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Original poster

Told that I’m not pretty

139 replies

Humiliatedandconfused · 26/12/2022 23:47

Changed username because I don’t want this thread seen by a family member (my side) who is on MN.

We’ve seen a lot of family over the last few days, who hasn’t, it’s Christmas. I thought we’d had a lovely few days, until this evening.

Both DH and I are 43. DH’s brother, my BIL is 40, and he brought his new GF over for the first time. GF is 22 and seemed very nice at first.

I just want to say at this point that I’ve never been keen on DBil, he’s a bit of a show off and when he’s over to see DH, I usually go have a bath and a read upstairs, staying out of their way.

Anyway, today I have to stay downstairs and be sociable as GF is there.

In front of all of us, plus DH’s auntie she says “well, you’re not as pretty as I expected you’d be…oh sorry, I don’t mean it like that (giggle) it’s just that I got told that you looked like (a particular celebrity) and I really don’t think you do.”

One, I have never told anyone that I am pretty and two, I have never compared myself to a celebrity. In any case, I’d agree, I don’t think I look like this person either. I’m just me. 43 year old, slightly podgy me.

It took me by surprise and I felt so embarrassed and belittled in front of my husband. He didn’t say anything either. Everyone just went quiet. To which she said “awkward”.

I finally responded with “well, I’m not sure who was having you on, but I’m sorry to disappoint (forced laugh)” And I offered drinks so I could leave the room.

They’ve gone now, but I feel crap about myself and it’s spoiled the last few days. DH says to ignore it, but it’s was just so personal and appearance focused. I even had a quick google of the cost of some Botox and filler.

I’m also feel angry with DH for minimising and making me feel that I’m the one being silly. His attitude is that she’ll likely be gone in a month or two and her opinion isn’t worth listening to, and he’s reassured me that he thinks I’m gorgeous. But it just keeps going through my head. It’s really unfair, because I never claimed to be anything,I’ve never met her before, but yet I feel really crap now.

Im not sure why I’m posting. I’m not going to do anything. I think I just needed to get it off my chest, or perhaps hear that I’m just being over sensitive.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2022 00:10

Humiliatedandconfused · 27/12/2022 00:06

I would have appreciated that at least.

Show quote history

You need a female friend for that, not your DH. Who was the celebrity anyway?

Original poster
Humiliatedandconfused · 27/12/2022 00:12

Thanks everyone. I’m laying here stewing over it, but I’m going to try to put it out of my mind.

I also reminded myself that BIL is 41, not 40…he’s just had his birthday. The GF thing is a bit weird, I just got the earlier Leo DiCaprio reference too 😂Sorry! I was preoccupied.

I doubt GF is jealous. Im 21 years her senior.
I think the manipulation suggestion a few posts back could be a possibility though, so perhaps she was just taking something out on me.

We aren’t going to get in touch with them. Im going to just move on. I won’t have Botox…for now.

Thanks all for listening and validating my feelings xx

OP posts:
PenelopeStrawberry1 · 27/12/2022 00:15

She sounds nasty in a Phoebe from Friends 'I pretend to be ditzy so I can make nasty comments and get away with it' way!

I'd have said 'Oh! Ouch!' When she said it and then gone silent and/or changed the subject.

Original poster
Humiliatedandconfused · 27/12/2022 00:16

Well, I don’t look like anyone. About 20 years ago I used to get told I looked like Mariah Carey. I probably look like her mum now.

OP posts:
Beercrispsandnuts · 27/12/2022 00:16

Oh op. She’s 22 and was being jealous and bitchy, where’s your self esteem, that one comment from her has sent you spiralling like this, why do you care so much about her comment?

Mardyface · 27/12/2022 00:17

Of course she's jealous. Presumably you are (in fact) beautiful, seem secure in yourself, and just have a much better knowledge of how up conduct yourself than any 22 yr old. Her age doesn't make her superior, far from it.

I too am surprised you're giving this a second thought - what she sais was not just rude but clumsy and gauche and exposed her for the child she basically is! Almost comical really. Sorry she upset you though, the silly madam.

Original poster
Humiliatedandconfused · 27/12/2022 00:17

Beercrispsandnuts · 27/12/2022 00:16

Oh op. She’s 22 and was being jealous and bitchy, where’s your self esteem, that one comment from her has sent you spiralling like this, why do you care so much about her comment?

I think she perhaps hit a nerve because I’ve noticed my age myself recently. It was also just a bit embarrassing in front of people to be criticised. But you’re right, I should have better self esteem than that.

OP posts:
ODFOx · 27/12/2022 00:18

So, your BiL's girlfriend who is a generation younger than you all has been primed to be so insecure about meeting you that she felt she should/could/had to put you down on first meeting? Is your BIL carrying a torch for you or has yourMiL felt the need to extol your fabulousness?
I'm sorry you are feeling bad OP but I think that the GF was speaking from a place of crippling insecurity. It's the most solid compliment to you that the family have given her such high expectations that she's felt that she had to tear you down for her own self worth.
You must be much loved and admired. X

Worklessplaymore · 27/12/2022 00:18

Op I don’t want to diminish what she said bc it was a horribly rude thing to say to anyone never mind your host, but I think you are imbuing her opinion with far too much validity. In order to respect someone’s opinion, don’t you have to respect them as a person? And she’s obviously young and fairly obnoxious!

Why on earth would you believe someone like that over your dh?

She should be the one feeling dreadful, not you. And btw I think you handled the situation very well indeed. Her “awkward” comment shows how immature she is. Remember that young adult brains don’t stop forming until they are about 25 years old!

Btw I don’t think she necessarily meant that you were comparing yourself to a celebrity, I assume it was your bil who did that! She sounds as though she was a bit apprehensive about meeting you if anything!

