My beloved mum died but I’m ashamed that I feel OK.

[GalwayShawl]

We buried our lovely mum on Monday. She died three weeks ago so there was a long time waiting.

She was so sick and lived with us for six months, in and out of hospital culminating in open heart surgery from which we never fully woke. I could see her deteriorating day by day from July to December. I literally did nothing but care for her for months - all the parenting I left to
my husband.

I am far better than I thought I would be possibly because it was my entire life for
Months and I think I got used to it? But we were so close and this has been something I’ve dreaded my whole life - why am I so calm? I feel ashamed.

But also she went blind through a stroke and developed dementia quite suddenly so I feel like I’ve been missing her for most of this year. I don’t know if I’ve come to terms with it because if the traumatic and desperate nature of her death or because I’m aware that had she lived, it wouldn’t have been a life worth living for her.

A bit teary at times and flashbacks to ICU but other than that feel ok, just cracking on.

Im scared that I’ll be hit by a huge tsunami of grief but at the moment feel totally capable and grateful that she’s no longer suffering. She and I have been released from a devastating situation.

I am looking forward to the new year. I feel so inappropriate. Looking forward to getting my life back.

is it possible I’ve done the sharpest part of grief. We we’re so close yet I just feel that she’s within me and always with me and I feel broadly fine. I know she’s here and I feel strong. Am I in shock??

I had a similar experience, nearly twenty years ago now. Mum and I were very close but her health declined suddenly and she made it clear that she was ready to go. I obviously felt sad but also curiously calm, as she lived to a good age and was no longer suffering. People kept telling me that the grief would hit me hard at some stage but it honestly never did - I would have hated to see her going on suffering.

I'm sorry for your loss

I do think it's "normal" to feel like that, as really you've already grieved for her. And you're now at the stage of relief (for both of you) that she isn't in pain anymore. There's nothing wrong with that.

But also don't be surprised if it does still randomly hit you. That's okay too.

I completely relate.
lost both parents in the last 5 years and in both cases whilst I was obviously very sad and miss them every day, they had no quality of life any more and it was a release for them when they went.

there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you’re feeling. Sometime soon, your memories of your mum won’t just be about her awful last year. You’ll suddenly remember funny little sayings she had, or come across a scarf she chose for you and smile at what a lovely person she was.

take care of yourself

Thanks so much.
I have felt horribly guilty all week.
But she’s completely part of me and we were very similar and both naturally optimistic types, I just feel OK.

I am so glad to hear that not all grief is truly crippling.

💐OP I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is a kaleidoscope of emotions - whatever you're feeling is fine.

Oh, sweetheart, grief is so personal. You are feeling how you are feeling, and you shouldn't be ashamed of it.
I suspect you are right about the history affecting how you are feeling - you've already partially grieved for the Mum you had before she became so ill.
You will also have been busy dealing with everything else that needs to happen following the loss of someone close to you.
Take it easy, see what 2023 brings you. You may get hit by grief, you may already have mainly processed it. There is no predicting the future. Do what is right for you right now 💐

I felt the same when my father died. I miss him but his life was not what he would have wanted in his final year. I said goodbye to him every time I left the nursing home or hospital and never knew if it would be the last time.

I lost my mum earlier this year after a long battle with vascular dementia. It's a very cruel disease which I would wish on nobody.
I cried for the loss of my mum but felt relief that she was finally at peace and no longer distressed, anxious, crying and unable to recognise her loved ones x

I lost my mum earlier in the year and felt the same way.

HERE is my thread - I had such helpful responses.

I still haven’t cried and have never felt the need to. Although I miss her such a lot, I am also relieved for her.

I am sorry for your loss. 🌸

I had absolutely this when my mum died earlier this year. It had been so dreaded and anticipated that I felt like a fraud when I was coping. Nine months on, it's far more up and down. I miss her dreadfully- but not the woman who was so ill with the bastard cancer, but the wonderful living life to the full mum, that she'd always been.

Be kind to yourself. You loved her and you're coping - and that's enough.

But also don't be surprised if it does still randomly hit you. That's okay too

I was coming on here to say this. My mother died after a terminal diagnosis that gave her between 12 weeks and 18 months (it was 10 weeks). I flew out to Australia, attended the funeral, sorted out her stuff, flew back. Told myself it was OK, we'd been expecting it, she had come to terms with it and hadn't been in any pain until a couple of days before she died; only to hit with grief that was actually a physical blow.

I hope you are OK, OP. Whatever you feel and come to feel in the coming weeks and months, be gentle with yourself.

I relate. I'm sorry to hear about your mum.

DH died 3 months ago after a long illness, he spent two months in the hospice, often not really knowing who I was, and was not "right" for a month before that. I'm obviously sad, I have moments where I'm devastated (like yesterday, when I wrote Christmas present labels for the DC) but on a day to day basis, there is a level of normal that we haven't experienced for years and I think that helps...

Whatever you feel is right for you.
I have a friend that lost her very loved husband a couple of years ago. He was diagnosed with a nasty form of cancer one Christmas and died the following one. He lasted longer than was expected but was in so much pain and was barely there. She says she did a lot of her grieving in that year and although it was tough when she lost him she was also so glad he was no longer in pain and that she had lost the who of him quite a while before his body gave up.

