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Original poster

Told that I’m not pretty

139 replies

Humiliatedandconfused · 26/12/2022 23:47

Changed username because I don’t want this thread seen by a family member (my side) who is on MN.

We’ve seen a lot of family over the last few days, who hasn’t, it’s Christmas. I thought we’d had a lovely few days, until this evening.

Both DH and I are 43. DH’s brother, my BIL is 40, and he brought his new GF over for the first time. GF is 22 and seemed very nice at first.

I just want to say at this point that I’ve never been keen on DBil, he’s a bit of a show off and when he’s over to see DH, I usually go have a bath and a read upstairs, staying out of their way.

Anyway, today I have to stay downstairs and be sociable as GF is there.

In front of all of us, plus DH’s auntie she says “well, you’re not as pretty as I expected you’d be…oh sorry, I don’t mean it like that (giggle) it’s just that I got told that you looked like (a particular celebrity) and I really don’t think you do.”

One, I have never told anyone that I am pretty and two, I have never compared myself to a celebrity. In any case, I’d agree, I don’t think I look like this person either. I’m just me. 43 year old, slightly podgy me.

It took me by surprise and I felt so embarrassed and belittled in front of my husband. He didn’t say anything either. Everyone just went quiet. To which she said “awkward”.

I finally responded with “well, I’m not sure who was having you on, but I’m sorry to disappoint (forced laugh)” And I offered drinks so I could leave the room.

They’ve gone now, but I feel crap about myself and it’s spoiled the last few days. DH says to ignore it, but it’s was just so personal and appearance focused. I even had a quick google of the cost of some Botox and filler.

I’m also feel angry with DH for minimising and making me feel that I’m the one being silly. His attitude is that she’ll likely be gone in a month or two and her opinion isn’t worth listening to, and he’s reassured me that he thinks I’m gorgeous. But it just keeps going through my head. It’s really unfair, because I never claimed to be anything,I’ve never met her before, but yet I feel really crap now.

Im not sure why I’m posting. I’m not going to do anything. I think I just needed to get it off my chest, or perhaps hear that I’m just being over sensitive.

OP posts:
ThatsAboutEnoughOfThat · 27/12/2022 05:57

Mate, really, it isn't you.

She has misunderstood the dynamic and thinks you are competition in some way.

She is a dumb kid, who, when faced with a proper grown up woman, who has her shit together threw out the first thing that came to mind.

Just don't give her head space.

I have no idea what you look like, but I am certain you shouldn't be letting this immature young woman's comment effect your self worth in any way.

Original poster
Humiliatedandconfused · 27/12/2022 08:03

Good morning and thank you everyone.

I think I was taken by surprise yesterday and I interpreted the lack of response from everyone in the room as some sort of confirmation that I was not very attractive. That was really daft of me.

The strange thing is, I’m not usually that egotistical. But I think it hit a nerve and caught me by surprise. I do think my self confidence could probably be a bit better.

On reflection, and having read these responses I remember that looks are (a) subjective anyway, but (b) it’s better not to sound unattractive when you speak.

I’m going to give the GF a pass and forget about it I think. I don’t want to show her it bothered me and she is still very young so it would be unfair to hold it against her.

To answer a few questions, I don’t think BIL has a thing for me, but I do wonder if he does pick young women who are insecure and use this to his advantage. I’m not saying he does…but it’s possible. He certainly thinks he’s a stud.

MiL thinks I’m absolutely gorgeous which is so sweet. I can be covered in flour and have my hair in a knot on top of my head, and be wearing my discoloured dressing gown and she’ll still say “you look lovely!” When clearly I don’t 😂 She’s as nutty as a fruitcake in the nicest way possible and it’s wonderful that she sees me as a beautiful person, as I do her.