Original poster
Humiliatedandconfused · 27/12/2022 00:19

Mardyface · 27/12/2022 00:17

Of course she's jealous. Presumably you are (in fact) beautiful, seem secure in yourself, and just have a much better knowledge of how up conduct yourself than any 22 yr old. Her age doesn't make her superior, far from it.

I too am surprised you're giving this a second thought - what she sais was not just rude but clumsy and gauche and exposed her for the child she basically is! Almost comical really. Sorry she upset you though, the silly madam.

Thank you. Are you my MIL?? 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Humiliatedandconfused · 27/12/2022 00:21

I think the idea that she was feeling insecure and possibly has been made to feel that way purposely, seems possible and quite sad. I hope that isn’t the case, but it’s definitely making me consider what’s been said in a different light.

OP posts:
Mardyface · 27/12/2022 00:23

Humiliatedandconfused · 27/12/2022 00:19

Thank you. Are you my MIL?? 😂

Show quote history

Ha! Definitely not!

Downunderduchess · 27/12/2022 00:23

Honestly these days as soon as someone says something to me that is deliberately hurtful or mean, I automatically say very loudly RUDE! It’s then back on them to either explain or double down. Most people usually fumble an excuse/apology/attempt to explain. It’s on them, it’s their embarrassment not mine or yours.

Original poster
Humiliatedandconfused · 27/12/2022 00:25

Mardyface · 27/12/2022 00:23

Ha! Definitely not!

Show quote history

Well, I appreciate your post. Thank you for making me look at this a bit more objectively and for your kind words.
Same for all the other posts. I feel like my head is clearing a little bit and I hope the GF finds someone who will build her up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Humiliatedandconfused · 27/12/2022 00:26

Downunderduchess · 27/12/2022 00:23

Honestly these days as soon as someone says something to me that is deliberately hurtful or mean, I automatically say very loudly RUDE! It’s then back on them to either explain or double down. Most people usually fumble an excuse/apology/attempt to explain. It’s on them, it’s their embarrassment not mine or yours.

I need to be this assertive.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 27/12/2022 00:29

Humiliatedandconfused · 27/12/2022 00:21

I think the idea that she was feeling insecure and possibly has been made to feel that way purposely, seems possible and quite sad. I hope that isn’t the case, but it’s definitely making me consider what’s been said in a different light.

Well if she's dating some bloke old enough to be her father of COURSE she's insecure. And she was put in a social situation she wasn't equipped for. By your creepy BIL. Yuk, BTW.

The wonderful thing about getter older is what you lose in glossy tautness you make up for in wisdom, knowledge and hopefully kindness. Maybe turn some of that on her. Who cares what she thinks of you? I'd be sad that she thinks so little of herself.

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/12/2022 00:29

She’s a moron and she meant to be nasty, to make her feel better about whatever her insecurities are (and if she’s dating a 40 year old they will be significant.)

Don’t allow her to score a victory over you. Dismiss her as the post adolescent saddo she is.

Oher · 27/12/2022 00:32

She’s definitely trying to compete with you, she’s insecure and nasty and it inflates her ego putting other women down. She saw you as a threat in that you might take make attention away from her, so it’s a weird kind of compliment.

Well done for being so polite. Hopefully you won’t need to meet her again.

Not so well done for googling botox etc! Don’t be so insecure. Just laugh at her pathetic attempt to competenwith you and move on.

If you ever get insulted to the face like this by anyone again, just pause, stare at them, and say “Oh wow, how rude.” Then move on. And definitely don’t offer them a drink.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 27/12/2022 00:33

Sorry but why are you giving any air time to a 22 year old stupid enough to be dating a 41 year old?

She's already proven her judgement and assessment of situations is piss poor.

holierthanthou73 · 27/12/2022 00:35

I think I would’ve looked at my watch and said oh I think it’s past your bedtime, goodbye

MakeMineADouble81 · 27/12/2022 00:43

She is jealous of you. Members of the family, probably BIL included, have been saying nice things about you and she's jealous. I wouldn't give it any air space but I would keep her at arms length going forward.

HamBone · 27/12/2022 00:44

Azandme · 27/12/2022 00:05

"The only reason it's awkward is because people are stunned that you are so lacking in social skills. Drink?"

Perfect response, @Azandme.

As PP’s have said, OP, she’s insecure and probably jealous of your self possession.

Your BIL is icky going after such young, immature women. Even when he breaks up with this one, I’d steer well clear.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 27/12/2022 00:44

Downunderduchess · 27/12/2022 00:23

Honestly these days as soon as someone says something to me that is deliberately hurtful or mean, I automatically say very loudly RUDE! It’s then back on them to either explain or double down. Most people usually fumble an excuse/apology/attempt to explain. It’s on them, it’s their embarrassment not mine or yours.

^This. Rudeness like this is best dealt with directly in the moment. Maybe something like “ that’s quite a rude comment. Didn’t your mummy teach you manners”. Otherwise feelings do foster and it’s not very easy to address little comments like this after the fact.

I can see why you’re upset, but like everyone else I think it shows an insecurity In her. I’d probably be a bit annoyed no one said anything in the moment too. That’s just so rude.

Fraaahnces · 27/12/2022 00:47

I don’t know how you didn’t eyeroll when he brought her over and say “Still hanging around kindergartens then, BIL?”
Meanwhile, on the Mariah Carey front… without all the heavily filtered camera work and lighting, surgery, fillers and Botox, SHE probably looks like Mariah Carey’s mother right now.
I bet you ARE bloody gorgeous.

Miss03852 · 27/12/2022 00:52

Just ignore her. A normal, happy person doesn’t make a comment like that. If she ever is rude to you again make some passive aggressive “jokes” of your own about why she’s with a man old enough to be her Dad, is she after his money and house etc to embarrass her back

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