My beloved mum died but I’m ashamed that I feel OK.

[GalwayShawl]

We buried our lovely mum on Monday. She died three weeks ago so there was a long time waiting.

She was so sick and lived with us for six months, in and out of hospital culminating in open heart surgery from which we never fully woke. I could see her deteriorating day by day from July to December. I literally did nothing but care for her for months - all the parenting I left to
my husband.

I am far better than I thought I would be possibly because it was my entire life for
Months and I think I got used to it? But we were so close and this has been something I’ve dreaded my whole life - why am I so calm? I feel ashamed.

But also she went blind through a stroke and developed dementia quite suddenly so I feel like I’ve been missing her for most of this year. I don’t know if I’ve come to terms with it because if the traumatic and desperate nature of her death or because I’m aware that had she lived, it wouldn’t have been a life worth living for her.

A bit teary at times and flashbacks to ICU but other than that feel ok, just cracking on.

Im scared that I’ll be hit by a huge tsunami of grief but at the moment feel totally capable and grateful that she’s no longer suffering. She and I have been released from a devastating situation.

I am looking forward to the new year. I feel so inappropriate. Looking forward to getting my life back.

is it possible I’ve done the sharpest part of grief. We we’re so close yet I just feel that she’s within me and always with me and I feel broadly fine. I know she’s here and I feel strong. Am I in shock??

I'm glad that you're coping.. It sounds like the time you had with her prepared you, and gave you the opportunity to come to terms with it to a greater or lesser degree. 💐

My manager was similar. Her father went seriously downhill in the final year of his life. She was constantly stressed, snapped at everyone who caught her at the wrong moment and was just awful to be around. My colleague and I had to keep telling new people that she wasn't normally like this and not to take it to heart. When she returned after bereavement leave she was like a new woman. She looked refreshed, relaxed and not at all like someone who'd just lost their father. I think she spent a year grieving her father while she looked after him. Of course she misses him but the old him, before he was seriously ill.

I lost my MIL 6 years ago today;it was obviously right before Christmas;our family was at peace with it;she'd been ill for a very long time and had had a couple of very close shaves with death over that time,we knew she'd be passing it was just a case of when.

I think when you know your going to lost someone especially an older adult in your life you're prepared for it;it feels like you've had a very long goodbye.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

It sounds like you've really been through it emotionally.

Grief isn't linear. Maybe you will be hit by a huge wave of it at a later date. Maybe you've already done most of your grieving before her death and you will carry on being OK.

It's perfectly possible to have loved someone and to miss them, but also be relieved that they are no longer suffering, and even to be relieved that you can get on with your own life. It in no way diminishes your love for that person.

Two of my grandparents died suddenly, and the other two died slowly, after a long and undignified end in a nursing home. In all cases I was sad when they died, but also a little bit glad. In the case of the two who died suddenly, I was happy for them that they both got the sort of death they wanted. They had both been very clear about the fact that they wanted to die quickly when the time came. They didn't want to end up in a nursing home, with no independence or quality of life. In the case of the two who died slowly and had exactly that sort of end, I was glad when they died because it finally put an end to things. I only wish it had been quicker and less traumatic. I don't think that makes me a bad person. I still cherish my memories of all of them.

Either way, it sounds like you were there for your mum when it counted, and you shouldn't feel ashamed or guilty about anything you are feeling.

My mum died in the spring. I'm ok too.

I got a bit teary at a certain part in the funeral, but I think that was pure force of will stopping me getting more upset. I was determined not to go to pieces on the day. Apart from that I don't think I've even cried or been particularly upset. I don't really know why and it feels a bit taboo to talk about it. I have been dreaming about her a lot though and I've never done that before.

In a way it was a blessing as she had just gone into a home due to her dementia and seeing the other patients was a snapshot into a painful future. She died suddenly of something else and was spared that.

My parents are/were both a bit disengaged emotionally and it could be that. Really don't know.

I don't think it's particularly a failing in me or I hope not. I get incredibly upset about the mere thought of my husband, children or grandchildren dying and know that I would be inconsolable.

I was relieved when both my parents died - they'd both suffered with dementia and been in homes for years. I felt like I'd done my grieving while they were still alive and had been living in limbo for a few years waiting for the inevitable and could move on once it happened. Don't feel ashamed, you loved and cared for her while she was alive.

I'm sorry for your loss. grief is such a weird thing - I cried when my dad died last year but after a month or so I never thought of him, never missed him - don't feel sad about him dying and I feel awful about it.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I think sometimes when people have a healthy relationship with their parents, the death is somehow “neater” still sad , they are obviously missed but there’s the absence of the complication with dysfunctional families.

please ignore if none of this resonates!

also the shock may hit you later so just be kind to yourself at every stage

My mom died suddenly & I felt relief more than anything. Our relationship was fraught & neither of us could fix it. I don't feel guilty. My 2nd emotion was mild sadness. It was just so obvious she had an unhealthy lifestyle that would lead to her demise. Plus, it was good she died suddenly because she had an obsessive fear about enduring a long painful illness at her end. She had a death she would approve of, even if she died younger than she wanted.

