Child won't have hair brushed

[hairhelpme]

Anyone have experience of a child who won't have hair brushed?
My DD is 5 and what I would call "tender headed", I think she has some kind of phobia of having her hair touched.
She is perfectly normally behaved in all other areas

I've tried everything - all types of brush and comb, I'm extremely gentle, I have tried holding the hair near the root to prevent discomfort, I usually do it with my hands but it takes hours

She has thick, coarse hair which holds very little moisture (she is white and South American).

She won't sit for a hair cut
If I try to brush her hair she screams in pain and cries.
I cannot bring myself to hold her down and inflict this pain on her whether it's really that bad or she just hates it so what do I do?
Her hair looks like rats tails at the moment

My daughter was the same for years. She also can't bare for her hair to be washed. We do it minimally as its so traumatic. I have her hair cut in a very short bob. It takes a lot of bribery and a very patient hairdresser. Use whatever insentive that works best for your daughter (sweets, staying up late, favourite activity) plus lots of fun snacks/sweets during. On days that wont work i use bribery as described above but i cut it myself with my husbands help.

Now she is 7 she is a bit better and will give it a very brief brush herself. So much of the difficulties are over. She chooses to keep it short as she still hates it being brushed/touched and she sees this is the easiest option luckily. Plus she looks super cute and stylish with it that was 😃

This is the best type of brush to use we have found -
www.amazon.co.uk/Detangling-Detangle-Bristle-Detangler-Iridescent/dp/B0BBWNKBK6/ref=asc_df_B0BBWNKBK6/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=607009619189&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=15356214744110551441&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=t&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9044970&hvtargid=pla-1806078153772&psc=1

You need to brush it regardless of her screams, yes.

It's neglectful to not brush it and let it her matted - it's not optional. If she can't or won't tolerate it being brushed and styled once a week, she'll need to have it cut, even if that means she's held down for a couple of minutes.

Is it nice? No. Will it be forever? Also no. It's just one of those things that has to be done, like brushing their teeth, giving them medication or getting them to school.

Grab hair into ponytail at back of head.
Get scissors and cut off the stuff behind your hand. If she wriggles, you get the cut not her.
She now has shoulder length hair which is easier.

Wash her hair in the bath then absolutely laden it with conditioner. Get her a mirror so she can see herself and a very wide tooth comb (to start with). Then start at the very ends. Explain that it is not good to have tangles - if she can't have it combed she will have to have it cut.

If that isn't working - distract more. Wrap her in a towel with her hair full of conditioner and sit her in front of the tv. Then work from the ends up with the wide tooth comb. You need to break the association with pain and tugging. You said you're gentle and she starts getting upset before you start so it's not pain, it's fear of pain.

Does she see you wash and brush your hair? Make sure she see it as something that needs doing. Agree with plaiting and leaving until next wash. Also get her a silk pillowcase or hair wrap to stop it tangling as much overnight.

My dd couldn't bear having her hair brushed, the above worked for her.

Look at strategies for kids with asd. Many have sensory sensitivities. With ds I did a little bit at a time regularly. He used to also hate hair washing so I used to wet hair with a flannel and gently squeeze water over his head to rise off any shampoo. I used a tangle teeze brush and did just one bit every time. He got better.

The aussie tangle spray is also good. I was very careful not to tug. You do however need to insist on doing a bit regularly. If her hair gets matted it will be worse as you will have to cut sections.

Things that are helpful for autistic children may be helpful for your daughter. Tricks to try include gently massaging her face and neck on a regular basis before moving to scalp massage then get her to rub a nice feeling cloth on her face. Having her drink a thick liquid such as milkshake or smoothy through a straw, very chewy items to eat such as fruit pastilles, have her hold a vibrating toy or electric toothbrush.

All these ideas will help desensitise the head/face/mouth/neck area and may help.

Also let her choose the conditioner. Tonnes of it but apply in stages, combing gently from the bottom up.

Good luck 😍

I'm afraid that you do need to insist on brushing or a cut, but even when it's cut she will need it brushed.

We had similar but less extreme issues, she hated having her hair brushed. So we have her the option and she went for a cut and now has a bob.

We also let her pick her own hair brush and use detangling spray.

And yes, we brush even if she's crying about it.

And yes, I pin her down to brush her teeth if she doesn't do it herself. After a few horrible times of her being physically held she now knows that 'brush on I will pin you down' is real. She brushes her teeth even though she hates it.

I was this kid. I've thick, wavy/curly coarse Celtic hair, it was long also, midway down my back. I would scream, refuse, have meltdowns. Constant battles with mum about it, of run and hide all sorts. (poor mum)

My mother through pure exhaustion one day when I was about 5 or 6, pulled it dry it into a low ponytail under the nape of my neck best she could and....cut it off with a guide elastic band halfway down the ponytail.

She released it and I had a chin length wavy/curly bob.

She then handed me a wide tooth comb and said, do it yourself then.

I cried but I then attempted to comb it myself. Through shocked tears I will add...but,

I did, and it was so much less painful as I wasn't pulling through lengths of thick curly/wavy locks, which was then pulling on my scalp.

