Child won't have hair brushed

[hairhelpme]

Anyone have experience of a child who won't have hair brushed?
My DD is 5 and what I would call "tender headed", I think she has some kind of phobia of having her hair touched.
She is perfectly normally behaved in all other areas

I've tried everything - all types of brush and comb, I'm extremely gentle, I have tried holding the hair near the root to prevent discomfort, I usually do it with my hands but it takes hours

She has thick, coarse hair which holds very little moisture (she is white and South American).

She won't sit for a hair cut
If I try to brush her hair she screams in pain and cries.
I cannot bring myself to hold her down and inflict this pain on her whether it's really that bad or she just hates it so what do I do?
Her hair looks like rats tails at the moment

Exactly this.

Holding children down to force them to brush their hair when they're in pain is just cruel. Making them cut their hair when they don't want to goes against everything we should be teaching them about consent and bodily autonomy.
All it does is teach your child that you care more about their appearance than their comfort.

My DD has lots of sensory issues, I suspect she has SPD. She hates hair brushing and hair cuts. We've found a hairbrush she will tolerate once in a while so her hair gets brushed every few days when she's OK with it. It has to be her choice. If I try and do it every day she refuses to have it brushed at all so that's the compromise. Like others have said, desensitising the scalp first can also help. And distractions.

So you don’t want to cut it because it will upset her and you don’t want to brush it because it will upset her?!
What do you want us to say?
Her hair will get tangled and knotty and pull at her skin which will be more painful. She’ll start to look like a bird nest.

You don’t want to deal with it you just want to moan at people who are trying to help.

I've got one of these, only she is also a toothbrush refuser, and I use the same tactic with both, you do it or I do it, get it done as fast as possible, try not to worry what the neighbours think about the anguished screams coming from my child. Because not doing it would be neglect.

But yes as regards teeth, she chose her toothbrush and toothpaste. As regards hair, she chose the brush and who uses it, and plenty of conditioner or serum. But the actual hair brushing is non negotiable like teeth brushing, it has to be done. It's not about vanity, if it doesn't get done it becomes matted and painful which is much worse, and makes the scalp sore which perpetuates the problem, whereas regular brushing is kinder in the long run by keeping on top of it it becomes a quick routine task which is less painful because the hair is not matted and it does not take long, so that it might be annoying and a sensory issue still, but is less painful and the hair doesn't become matted or have to be cut off.

For those saying hair doesn't need to be brushed.

What if the child gets a head lice infection? What if the child develops matted hair, that pulls and causes pain to the scalp?

You can't leave her infested or in pain. And then drastic option will occur such as shaving parts of it off.

It's not about style and appearance, it's about hygiene and care.

Even if said daughter said I want a no6 all over and shave it off, I'd oblige again not because of her style but because at least then it can be cleaned, washed, no matting and if a head lice infection occurs it can be treated with ease.

DS has gorgeous loose blonde curls, but a few weeks ago I had to shave half of it off and leave some length on top. Because head lice are circulating in his class, and he will not "obviously" let anyone try and comb the curls because it hurts. But now he has short back and sides and just a small length on top, should he become infested, I can treat it easily. Hair grows back 🤷🏻‍♀️

@hairhelpme op most of these posts really don't get it. I do. I have a fourteen year old son with autism who is even worse than your daughter tbh. We now have drs involved. I really don't want it to get to that extreme for your dd. Contact national autistic society. I know you've not mentioned your daughter has any signs of autism but this is very common with autism so NAS. Will be able to help, support and give you strategies that might work for her. Please feel free to message me if you want to I totally get where you are coming from and how stressful it is. Sending hugs x

And your hairdresser is a gossip and you're a judgemental h supportive sister

You will have to gradually get her used to it which will take time. It’s likely to be that she’s worried that it’s going to hurt even if it doesn’t.

get rid of the brushes and use a wide tooth comb then a smaller tooth comb. But first you need to get her used to having her hair handled.

so, long fun baths, lots of toys for her to play with. Soak her hair in conditioner, absolutely drench it. Just use your fingers to gently separate it. Give her the brush so she knows you’re not brushing it. that shouldn’t hurt. Try and put into two bunches and gently plait for bedtime as best you can.

Next day, same thing. After finger separating, start using the wide tooth comb, just do the ends really slowly and gently. Work up but as soon as it hurts or she grumbles then stop.

eventually you’ll get to a place where you have a routine of finger separation, then wide tooth comb, then narrow comb.

plait for bed. Never leave it out for bed or swimming.

Echo those who said look at Curly Girl Method. It sounds like her hair is quite dry so look at how you can get more moisture into it - sulphate free shampoo (or no shampoo and "co-wash") and silicone free conditioner are the starting point, along with making sure you really "squish" the conditioner into her hair.

@clpsmum you know nothing about me, the relationship with my hairdresser or sister so keep your nasty comments to yourself.

