Child won't have hair brushed

[hairhelpme]

Anyone have experience of a child who won't have hair brushed?
My DD is 5 and what I would call "tender headed", I think she has some kind of phobia of having her hair touched.
She is perfectly normally behaved in all other areas

I've tried everything - all types of brush and comb, I'm extremely gentle, I have tried holding the hair near the root to prevent discomfort, I usually do it with my hands but it takes hours

She has thick, coarse hair which holds very little moisture (she is white and South American).

She won't sit for a hair cut
If I try to brush her hair she screams in pain and cries.
I cannot bring myself to hold her down and inflict this pain on her whether it's really that bad or she just hates it so what do I do?
Her hair looks like rats tails at the moment

My DD went through this phase when she was 9/10. She has thick, slightly wavy hair and just refused to brush it or let me brush.

My solution was to leave it. As long as she washed it when she showered or bathed, she could walk around with tangled hair if that's what she wanted. Then school photo day came around, a person helping out tried to comb her hair and the comb broke in it! That was the lightbulb moment for DD, she thought it was funny, but decided that she didn't want such tangled hair anymore.

Now she's 17 and spends alot of time on her hair. She does find a Wet Brush easiest and uses plenty of conditioner. I think your DD will also grow out of it; I wouldn't worry as long as she washes her hair.

Why does it need to be brushed?

Just gently pull it back and tie it up or back, and use clips at the sides.

This is what I did with DD3's hair for a few years. It was washed about twice a week with just conditioner.

Nobody's hair 'needs' to be brushed.

I haven't brushed mine dry for at least 15 years. I use a wet comb in the shower sometimes.

You could just use curly girl method?

I'd get it cut very short. Only let her grow it if she brushes it or lets you brush it. Otherwise keep cut very short.

I would just say or else. I didn't like having my hair brushed. My mum just used to continue brushing. Have you tried a hair salon to see if she likes this I still don't like brushing my hair but it really is a choice of no brushing and super short hair or hair. Or possibly lots of conditioner then straight into plaits but then what's the point of having longer hair in that circumstance

@mathanxiety I disagree. If I don't brush my hair it becomes very very matted. It depends on your hair type I think.

@hairhelpme no solutions sorry but my DD (4) point blank refuses to have her hair cut. Luckily she is ok with brushing. It needs a cut but as it doesn’t affect her health I’ve just let it be. I focus my energy on the things that could be harmful to her - like ensuring her teeth are cleaned and that she goes to the dentist. I just don’t have the energy for the battle with her hair as well. I’ve decided that if she wants her hair to look a mess then that’s her look out.

Nobody's hair 'needs' to be brushed.

Well, you say that, but DS's hair would just be one large dreadlock if I didn't brush it.

DS also hates having his hair brushed, and always has. He has long, curly (finger-sized curls) hair.

We started with bargaining - watching TV, with snacks, I was allowed to carefully cut chunks off - he looked fairly awful, due to this being done in a rush, so not all entirely the same length, but meant that no brushing was needed.

When he got a bit older (older than yours), and he decided he didn't want it cut at all, I said that it had to be brushed, and we started off once a month, and now we do it once a week. First I carefully pull the tangles apart with my hands piece by piece, on damp hair (I use a spray bottle or a flannel), then I carefully brush/comb it through from the ends up, chunk by chunk, then I put intensive conditioner through, and he washes it out in the morning. It takes nearly an hour on a bad week.

It's not ideal, I think if I could get him to let me do it twice a week, then it would be much faster.

You just need to go slowly and carefully - whatever you can manage, and slowly, over the course of months, she'll get a little (only a little) more used to it.

@SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am

DD3 is now 24.
She survived many years of tangled hair that nobody could touch. Eventually she decided to tackle her own hair. Today she straightened it as she fancied a change from the usual curls.

There are lots of things you think simply must be done when you're in the parenting trenches, but honestly, tangles, mattes, and even dreadlocks never killed anyone.

Otoh, holding a child down to do something to her hair that she doesn't want done is in fundamental opposition to the idea that girls (or boys for that matter) don't have to allow anyone to do things to them that they don't want.

Choose your battles. I don't think making such a fuss about appearance is wise, especially when the struggle involves coercion.

If you can put it in a pony tail and brush the tail. Hold the tail in one hand and the brush in the other so you are not touching her scalp.

If it is matted then use conditioner on her dry hair.

Get a very soft brush and let her brush to the pony tail, it doesn't need to be down to the scalp, it can just be over the top.

Take out the pony tail and pop her in the shower, pour conditioner on her head and let her rub it in as much as she can, again it does not need to go to the scalp.

Use warm water to wash the conditioner out, use a gentle shampoo and then more conditioner.

Avon used to do something called 'cream rinse' it was like a conditioner but you left it in the hair.

Brush through with your fingers, or let her do it. Just let the hair dry naturally.