These responses cheered me up, made me laugh and reminded me not to take things so seriously. I’ve woken up this morning feeling bright and cheerful. I’m not going to mention it anymore to DH. On with the day! I’ve got a day off work and I’m getting rid of the Christmas chocolate 😋

OP posts:
Happyhappyeveryday · 27/12/2022 08:12

She’s immature and one of these awful women who feels she must put others down in order to feel good about herself. Your BIL must’ve spoken glowingly about you and she felt a bit miffed. I had a similar one many years ago, when, after I’d been asked to take some hairdresser publicity photos, a flatmate’s gf (also around 22) said. ‘Why would anyone want to take photos of you?’ I think it was because she knew how well we got on and felt threatened. Or maybe she was just nasty and a bit thick!

MeinKraft · 27/12/2022 08:29

I mean it's pretty clear BIL has been raving to her about how lovely you are and she's pre prepared a little dig because she's been feeling jealous.

fghj149 · 27/12/2022 08:34

Who on earth behaves like that? She may say that she thinks that op, but she’s jealous of something about you surely if she’s going to be that much of a dickhead? Unbelievable!!

Catslovepies · 27/12/2022 08:38

What she said was absolutely awful. I'd be hurt too and don't think you overreacted.

My sister's new boyfriend came to our Christmas party and the first thing he said to me was "wow, I wouldn't have recognised you, you don't look AT ALL like your photos." I took an immediate dislike to him for it and what he said isn't anywhere near as bad as your situation.

Greenfairydust · 27/12/2022 08:46

A few thoughts:

  • a 40 year old who only wants to date women in their early 20s is creepy
  • she sounds like she is either completely dumb and shallow or somehow she was intimidated by you and said something nasty to maker herself feel better
  • I would simply stop inviting your BIL and his inappropriately young girlfriends from now on.
  • Everyone in the room was likely shocked by how stupid she sounded but tried to be polite and ignore her rather than make a big deal out of it.

Put this out of your mind, this is not about how you look, it is all about that silly girl being a fool or a nasty piece of work. Either way don't have anything more to do with her, she is not worth you wasting your time or getting upset.

hugefanofcheese · 27/12/2022 08:58

You sound like a woman with a boatload of class and kindness. One day I suspect that madam will find herself mortified looking back at this.

Enjoy the chocolate!

2bazookas · 27/12/2022 09:00

Send her a venomous note.

hopsalong · 27/12/2022 09:19

Sounds to me as if dear BIL fancies you.

Think you're focusing on the wrong weirdness here. Who told her that you were very pretty and looked like (whichever) celebrity? Why did they say that? What she said was rude and undoubtedly untrue, but seems to have come from a position of insecurity, i.e. she had been anxious about meeting you because you had been so built up in her mind.

GeneticallyModifiedGrump · 27/12/2022 09:40

I may be missing the point of the thread but.. .at 22 I had my own home and was pregnant (planned) with a man almost 16 years my senior. The child is now 16 and has a 12 year old sister. I am sat next to the much older man as we are now married.
I appreciate people are trying to comfort the OP but can we not do that without slating and entire generation of women?
This particular 22 year old is socially inept and immature but plenty (most) are well aware that insulting your host is not acceptable.
I hope you feel better OP, your mother in law sounds absolutely lovely!!!

Beamur · 27/12/2022 09:47

Lovely update OP. That's what maturity and self reflection looks like. That's what your MIL sees too I suspect.

Muu · 27/12/2022 09:48

you dealt with it really well

some 22 year olds are very immature and more like kids. Most aren’t (see posters above who had their lives together by then) but some people do grow up late.

MerryChristmasTree · 27/12/2022 09:54

I think I would have looked at her in the eye and said ‘What a strange thing to say to someone you’ve just met’.

MichaelFabricantWig · 27/12/2022 09:57

What a daft bint. Of course the best response would have been something like “you don’t have as nice a personality as I expected “ but you never think about these things at the time!

Iwanttoslowdown · 27/12/2022 10:00

I note that you have told us a lot that MIL says your beautiful and that’s lovely - and your OH? Does he?

piper678 · 27/12/2022 10:00

Sounds like she is very insecure mixed in with social awkwardness. The fact she is dating someone 20 years older shows her insecurity. I bet she was nervous meeting the family and so stepped her foot in it. Don't be embarrassed about other people hearing the exchange, it only made her look terrible. She is probably feeling very embarrassed now and if not, she will in time. On the plus side, someone has clearly been complimenting you behind your back so that means more than her idiocy

UWhatNow · 27/12/2022 10:07

“Probably just MiL. She always says I look nice. But she’s slightly mad.”