Now my dad is increasingly frail, he could go suddenly too. His world is shrinking though and he already moans a lot about Qual of his Life not being Good. There is a thing such as Merciful Release. Death is a fact of Life. It's good that it doesn't devastate you every time, even when the person was much-loved.

As others have said, it sounds as though you have already done a lot of your grieving

And we all grieve differently anyway

It's good you had such a good relationship

Please don't feel guilty. There's no need, and it helps no one

I feel exactly the same way. Occasional waves of grief but mainly relief that our limbo was over and we could move forward with a sense of normality

Sorry about your loss OP

I sometimes feel guilty that I am not grieving (much) after my Mum thankfully passed away after dementia took everything else away. Every time I saw her in the care home she lived in for the last 2 years of her life I would leave upset at the thought that that might be the last time I would see her (I live a long way from her).

I get upset sometimes but not often. Last year we shared a lovely Christmas and Boxing day, she was on such good form. That hit me at the weekend. She is in a better place and by the sound of it so is you Mum after a long period of very poor health. Grieve in your own way and raise a glass to her this Christmas x

Another person here saying it's totally normal when they've been so ill, particularly.

My DM is still here, but she went through this with her mum. She was so unhappy in her last few years, my DM said she just felt relieved when she passed away, but also felt guilty for feeling that way.

She explains it now as she very much misses the Mum she used to know, the one that was fun and loved taking the dog for a walk, etc. Certain things still remind us of her and we talk about her and say how much we miss that, but overall the overriding feeling of her death is one of release as she was just so miserable and depressed at the end because of her frailties.

Take each day as it comes OP - there will no doubt be days that are worse than others but please don't fell bad about feeling OK.

It's ok. I've never cried about my mum dying. I was pleased for her that she had gone after years of dementia. If I feel a bit nostalgic for her I look at the videos of her taken in her last few months and think would I want her back in that state? The answer is always no. It's a relief. No regrets.

Felt like that when I lost my dad
was relieved his suffering was over bad felt like I didn’t grieve much
but then 4 years later it floored me and I wasn’t expecting it

I'm sorry for your loss.
I think what your feeling is normal. We had almost a year of knowing my dad was dying. I grieved for months when he was first told it was terminal.
By the time he died it was as you described. Don't feel bad.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. You could be describing exactly how I felt when my mum died after a long and pretty awful illness. You probably already started to grieve before she died. Be kind to yourself, I think it's normal to feel a degree of relief. She's not suffering anymore.

You might find that it hits you when you least expect it. You'll be geared up for the big events, like Xmas, birthdays and Mothers Day, but sometimes it's the little things that catch you, like DC losing their first tooth, or passing an exam. You want to phone her up and tell her but she's not there.

You're probably still in shock too. Although it might have been expected, your body may be coping by going into a kind of shock.

Wishing you all the best

I am very sorry for your loss.
I was very close to both my parents - my mum died of a stroke and my dad had dementia. I felt sadness but relief when they died. Losing them over a two year period I was exhausted. What I have found difficult (now 20 years later) is remembering them before the dementia and stroke robbed them both of their personalities - both became angry and difficult to help. I almost have to go back to being a very little girl to have happy memories.

My mum died in january 2 years ago but I felt like my main grieving was done the October before. So when she actually died it did not hit me like I thought it might. the last few months were so bad, it felt ok it was ended.

I had this with my DF - he had pancreatic cancer and died within 4 months of diagnosis.

I think I did alot of my grieving in those 4 months. Afterwards I did have waves of grief at times but nothing overwhelming. I also felt guilty - as if I hadn’t loved him enough? I’d been quite scared of how I’d feel as well so it took me by surprise.

I still have moments now 5 years on when I suddenly miss him and have a few tears. And I still sometimes talk to him. But have never had that terrifying all encompassing grief others talk of.

Im very sorry that your lovely mum has died. Take care of yourself xx

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.

My mum died three weeks ago, after being ill for a couple of years but going sharply downhill over the past few months.
I haven’t cried yet, and I mostly
feel ok. I think all my close family are just so relieved she isn’t suffering any more, and there’s also the relief
from our own stress and worry.
I suspect it hasn’t really sunk for any of us that she’s really gone for good,
and isn’t just on holiday.
Like you, I’ve been worried about whether my reaction was normal and also whether grief would hit me hard somewhere down the line.
I hope you find this thread as reassuring as I have. 💐

I was the same. I think when your parent is very old and poorly, you do some of your grieving before they leave.

Yep my mum died a slow, painful, confusing death from cancer. I was grateful when it was over for her.

I needed to read this op.
My mum has just had a cancer diagnosis and l honestly believe when her time is up, as sad as it will be, l will have prepared myself by then as l did with my dad.
You have already grieved for her xxx

Give it time OP. When DH died, it was almost a relief. He'd been in such a lot of pain and frankly caring for a bedbound adult for months on was bloody hardwork. It was good that he'd been released from the pain and I was no longer in that limbo of knowing he was dying but not knowing how long I'd have to live like that. I felt guilty but in the early months and weeks I didn't miss him (I felt I'd lost him months earlier anyway) and it was good to have my life back.

It was much different as things got back to "normal" and it was no longer the poor soul in the bed who'd died but the husband and father who was missing from our lives.