled and she commented that he’s probably starving because I wasn’t giving him solids yet, I explained that the current advice was not to until 6M. She then starts to laugh and said that she gave hers solids from 3M and they’re all fine😡.

My DH started to shrink into the chair I replied that years ago children were also sent to work in mines and did she think that was ok too?

Thing was when my mum had me breastfeeding was dismissed as unhygienic and unscientific.

progress was moving on from these lower class ways and feeding your baby formula designed by scientists to meet their optimum nutritional needs, with the ability to sterilise feeding equipment so no risk of baby getting sick. Probably a hangover as well from the post war years where fat babies were highly prized and mums wouldn’t have had access to proper nutrition to support breastfeeding.

but then similar generation were led to believe smoking was good for the lungs and advertised as a cure for asthma etc.

Depends on the issue. I was told by older generations of my family that insisting on putting baby to sleep on back & sleeping bags were essentially overkill because they didn't know to do that, and their babies were fine.

My response to that one was to tell them that they were just lucky then, not everyone's babies were fine.

For other things, I tend to just say sure - but its been a long time, we know more now & guidance has changed.

"Okay, I'll try it your way"

Then do whatever the hell you like.

In my experience there's no point in trying to explain to some people why the up to date guidance is better/safer. Save your breath and your energy and just ignore them, shrug them off.

I used to just laugh and say yes advice changes all the time doesn't it.

What you will find is that things do change and move on. Some things have changed even since my teenager was a baby. Once they get to school age people generally stop interfering as they realise you clearly know what you are doing.

Oh I know, and no judgement of your mum Notanotherusername. My MIL was the same and she said she didn't have the support or info back then, but was genuinely amazed by it all. My own mum did feed us, but just for 6 weeks, as recommended! 😂

Lots of babies/children weren't fine though.

I used SIDS stats from my birth year vs DD1's birth year...the difference is heart wrenching.

Ditto car seats esp rear facing.

Ditto weaning. That was personally easy as I was 'weaned' onto rusks at 8 weeks...I have IBS, eczema, asthma, allergies...

Ask if they would be happy being driven home by a drunk driver with no seatbelts a la 1960s...

Know better, do better!