Page 6 | Is this racist?

PinkyU · 2022-12-29T17:13:47+00:00

My DD has just been approached by an older (than her) male after parking her car to pop into a shop, she was still in the car. He approached her drivers side looking in the car then walked away back to his car. Walked back up again and started to speak, dd has opened the door and said “sorry?”, he asked her if she had enough space to get out, she said “yes plenty”, he then said “are you foreign”? DD said “what?!”, he repeated “are you foreign because of your accent”. DD said “no, bye then” and walked away. For transparency, DD looks typically Middle Eastern dark olive skin, dark eyes, very long dark hair but is white. She has an accent typical for our area. He was being a racist shit, yes? She saw him walk into his house and I want to go confront him.

Reugny · 29/12/2022 19:59

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 19:52

We are past this point though. I was not talking anymore about the op and her daughter. There has been much concersation in between.
We were all talking about it generally. I'm not that guy and I didn't approach her daughter so i dont take responsibility for that.
I have said clearly that intention and tone is massive.

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No you decided that you were passed that point.

Dacadactyl · 29/12/2022 19:59

@BrownEyedGhoul I dont believe that the older woman was wrong to ask where the lady from the charity was from, but she was wrong to carry on asking when the lady said Hackney and the charity's name. If the lady wanted to talk about her wider background she would have used the initial enquiry to do so.

She also should not have touched a strangers hair! That was odd and I wouldn't have liked that myself.

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 20:01

BrownEyedGhoul · 29/12/2022 19:53

Those people saying that intention is what matter, you don understand that those you are talking to don't and can't know your intention, yes?

What point are you trying to make? . I'm foreign and if I see someone talking in my language or husbands I will ask where they are from only to have common cultural reference and then chat in shared language. This is not a regular thing and has happened a few times and I used it as an example. It's therefore in an intention as a shared cultural thing.

No one was ever offended and people have asked me the same when they hear me speak my language. Its not much to do with op and the guy who spoke to her DD. I'd be more concerned about some weirdo at my daughters window and her safety though.

I've realised it's better to stay quiet though because people will misunderstand you straight away. Especially on mumsnet

BrownEyedGhoul · 29/12/2022 20:02

Dacadactyl · 29/12/2022 19:59

@BrownEyedGhoul I dont believe that the older woman was wrong to ask where the lady from the charity was from, but she was wrong to carry on asking when the lady said Hackney and the charity's name. If the lady wanted to talk about her wider background she would have used the initial enquiry to do so.

She also should not have touched a strangers hair! That was odd and I wouldn't have liked that myself.

Ok, I can see that. A follow up...do you see that, for people who have been asked where are you REALLY from many times, they might also not like the first where are you from?
It's context dependent, but if its a stranger, and there is no obvious reason why you need to know where they are from, and with so much potential to cause offence, I just can't see why you would ask. So you're interested, but people aren't objects to amuse you.

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 20:02

Reugny · 29/12/2022 19:59

No you decided that you were passed that point.

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What do you want from me at this point? An argument?

If you read what I say I'm clearly not racist and don't tolerate it.

Dacadactyl · 29/12/2022 20:10

@BrownEyedGhoul im not sure i do understand that if im entirely honest. Like I said before, people generally like talking about themselves. I would expect most people to realise that an enquiry of this sort is just a normal thing to ask in conversation. I'd say I wouldnt be asking for my own amusement. I would expect someone to ask me where I'm from if I'm meeting then for the first time...wherever I was.

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 20:10

BrownEyedGhoul · 29/12/2022 20:02

Ok, I can see that. A follow up...do you see that, for people who have been asked where are you REALLY from many times, they might also not like the first where are you from?
It's context dependent, but if its a stranger, and there is no obvious reason why you need to know where they are from, and with so much potential to cause offence, I just can't see why you would ask. So you're interested, but people aren't objects to amuse you.

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I agree with those points. So i don't have an issue.

Deadringer · 29/12/2022 20:23

And if he is racist, what then?

BrownEyedGhoul · 29/12/2022 20:26

Dacadactyl · 29/12/2022 20:10

@BrownEyedGhoul im not sure i do understand that if im entirely honest. Like I said before, people generally like talking about themselves. I would expect most people to realise that an enquiry of this sort is just a normal thing to ask in conversation. I'd say I wouldnt be asking for my own amusement. I would expect someone to ask me where I'm from if I'm meeting then for the first time...wherever I was.

Some people like talking about themselves. At a party, or soically, maybe. But who are you asking? Waiters, bar staff, nurses...are you asking people while they are working?

I don't see why you would expect people to ask you where you are from on first meeting, why would they need or want to know?

I think you can't understand that your experience of being asked where you are from as a white person might be very different from the experiences of people of colour, who get asked for different reasons too often.

Dacadactyl · 29/12/2022 20:33

@BrownEyedGhoul no, it would be weird to randomly ask someone while they were working I would think.

Unless for instance, they had the same accent as my mum or a friend or something, in which case I'd probably ask cos then I'd say "my mum/friend is also from there, do you go back much?" or whatever.

I'm thinking of something like on a hen do or something where I might not know everyone. I would ask the people I didn't know where they were from.

I see what you mean in the last paragraph, but I honestly believe most people aren't asking from a place of trying to "other".

BrownEyedGhoul · 29/12/2022 20:50

Dacadactyl · 29/12/2022 20:33

@BrownEyedGhoul no, it would be weird to randomly ask someone while they were working I would think.

Unless for instance, they had the same accent as my mum or a friend or something, in which case I'd probably ask cos then I'd say "my mum/friend is also from there, do you go back much?" or whatever.

I'm thinking of something like on a hen do or something where I might not know everyone. I would ask the people I didn't know where they were from.

I see what you mean in the last paragraph, but I honestly believe most people aren't asking from a place of trying to "other".

I appreciate that many/most won't be trying to other, but that is often the feeling the person asked gets.
It's tiring to be asked a lot...you feel as if people are too often highlighting the fact that you don't belong, that you don't fit, that they have seen that you are different.

You keep mentioning accents and I get that, but I don't think you realise that a lot of people don't ask because of accent, but colour. I've been asked many times by people with the same accent as me where I'm from. It can't help but feel racist

Dacadactyl · 29/12/2022 20:59

@BrownEyedGhoul Maybe they are asking you because of colour, I can't speak to that because that's not why I ask.

I was asking questions on this thread, because I was curious about other peoples' take on things.

Have a good evening and thanks for your comments.

BrownEyedGhoul · 29/12/2022 21:01

Dacadactyl · 29/12/2022 20:59

@BrownEyedGhoul Maybe they are asking you because of colour, I can't speak to that because that's not why I ask.

I was asking questions on this thread, because I was curious about other peoples' take on things.

Have a good evening and thanks for your comments.

You know that's not why you ask, they don't. Just something to think about next time you ask. Just because you don't mean to cause offence doesn't mean you haven't.