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Original poster

Child won't have hair brushed

137 replies

hairhelpme · 27/12/2022 20:52

Anyone have experience of a child who won't have hair brushed?
My DD is 5 and what I would call "tender headed", I think she has some kind of phobia of having her hair touched.
She is perfectly normally behaved in all other areas

I've tried everything - all types of brush and comb, I'm extremely gentle, I have tried holding the hair near the root to prevent discomfort, I usually do it with my hands but it takes hours

She has thick, coarse hair which holds very little moisture (she is white and South American).

She won't sit for a hair cut
If I try to brush her hair she screams in pain and cries.
I cannot bring myself to hold her down and inflict this pain on her whether it's really that bad or she just hates it so what do I do?
Her hair looks like rats tails at the moment

OP posts:
Stichintime · 27/12/2022 21:11

I think people are telling you how it got resolved. I used the 'if you don't let me brush it, you'll have to cut it'.

WhateverIdo · 27/12/2022 21:12

My kid was exactly the same.

Except I did hold her down and do it because the alternative is her ending up with dreadlocks. She had nits, it was non negotiable, not doing so would be neglect. She now mainly agrees reluctantly

I offer the easy way...in which she sits, I spray, brush and plait or the hard.....I pin her down.

She takes the easy way

Genevie82 · 27/12/2022 21:14

Bob haircut - very easy to maintain for thick hair until she can brush herself and use a very soft brush-just a quick few strokes before you leave the house just to look smart (ish) - find a different hairdresser good with kids - you have to shop about I find x

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SleekMamma · 27/12/2022 21:14

And I'm telling you I have experienced this. And there are two solutions- once a week brush and plaits or a bob. There is no magic solution.

TightFistedWozerk · 27/12/2022 21:14

I would treat her as if she does have an undiagnosed condition that makes her hyper aware of scalp sensation. Have a look on your local facebook pages for a hairdresser who specialises in autism friendly cutting, ask around; some of them are miracle workers. Agree with calpol 20 mins beforehand.

Good luck.

Zogthebiggestdragon · 27/12/2022 21:15

My daughter is like this. She has pretty thick curly hair and we've tried pretty much everything. When she napped I could brush her hair while she was asleep, it's a lot harder now she only sleeps in bed. I bought a wet hair brush and brush it with a shit ton of conditioner after swimming sometimes, generally we just have to hold her down and brush it. Sometimes i brush it while shes asleep in bed.

Not fun but it has to be done. She is now (almost 5) starting to be able to brush it herself which is massively helpful.

Frequency · 27/12/2022 21:15

Have you investigated uncombable hair syndrome?

If this has been ruled out I would look for a silicone based detangling spray. The silicone will coat the hair and make it "slippy" and less prone to knots.

YouWouldNotBelieveIt · 27/12/2022 21:16

I bought some hair-detangling spray from Avon for my granddaughter, and it works a treat

monsterpup · 27/12/2022 21:16

Your options are basically

  1. Get her to somehow tolerate the hair brushing
  2. hold her down and brush it
  3. hold her down and cut it

She sounds old enough to lay these options out to? Have you asked her exactly why she hates the hair brushing so much? Does she just say it hurts? How have you managed until this point?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/12/2022 21:17

unfortunately OP there is no magic answer, your child needs their hair brushed. I pin down my 2 yr old to brush her teeth, it has to be done. There’s ways you can make life a little easier, conditioner and bribery but actually at 5 she needs to understand it’s getting brushed regardless. My daughter screams and moans about her hair being styled but I can’t let her go to school with matted hair

evemillbank · 27/12/2022 21:18

Do you use detangle spray when you try to brush it?

SupposeItDoesnt · 27/12/2022 21:18

This happened with my 3 year old. So we took her to the hairdresser (an experienced childrens hairdresser) and he cut it within about 10 seconds into a very short bob. Yes she cried but with speed, a tv screen and chocolate buttons it was done. It that had failed my husband would have held her and I would have cut it - or cut it when she was sleeping in sections if needed

mackthepony · 27/12/2022 21:19

DD is the same.

She has a page boy cut. It doesn't need brushing at all really.

However her hair is very fine and straight so this may not work with your DD

AnotherAppleThief · 27/12/2022 21:20

Well what's the alternative to you not brishing her her even if she 'screams the house down'?