Take care of yourself and be very kind to yourself. It’s been such a tough year for you. It’s lovely that you feel her within you.

Please don't feel ashamed, you have lived through anticipatory grief which can make your grieving after her death feel different to how you were expecting to feel. I nursed DH for the last four months of his life but we knew before that, that his cancer was terminal so some of my grieving was done before he died too. In my experience the grief ebbs and flows like the tide but there is never a day I don't think of him and wish his end had been different but I do remember the times when he was the real him too, not just the shell of him that he became.

I don't know OP. There's no right way to do grief.

My DM died in the summer and I was kind of OK and got back to normal after a couple of weeks. In the past few weeks I've not been feeling too great. It almost feels like I've been working gradually backwards through 25 years of her becoming elderly following a stroke, several other illnesses (during which she was fairly independent) and latterly her decline, and now am grieving the mum I lost all those years ago. Friends who have lost parents report (and warned me about) similar stages and delays.

A piece of advice I was given many years ago was "the only thing to do with feelings is feel them", which I think is wise counsel. We can only go with the flow.

I'm sorry for your loss, and for rambling on your thread.

I was the same.
Incredibly close to my mother but the day she died (years of dementia) it was like a weight lifted.
She'd understand. She "left" mentally many years earlier.
However you feel is OK.
Be kind to yourself

PS @Abra1t I think it was you who held my hand on here when I was waiting for the call. I'll never forget that.

I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my dad at the end of September and was just like you until very recently. I’m still not ridiculously sad, my my is quite poorly and I’m caught up in that. But I’ve started to really miss my dad lately. I don’t think Xmas helps, even though he didn’t and I don’t particularly like Xmas!

My mum died a year ago, I've never had the tsunami of grief, just little trickles when least expected.

I cared for my mum for the last 3 years of her life and saw her every single day as her dementia got worse and worse. I was upset when she died but there was also a sense of relief that she was finally back with my dad where she wanted to be and relief that my children could finally come first again.

The best thing about time is that the memories of her before dementia and when she was younger are what I now remember.

my mum, not my my!

A dear friend’s close relative has passed. He was very sick and in a lot of pain, he was 88. She feels relieved.
He passed peacefully. She cared for him a year since diagnosis. She was exhausted and grieving from the moment he was diagnosed with cancer. They had wept and said their goodbyes months ago. He was in and out of consciousness and not making much sense at the end.

Whatever you feel is understandable and personal. It may hit you at a later date, or it may not. It sounded like a long goodbye. I’m so sorry for your loss. 💐

I do think it's "normal" to feel like that, as really you've already grieved for her

DH’s dad died a few years back after a short but terminal illness. We found similar - the shock and grief came with the diagnosis, by the time he died we were all ready for it and so was he. It was a gentler, less ‘wham’ sort of grief then.

I’m sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself x

Oh I know how you feel. My dad died 4 weeks ago, the funeral was last week. I’ve had a cracked voice moment a few times, but not the overwhelming t
grief I though there would be. He’d been not great since August, and at the end of September was in hospital with delirium which he never came out of properly. I’d spent months running myself into the ground, visiting every day, coping with his moods and anger and lack of rational thought and I’d been sobbing in the car on the way home thinking I couldn’t cope any more. It has been a relief, and though I do miss him, I don’t miss the man who was there those last 8 weeks. I feel guilty for that but I know it was for the best. Keeping my mum going now is hard, but more manageable than what went before. I too am looking forward to getting my life back.

I can completely relate to this. My mum was my best friend and my absolute favourite person in the world. She was terminally ill for 6 years and I genuinely didn't think that I would be able to go on when she died 2 years ago (like you I moved her in with us and nursed her) but I was surprisingly ok.

Of course I was devastated when she died and do still have 'waves' of grief which knock me off my feet, but very quickly I was able to cope with my everyday life again which I found extremely shocking (and actually quite guilty for if I'm honest).

My mum died suddenly last week. Pneumonia- suddenly ok then coma then death over a few hours. no funeral too as that’s what she wanted.

i feel ok. Occasional teary, but life life moves on. Feel I need to support my dad, but parents lived over 300 miles away and I need to get back to work. My sister doesn’t work so is there for him.

I thought I would have been a mess. But no, angry but ok. Honestly more bored as I don’t have much to do. II feel more guilty about that

I feel exactly the same. I lost my much loved dad last month. He hadn’t been well for a while but in September it felt like the goalposts had shifted and he went downhill very rapidly. He had always been very active - walking the dog, out doing errands, shopping, going on drives for lunch with my mum, etc. and he was unable to live the quiet, but active, life he loved. His illness had been very traumatic for my mum. It was horrible when he died and he was very loved, but apart from some tearing up at the funeral I have been unable to cry. He hated what his life had become, his pain, and his stress about how his beloved wife was coping. It doesn’t feel like he’s left, it just feels like he’s popped out to get the paper. We’re coping. It’s weird, and we’re sad he’s not with us, but there hasn’t been some sort of Eastenders style outpouring of grief (and he’d have hated that anyway).