I mean yeah she could have been nicer about it, but it was the 90's and she just couldn't cope anymore, and being a mum myself now, I look back and think she was just doing her best through exhaustion and fed up of battles and unhygienic hair.

She knew she couldn't negotiate with me, so she took it upon herself like some SAS secret mission to resolve it, and it did.

After a few weeks of me coming it myself and accepting it didn't hur as much, she then took me to the hairdresser to get it tidied up and styled properly when I was calmer and more accepting.

I'm not saying this is the best kindest plan, but it's a plan if you need one. 😳

The Manta is the most gentle detangling brush I have found. I have just killed mine and replaced it with a Tangle Teezer but am ordering another Mata as it feels so much nicer. Use with loads of conditioner and even my daughter with ASD could cope despite having thick knotty hair. She even complains about having her hair touched and can’t tolerate having it plaited.

Manta brush

Brushing my hair hurts. A wide toothed comb is the only way to go with thick curly hair.

I very much doubt you will find a hairdresser who will cut a child’s hair who doesn’t want it cut.

I’ve seen it on a few hairdressers fb pages stating they have to have the child’s consent.

Even our local children’s shoe shop states they will not measure and fit shoes on children who are distressed by it.

Will she let you brush it with your/her fingers, either when wet (with conditioner in) or not?

Massaging the scalp before brushing might help reduce sensitivity. Also placing your other hand on the scalp where you are brushing the lengths to provide pressure/reduce pulling. A visual timer she can see might help, also distractions like videos/fidget toys. A box of nice hair ribbons/scrunchies/clips she can pick from while you’re brushing.

Let her see you brush your hair and brush your hair herself, normalise it, make positive comments about brushing and styling your own hair.

I still do not like brushing my hair, and on bad sensory days won’t do it, but I have thick wavy hair that doesn’t look good short, so cutting hair isn’t always an option. I use a Tangle teezer and Argan oil spray, and my hair is usually Dutch braided for sleep to reduce tangles in the morning. A high ponytail or top knot for sleep can also reduce tangles and the need to brush so often.

My scalp is very tender but my hair is smooth and silky but I can't stand other people touching my scalp/brushing or washing my hair - it's painful! I use a tangle teaser, can't have hair tied up at all.

Somehow I think you need to cut it much shorter. Let her do it herself under guidance, get her to brush her own hair too again try a tangle teaser with leave in conditioner.

Where in your OP does it say she won't tolerate it being cut?

I've got these brushes for me - fine, thick curly hair that likes to matt. Even my hairdresser is impressed with them. By far the easiest, non tugging brushes I have used.

I'm sorry wether she cried or not she'd be having her hair brushed in the bath when wet with loads of conditioner, I think it's not hurting she just doesn't like it and if you just continue to do the same routine every time and ignore the drama, she will eventually stop. X

Is it curly as well as thick and dry?

Mine is. If I brush it it doesn't hurt me, but it looks frizzy and awful.

I wash it once a week and whilst washing it I put a LOT of conditioner in it and then run my fingers through it until it's smooth. Does she tolerate that?

I occasionally use a comb in the shower but that does pull more. It also depends a lot on the comb - I have one which is quite wide-pronged but the tips of the prongs are unusually sharp. I avoid using it. Is your comb like that?

I assume you have tried combing whilst holding a bunch of the hair at the top with your other hand so it isn't pulled by the comb?

I never brush my hair outside the shower. I mostly wear it up. Otherwise just run my fingers through it.

I’m in the same boat op!!! A frozen hair brush and chocolate has helped but I only have a twenty second window before she goes nuts so it’s a bit of a nightmare. You are so limited with what you can do realistically, i don’t agree you are pandering to her at all!!! I find on mumsnet there are some old school people who will imply you should force her and just let her cry, personally with hair I’m not willing to do that either. Distraction definitely is the way to go. What we do is tag team. One person distracts and one person brushes! It does work well but long hair is really hard to look after without constant brushing!!! I will follow this thread with interest in case ideas come up!

My dd gets super matted hair, it’s fine and just knots up. We use “magic” cream which was olaplex no 6, and then just a bottle of intensive conditioner, and this hairbrush

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B09XJVBF27?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_asin_title

which is the best one I’ve found for detangling. Other than that, brushing a tiny section holding the hair just above where you’re brushing from tip up, working slowly towards the root in small sections.

good luck!

Have you tried googling sensory processing and tactile hyposensitivity? That might give you more strategies.
Keep it quick, count down from 5, immediate reward. Distraction, let her do it herself are generally successful strategies.

My god sister has hair similar like your daughters she would hate her mum doing it, so I did it. I'd be there for hours but soft and gently do it. I used v05 hot oils on her hair, made a big deal out of it. And big up a girlie sleep over where we would of make overs. Is there someone who could help you? It's funny I was the same little I hated my mum doing it, and would let me god mum do it. X

I had the exact same with my 5yo DD, one day whilst out shopping I saw this child's book called 'don't you dare brush my hair' after a couple of times of reading it my daughter started to let me do her hair. It could be worth a try?

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dont-You-Dare-Brush-Hair/dp/1789474035/ref=ascdff_1789474035/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=523616119418&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8739041789468281498&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007410&hvtargid=pla-1331563769663&psc=1&th=1&psc=1