I swear I can still feel my mum brushing what she called 'lugs' out of my hair.

DD6 is like this and tbh I leave it fairly often.

What does work a bit is brushing in front of a film when she's relaxed and just doing it v v gently. Or else we have a set of hair stuff with a Disney princess on that we were gifted, I'm sure the detangling spray is just water and scent but she'll let me brush more if we use it first.

Does she have any sensory issues or any other ďemand avoidance or is it just hair ?

Then a nice short pixie it'll have to be.

I don't have the issue with hair I do have the issue with tooth brushing. He just hates it and screams but it needs done. I can't not do it. I do have water ready for after it.

If its taking hours to brush her hair I'd suggest short hair and do a 10 min session twice a day doing different sections of it.

Tell her if she doesn’t brush her hair it has to be cut short.

My dd has loads of sensory stuff going on and some days she just won't brush it. I think you can either go two ways.
1.) brush it every day and make it a non negotiable like teethbrushing. My mum did this and eventually I got used to this (I have thick, wavy, frizzy hair). I am neurotypical though.
2.) decide which days you want to have that battle and the other days just leave it. My daughter hates school and so there's some days that she will already be on the edge and I decide that a battle over hair is just not worth it that day. She even declined to go to legoland once because I wanted to brush her hair so it's not a diversionary tactic!
Easier if you have a diagnosis but a lot of these tips won't work if your daughter is ND. With my daughter the short term nice stuff, iPads, special spray, biscuit, is not enough to be able to tolerate the excruciating feeling of having your hair brushed. Reward charts don't work as it's too long before the gratification part and she isn't motivated by stuff.
If I give her time (which I don't always have) she will come back with her brush and let me do it or do it on her own. She knows she needs to do it but it's her own aversion to being touched which makes her fight it sometimes. It does seem like she's being tortured, god knows what the neighbours think!

You could stop brushing it with a brush and just detangle it in the shower/bath with your fingers. Then leave a bit of conditioner in and plait it till the next time she needs it washed.

My daughter was like this at that age, we couldn’t go near her with a brush.
I had it cut into a pixie cut and she is 9 now and fine with brushing her hair.
I think what helped was how minimal brushing a pixie cut needed versus the time it took to grow, got her used to brushing it, with no knots when we started right back at the beginning.

Nobody's hair 'needs' to be brushed.
That just isn't true. Or it isn't true if you don't want matted hair. Maybe fine hair doesn't need to be brushed but there are plenty of types of hair that do need to be brushed.

And quite honestly the last thing you want when you have a mixed race child is them walking round with matted hair. There is enough hair judgement when hair is cared for properly within adding in some extra.

Have you explained to her that if it's short then it won't get knotted and hurt when she brushes it?

I was in this situation years ago with my oldest as I didn't know how to care for her hair properly and so it got worse and worse. I had to make a very deliberate decision that I was going to get it under control. Different brushes, different products until I found what worked.

Yes not to that extent but both my dc hate their hair being brushed. I’ve never washed my son’s hair other than getting it wet no products on it. He has multiple SEN including sensory processing which I suspect is the issue for both children re hair.
With my daughter after it’s been washed we put Argon oil in it, leave it to dry and it’s very easy to brush the next day

I did this for a child with very sensitive feet- wouldn't wear socks or shoes. It desensitises over time. A similar plan might work for heads.
Massaged firmly with lotion,
Played games with toes.
Rolled cars, rollers, big balls, small balls.
Walked on sand, different surfaces etc.
Stroked, massaged, rubbed, wiggled etc
So for heads- massage with conditioner, stroke, play with hair, brush ends, count to ten while brushing and then stop- extend the counting gradually, sing a song while brushing and stop as soon as the song ends, have a brush each, dd brush dolls hair and role play while you brush hers, reward chart, build up trust, be firm and calm. Massage while washing- dd choose shampoo and conditioner just for her, new brush/ comb...
Good luck.

My niece has always been a brush refuser. She's now 12. Our hairdresser said her hair is matted and she cries when it gets brushed before a cut. My sister is too soft with her.

How long is your daughters hair?

If it's below shoulder length, you could try cutting it straight across when she is asleep (it won't be completely straight, but you can get the bulk of the length off which would make it easier).

I had the sort of hair that snarls into a mat within days if not brushed as a child & it was really painful when anyone else tried to brush it.

I found the detangler sprays just didn't do enough, but a heavy conditioner left on for a while (the sort they sell as a treatment, not the everyday ones) once a week really helped to get moisture into my hair & then one of those oil spray things that are supposed to make your hair glossy.
I found I could finger comb out snarls as the oil made my hair slippery even when dry - although it did mean I had to wash my hair more often as it would quickly go from shiny to greasy looking.

My hair is still like that.
Sleeping on a silk pillowcase also makes a massive difference to how tangled my hair gets in the night.
It won't clear snarls that are already there, but it will massively slow down how fast they develop.

serum, not spray.