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Original poster

Told that I’m not pretty

139 replies

Humiliatedandconfused · 26/12/2022 23:47

Changed username because I don’t want this thread seen by a family member (my side) who is on MN.

We’ve seen a lot of family over the last few days, who hasn’t, it’s Christmas. I thought we’d had a lovely few days, until this evening.

Both DH and I are 43. DH’s brother, my BIL is 40, and he brought his new GF over for the first time. GF is 22 and seemed very nice at first.

I just want to say at this point that I’ve never been keen on DBil, he’s a bit of a show off and when he’s over to see DH, I usually go have a bath and a read upstairs, staying out of their way.

Anyway, today I have to stay downstairs and be sociable as GF is there.

In front of all of us, plus DH’s auntie she says “well, you’re not as pretty as I expected you’d be…oh sorry, I don’t mean it like that (giggle) it’s just that I got told that you looked like (a particular celebrity) and I really don’t think you do.”

One, I have never told anyone that I am pretty and two, I have never compared myself to a celebrity. In any case, I’d agree, I don’t think I look like this person either. I’m just me. 43 year old, slightly podgy me.

It took me by surprise and I felt so embarrassed and belittled in front of my husband. He didn’t say anything either. Everyone just went quiet. To which she said “awkward”.

I finally responded with “well, I’m not sure who was having you on, but I’m sorry to disappoint (forced laugh)” And I offered drinks so I could leave the room.

They’ve gone now, but I feel crap about myself and it’s spoiled the last few days. DH says to ignore it, but it’s was just so personal and appearance focused. I even had a quick google of the cost of some Botox and filler.

I’m also feel angry with DH for minimising and making me feel that I’m the one being silly. His attitude is that she’ll likely be gone in a month or two and her opinion isn’t worth listening to, and he’s reassured me that he thinks I’m gorgeous. But it just keeps going through my head. It’s really unfair, because I never claimed to be anything,I’ve never met her before, but yet I feel really crap now.

Im not sure why I’m posting. I’m not going to do anything. I think I just needed to get it off my chest, or perhaps hear that I’m just being over sensitive.

OP posts:
Hellno44 · 27/12/2022 00:54

Fuck her. She's 22. Instead of watching you she needs to watch herself. Who knows what she'll look like in 20 years. I'm sure your perfect as you are. It was a dumb, nasty thing to say but try not to take it to heart.

Original poster
Humiliatedandconfused · 27/12/2022 00:54

Thank you everyone. I realise that this is a BIL problem and not a me problem. I’m glad I posted and reading the responses has made me have a real rethink and I’m feeling less offended, and I’ve always had the ick about BIL anyway, but I feel it more so tonight than ever.

Im definitely not gorgeous, but I appreciate the build up - and I don’t have to be gorgeous. I’m 43 and a kind and welcoming person and that’s good enough.

OP posts:
Downunderduchess · 27/12/2022 00:57

Humiliatedandconfused · 27/12/2022 00:26

I need to be this assertive.

Show quote history

It gets easier with age! I’m over 50 and getting more assertive with each year.

oakleaffy · 27/12/2022 01:14

livingfarfromfamily · 27/12/2022 00:00

That’s so rude, I’m embarrassed for her. She made herself look ridiculous. I’d be hurt in your shoes too but try not to let it bother you if you can. She probably thought she was being funny and realised too late that she wasn’t.

I said some pretty stupid things when I was 22 as well, although hopefully nothing as stupid as that.

Same here....in later years {40} I wrote a letter to my in laws to apologise!
I thought I knew it all at 22..but it was about politics, not looks.

Even so, it would have come across as arrogant and extremely annoying.

Dear In laws took accepted my apology.

Dello · 27/12/2022 01:15

I think you handled it well. It could still be hurtful though. I remember a beautician said something rude to me a few years ago and I’m not sure I’m fully over it! I also don’t know why I paid any attention to her.

I know you hoped your DH would intervene or sympathise but it is also telling (in a nice way) that he really puts so little store in what she said.

PinkButtercups · 27/12/2022 01:19

Nah, she's a nasty bitch.

She's one of those people who are an absolute cunt and try to pass it off as a joke.

Hellno44 · 27/12/2022 01:24

Humiliatedandconfused · 27/12/2022 00:54

Thank you everyone. I realise that this is a BIL problem and not a me problem. I’m glad I posted and reading the responses has made me have a real rethink and I’m feeling less offended, and I’ve always had the ick about BIL anyway, but I feel it more so tonight than ever.

Im definitely not gorgeous, but I appreciate the build up - and I don’t have to be gorgeous. I’m 43 and a kind and welcoming person and that’s good enough.

But that IS gorgeous. You can be aesthetically pleasing and an ugly person with an ugly heart. There's a lot of focus on looking a certain way now but being a nice human is more important than all that shit.

If your a kind person your heart will shine through. Also, don't put yourself down. We all have things we don't like about ourselves but I've come to appreciate that my flaws including my fat arse, stretch makes and sometimes 4oclock shadow are just a part of me if anyone doesn't like them they don't need to look and can fuck off.

KloppsTeeth · 27/12/2022 01:25

i had very similar when I met my teenage niece (sister in law to be’s child). She told me that whilst I wasn’t pretty like his last girlfriend, everyone was pleased that he had found someone who appreciated him.

It stung. For a long time.

She’s clearly a shallow person, just like my niece. Sad for them.

mackthepony · 27/12/2022 01:26

Well, I'd say that she intended to push your buttons and she has done.