Sigh…

off the point I know, but MILs really can’t get a break on MN can they?

JennyForeigner · 27/12/2022 10:10

I haven't found a better response to a total bitch comment than (calmly) 'what an... (long pause) unusual thing to say'

It wouldn't win any Dorothy Parker awards but can always be there ready for that paralysing moment. And then the old MN ask them to explain themselves. At length. With dignified puzzlement.

HiyaCaath · 27/12/2022 10:16

it is really nerve wracking sometimes being the non family member in the situations, I can imagine it’d be easy to drop a clanger if you were nervous, what was she like the rest of the day.evening? My sister used to say stuff like this to me though and it bloody hurts I know.

Bananarama21 · 27/12/2022 10:21

Jesus if someone said that to me my dh would have went nuclear and literally destroyed her with words then asked her to leave. She would have never belittled anyone again.

Original poster
Humiliatedandconfused · 27/12/2022 11:19

Iwanttoslowdown · 27/12/2022 10:00

I note that you have told us a lot that MIL says your beautiful and that’s lovely - and your OH? Does he?

I’m fairness he does. He’s very affectionate and does pay me compliments. Not 24/7 of course, but when it matters. I think the problem is that I don’t always believe the compliments, but clearly I myself have some self esteem issues to work on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Humiliatedandconfused · 27/12/2022 11:24

UWhatNow · 27/12/2022 10:07

“Probably just MiL. She always says I look nice. But she’s slightly mad.”

Sigh…

off the point I know, but MILs really can’t get a break on MN can they?

Oh please don’t take that as me insulting Mil. We all affectionately say that ‘she’s as mad as a box of frogs’ and she delights in this. We also tell her what a wonderful, lovely, accepting person she is. She’s had a lot of trauma in her life, but still has time for people. She sees the beauty in absolutely everyone and she’s tremendous fun to be around. I always joke that MiL was my real catch.

OP posts:
Original poster
Humiliatedandconfused · 27/12/2022 11:40

Bananarama21 · 27/12/2022 10:21

Jesus if someone said that to me my dh would have went nuclear and literally destroyed her with words then asked her to leave. She would have never belittled anyone again.

I think at the time I felt so shocked and upset, that’s what I sort-of hoped…that he’d tell her off.

But now that I’ve cooled down, I’m glad he didn’t. Because right now I’m less worried about what was said to me and more concerned that this young woman felt so insecure that she needed to say this…or so uncomfortable in my home perhaps.

Again, to respond to some questions generically…

Prior to the comment she was extremely polite and bubbly. Very nice. She declined alcohol initially, but later had a very small glass of wine as she was driving, so BIL could drink. She seemed very responsible in that respect.

The comment came fairly early into the evening, unsurprisingly if she was feeling awkward, with new people around.

As the night went on, she grew more confident and was joking, although I wasn’t brought up again. Plus, I spent a lot of time ‘preparing drinks and snacks’ in the kitchen as I just couldn’t raise my mood enough to hang about.

DH’s auntie did pop out at one point to give me a reassuring pat on the shoulder. I think she probably would have said something afterwards to me, but she had a lift home with them.

I really can’t think of anything else that stood out. I think we have a combination of me who is dealing with a bit of aging self esteem (silly) and this young woman dealing with her own self esteem and being thrown into a room with people she doesn’t know. Yes she was rude, but I’m not going to hold it against her now.

The chocolate is going well!!! But I do feel a bit sick. Going to take a coffee break 😁

OP posts:
NashvilleQueen · 27/12/2022 11:51

Did she really say the first bit? That you're not as pretty as she expected? Because it's so off the scale rude that I almost can't believe it happened. Assuming you've no reason to make it up then I'd (a) make it clear she's not welcome again and (b) take a long hard look at your husband who hasn't done anything to make clear how unacceptable was either at the time or subsequently.