My daughter used to be exactly like this about toenail cutting - but it had to be done as otherwise it hurt in her shoes and they could get infected. We had to hold her down and give chocolate and other treats as bribery. It didn't work, she still screamed and was terrified of it. But it's a health thing. Because of nits etc, so is hair.
She grew out of it due to repeat exposure and learning that it's ok really.

But it's a health thing. Because of nits etc, so is hair.

What about mental health? Is distressing a child every day worth it for the hypothetical risk of nits?
For some children it's not "something to get over" it's an actual sensory condition. It should be treated as any other health problem and not just dismissed.

Nits aren't a hypothetical risk, though. They're incredibly common in nurseries and primary schools - and need to be combed out and treated if you don't want the child to suffer and potentially become unwell.

But if the child doesn't currently have nits, why cut their hair just in case?
My DD has never had nits yet, I'm sure she will at some point and we'll deal with it when she does. I'm not going to distress her more than necessary by insisting her hair is brushed and cut just in case.

I'd be able to cut it off fast whilst you held her. I did this often when I worked in a salon you're not alone. Yes she'll cry dcs do cry and scream sometimes. But people who say get it cut are right.
Pay for someone to come to your home and warn them. Have conditioner on. You can't let her rule you.

Is she your only DC?

Prevention is easier than treatment though.

This is why I have shaved off DS mop of long blonde curls. I rather him sport a short back and sides whilst nits are circulating his class, than have to spend weeks treating them. He may still catch them yes, but treating and combing will now be a hell of a lot easier if he does.

Because nits aren't the only issue with unbrushed hair.

There's matts, which can be extremely painful if left untreated, to the point where the only way to get them out is to shave the head and start again. Probably a lot more traumatic long-term than daily brushing.

There's basic hygiene - hair that's unbrushed and unwashed will gather dirt, old food and muck in it, which isn't pleasant for those around you, and will likely lead to bullying and comments from teachers and potentially even social services long-term.

You can't just leave your child to get matted, knotted hair because they dislike having it brushed - if they can't cope with a hairbrush (which is totally valid for children with sensory issues) then the answer is cut their hair to such a length that brushing is no longer an issue. I was similar as a child (now diagnosed with autism) and just had short hair until I was capable of caring for it myself.

You'd think we were murdering dgs who's 6 sometimes when he isn't getting his own way. He's shocking. Doesn't do it with me so much as it doesn't work.

Funny how people usually only do this with boys! Girls don't get a short back and sides in case of nits.

Lots of girls have bobs or pixie cuts though, or wear their hair in plaits to avoid transmission - it's no different.

Comb it when wet only and then when it's dry, spritz with conditioner/water mix or detangler - you can get fruity ones and she might find it fun to do it herself - and separate with your fingers. You could make it easier by separating into two bunches or plaits and coaxing curls round your fingers, as it's less hair to deal with. Have been there with coarse hair that REALLY hurt to brush when it was dry. Get her to sleep in a plait or two plaits and it'll take some of the tangles out of the equation, but I appreciate she might not sit for hair styling. You might have luck desensitising her by stroking or gently playing with her hair as a form of relaxation with her permission, showing her that having her scalp touched doesn't automatically mean pain.

Yeah - my DS got nits (more than once now) - if I'd let it go entirely unbrushed, so he just had one big loaf of matted hair on the back of his head, then he would have had to have his head shaved.

As things go, getting him used to brushing his hair (in as gentle a manner as possible) once a week means that when nits come, we can deal without it without the absolute trauma of saying "right, that's it, number 4 all over, and that's best case because I might not be able to get the comb between the matt and the back of your head"

I have had hair of all lengths - even when I enthusiastically wanted a buzz cut, it was a bloody shock to do it, I can't imagine how it would be for a kid who hated people touching their hair.

Growing up our school would send the letter home about nits and the request on it would state, as advice

"to hinder/limit transmission hair can be cut short boy/girl or if long to come to school with it plaited or pinned in buns."

School nurse would do your hair if you came to school with it loose long and flowing. Many preferred mum/dad to do it as school nurse was ruthless with the comb, tight elastics and pins."

You could always tell when nits were circulating as every girl had slicked back gelled buns or plaits on the top of their hair, and the smell of tea tree oil lingered in the air.

🤣

My autistic sons don't have their hair brushed at all but I cut it short every 4-5 weeks so brushing isn't needed. Hair cuts are/were a nightmare - but it's easier to do it at home with the tv on (ideally something they really want to watch) and then a quick shower immediately. Try and work out if it's hard or light pressure that's more triggering and try to apply stronger/lighter pressure if that helps before starting. You can get weighted shoulder pads which can help. Build up to a full brush and stop if asked. Some people prefer counting down until you next have a break. Pick a time when they aren't too tired or have other stresses as sensory stuff tends to be heightened if already somewhat stressed. Try fidget toys and other distractions. Try different brushes/combs and approaches and include your daughter in deciding what works best.

Ha yep it was the same in our school