Don't give her the time of day

butterfliedtwo · 27/12/2022 01:32

Listen to your husband.

Ignore BILs latest.

Beamur · 27/12/2022 01:34

You didn't come out badly in that exchange.
GF however, did. She has been rude and incredibly immature - says more about her own values than your appearance.
I wouldn't give her opinion any headspace. Forewarned in case you meet her again! She won't get the chance to ambush you twice..

OriginalUsername2 · 27/12/2022 01:37

It’s not you, it’s her! She has no manners or tact and sounds like a teenager.

Rainbowshit · 27/12/2022 01:41

She's 22, I remember when I was 22 thinking 30 year olds were ancient?!?!

She's obviously been told you are pretty, so I would try and focus on that.

How icky that your 41 year old BIL is going out with a someone in their 20s. I'd be feeling quite sorry for her if I were you.

Rainbowshit · 27/12/2022 01:42

KloppsTeeth · 27/12/2022 01:25

i had very similar when I met my teenage niece (sister in law to be’s child). She told me that whilst I wasn’t pretty like his last girlfriend, everyone was pleased that he had found someone who appreciated him.

It stung. For a long time.

She’s clearly a shallow person, just like my niece. Sad for them.

Ouch. 😞

RobertsRadio · 27/12/2022 01:42

Op you should have used the old Mumsnet Classic,
"Did you mean to be so rude" said with tinkly laugh and head tilt.

Onnabugeisha · 27/12/2022 01:42

I wouldn’t be offended. She realised she’d put her foot in her mouth and then tried to dig herself out by saying sorry and it was about looking like a celebrity.

Sounds pretty socially awkward.

Rainbowshit · 27/12/2022 01:53

MadMadMadamMim · 27/12/2022 00:00

I'd have DH text his brother to say "Your new gf is so incredibly immature and rude that she's not welcome here again. Perhaps you could try dating adult women in the future? Or at least ones with a modicum of manners so that they are fit to bring along as guests. She was bitchy to @Humiliatedandconfused who was her host and you owe us an apology. Don't bring her back again."

That's what a DH who had your back would do. His BIL should be apologetic. And stop inflicting a series of silly creatures on his family.

Oh god don't do this. Don't let her know she's got to you.

SomeChickensAreJustTooBig · 27/12/2022 01:55

livingfarfromfamily · 27/12/2022 00:00

That’s so rude, I’m embarrassed for her. She made herself look ridiculous. I’d be hurt in your shoes too but try not to let it bother you if you can. She probably thought she was being funny and realised too late that she wasn’t.

I said some pretty stupid things when I was 22 as well, although hopefully nothing as stupid as that.

I agree with this - lovely, compassionate and realistic advice.

OP do not allow yourself to be upset by this young person’s stupid comment. If anyone should be upset it’s her. Hopefully she will reflect and learn from it.

sweetdreamtennasee · 27/12/2022 01:57

the only people that need to feel embarrassed are her, because who would actually say that? terrible social skills, and your bil, for having an awful judge of character. (seriously how are men not embarrassed to date almost 20 years junior, it’s such a cliche..)

As others have mentioned your husband was probably also in shock, don’t let her comment cause a rift between you. It sounded like you dealt with it in a very classy way. Sorry you didn’t get to have the bitch sesh you needed from your DH, hope this thread comforts you.

ThrowAwayOne · 27/12/2022 02:00

Oh how rude of her! But it definitely sounds as though BIL or MIL have been saying you're a looker, maybe it's been BIL and she's pissed so decided to 'bring you down a peg or two' by embarrasing you even though it wasn't your fault. I'd just ignore it, it's more a reflection on her, not you.

When I first met FIL one of the first thing he said was 'wow you're not as good looking as they've made out'. Which was lovely. He's a prick who always tries to put people down so it annoyed me for an hour or so and that was it.

Thingiemajig · 27/12/2022 02:05

beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so everyone finds different people attractive (thankfully)

However this sounds like either a nasty intentional put down or a socially awkward person. either way this is her issue and not yours.

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/12/2022 02:10

I bet you’re gorgeous and I bet you looked beautiful that evening. Nasty little daddy-issues girl probably felt rattled by your poise and warmth and felt she needed to put you down.

Your response to her was dignified (although I wish everyone had laid into her for her rudeness and stupidity, of course!).

Your H needs to know that you need more from him around this - he needs to stick up for you in situations like that.

And ultimately your value as a good person who would never choose to be malicious to another person to counteract your own insecurities is gold. Pearls before swine OP.

HotChoxs · 27/12/2022 02:12

I always look at the sub-communication in every situation.

In this one it's simply a person communicating to you that they are messed up.

HotChoxs · 27/12/2022 02:16

MadMadMadamMim · 27/12/2022 00:00

I'd have DH text his brother to say "Your new gf is so incredibly immature and rude that she's not welcome here again. Perhaps you could try dating adult women in the future? Or at least ones with a modicum of manners so that they are fit to bring along as guests. She was bitchy to @Humiliatedandconfused who was her host and you owe us an apology. Don't bring her back again."

That's what a DH who had your back would do. His BIL should be apologetic. And stop inflicting a series of silly creatures on his family.

Nah that's simply a waste of energy. Just avoid them.

OooScotland · 27/12/2022 02:21

Your H is right, this gf isn’t worth space in your head, she’s obviously just silly. And you handled it amazingly, your social skills are top notch. Can you teach me?!

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