Its going to get incredibly matted and probably one day she'll get headline which will need to be dealt with. The result of not brushing is neglect and she'll eventually need it shaving off, that'll certainly make her scream the house down so pick your poison!

Do you not go anywhere nice like a wedding or smart occasion? Does she just look a state for those?

Reugny · 27/12/2022 21:21

Hairdressers and barbers who cut kids hair are experienced in dealing with children who don't want to be there.

Just be warned that if your child has curly hair then some hairdressers will refuse to cut it. So try to find someone with curly hair to cut it.

marrymeadam · 27/12/2022 21:22

My daughter has one sensitive patch on her head. It's weird. Just diagonally above her ear on the left. She is a dancer/gymnast and drying it for comps is a nightmare when you get to that spot. She is 13 now and just has to put up with it for 2 minutes but previously it was a fight. I think you should do as others suggest and slather it in curly hair products. We get stuff for Afro hair and give her the Orion to brush it or you will have to.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 27/12/2022 21:23

It’s time to be the adult. Brushing is not negotiable, she has it brushed or it’s cut off. I have two DDs, one with spectrum issues, so I’ve been there, they now both have brushed long hair. Not doing something in case they cry is ridiculous. Things that can help - reverse conditioning, conditioner on dry hair then wash. Brush when it is dripping wet with a wet brush (about £3 from savers). Plait for bed. A scalp massage brush is good for washing, they were able to use it themselves. Wide tooth comb instead of brush between washes.

3partypics · 27/12/2022 21:24

If her hair is curly (sounds like it might be?) then it shouldn't be brushed at all/very often unless soaking wet and with conditioner. If it's very tangled she'll likely need a deep conditioning treatment on it for a while before you start otherwise it will be sore. I suggest you look up curly girl groups and try some different products to suit her hair type.

My scalp used to ache from brushing as a kid, but it was because my hair was so dry and then being tugged and pulled. My scalp still gets sore now if I don't use the right products on it.

Reugny · 27/12/2022 21:27

I've just noticed this -

I have tried holding the hair near the root to prevent discomfort, I usually do it with my hands but it takes hours

Comb/brush in sections starting at the ends working towards the roots.

If her hair is curly or wavy use a large tooth comb after using a detangling spray/conditioner on that section.

Oh and mine screams when there is no way I'm hurting her.

Sandysandwich · 27/12/2022 21:27

Can you desensitise her head a bit before you start? That helped with a child I used to look after who was tender headed
Will she let you touch her head? Does she let you shampoo it in the bath/shower?

If she does maybe start by massaging her head more when washing and build up to massaging her head outside of shower times?
I would do this when washing his hair and then throughout the day and then right before brushing and after a while he relaxed more and it seemed to hurt less.

Also eventually when he would tolerate brushing for a small amount of time- I made sure to brush (for about 10 seconds) before washing, then use a silicone head scrubber thing in the shower to massage in the shampoo and then lots of head squeezes whilst towelling dry and then brushing after. All brushing happened while watching favourite tv shows in the evening

I also thinned out his hair with those thinning shears which did help a bit

BradfordGirl · 27/12/2022 21:38

Will she tolerate a wide toothed comb?

Paddingtonsmarmlade · 27/12/2022 21:39

we play wheels on the bus on YouTube, for some reason it seems to help with dd aged 4. Anything your dd like to watch to distract her?

Beamur · 27/12/2022 21:46

My DD had long curly hair. Nightmare to comb.
Tried everything - wet combing with conditioner, wide comb etc.
She asked for it to be cut. Hated combing it so much. It's a short pixie now. No knots!

LollipopViolet · 27/12/2022 21:48

Have you tried different shampoo and conditioners? I have quite a sensitive scalp, and I've found if I wash my hair with certain products it gets so knotty when I towel dry it that brushing is a painful process that usually pulls a lot of hairs out - and I've got wavy hair rather than full on curly.

It needs doing, or she'll need to sit still for it to be cut. The longer it's left, the harder it's going to be to attempt to brush it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/12/2022 21:51

You have been offered loads of practical advice and solutions and said 'No' to all of them. Perhaps she gets her negative attitude from you? Just a thought.

You are the parent here. You either cut it or brush it. If she screams the place down for a minute or two then so be it.